Dave Barry's Blog

COLONEL DRACULA

Chinese villagers are living in fear of a VAMPIRE killer after hundreds of dead chickens are mysteriously found with blood sucked out of them

(Thanks to Le Petomane and Patty Villanova)

 

GUYS IN ACTION

Vietnamese man tries to kill rat, burns down house

(Thanks to Jon Harris)

THEY SEEM TO WORK FOR VEGAS

N.H. lawmakers think nipples are bad for tourism

(Thanks to David Clausing)

WE'VE HAD THE SAME THOUGHT A THOUSAND TIMES

“I thought hey, wouldn’t it be funny if I made some chrism-scented Catholic beard balm?”

(Thanks to nursecindy)

Note: We're talking about chrism, you pervert.

DELIVERY FOR MR. WOLTZ*

A woman in Highbridge Park in Upper Manhattan Sunday morning discovered a severed horse head and other animal parts inside a cardboard box, according to the NYPD.

(Thanks to Le Petomane)

*Identify that reference.

WE SAW THEM OPEN FOR LEG-HUMPING STRAY DOG

Biologists kill bully owls to protect endangered owls

(Thanks to coscolo)

LOVE IS IN THE AIR

Two pregnant women fight over man on Valentine’s Day at Olive Garden

(Thanks to Stan Ruth)

'ALONE OR WITH OTHERS'

‘Sexsomnia’ Sufferers Have Sex In Their Sleep, And Don’t Remember It

(Thanks to Le Petomane and Al Barkafski)

NOW WITH ADDED CRICKETS

French pasta-maker struggling to keep up with demand for insect noodles

(Thanks to The Perts)

LOOK! UP IN YOUR HAIR!*

‘Super lice’ outbreak hits 25 states

(Thanks to Le Petomane, who says "Kinda like Suoer Tuesday.")

*Geezer reference.

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

Florida Officials Drain Lake Full Of ‘Toilet’ Water To Coast

Florida Fugitive Bids to Hide Identity, Chews Off Fingertips

(Thanks to Jay Brandes, Jon Harris, Le Petomane, B'game and Judy B.)

WE SAW THEM OPEN FOR THE RAMONES

Leg-Humping Stray Dog Prevents Local Reporter From Getting Through His Live Shot

(Thanks to Ralph)

MEANWHILE ABROAD

Fart sparks shoot out between rival Spanish gypsy clans

(Thanks to Unholy Slacker)

WE SAW THEM OPEN FOR THE B-52S

Transvestite Vampire Biker Nuns from Outer Space is among the contenders for a prize given annually to the year's oddest book title.

(Thanks to Ralph)

CLASSY

Shopper, 21, caught with dead grandmother’s disabled parking badge said she was ‘using it in her honour’

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson, who says "In that case, ma'am, you are free to go.")

INCREDIBLY, THIS DID NOT HAPPEN IN FLORIDA

Man armed with sword and blowgun crashes U-Haul into Church following police chase

(Thanks to Allen at Division)

ONLY 397,894 TO GO

FLORIDA’S PYTHON CHALLENGE YIELDS A WHOPPING 106 PYTHONS CAPTURED

(Thanks to Emily, Leslie and w, who say "Send them to Washington.")

Another Version: 106 snakes including 15-footer caught in Florida Python Challenge

(Thanks to Bob Brogan and Steve Javobson)

TOTALLY PLAUSIBLE

Sleeping man says bag of drugs in mouth isn’t his

You know the state.

(Thanks to ubetcha)

STAY CLASSY, EAST ROCKAWAY

A woman once dubbed the 'hot dog hooker' is back at it again... she now has a sign in her front yard offering topless lap dances on her swing.

(Thanks to Jon Harris)

WE CAN'T WAIT FOR THE MOVIE

Reading from Behind: A Cultural History of the Anus

(Thanks to Allen at Division)

NICE GOING, KID

Authorities say a second-grader's story about helping a farmer grow "special medicine" plants led to a big marijuana bust in Vermont.

(Thanks to Jon Harris)

SOME ENCHANTED EVENING, YOU WILL CATCH A WHIFF

Smell Dating will match you with other single people based on their body odour

(Thanks to Chuck Cody)

BOLO

‘Runaway unicorn' prompts police chase

Autoplay.

