Dave Barry's Blog

CSI: POUGHKEEPSIE

State police nab serial butt slapper in Dutchess County

(Thanks to yak1)

YOU TRY TO BE THOUGHTFUL, AND THIS IS THE THANKS YOU GET

Woman arrested in France after she asked police officers to check the purity of her cocaine because 'she didn't want people to die of an overdose'

(Thanks to Patty Villanova)

BOLO

Satellite That Hunts for Black Holes in Space Is Lost

(Thanks to The Perts)

WORST IDEA EVER

Temptations Made a Collar That Finally Gives Your Cat a Human Voice, So It Can Talk to You

(Thanks to Al Barkafski, Bill Hudgins and Le Petomane)

ACTUAL PUB NAME: FLEECE INN

Pub landlady taken to court because trainee barman served customer a pint which was one sip shorter than it should have been

(Thanks to Le Petomane)

Related: Australian brewery creates beer using yeast from belly button lint

(Thanks to Ralph)

SEND IT TO WASHINGTON

BRAINLESS SLIME MOLD CAN LEARN QUICKLY

(Thanks to Horace LaBadie)

We saw BSM open for The Who.

BUT WE KNOW WHO WAS *REALLY* BEHIND THIS

The Large Hadron Collider particle accelerator at Cern is offline after a short circuit - caused by a weasel.

(Thanks to The Amazing Steve, Jeff in Pittsburgh, Dave Emery, Horace LaBadie, The Perts, Ron W, John Mayson, Fred Rsoenberge, Scott MGS, Sean in Akron, Ralph, Bill Hudgins and Gordon Anderson, who says "When I saw the headline, I assumed it was about a politician.")

WE CAN SUGGEST A HELPFUL VIDEO

How Do You Move a 70,000-Pound (Dead) Whale?

WE SAW THEM OPEN FOR THE PARTRIDGE FAMILY

Sex-Crazed Peacocks Are Terrorising A Village In Durham

(Thanks to W. von Papineau)

IN THAT CASE, SIR

“He stated that it’s illegal to beg for money so he became a thief,”  the affidavit states.

You know the state.

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson)

WHAT'S THAT SMELL?

The world's first ever armpit sniffing dating event took place at the Alcoholic Architecture bar in central London on Wednesday night.

(Thanks to Jeffrey Brown)

AS IS THEIR CONSTITUTIONAL RIGHT

A Wilmington couple is facing criminal charges after a woman showed a gun at a local restaurant over a wrong order of chicken wings.

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson)

'A PRETTY COOL REMINDER OF THE COLD WAR'

Gallatin County flushing Cold War commodes

(Thanks to Ron G)

THERE BE NOTHING LEFT TO BELIEVE IN

Arrrrrrr — CBU professor explores whether pirates really said that

(Thanks to The Perts)

IN THE ONGOING EFFORT BY MICROSOFT TO CONVERT EVERYBODY TO MACS

Windows 10 interrupts a live TV broadcast with an unwanted upgrade

(Thanks to Stan Ruth)

WE MIGHT AS WELL JUST SHRED THE CONSTITUTION

Nashville man ordered to remove zombie statue from front yard

(Thanks to Jeff Schneider)

FYI, this statue was featured in the Holiday Gift Guide some years ago and is proudly displayed in the blog's front yard every Halloween.

SUAVE

Drunk driver crashed into woman he was about to meet for first date

(Thanks to Madeleine)

GOOD LUCK WITH THAT

Japan wants foreign tourists to avoid 'public flatulence'

(Thanks to Steve Thompson)

IN THAT CASE, SIR, YOU ARE FREE TO GO

Man chewing crack cocaine claims it's a Jolly Rancher

You know the state.

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson)

KEY WEST: WEIRD EVEN FOR FLORIDA

Thursday, the day before he was shot in a Key West home during an argument, artist William Selesnick called police to warn that a series of fires would be set by followers of Hollywood actress Shirley MacLaine.

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson)

IT'S TOUGH TO KEEP TRACK

High School Basketball Star Says He Didn't Know He Was 29 Years Old

(Thanks to Jon Harris)

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

Florida man in Superman shirt steals kiddie ride

(Thanks to Chris Elzi)

EVEN BY FLORIDA STANDARDS, THIS IS EXCEPTIONAL WORK

Florida man drives through roadblock, crashes into medical helicopter

(Thanks to funny man)

FESTUS, MO., DINING REPORT

Half-naked, dancing man makes sandwiches at Subway restaurant

(Thanks to John Mayson)

THEY'RE IN LEAGUE WITH THE SQUIRRELS

Florida man tries to feed raccoon, learns valuable lesson

(Thanks to funny man)

AND PEOPLE SAY AMERICANS DON'T CARE ABOUT THE ISSUES

This woman cares.

