Dave Barry's Blog

WITNESSES SAID IT WAS ONLY 95

MAN ARRESTED FOR SPEEDING THROUGH SCHOOL ZONE, CLAIMS HE WAS DRIVING 115 MPH

(Thanks to Stan Ruth)

'NOW HIRING CLASS OF 2016'

Strip club in Harrison enrages residents with sign

Speaking of class.

(Thanks to Al Barkafski)

ALWAYS A SHREWD LEGAL MANEUVER

Worcester woman charged with tossing toilet-water-soaked sandwich at court officer

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson)

WHERE WE STAND (OR SIT)

BECAUSE OF THIS BLOG'S STRICT POLICY

...we are prohibited from linking to this.

(Thanks to Unholy Slacker)

YOU KNOW WHO IS BEHIND THIS

A swarm of 100,000 bats has made residents of this town ‘prisoners in their own homes’

(Thanks to The Perts)

WANT TO WORK OUT, DUDE?

A gym where people can get high onsite is opening in San Francisco

(Thanks to Le Petomane)

FLORIDIANS IN ACTION

Woman attacks employee with selfie stick

Man on 'top secret mission', breaks into store to steal energy drink and a honey bun

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson)

MEANWHILE IN INTERNATIONAL AFFAIRS

American mails 'annoying' Canadian $5 bill to random stranger in N.W.T.

(Thanks to The Perts)

BAA, DUDE

Warning sheep high on cannabis could cause havoc in Swansea Valley village

(Thanks to Ralph, Jon Harris, Jay Brandes, Patty Villanova and Steve Thompson, who says "I think I'd pay to see this.")

We saw Warning Sheep High On Cannabis open for the Dead.

WHO SAYS ROMANCE IS DEAD?

Man 'has sex with DRAINPIPE'

(Thanks to Le Petomane)

Autoplay. (Heh.)

THAT WILL SURELY WIN HER HEART

A woman who rejected a fellow motorist's flirtatious advances recorded the man hurling golf balls at her car while traveling more than 60 mph.

(Thanks to Bob Brogan)

JUST A HEINEKEN FOR US, THANKS

Whale vomit beer could be the next big thing

(Thanks to DaninDallas)

MEN: DO NOT CLICK ON THIS LINK, AND DEFINITELY DO NOT LOOK AT THE PICTURES

Toilet terror as python bites man's penis while he sits on the loo before bloody battle ensues

Key Victim Name We Are Not Amused By: Atthaporn Boonmakchuay

(Thanks to Colleen Clark, Allen at Division, Le Petomane and Jeff Meyerson)

Autoplay.

'IT'S NEARLY IMPOSSIBLE TO IGNORE A GIANT WALKING VAGINA'

Brooklyn couple takes pictures of themselves in vagina costumes around New York City to raise funds for women’s reproductive health

(Thanks to Jeffrey Brown)

'WHAT COULD POSSIBLY GO WRONG?'

China unveils elevated bus that drives over the TOP of other cars

(Thanks to Jeffrey Brown)

CSI: GILA BEND

Honduran woman accused of punching a border agent's horse

(Thanks to Le Petomane, who says "It worked for Mongo.")

MEANWHILE IN SPORTS

Combat Juggling

(Thanks to Cassie Silvola)

ASSUMING YOU'RE A MALE BEETLE

Having more sex can give you a BIGGER penis, study reveals

(Thanks to Le Petomane, Patty Villanova and Geoff)

NOBEL PRIZE ALERT

Jonathan Marcus figured out how to make deep fried water

(Thanks to Cassie Silvola)

IS THERE ANYTHING IT CAN'T DO?

Dolphin echolocation is powered by SNOT

(Thanks to Patty Villanova)

IT NEVER STOPS

Brazen NYC squirrel attacks innocent man

(Thanks to Rick Day)

GUESS THE STATE

Woman shows video of herself buying cocaine to deputies

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson)

TOTALLY JUSTIFIED

St. Petersburg Police are trying to identify the man who smashed a glass quarters game with a sledgehammer after losing several times.

