Dave Barry's Blog

'BOTTOM SNIFFER'

Beer for dogs.

(Thanks to [of course] wiredog)

CSI: TBILISI

Sausage-wielding gang attacks vegan cafe

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson, Al Barkafski, Dennis, Le Petomane, Roberto and Phil Walter)

WHY YOU SHOULD NEVER INHALE ON PROM NIGHT

High school student accidentally INHALES her corsage pin on the way to prom

(Thanks to Patty Villanova)

SPORTS UPDATE

Here's your video of the annual Cooper's Hill Cheese Rolling.

(Thanks to The Perts)

GATORS IN THE NEWS

Monster alligator stuns golfers by casually strolling across Florida golf course

(Thanks to Ranald Adams)

MASSIVE 'JOGGER-CHASING' ALLIGATOR REMOVED FROM TEXAS NEIGHBORHOOD

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson)

YET ANOTHER REASON WHY MEN SHOULD NOT DO LAUNDRY

Chinese man with head stuck in washing machine rescued by fire crew

(Thanks to Steve Thompson)

NAME THAT STATE!

Libertarian chair candidate strips at party's convention on a 'dare'

(Thanks to Janice Gelb)

Advisory: Autoplay video cannot be unseen.

THERE IS NO GOOD REASON FOR THOSE THINGS TO BE IN CIVILIAN HANDS

Man assaulted woman with package of frozen brats

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson)

OTHER THAN THAT IT WAS A RELAXING NIGHT

Couple enjoy a steamy bubble bath until wife's hair catches fire on a candle and the romantic evening goes hilariously wrong

They're from Miami.

(Thanks to Patty Villanova)

THIS SHOULD BE MANDATORY READING IN FLATHEAD COUNTY

Which animals can swim up your toilet?

(Thanks to Monique)

MEANWHILE IN FLATHEAD COUNTY

6:31 p.m. A Kalispell woman reported that she was changing her toilet seat, but got tired and took a nap. When she went back into the bathroom she found a large snake that she suspected came up through the sewer. An animal warden found no snake, but suspected the snake she saw was the reflection of her beige pants in the mirror.

(Thanks to Stan Ruth)

SOON TO BE A MAJOR MOTION PICTURE

Lifeboat team rescue LEATHER SOFA from the English Channel as it posed risk to boats

(Thanks to Ralph)

UPDATE

A Michigan woman's boyfriend may have just cost her $2 million because of his creative squirrel preparation methods.

Pellow's boyfriend, Khek Chanthalavong, had apparently been using a blowtorch on a squirrel to remove its fur for eating on her wooden outdoor deck.

(Thanks to Fabian Marson)

TERRORISM UPDATE

Suddenly, there are capybaras all over Toronto

(Thanks to The Perts)

Autoplay.

CLASSY

Drunk man exposes self, defecates on Kroger self-checkout

(Thanks to Jay Brandes)

MEANWHILE IN SPORTS

Male girls win first state title since 1972

(Thanks to Jenny Kellner)

GUYS IN ACTION

Painful moment man sets his crotch alight after flaming alcohol stunt goes horribly wrong

(Thanks to Patty Villanova)

NO DOUBT HEADED FOR FLORIDA, WHERE IT CAN DRIVE LEGALLY

An alligator rescued in the Houston area by the Gator Squad jumped in the front seat of an SUV, appearing ready to take the wheel.

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson)

THIS HAPPENS FAR TOO OFTEN

Woman jump-kicked by kangaroo, rupturing breast implants

(Thanks to dc, who believes the Implant-Rupturing Kangaroos opened for The Clash.) (Also thanks to Jan in Grimsby)

MEMORIAL DAY

Have a good one. But also remember -- and tell your kids -- why it's called Memorial Day.

REPORT FROM THE BURLINGTON, WISCONSIN, CHOCOLATE FEST

They have pulled out all the stops.

Here's Miss Burlington Area ChocolateFest and some other beauty queens.

There was also a chocolate-eating contest.

Also people carving humongous things of chocolate (known, technically, as "things of chocolate").

Also there were games of skill.

CSI: GROESBECK

Texas man calls police after smoking pot and getting bitten in buttocks by dog

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson)

RACCOON VS. SOFTBALL TEAMS

Always bet on the raccoon.