Advisory: Bad words.

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson)

ATTENTION, REWRITE

Man shot with machete in DeKalb County

WHAT'S THAT SMELL?

Shuttered incinerator means poop trucks roll

(Thanks to Harry Farkas)

BEST. NEWS. EVER.

How Beer Can Help Your Weight Loss

(Thanks to Mike Utt)

WE SAW PHOBIA OF CHEESE OPEN FOR THE RAMONES

Student claims she has a phobia of cheese - and parmesan is particularly terrifying

(Thanks to Patty Villanova)

TROUBLE DOWN UNDER

Redback spider bites Australian man on penis

(Thanks to wiredog, Nigel, Allen at Division and Patty Villanova)

WE'LL JUST HAVE A BEER, THANKS

Jaw-dropping moment a man downs a jar of water with live fish, tadpoles and FROGS swimming inside

(Thanks to Jeffrey Brown)

LEGAL TACTIC OF THE WEEK SO FAR

A lawyer has been caught on camera eating an important document

(Thanks to Jeffrey Brown)

THEY WERE DISCUSSING FINANCES

Brawl breaks out at Alabama city council meeting after the mayor punched a councilman in the face

(Thanks to Jeffrey Brown and Jon Harris)

GET THAT NOBEL PRIZE READY

Here’s how it works: a man who suddenly finds himself curious to know his level of body odor can activate the app, put the smartphone near his armpit, and allow the electronic nose to pick up smell and analyze it based on a specially created algorithm that previously evaluated the scent of 4,000 other males.

(Thanks to coscolo)

'SNAP CHOMP'

...police are warning people not to take selfies with an alligator in suburban Atlanta.

(Thanks to Le Petomane and Jay Brandes)

TOTALLY JUSTIFIED

Man Sucker-Punched On LES "Because You Look Like Shia LaBeouf"

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson)

UH-OH

Officials Ponder How To Remove Dead Whale From Surf Spot

(Thanks to Ralph and The Perts)

NOT CREEPY AT ALL!

This Japanese dude built a robotic tongue to lick his favorite anime characters

(Thanks to John Mayson)

WE'RE GONNA NEED A BIGGER BRASSIERE

A female elephant has been snapped by a wildlife photographer exposing her breasts while out for a walk with her adorable baby and the rest of the herd.

(Thanks to Jeffrey Brown, who says "And this is different from the Kardashians, how?")

STUD

Half of all males in Western Europe 'descended from one man'

(Thanks to Allen at Division, who says "We're thinking it's Charlie Sheen.")

SHE HAD HER REASONS

Woman smashes 80 bottles at Washington bar

(Thanks to Woozy Barnes)

WE DON'T WANT TO KNOW HOW HE ILLUSTRATES RAINSTORMS

 Weather forecaster fired after repeatedly 'breaking wind' on screen to illustrate gusty conditions

(Thanks to funny man)

WE DON'T WANT TO DISAPPOINT THEM

New research shows the colours bedbugs prefer

(Thanks to Madeleine)

PROBABLY NOT SERVING FONDUE

London’s first nude restaurant has a waiting list 16,000 names long

(Thanks to Newtonian)

WE JUST WANT THE T-SHIRT

The Electronic Sports League (ESL) has banned a team from its competitions because it is sponsored by pornography website YouPorn.

(Thanks to Patty Villanova)

THEY WON'T GET FAR ON.... NEVER MIND.

British police department perplexed by giant foot-shaped vehicle

(Thanks to Jon Harris)

STRUMPETING

Hey, my new young-adult book -- The Worst Night Ever -- is out today. It has teenaged angst AND lethally venomous scorpions. 

BRILLIANT

This city embedded traffic lights in the sidewalks so that smartphone users don’t have to look up

(Thanks to Geoff)

A FLORIDA LICENSE IS ON THE WAY

Man in 'this guy needs a beer' T-shirt charged with DUI after crashing his car - outside a police station

Nice mug shot, bro.

(Thanks to Patty Villanova and Jeffrey Brown)