Dave Barry's Blog

TENNESSEE EDUCATION REPORT

Snakes fall from elementary school ceiling

This has been the Tennessee Education Report.

(Thanks to Vol)

OOPS

Yesterday afternoon, the telecoms provider somehow managed to send all of its customers' outgoing emails to a single, random guy called Steve Webb.

(Thanks to funny man)

BECAUSE WE DON'T HAVE ENOUGH PROBLEMS ALREADY

Florida’s Dragon Problem

(Thanks to Jenny Kellner)

IT CAN ABSORB UP TO 100

Bizarre advert shows wife give her husband 'life-saving' fart pad to neutralise his flatulence

(Thanks to Le Petomane)

'THERE'S THE RISK THAT PEOPLE WILL THINK OF IT AS A JOKE'

The Guggenheim Is Installing a Gold Toilet

(Thanks to Peter Metrinko)

A DAY OF MOURNING

Truck spills 'so much beer' in McCordsville

(Thanks to West Coast Rod)

WE'RE GONNA NEED BIGGER NAPKINS

Nude restaurant to open in London for the summer

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson, Jan in Grimsby, Madeleine, DaninDallas, Janice Gelb and Le Petomane)

THE SCIENCE IS SETTLED

Stonehenge Was Built By Satan’s Giants, Creationist Claims

(Thanks to Chuck Cody)

IT'LL BE GREAT UNTIL THEY GET HACKED

A pair of super-rich American technology gurus are planning to undergo surgery to install experimental implants directly into their brains.

(Thanks to Allen at Division, who says "Do people not watch the movies?")

DO NOT MESS WITH THEM

Police say a Decatur woman, furious at her two-timing boyfriend and his other girlfriend, covered both of their cars completely in a mixture of ketchup and mayonnaise.

(Thanks to Chris Johnson)

'THE LIONESS'

Smart vibrator promises better orgasms and could even tell you how long to spend on foreplay

(Thanks to coscolo)

'WILD THING' AT 50

It remains the only chart-topper featuring an ocarina solo.

(Thanks to Steve K.)

WE HARDLY KNEW YE

R.I.P. John Doe.

(Thanks to F. Mitchell)

IN THAT CASE, MA'AM, YOU ARE FREE TO GO

Motorist Crashes Into Walmart, Blames God

(Thanks to Dave D)

TIME TO PANIC

There's a global banana crisis

(Thanks to Jon Harris and MOTW, who believes they played at Woodstock)

COURT TRANSCRIPT OF THE WEEK SO FAR

Oops.

Advisory: Bad words.

(Thanks to WYSIWYG)

CANADA: A NATION IN CHAOS

Police nab chicken for crossing Kingston Road

(Thanks to The Perts and Jay Brandes)

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

A Florida woman allegedly punched a convenience store employee in the eye after the worker demanded the return of a bag of Cheetos Puffs that the suspect had stashed “under her sundress in her groin area,” according to cops.

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson, Dave D and Ralph)

BRILLIANT

French statue is fitted with removable organ which is brought out for special occasions only after vandals kept snapping off the original

(Thanks to Madeleine, coscolo, Roberto, Jay Brandes, PirateBoy, Patty Villanova, Linda Schutjer, Le Petomane and Ralph)

'DELEGATES CAN TAKE THEIR HOME-STATE DONKEYS HOME'

Donkeys to descend on Philadelphia ahead of convention

(Thanks to Le Petomane)

TIM NEEDS A SAFE SPACE

College students arrested after Tim the Turkey stolen from school and found injured, smelling of beer

(Thanks to Bill Bishop and manual tomato)

WE MIGHT AS WELL JUST SHRED WHATEVER BRITAIN USES FOR A CONSTITUTION

The British government has been accused of “riding roughshod over democracy” after it suggested it would not endorse naming a £200 million ($283 million) polar research vessel Boaty McBoatface.

(Thanks to klezmerphan)

IN THAT CASE, SIR, YOU ARE FREE TO CONTINUE MUNCHING

Man claiming to be from the future steals food from Arby's

(Thanks to Jay Brandes)

MEANWHILE IN SPORTS

Tennessee Titans host movie night, forget to turn off sprinklers

(Thanks to Jay Brandes)

IT'S IN THE WHADDYACALLIT

Study Finds Where You Lost Your Train of Thought

(Thanks to Le Petomane, who says "Did I send this before?")

