Dave Barry's Blog

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

A Florida man is accused of entering the room of a couple that were having sex, and joining in without consent.

(Thanks to John Mayson)

THE GOOD NEWS WAS, NO STOMACH CAVITIES

Gruesome video shows surgeons removing more than 20 TOOTHBRUSHES from patient's stomach

Advisory: Ew.

(Thanks to Patty Villanova)

IN THAT CASE, MA'AM, YOU ARE FREE TO GO

It’s all part of my plan, says woman who crashed in ditch

And when Sebastian police asked the pickup truck driver, Linda Norman, whether she’d been drinking, she said, “(Expletive) yea!”

You know the state.

(Thanks to John Mayson)

BRILLIANT

Japan invents electric 'salt-flavoured fork'

(Thanks to coscolo)

FASHION UPDATE

Passenger wears all his clothes to avoid paying EasyJet baggage fee

(Thanks to Janice Gelb, who says "Good luck in the tiny plane bathroom.")

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

Cyclist making Jimmy John's delivery climbs over moving train

(Thanks to Jon Harris)

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

Bloodied Florida man goes on hotel rampage after losing his dogs, smashes beer bottle on his own head, threatens deputies

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson)

SISTER DUDES

Sisters who run a medicinal marijuana business pictured smoking cannabis, tending plants and making their pot-infused products in striking picture series

(Thanks to Geoff)

JESUS SIGHTINGS UPDATE

Now: A fountain.

(Thanks to Rick Day)

YOU KNOW WHO IS RESPONSIBLE FOR THIS

Squirrel exterminators mistaken for gunmen cause lockdown at Arkansas school

(Thanks to John Mayson, Kevin Smith and Todd Lawson)

LOVE IS IN THE AIR

A woman has reported a man to the police for farting in her apartment after she did not want to have sex with him.

(Thanks to ChrisinVA, Michael Moyer, Kevin Smith, Jonathan Cook and Ralph)

GUYS IN ACTION

Guy vs. compost bin.

(Thanks to Jan Grimsby)

IT'S ALMOST APRIL FOOLS' DAY, SO WE DON'T KNOW ABOUT THIS

Polish company to brew beer from Czech model's vagina bacteria

(Thanks to Allen at Division, Kevin Smith, John Mayson and Ralph) (Also Jon Harris, who says "I'd almost drink Budweiser first.")

CHURCH TEXT OF THE WEEK SO FAR

Oops.

(Thanks to Kevin Smith)

SOUNDS AUTHORITATIVE TO US

President Eisenhower’s great-granddaughter says vegan diets could attract extraterrestrial life

They will blast the Earth with an anti-kale ray.

(Thanks to DaninDallas)

A GIANT LEAP

Oculus ushers in a Golden Age of masturbation

(Thanks to Jeff Schneider)

GOOD BOY, DUDE!

Dog comes home with surprise for family: Bag of marijuana

(Thanks to Rick Day, Jon Harris, Ron Weil and Le Petomane)

CSI: HEFLIN, ALABAMA

Report of body in car trunk turns out to be Dora the Explorer

(Thanks to Ralph)

STATE OF ROMANCE

Wisconsin stripper bites customer 'in the crotch' during lap dance

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson)

UNDERSTANDABLE

Husband divorces wife after she kicked his penis and claimed he was too fat to satisfy her sexually

(Thanks to Patty Villanova)

YIKES

Monstrous gorilla tries to attack zoo visitor through glass

(Thanks to West Coast Rod)

Link fixed, I hope.

THEY ALL HAVE VALID DRIVERS' LICENSES

Feral pigs roaming Florida neighborhood

(Thanks to The Perts)

SOON WE WILL HAVE NO CONSTITUTIONAL RIGHTS LEFT

A 47-year-old man was arrested Sunday after allegedly yelling obscenities and flipping off cars in downtown Manitowoc.

(Thanks to Car Ramrod)

SOUNDS LEGIT!

The Chevrolet Suburban, normally valued at around $60,000, was selling for half its normal price. All he had to do was bring $30,000 in cash to a McDonald’s parking lot in Nashville, and the new vehicle would be his.

(Thanks to klezmerphan)

'THEY ARGUED AFTER DRINKS'

Hubby drove with wife ON ROOF OF sport utility vehicle

You know the state.

