Dave Barry's Blog

GUYS IN ACTION

Man Swims In 1,500-Gallon Pool Filled With Coca-Cola And Mentos

(Thanks to John Mayson)

'THE FIRE DEPARTMENT WAS NOT REALLY AMUSED'

Man gets stuck inside a statue of a vagina in Germany

(Thanks to Janice Gelb, who says "Tourist trap")

Update: Apparently this is old. Somebody will be fired.

NAME THAT STATE!

The man identified as the victim, the landlord, said Hoffman, 41, grew upset with him “because she was looking for her crack cocaine pipe and (he) did not have one,” an affidavit states.

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson)

'THEY WANTED THE GREEN SALSA INSTEAD OF THE RED'

Massive brawl erupts in Mexican restaurant in Dallas after an argument over chips and salsa

(Thanks to Le Petomane, who says "The Chuck E. Cheese of the Southwest.")

CANADA: LAND OF EXCITEMENT

International Mud Day celebrated in Quispamsis

(Thanks to'

Doesn't "Quispamsis" sound like the name of a disease? As in "Uncle Bud up and died from the Quispamsis."

UPDATE

Regarding The Blog's June 25th posting Alleged Killer And Enraged Judge Go Off The Rails In Insanely Vulgar Hearing, it can now be heard in all its deranged glory. 

Yesterday on John Fugelsang's show Tell Me Everything on SiriusXM Insight, channel 121, John and his fellow comedian Adam Sank performed – without cracking up – a verbatim reenactment of the courtroom feud between Judge Durham and defendant Allen.  Due to popular begging, show producer Xorje Olivares made it available to non-subscribers.  

Not safe for work, obviously, unless you work for SiruisXM Insight or one of the more reformed convents.

Love, 

AmoebaStampede

WHICH CAN ALSO BE HAZARDOUS

‘Crocodile’ spotted in London Docklands turns out to be nothing but old rope

(Thanks to W. von Papineau and Ralph)

WE'LL TAKE CARE OF IT

Authorities have found most of the nearly 80,000 bottles of beer that were stolen from an Atlanta brewery last week, but the company says every last drop will have to be thrown away.

(Thanks to funny man)

HIS LAST NAME COULD BE A CLUE

Burglar coats himself in sugar

(Thanks to funny man)

I WANT TO BE A PART OF IT, NEW YORK, NEW YORK

Man shoves bag of feces down woman’s shorts on Upper East Side, runs away

Update: authorities have now linked the man to a second incident.

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson and Michael Huber)

THOSE TERRORIST BASTARDS

Snail slime causes crash on Autobahn

(Thanks to Jon Harris and Rick Day)

TOTALLY WORTH IT

An Australian burger chain is offering a lifetime supply of its wares to anyone who formally changes their last name to "Burger."

(Thanks to Emily, Leslie and w)

THE NEWS FROM MAINE

Large Snake Eats Beaver

This has been The News From Maine.

(Thanks to Le Petomane)

Autoplay.

WHAT'S THAT SMELL?

ROADS PAVED WITH PIG MANURE COULD MEAN A CLEANER FUTURE

(Thanks to Rick Day)

WE SAW THEM OPEN FOR THE CLASH

Fire-fighting chickens save man from burning home

 

(Thanks to Al Barkafski and Le Petomane)

 

MIAMI

We still got it, baby.

Miami-Dade police detectives raiding the home of a suspected marijuana trafficker unearthed at least $24 million in cash — all in bundles of $100 bills in heat-sealed bags stuffed in dozens of orange 5-gallon Home Depot-brand buckets.

WHO SAYS ROMANCE IS DEAD?

Not this blog.

(Thanks to Jay Brandes)

THIS JUST IN

Imam suspended after ‘pieces of cucumber found in rectum’

(Thanks to Allen at Division, who is sure there's a perfectly logical explanation.)

BEST DOG VIDEO EVER

Twinkie, a Jack Russell terrier, recently broke the record for popping 100 balloons in under 40 seconds.

(Thanks to Rick Day)

EVERYBODY MALE OUT OF THE WATER *NOW*

A FISH has been discovered in western Russia with human-like teeth sharp enough to rip a man’s testicles off with one bite.

(Thanks to Le Petomane, who says "Better known as the YIKES! fish.")

MEANWHILE ABROAD

Belarusians have been stripping down naked at their offices and posting images to social media after a slip of tongue by autocratic leader Alexander Lukashenko left him suggesting people should "get undressed and work".

(Thanks to Unholy Slacker)

CSI: GREELEY

Police investigate an 'unusual piece of feces'

(Thanks to Unholy Slacker)

HE LOOKS NICE ENOUGH

Man sporting flame tattoo eyebrows arrested in meth bust near school

(Thanks to Woozy Barnes)

DUDE

Driver accused of crashing into marijuana dispensary while high on marijuana

(Thanks to Al Barkafski)

AND YET NOTHING IS DONE ABOUT THE NAME OF THE SCHOOL

A matron at a private school has been sacked after posing in a raunchy calendar supporting injured soldiers, it was claimed last night.