GUY DADS IN ACTION

The video, filmed Wednesday, shows Marin County dad Kelly Starrett launching his Millennium Falcon drone while a piece of string connects the aircraft to a loose tooth in the mouth of his daughter, Caroline.

(Thanks to Bob Brogan)

THE MOVIE IS 30 DAYS

The world's longest ever film gets a seven hour trailer

(Thanks to Le Petomane, who says "We're gonna need a bigger popcorn machine.")

SERIOUSLY, DUDE?

The Vancouver School Board is reminding parents and students that April 20 is still a school day regardless of planned 4/20 events.

(Thanks to Ralph)

WHAT'S THAT SMELL?

Giraffe dung to be used to heat homes in sustainable 'green' energy system

(Thanks to DaninDallas)

THE SCARY PART IS, THIS HAPPENED AT 14,000 FEET

Melbourne-bound flight cancelled after plane hits kangaroo

(Thanks to Ralph)

EARTH DAY IS COMING

Do your (burrppp) part.

(Thanks to Janice Gelb)

THANKS, SCIENTISTS

We all lie, scientists say, but politicians even more so

(Thanks to Le Petomane and Al Barkafski)

THEY ALL HAVE VALID ETC.

Wisconsin police warn of loose herd of 120 buffalo

(Thanks to Jon Harris)

MEANWHILE IN SPORTS

Australian swimmer sorry after 'nipple tweak' allegation

(Thanks to Craig Roberts)

THOSE TERRORIST BASTARDS

FBI-Themed Stripper Triggers Panic, Security Alert in Frankfurt

(Thanks to Madeleine)

'YOU SEE MORE ON A PLUMBER WHEN HE BENDS DOWN'

Woman's buttocks sparks art gallery lawsuit against N.J. city, report says

(Thanks to Barbara A.)

THERE IS NOTHING MORE UNNATURAL THAN NATURE

Watch a Big Snake Vomit Up a Big Snake

(Thanks to Jan in Grimsby)

BECAUSE WE, AS A SOCIETY, ARE NOT LARGE ENOUGH ALREADY

Missouri McDonald's will roll out an all-you-can-eat FRENCH FRIES option

(Thanks to Ron G. and Jeff Meyerson)

OTHER THAN THAT IT WAS A FUN EVENT

Shocking moment security guard fights three women at a bachelorette party - and punches the bride-to-be to the GROUND

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson)

SEND THESE WORKERS TO WASHINGTON

Angry Chinese construction workers duel with bulldozers

(Thanks to Jon Harris)

WILDLIFE

Polish badger drinks seven beers, passes out on beach, sleeps for two days

(Thanks to Claire Martin)

AND WE ALL FEEL A LITTLE SAFER

Tecumseh couple faces jail time over late library books

(Thanks to Ron G. and Geoff)

NOT CREEPY AT ALL!

Chinese inventor claims AI humanoid is the most realistic ever made (and has programmed it to refer to him as 'my lord')

(Thanks to Patty Villanova)

CREEPING FASCISM UPDATE

City of San Francisco tells man he can't live in wooden box in friend's living room

(Thanks to John Mayson)

LADIES: HE'S SINGLE AND "IS STILL LOOKING FOR 'MRS. LIGHTYEAR'"

Man gets name legally changed to Buzz Lightyear on driver’s license

(Thanks to Bill Hudgins)

Vaguely Related: A woman from Wales cannot name her baby daughter Cyanide, a British court ruled Thursday.

(Thanks to Jon Harris)

WE SAW THEM OPEN FOR WHITESNAKE

Randy toads surround George Clooney's Oxfordshire home

(Thanks to DaninDallas)

WE'RE GONNA NEED MORE SNACKS

Shoppers got high after police burnt a weed stash near a supermarket

(Thanks to Steve Thompson and Ralph)

Related: Yesterday was GanjaCon.

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson)

CEO OF THE WEEK

Unfortunately our strict policy prohibits us from presenting the CEO of the Week.

(Thanks to Ralph)

SOMEBODY HAS TO DO IT

'Porn Jockey' wanted: Bar places advert looking for person to watch x-rated films for 20 hours a week

(Thanks to funny man)

THEY'RE ALREADY ALLOWED TO VOTE

Instead of trying to control urban coyotes a Chicago alderman wants them to help with the city’s rat problem.

(Thanks to Glen Page, who says "I think I saw Urban Coyotes open for the Bay City Rollers.")