Dave Barry's Blog

HE CALLS IT BIG LARRY

Check out this Kelowna man’s giant pickle

(Thanks to Ralph)

'THE PRESIDENTIAL ELECTION WAS RUNNING THEME'

SweePee Rambo, blind with an oozing sore, is crowned World’s Ugliest Dog

(Thanks to Kevin Smith and Geoff)

IT'LL WORK UNTIL THE NEXT MODEL COMES OUT

Man marries smartphone at Las Vegas chapel

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson)

IT'S ONLY A MATTER OF TIME BEFORE THEY OBTAIN FLORIDA DRIVERS' LICENSES

Boozy chimps use own tools to obtain alcohol from palm trees in West Africa

(Thanks to Le Petomane)

AS LONG AS IT DOESN'T PLAY 'COPACABANA'

Witness says Triangle UFO emitted sound of horns, trumpets

(Thanks to Fabian Marson)

OBJECTION

Alleged Killer And Enraged Judge Go Off The Rails In Insanely Vulgar Hearing

(Thanks to funny man)

There's a link to the transcript, which is very offensive, by which we mean funny.

HANDY GUY TO HAVE ON A CAMPING TRIP

Kung Fu master stuffs sawdust into his mouth and 'sets it alight' in bizarre street 'magic trick'

(Thanks to funny man)

CATS IN SPACE

Cosmic space perfume smells more like cat pee

(Thanks to Le Petomane, who says "That must have been one big cat.")

ADVISORY

'ELVIS NOT DEAD'

(Thanks to funny man)

STAY CLASSY, PARENTS

Parents brawl during kindergarten graduation ceremony

(Thanks to Al Barkafski)

INCREDIBLY, ALCOHOL APPEARS TO HAVE BEEN INVOLVED

Pork chop thrown at paramedics in Darwin

(Thanks to Steve Thompson)

BRILLIANT

As police chased them down from the scene of the crime, the four drove straight into the FBI's parking lot.

(Thanks to Woozy Barnes)

SOMEBODY'S SLEEPING ON THE SOFA

A Reddit user has filled out a 'spousal performance review' for his wife, rating her on her personality and household duties - including attitude, initiative, cooperation, meals, and overall quality spousal relations

(Thanks to Le Petomane)

DUH

Time to Savor the Squirrel (Again)?

(Thanks to David Shelton)

THERE IS NO GOOD REASON FOR THOSE THINGS TO BE IN CIVILIAN HANDS

Woman calls 911 to report she’s being held hostage — by her cat

(Thanks to Patty Villanova and coscolo)

LIKE, WOOF, DUDE

'Spaced out' dog stumbles and stares into space after eating MAGIC MUSHROOMS as worried owner looks on

(Thanks to Todd Lawson and Al Barkafski)

BECAUSE QUITE FRANKLY THERE IS NOT ENOUGH OBESITY OUT THERE

Burger King Unveils Unholy Love Child of Cheetos and Mozzarella Sticks

(Thanks to Harry Farkas)

DETERMINING THEIR VALUE

Employees at the QFC in the 400 block of Broadway East noticed a man standing at a self-checkout station about 5 p.m., laughing to himself and plopping his genitals on top of the scanner, Seattle police reports say.

(Thanks to B'game)

THE BUZZING DEAD

MYSTERIOUS 'ZOMBIE BEE' SCOURGE REACHES SOUTHERN US

(Thanks to Le Petomane and A Wheeler)

WE ARE PLAYING INTO THEIR HANDS. OR PAWS. WHATEVER THEY HAVE.

Montreal dad gets wild squirrel to pull daughter's loose tooth

(Thanks to many many people)

TALK ABOUT MOTIVATIONAL

Dozens Burned After Fire-Walking Event At Tony Robbins Seminar

(Thanks to Charles Cates)

WE KNOW WHO'S DIRECTING THIS OPERATION

Rare birds of prey stealing underwear from skinny dippers

(Thanks to Ralph)

SOON TO BE A MAJOR MOTION PICTURE

Firefighters rescue teenager trapped in 'Barney' dinosaur mask

(Thanks to Bob Brogan)

WHO'S THERE?

Soon watermelon knocking was trending in China.

(Thanks to funny man)

CAFE WHAT?

A firm in Geneva plans to open a café where customers can enjoy oral sex while they sip their morning coffee.

