Dave Barry's Blog

GUESS WHAT STATE LICENSED HER TO DRIVE

Driving drunk, fighting with firefighters and knocking out power for hundreds of people -- that's what one woman is accused of doing

(Thanks to Jeff)

GET THAT NOBEL PRIZE READY

The Japanese firm has invented self-powered office chairs that park themselves back into their original position with a simple clap of the hands.

(Thanks to The Perts)

SO IT'S NOT THE BEER AND PIZZA

Breathing smog-filled air causes weight gain and leads to diseases linked to obesity

(Thanks to Al Barkafski)

WE MIGHT AS WELL JUST SHRED THE CONSTITUTION

Naked man is arrested for walking into Nashville airport and lining up for a ticket

(Thanks to Kevin Smith and Mitch)

THEY ALSO HAD 'A LARGE AMOUNT OF ROAD SIGNS'

Police have arrested 41 people after a three-day raging house party near a college campus lead to a property being condemned.

(Thanks to Madeleine)

OK

Don’t be scared if you see Kim Kardashian’s giant booty over Britain next month

(Thanks to Dave D)

'SATISFY YOUR MUNCHIES'

Girl scout sells cookies outside Portland pot shop

(Thanks to Ralph and Madeleine)

WISCONSIN: LAND OF WONDERS

The Elvis Karate Fight Memorial Plaque

Though it wasn't actually a fight.

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson)

THAT'S ONE WORD FOR IT

Furry Nails Is the Craziest Nail Trend of the Moment

(Thanks to Cassie Silvola)

COOL

The brilliant online gadget that identities every 10 sq ft patch of land on the planet - and gives each one its own unique three-word name

(Thanks to Jerzy Gembura, who notes that the Statue of Liberty is at then.drill.moth)

WHAT'S THAT SMELL?

Mobile phones are 'cooking' men's sperm

(Thanks to Le Petomane)

Related:

(Thanks to Iceman)

FIGURES

Hitler 'had tiny deformed penis' as well as just one testicle, historians claim

(Thanks to Patrick Groulx, who says "'Hitler's Micropenis': a good (if unfortunate) band name?")

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

Man filmed pulling a shark out of the sea in Florida before posing for pictures with the struggling animal

(Thanks to coscolo and Madeleine)

DINING IN FLORIDAAAAAAAAAAA

A disagreement over cheesy garlic knots sparked a melee inside a Palm Coast pizzeria and led to four arrests late Friday night, according to deputy reports.

(Thanks to Madeleine, Dave D, Jeff Meyerson, coscolo and Rob Simbeck)

NEITHER SNOW NOR RAIN NOR... YIKES!!

A Postal Service police officer started shooting when he was spooked by a rat in a darkened Post Office Friday morning, sources said.

(Thanks to Madeleine)

CREEPING FASCISM UPDATE

Penis sausage waffle seller shafted after food market protest at obscene phallic fancies

Autoplay.

(Thanks to DaninDallas)

'I DIDN'T KNOW TWERKING VIOLATED ANYBODY'S AMENDMENTS'

How a Mississippi bounce concert was shut down over anticipated twerking

(Thanks to Madeleine)

HE HAS OUR VOTE

A 46-year-old man from Thornhill, Ont., formerly known as Sheldon Bergson, spent $137 to legally change his name to Above Znoneofthe

Related: Man changes name with relish... to Bacon Double Cheeseburger

(Thanks to Ralph)

ELVIS IS EVERYWHERE

Apollo 10 astronauts heard mysterious 'music' on the dark side of the moon, newly uncovered tapes reveal

(Thanks to Le Petomane)

PERMANENTLY GROUNDED

Italian ‘coffee king’ buried in giant espresso pot

(Thanks to Le Petomane)

THE FIRST STEP IS ADMITTING YOU ARE POWERLESS

“Problematic Internet use” is now considered to be a behavioral addiction with characteristics that are similar to substance use disorders.

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson, who says "I can quit any time I want to.")

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

A Florida man was shot in the leg after arguing with another man over which strip club they thought was better, according to WKYC.

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson)

NOTHING MUST STAND IN THEIR WAY

Salisbury Cathedral sculpture moved because texters kept walking into it

(Thanks to Ralph)

A FLORIDA CERTIFICATE OF RESIDENCE IS ON THE WAY

A highway north of Calgary was shut down earlier this week after a house became stuck on the road.

(Thanks to Le Petomane)

BOLO

SURGERY PATIENT IN TEXAS WAKES UP TO MISSING BELLY BUTTON

(Thanks to nursecindy, who says "If I had a dollar for everytime I accidentally threw away a patients belly button I'd be a rich woman.")