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson and Ralph)

Another Version: Man, 69, 'drove six miles with his screaming wife, 50, clinging to roof of his Toyota and claims he didn't know she was there'

(Thanks to Geoff, who says "What noise?")

SAY CHEESE

New York nurse loses license for taking picture of patient's penis

(Thanks to funny man)

'THE COMPANY BELIEVES THIS IS DUE TO INCREASING USE OF SMARTPHONES'

A recent analysis of big data by Central Nippon Expressway Co. (NEXCO Central) has revealed that more and more men tend to prefer cubicles over urinals in restrooms.

(Thanks to Alberto)

MEANWHILE ON COCK LANE

“I said to my daughter 'hang on a minute, someone's drawn willies on the road.'"

(Thanks to Ralph)

THERE IS NO ESCAPE

Woman arrested on Interstate 75 in Bradenton tells troopers she needed to escape 'evil spirits in Florida'

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson)

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

Clermont man accused of attacking door for drugs

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson)

YOU KNOW THE SQUIRRELS WERE BEHIND THIS

Watch Men Rescue Goat Hanging By Its Horns From Power Line

(Thanks to Rick Day)

WHAT COULD POSSIBLY GO WRONG?

The concept is simple: golfers can order drinks, snacks or other items via a smartphone app, with the items then sent over from the clubhouse via a drone.

(Thanks to Allen at Division, who asks: "And just what IS the penalty for your golf ball hitting a drone?")

HIS SONGS WILL SHOOT YOU IN THE THIGH OF YOUR HEART

See Kiefer Sutherland's Debut Country-Music Video 'Not Enough Whiskey'

(Thanks to Sharon [The Minx] Lurie)

SUUUURE

Sex will be GONE within 30 years as designer baby-making replaces old-school bonking

(Thanks to Jeff Schneider, who says "my money is on the old-school bonking.")

'IT WORKS EVERY TIME'

Billy Dee Williams is back as Colt 45 spokesman

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson, who says "It's about damn time.")

FATHER'S DAY IS COMING

Th ManCan Personal Keg System.

(Thanks to Suzie Q Wacvet)

ALWAYS A SHREWD MANEUVER

Man takes Taser away from police

You know the state.

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson)

WAIT... HE WRITES CHECKS TO HIS DOG?

A San Francisco man’s online payment was blocked by his bank earlier this month because his dog’s name sounded like a terrorist network.

(Thanks to Rob Simbeck)

'ADORABLE,' UNTIL THE ENGINE BLOWS UP

Adorable moment a bemused mechanic lifts the bonnet of a car and finds a family of tiny SQUIRRELS fast asleep

(Thanks to Michael Moyer)

WE'RE GONNA NEED A BIGGER BASKET

During Washington State Easter Egg Hunt, Cops Find Huge Pot Operation

(Thanks to Mike Ester)

DAYTON: A WILD AND CRAZY TOWN

Chicken crosses the road, uses crosswalk

(Thanks to Ralph)

CSI: FLATHEAD COUNTY

2:36 p.m. A lonely and dejected black lab tried to get into a new friend’s vehicle, but was told to get out.

(Thanks to Stan Ruth)

A FLORIDA ETC.

Car dangles from power lines after Tennessee crash

(Thanks to manual tomato)

IT MEANS THEY NEED TO BE CHANGED

Smelly Gas And Poop Of Babies Could Mean Something

(Thanks to Unholy Slacker)

THEY WERE SUPPOSED TO BE T-SHIRTS

2 dead, venomous snakes found in package at post office

(Thanks to Rick Day)

Related: Cat sent by mail survives 8 days in box

(Thanks to funny man and Le Petomane)

EVERYBODY TAKE THE REST OF THE WEEK OFF

Zoo Celebrates Birth Of Endangered Warty Pig

(Thanks to DaninDallas)

CANADA: A NATION IN CHAOS

Mountie halts highway traffic for stubborn beaver

(Thanks to Ralph)

WE'RE GUESSING HE'S SINGLE

Man who looks like parrot changes his name to Parrotman

We can think of some other names for him.

(Thanks to Ralph)

MEANWILE IN SPORTS

Loo racing is on in Putaruru

(Thanks to Ralph)

UNCLEAR ON THE CONCEPT

Marauding parents in Easter Egg hunt rampage

(Thanks to Jay Brandes, Patty Villanova and John Gregg)