(Thanks to Patty Villanova and Jeff Schneider)

GET THAT NOBEL PRIZE READY

These swimming trunks stop embarrassing 'shrinkage' in cold water

(Thanks to Unholy Slacker)

IF WE KNEW HOW LONG A METER WAS WE'D BE EVEN MORE TERRIFIED

A north Queensland woman is "very shocked" to discover a five metre python draped along her hallway and across her bed.

Autoplay.

(Thanks to Allen at Division)

MEAWHILE IN SPORTS

Swedish footballer sent off for farting during match

(Thanks to Andrew Mendez, Jan in Grimsby, Jim Boyd, Peter Metrinko and oneblankspace)

DO IT YOURSELF

The astonishing video shows the moment a woman used the suction cup from a sex toy to smooth out the dents in the side of her car.

(Thanks to Ralph)

Related: Can People Tell Sex Toys & Kitchen Gadgets Apart?

Autoplay.

(Thanks to Peter Metrinko)

FASTEN YOUR SEATBELT

The Souvenir and Commemorative Spoon Planet Museum

(Thanks to Jon Harris)

IT WON'T GET FAR ON FOOT

6:55 a.m. A dog with short legs killed nine chickens on Foothill Road.

(Thanks to Stan Ruth)

AND YOU JUST SIT THERE

A sloth risks its life every time it poops.

(Thanks to Poker)

GUYS WITH TINY BRAINS IN ACTION

Idiots ignite fireworks shelves inside a Walmart

(Thanks to Rick Day)

OTHER THAN THAT IT WENT VERY SMOOTHLY

Groom, 44, is bitten by a RATTLESNAKE while he and his bride, 33, pose for wedding photos

(Thanks to Patty Villanova)

FROZEN CHICKENS MAKING NEWS

Man steals frozen chicken, takes off on bicycle

(Thanks to Le Petomae)

Bizarre video captures moment woman takes frozen chicken for a walk through streets on a LEAD

(Thanks to funny man)

GUYS IN ACTION

FORMER NASA ENGINEER BUILDS WORLD’S LARGEST FUNCTIONAL NERF GUN

(Thanks to DaninDallas and The Amazing Steve)

THAT WILL SURELY WIN HER HEART

A 69-year-old man was arrested Monday night in The Villages on allegations of firing 33 rounds into the home of a woman who refused his sexual overtures, according to deputies.

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson)

BE ON THE (burrrpppp) LOOKOUT

A brewery in the city says nearly 3,300 cases of beer went missing when two of its refrigerated trailers were stolen.

(Thanks to Le petomane)

FOOLS

Hundreds of Londoners sign petition to stop squirrel from being exterminated

(Thanks to John Mayson)

BEST BIRTHDAY EVER

Bounce house flies away from party, hits power lines

(Thanks to funny man)

BECAUSE YOU NEED TO KNOW

What you should do if you catch an eel in the Ottawa River

(Thanks to The Perts)

CSI: MUSCATINE COUNTY

Mysterious “men in black” sightings reported along Muscatine Co. roadways

(Thanks to Allen at Division)

FAR BE IT FROM US TO SUGGEST THAT MRS. BLOG HAS THIS GENE

Chatty' gene discovered by scientists in study breakthrough

(Thanks to Le Petomane and Allen at Division)

WE MIGHT AS WELL STUFF THE CONSTITUTION INTO A SHREDDER

A man was arrested after allegedly outfitting a van with what appeared to be more than 50 individual speakers and leaving the doors open while blasting "exorbitantly loud" music in Queens over the weekend, authorities said.

(Thanks to Andrew Mendez)

WE HARDLY KNEW YE

Glastonbury Festival is getting rid of its ‘pyramid of poo’ toilets

(Thanks to Jan in Grimsby)

HE'S A BANKER SPANKER

Trainer seen on video spanking bankers for poor performance

(Thanks to Howard from Broward and Jon Harris, who says "Send him to Washington.")

STAND TALL, AMERICA

Chia Freedom of Choice Candidate Series

Autoplay.

(Thanks to Peter Metrinko)

PICKY

Newfoundlander calls 911 to tell police there isn't enough cheese on her pizza

(Thanks to Rick Day and Ralph)

Man beat, threatened to kill Burger King worker over milkshake he didn’t like

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson)

ADVISORY

Uranus May Be Salty And Electric

(Thanks to Ralph)

WE SAW URBAN DEATH PROJECT OPEN FOR THE CLASH

Smiths Falls, Ont., funeral business dissolves the dead, pours them into town sewers

(Thanks to The Perts and W. von Papineau)