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson)

AND THE SO-CALLED 'UNITED NATIONS HUMAN RIGHTS COUNCIL' DOES NOTHING

Family of woman who inspired Swallows and Amazons character are furious that right-on BBC have changed her name from Titty to Tatty

(Thanks to Ralph)

WRONG ON SO MANY LEVELS

Budweiser to debut non-alcoholic ‘Prohibition’ brew in Canada as it chases near-beer lovers

(Thanks to The Perts)

REMINDER TO DOUGLAS ADAMS FANS:

Today is Towel Day.

(Thanks to The Perts)

We miss Douglas.

CANADA: A NATION GRIPPED BY FEAR

2 capybaras on the loose in Toronto park

It's only a matter of time before the squirrels recruit them.

(Thanks to The Perts and Bob Brogan)

CLEANUP IN AISLE TWO

A man high on nitrous oxide pulled down his pants and defecated in a grocery store aisle Monday night, Corvallis Police said.

(Thanks to Unholy Slacker)

WE SAW THEM OPEN FOR THE DAVE CLARK FIVE

Medical experts warn of ‘dormant butt syndrome’

(Thanks to Unholy Slacker, Jeffrey Brown and Joanne Fineberg)

GUYS

Domino’s pizza apologises after wrinkled human testicle is ‘found on pizza’

(Thanks to Joe in Japan)

I DROPPED MY HOMEWORK

Children from remote Chinese village have to climb unsecured vine ladders on a vertical cliff between home and class

(Thanks to Michael Moyer, who says when he was a boy he had to climb the vine ladder in the SNOW.)

WHY CAMPERS SHOULD ALWAYS CARRY EXTRA UNDERWEAR

Camper awakes to find lions licking water from her tent

(Thanks to Jon Harris)

ANOTHER PILLAR OF OUR JUSTICE SYSTEM IS TOPPLED

Beer-battered fish defense fails in Wisconsin

(Thanks to Allen at Division)

FLORIDA COURT REPORT

Unfortunately our strict policy prohibits us from presenting the Florida Court Report.

(Thanks to Allen at Division)

ALWAYS CHECK YOUR BOOT FOR BEES

20,000 bees chase car for TWO DAYS after queen bee gets trapped in boot

(Thanks to Rick Day)

THOSE TERRORIST BASTARDS

Falling toilets snarl traffic on 134, 170 and 101 freeways in San Fernando Valley

(Thanks to Le Patomane)

We saw Falling Toilets open for The B52s.

FOLLOWED BY A FRIENDLY TASING

Police smile at 'Cops Suck' tattoo across man's knuckles

(Thanks to Le Petomane)

OTHER THAN THAT IT WAS THE PERFECT CRIME

Burglar caught after golf cart lands in pond

Guess the state.

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson)

ON THEIR WAY TO FLORIDA, NO DOUBT

Amish teens clocked at 110 mph face alcohol charges

(Thanks to Jeff Schneider, who says he had no idea those horses were so fast)

GUYS IN ACTION

This video is what happens when a sheep farmer gets bored

(Thanks to Ralph)

GET OUT THAT WATERPROOF CRUCIFIX

Warning to swimmers over ‘vampire fish’ invading rivers this summer

(Thanks to Le Petomane)

POOP MAKING NEWS

Insect poop threatens to damage marble at India's Taj Mahal

(Thanks to The Perts, Al Barkafski and Jeff Schneider)

The cash in your pocket probably has poop on it (Autoplay)

(Thanks to Kevin Smith)

KIDS WILL DO THAT TO YOU

Teacher runs naked through school

(Thanks to John Mayson)

'WHAT HAS SHE GOT IN THAT BASKET THERE?'

THE clip was taken on a dash cam in Inverness city centre and is believed to show a woman of 70 pushing the 4ft inflatable penis in a trolley.

(Thanks to Ralph)

TIME FOR A BENEFIT CONCERT

Gym tells Ottawa woman breasts 'too large' for tank top

(Thanks to John Gregg)

BOISE: CITY OF EXCITEMENT

First the Potato Drop, and now this.

(Thanks to Craig Roberts)

THAT SHOULD DO IT

Naked vegans covered in fake blood demand Barcelona becomes meat-free

(Thanks to Le Petomane)

YIKES

Guy finds giant scary worm with 17 million legs in his fish tank.

(Thanks to Jon Harris)

PUT A V8 IN IT AND WE'RE THERE

Kolcraft president Tom Koltun said the giant stroller was built to give parents a better idea of what their children experience.

(Thanks to Jon Harris)