(Thanks to Allen at Division)

DO NOT TRIFLE WITH THEM

Woman, 26, Wielded Hatchet After Her Demands For Sex Were Repeatedly Rebuffed

Guess the state.

(Thanks to Ranald Adams and Jeff Meyerson)

WAIT, WHAT?

On a list of the worst places to live, Miami ranks number one, worse than Detroit.

(Another report from Mrs. Blog)

SPAWN OF SATAN UPDATE

Here's a report from Mrs. Blog.

SEND THIS CHATBOT TO WASHINGTON

A free online chatbot laywer has managed to overturn a staggering 160,000 parking tickets in London and New York City, saving users an estimated £2.9 million.

(Thanks to Le Petomane)

A FLORIDA LICENSE IS ON THE WAY

Driver's poor decisions take car down steep concrete stairs

(Thanks to Jon Harris)

WE SAW VILE SLURRY OPEN FOR VANILLA ICE

Angered over his recent eviction from a mobile home park, a Florida man carrying a five gallon bucket allegedly snuck back into the property and contaminated the community swimming pool with a vile slurry that “had the appearance of liquid feces/diarrhea,” cops allege.

(Thanks to Todd Lawson)

YEEPERS

'I could count his teeth': 17ft saltwater crocodile attempts to eat diver as it SNAPS its giant jaws and rams her thin plastic cage

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson)

EITHER THAT OR A REALLY UGLY DOG

Is this the Ukrainian chupacabra?

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson)

UPDATE

A 40-year-old Twinkie in Blue Hill, Maine, seems to have weathered the past few decades quite well. Perhaps a testament to the power of preservatives, the legendary Twinkie at George Stevens Academy in Blue Hill remains, with the exception of some dust, remarkably intact.

(Thanks to wiredog, who says: "The Keith Richards of snack foods.") (Also thanks to The Perts)

IF THIS ATTITUDE HAD PREVAILED 50 YEARS AGO THIS BLOG WOULD HAVE GOTTEN THE ELECTRIC CHAIR

Insurance agent sues 14-year-old for repeatedly ringing his doorbell and running away after the prank caused him 'severe emotional distress'

(Thanks to Geoff)

FIRST ZIKA, AND NOW THIS

Large Hadron Collider magnetic field could pull asteroids towards Earth

(Thanks to The Perts)

CONNECTICUT WILDLIFE REPORT

Gator found in Suffield was stuffed

This has been your Connecticut Wildlife Report.

(Thanks to Ralph)

NAME THAT STATE

Man punched swan in front of off-duty OPD officers, officials say

(Thanks to Judy B)

Autoplay.

NOT WEIRD AT ALL!

Inside the 'Temple of Rats' overrun by 20,000 vermin which are invited to dine with people and are WORSHIPPED by visitors

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson)

GUYS OF NATURE

Male fiddler crabs entrap females in their bachelor pads

(Thanks to Le Petomane)

HARSH

Woman’s violin confiscated after neighbours complain about ‘strangled cat’ noises

(Thanks to Le Petomane and Ralph)

STAND TALL, CLEVELAND

A man ate horse poop at the Cavs Championship Parade

(Thanks to Don Jones)

OTHER THAN THAT....

A Tennessee wedding took an unexpected turn when a sparkler held by a guest caused the bride's hair to burst into flames.

(Thanks to Kevin Smith)

PRACTICAL

Terrifying Helmet Doubles as Flamethrower

(Thanks to DaninDallas)

OMG EW

Woman who peed WORMS for 3 months is found to have infestation of fly larvae in her bladder

(Thanks to Patty Villanova)

PAULA AND ME

Here I am in an elevator with Miss Paula Poundstone, with whom I did an event last night at the American Library Association convention in Orlando. You will be surprised to learn that she is pretty darned funny.

 

AS IS HIS CONSTITUTIONAL RIGHT

U.S. prison inmate can sue over removal of marbles from penis

(Thanks to PirateBoy)

THEY'RE PLAYING HARDBALL OUT THERE

Ronald McDonald gunned down at NC Sonic restaurant

(Thanks to Ralph)

YOU KNOW THE STATE

Man drives stolen van to Waffle House

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson)

AND THAT WAS HUGH HEFNER

Scientists have uncovered the link between the hair of mammals, the feathers of birds and the scales of reptiles. And the discovery, published today in the journal Science Advances, suggests all of these animals, including humans, descended from a single reptilian ancestor approximately 320 million years ago.

(Thanks to Jim Kenaston, who cautions that the story contains a photo of threesome-style reptilian porn)