(Thanks to Not My Usual Alias)

STUDS OF NATURE

Why male fruit flies have such enormous sperm

(Thanks to The Perts)

KINKY

Report of truck ‘driving erotically’ in Southwest Harbor

(Thanks to Ralph)

HEAVIER IS BETTER

Meerkats settle rivalries with eating contests

(Thanks to Jan in Grimsby)

CHALK AVENGER STRIKES

Photo showing really bad parking at Texas school goes viral

(Thanks to Steve K)

ANYBODY SEEN CHARLIE SHEEN LATELY?

Utah County police cite man spotted running nude with ‘bells hanging from his genitals’

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson and Joanne Fineberg)

WE'LL TAKE YOUR WORD FOR IT

Study shows sharks have personalities

(Thanks to Le Petomane and coscolo, both of whom made reference to lawyers.)

 

BECAUSE YOU'RE INSANE?

Why I decided to give up my life in London and become a goat in Switzerland

(Thanks to Michael Herold)

AND SHE DOES! BUT NOT IN A GOOD WAY.

This woman has had SIX RIBS removed to look like her cartoon heroine

(Thanks to Nate West)

MOST REALISTIC VIDEO GAME EVER

Electrician finds dead snake in PS4

(Thanks to The Perts)

BUT WALKING TOO SLOW REMAINS A FELONY

New York City decriminalizes peeing in the street, drinking alcohol out of a bag and littering

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson)

BUT THE IMPORTANT THING IS, THEY WERE IMPRESSED

Man nearly loses his life after swallowing eight NAILS as long as six inches 'to impress his friends'

(Thanks to W. von Papineau)

BRAZEN

New York's human-hunting squirrels distract man for surprise attack

(Thanks to Bob Brogan)

BUSINESS PLAN OF THE WEEK SO FAR

South Carolina Man, 58, Applied For Loan So He Could Purchase Meth

(Thanks to Geoff, DaninDallas and Jeff Meyerson)

WE THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER, UM, ARRIVE

Good Housekeeping insists vibrators are no longer taboo for its readers – and asks 300 women to test them out

(Thanks to Jon Harris)

ADVISORY

Someone has been driving a giant hamster around London today

(Thanks to The Perts)

THE BIG HURDLE IS SOUR CREAM

NASA Really Is Trying to Grow Potatoes on Mars

(Thanks to The Perts)

CSI: CANADA

Canuck the crow, Vancouver's most notorious bird, is being accused of flying away with a knife from a crime scene.

(Thanks to Steve Thompson and The Perts)

NEEDLESS TO SAY OUR STRICT POLICY

...prohibits us from linking to this OR this.

(Thanks to James Schapiro)

BECAUSE KEY WEST

Key West Police Find Owner of Illegally Parked Flintstones Car

(Thanks to Bobby Grawl and Ralph)

BUT THEY'RE PLANNING TO UPGRADE TO VISTA

The U.S. is still using floppy disks to run its nuclear program

(Thanks to The Perts)

WATERPROOF FLORIDA LICENSES ARE ON THE WAY

A police investigation is continuing here to determine how a Cadillac, with two grown men inside, ended up submerged in a swimming pool and needing to be rescued Wednesday afternoon.

(Thanks to Tom Kopac)

PRIORITIES

For world records, Indian man removes teeth and gets over 500 tattoos

(Thanks to Patty Villanova, Al Barkafski, Jeff Schneider and Le Petomane, who says "Some places, he wouldn't even get noticed.")

NORTH YORKSHIRE COUNTY COUNCILPERSON OF THE WEEK

Unfortunately, etc.

(Thanks to Jan in Grimsby)

EMAILS THIS BLOG DID NOT FINISH READING

Hi Dave

Here’s an article you might like to publish:

Title: 3 Reasons Men Should Collect Model Cars

MUCH LIKE AN AMERICAN COLLEGE FOOTBALL GAME

Smugglers attempt to enter Saudi Arabia with 48,000 beer cans disguised as Pepsi

(Thanks to Le Petomane)

FOOLS. IT WAS WAY TOO ATTRACTIVE TO BE ART.

Someone put glasses on the floor of a museum and people thought it was art

(Thanks to John Mayson)

WE SAW AUDACIOUS BURRITO OPEN FOR THE UNRESTRAINED CHICKENS

Audacious burrito drug smuggling attempt fails spectacularly

(Thanks to Al Barkafski)