(Thanks to Jon Harris, Jan in Grimsby, funny man, Bob Brogan, Allen at Division and W. von Papineau)

THIS JUST IN

Snow Penis Reported as Bias-Incident

NAME THAT CITY

Naked Woman Kicks Out Police Car Window

(Thanks to Kevin Smith)

WE ASSUME IT WAS A FLORIDA LICENSE

High school senior was Ukrainian man, 23, with fake ID

(Thanks to Geoff Scott and Jon Harris)

AWKWARD

Two female passengers are shocked to find their airline puts them together inside a LOVE HOTEL after their flight is delayed

Handcuffs, whips and chains

(Thanks to Steve K)

TIME FOR A HUMAN RIGHTS BENEFIT CONCERT

Canadian banned from owning turtles after smuggling 38 in pants

(Thanks to Le Petomane)

THAT'S WHAT THE CONFERENCE ROOM IS FOR

Stop having drunken sex in the stairways, startup tells employees

(Thanks to Ralph)

OR MAYBE THE OCEAN JUST LIKES TO HUM

Mystery Ocean Hum May be Migration Signal, or Fish Farting

(Thanks to Bill Hudgins)

ELEMENTARY, DR. WATSON

Police Hunt Bald Guy In Rogaine Thefts

(Thanks to Le Petomane, DaninDallas and coscolo, who says "Better catch him quick before he grows a head of hair.")

TOTALLY VALID

Alleged shoplifter said she was too impatient to pay

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson, who says "In that case, Florida Woman, you are free to go.")

IT'S VERY JITTERY

Microbiologists discover caffeine-adapted bacteria living in the sludge in their office coffee machine.

(Thanks to The Perts)

HE HAILS FROM HUMPTY DOO

Burping world record claimed by Darwin man with fizzy drink-fuelled 110.6-decibel belch

(Thanks to Steve Thompson)

'HE APPEARS TO BE PRETTY HAPPY'

16-year-old boy wins month at hotel with porn star in online contest

(Thanks to The Perts)

WHAT'S THAT SMELL?

Three men stuck in a lift after curry feast

(Thanks to Ralph)

WE SAW TWL OPEN FOR THE POO-SLINGING NEIGHBOURS

Tiara-wearing lunatic bites passenger on JFK-bound flight

(Thanks to Jon Harris)

END TIMES UPDATE

AN ASTEROID IS SET TO CRASH INTO EARTH, SO WE’RE SENDING IT MEMES

Or, less sensationally:

NASA is putting your artwork on an asteroid, because why not

(Thanks to The Perts)

CSI: ENGLAND

Man carrying gnome sparks police alert on M60 in Greater Manchester

(Thanks to Ralph)

MEANWHILE IN CANADA

Charges dropped in poo-slinging neighbour fight

^{We saw PFN open for Phish.}

^{(Thanks to The Perts)}

'MURDEROUS CATTLE' WBAGNFARB

How Not to Get Killed by a Cow

(Thanks to John Gregg)

'BREACH OF PEACE'

Austrian man fined $77 for burping at kebab stand

(Thanks to Gary Schroeder and Ralph)

TODAY IN BRITISH REAL ESTATE

Semi at 69 Cock Lane goes on sale

(Thanks to Jan in Grimsby)

IT WAS RELEASED AFTER PRODUCING A VALID FLORIDA DRIVER'S LICENSE

Reported 'injured otter' was collar from faux-fur coat

(Thanks to Jon Harris)

IT'S NOT EASY, WITH THOSE HELMETS

Florida firefighters accused of having sex on the job

(Thanks to Le Petomane)

UPDATE

Meerkat expert in love triangle cleared of assaulting monkey handler

(Thanks to The Perts)

TRY THE CLAMS

Issaquah restaurant patron finds rare, gem quality pearl in food

(Thanks to Craig Roberts)

ALWAYS A FUN FAMILY PLACE

12 Person Brawl Breaks Out at A Chuck E. Cheese

(Thanks to Jon Harris)

WHO SAYS ROMANCE IS DEAD?

Police arrest "voodoo" couple who performed bizarre love ritual in cemetery with "bones from corpse"

(Thanks to funny man)

LET THIS ELEPHANT ROAM FREE

Elephant slaps a man in the face for taking a video on his selfie stick

(Thanks to Le Petomane, who says "I agree with the elephant.")