APOLOGIZE FOR WHAT?

Oregon high school apologizes after students get porn emails

(Thanks to Jon Harris)

WILDLIFE

Deer opens door, browses in Virginia liquor store

(Thanks to Ralph)

DO NOT MESS WITH THEM

A woman in China found out her husband had a secret mistress and went ballistic by jamming a giant meat cleaver into his skull.

Also, do not click on the link.

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson)

NAME THAT STATE!

Ex-con on skateboard pulled by dog is busted for heroin and cocaine

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson, who claims he saw Ex-Cons on Skateboards open for Ten Years After.)

IS THERE A PROBLEM, OFFICER?

A Minnesota man arrested yesterday afternoon for drunk driving was behind the wheel of a makeshift bar, according to cops who discovered eight open bottles of liquor inside the automobile.

(Thanks to Dave D.)

A RAY OF HOPE IN A TROUBLED WORLD

Pumpkin-flinging contest eyes return to Delmarva in 2016

(Thanks to Le Petomane)

TACKLING THE ISSUES

Tesco is chucking out its crescent-shaped croissants and replacing them with straight ones instead.

(Thanks to Allen at Division)

ADVISORY

Bad news lads, there’s a testicle-eating fish ‘on its way to the UK’

(Thanks to Allen at Division)

GUYS IN ACTION

Man lovingly trims garden foliage into shape of 18 ft penis

(Thanks to Dave N.)

Related: Man Wakes Up With Huge Penis Tattoo On His Leg

(Thanks to Gary Schroeder)

NOW 30 PERCENT LOUDER!

Cybernetic Third Arm Makes Drummers Even More Annoying

(Thanks to Ralph)

AGRICULTURAL UPDATE

Farmers using sex dolls as scarecrows to keep vermin (and people) away from crops

(Thanks to Rick Day and Ralph)

WHAT'S THAT SMELL?

Excavating outhouse holes yields historic treasures

(Thanks to Eric)

YOU GO, GIRL

Police say an 81-year-old Pennsylvania woman chased down robbers who stole her purse, ramming their car with hers and leaving damage that helped officers apprehend them.

(Thanks to Al Barkafski, Rick Day and Harry)

NOW WITH ADDED PROTEIN

Snake head found in Farmington woman's can of green beans

(Thanks to Jay Brandes)

MAKES SENSE, IF YOU'RE A DEMON

Exorcist claims 'beautiful women' are more likely to be possessed by evil demons

(Thanks to Jerzy Gembura, who says "My ex-wife is the best example," and Jeff Schneider, who says "This explains my marriage.")

WE'RE GUESSING HE'S SINGLE

Hello, Kitty.

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson)

Related: Man with 'Psycho X Pathic' tattoo on forehead had sky-high blood-alcohol level

(Thanks to Geoff Scott, who says "never saw that coming.")

HEY, IT WAS A MEDICAL EMERGENCY

Man escapes hospital after surgery, wearing only bedsheet to buy beer

(Thanks to W. von Papineau)

READY... AIM... CONVERT!

Medina church aims to boost fellowship with possible gun range

(Thanks to Judy B.)

'IT'S IRRELEVANT EXCTLY HOW THE PANTS GOT IN THERE'

'Unauthorised trousers' kill Canadian zoo's otter

(Thanks to Peter)

WE SAW THEM OPEN FOR THE COWSILLS

Australia town consumed by 'hairy panic'

(Thanks to wiredog, who says "their cover of 'Tumblin' Tumbleweeds' is amazing.") (Also thanks to Chuck Cody and Judy B.)

YOU KNOW THE SQUIRRELS ARE BEHIND THIS

Hungry mice thwart fix for Brussels' traffic chaos

(Thanks to Le Petomane)

Also this: Mailman gets trapped in his truck by gang of vicious birds

(Thanks to Patty Villanova)

LISTEN UP

Sound wave therapy is first alternative to Viagra in 15 years

(Thanks to Gary Schroeder)

THERE IS NOTHING LEFT TO BELIEVE IN

The Parmesan Cheese You Sprinkle on Your Penne Could Be Wood

(Thanks to Meanie the Blue)

THEY'RE A GATEWAY TO FRUITCAKE

Arizona state representative seeks to legalize potlucks

(Thanks to funny man)

'FIREFIGHTERS WERE CALLED'

Drunk monkey armed with kitchen knife chases bar patrons

(Thanks to Kevin Smith and Carl Youngdahl)