Dave Barry's Blog

NOT WEIRD AT ALL!

‘A worm fell into my mouth. I gagged’: my life as a badger

(Thanks to John Gregg)

'IT RUNS ON ALCOHOL'

Genius Builds Real Lightsaber And It’s As Dangerous As It Sounds

(Thanks to James in NC)

YOU KNOW THE STATE

Woman arrested for stealing Botox

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson)

NOT CREEPY AT ALL

This filmmaker replaced his eyeball with a camera

(Thanks to Le Petomane)

BECAUSE IT WASN'T REPULSIVE ENOUGH

A Scottish chef has invented guinea pig haggis

(Thanks to funny man)

NEVERTHELESS THEY ALL HAVE VALID FLORIDA DRIVERS' LICENSES

We Haven’t Found Aliens Because They’re All Already Dead, Scientists Say

(Thanks to klezmerphan)

THEY FORMED A BAAAARRICADE

Flock of sheep helps police end 90-minute car chase in New Zealand

(Thanks to Janice Gelb and Allen at Division, who says "One Baaaaadam Twelve...")

'IT COULD CAUSE TROUBLE IN THE WRONG HANDS'

Nearly $50,000 In Bull Semen Stolen From Turlock Truck

(Thanks to Jay Brandes)

CSI: DORSET

Drive-by yoghurt attack on crochet teacher's haberdashery leaves her shaken

(Thanks to Jerzy Gembura and Jeff Meyerson)

MEN:

You don't want to know.

(Thanks to funny man)

MAKE THAT BURGER WELL-DONE, PLEASE

A Chinese man who visited his doctor after suffering from severe tummy ache was found to have a giant tapeworm growing inside his stomach - after years of gorging on raw beef.

(Thanks to EricY and Harry Nom de Plume)

BE CAREFUL OUT THERE

(Thanks to Jenny Kellner)

CONTROL-ALT-EYE OF NEWT

Californian woman uses ‘witchcraft’ to solve computer problems

(Thanks to funny man)

WE ASSUME THIS IS A JOKE

But you never know.

(Thanks to Jim Newman)

THEN CONTACT A DIVORCE LAWYER

Bronx Zoo: Name a cockroach for your Valentine

(Thanks to Ralph, funny man and W. von Papineau)

IF YOU ONLY READ ONE 911-CALL TRANSCRIPT TODAY...

...make it this one, dude.

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson, Jeffrey Brown and maryqos)

IN OUR DAY, THIS WAS KNOWN AS 'HIJINKS'

Hatfield 19-year-old accused of arson after allegedly leaving flaming box of excrement on porch of Northampton home

Key Deduction: Police said the package contained a "substance consistent with excrement," leading to the initial conclusion that the incident had been a prank, police said.

Yes, police said that, said police.

(Thanks to Tom Kopec)

HARRY POOTER

Daniel Radcliffe’s Farting Corpse Movie Prompts Walk-Outs

(Thanks to Harry Nom de Plume and Al Barkafski)

THEY FOUND 'A SMALL CORRELATION'

Average penis size revealed: Scientists attempt to find what is 'normal' to reassure concerned men

(Thanks to Le Petomane, Al Barkafski, Dave D and DaninDallas)

GUYS IN ACTION

The desperate actions of a man who poked a finger into the bum of an attacking dog may have saved Phillip McLean's leg.

(Thanks to Ross Marks, who asks: "Would this work with alligators?")

NO THANKS

Meet the spiders that have formed armies 50,000 strong

(Thanks to Allen at Division)

MAKES FOR SOME TRICKY PICKUP LINES

A man has been banned from having sex with a woman unless he gives police 24 hours warning.

(Thanks to Patty Villanova and Al Barkafski)

FLORIDA WILDLIFE REPORT

Crocodile found lounging in pool at Keys house

(Thanks to Ralph and Emily, Leslie and w)

FATHER'S DAY IS COMING

World's most expensive Haggis on sale for $5,600

(Thanks to Jay Brandes and Jon Harris)

WE SAW THEM OPEN FOR PHISH

Sex Wearables Go Where Fitbit Dares Not Tread

(Thanks to Al Barkafski)

SEND THIS DOCTOR TO WASHINGTON

Doctor ‘does head transplant on a monkey’ – and plans to do a human next

(Thanks to funny man)

INCREDIBLY, THIS DID NOT HAPPEN IN FLORIDA

A search is underway for a man who posted a video of himself biting the head of a live rat and swallowing it with three shots of vodka.

(Thanks to Janice Gelb)

IT IS NOT TOO EARLY TO START DRINKING

Planet X, or Nibiru, is on a crash course with Earth, doomsayers believe

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson)

SHRINKAGE ALERT

Man clings to car roof in his underpants for THREE MILES after vehicle is stolen from his drive in Norway

(Thanks to Al Barkafski)

THEY HAVE CHALLENGED NORTH KOREA

Saskatoon attempting to break world record for snowball fight

(Thanks to The Perts)

PUT YOUR HANDS TOGETHER FOR....

Tiny Rat Casino.

(Thanks to W. von Papineau)

THAT SHOULD FIX THE KARMA

Buddhist monk Julian Glew slashed 162 tyres after stepping on insect

(Thanks to Steve Thompson and Al Barkafski)

THERE'S NO PENIS LIKE SNOW PENIS

Park police finally removed that snow penis, so someone replaced it with an even bigger one

(Thanks to Ralph, funny man and Steve Thompson)

IT WAS RELEASED AFTER PRODUCING A VALID FLORIDA DRIVER'S LICENSE

NYPD Captures Cow in Queens

(Thanks to Ralph, Colleen, Al Barkafski and Jeff Meyerson)

LOOKS LIKE JESUS TO US

Crazy 'alien being' spotted cloud surfing from window of UK-bound plane

(Thanks to funny man)

STAGE NAME: 'CAN HEAD'

Mysterious medical condition causes objects to stick to this man's head

Autoplay.

(Thanks to Harry Nom de Plume)

THE NEXT STEP IS TOTAL ANARCHY

Just days ahead of an expected blizzard on the East Coast, New Jersey has officially repealed a nonsensical rule banning the shoveling of snow without a license.

(Thanks to Le Petomane)

THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH

Brain-tangling algae lurks in Florida waters

(Thanks to Allen at Division)

NAME THAT STATE!

Man with cocaine in shorts says pants not his

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson)

FOLLOWED BY THE POUND SIGN

The newest prime number is more than 22 million digits long

(Thanks to Steve K)

TOTALLY JUSTIFIED, DUDE

Man, 25, Attacked Mother After Her Dog Ate His Marijuana, Cops Charge

(Thanks to Gary Schroeder)

WE SAW SUSPICIOUS BACON OPEN FOR THE YOUNGBLOODS

Virginia man charged with trespassing on property carrying suspicious bacon

(Thanks to Another Ralph)

'WE CAN INFER THEY BEAT A VERY HASTY RETREAT'

But police in Laverton, Western Australia say that when the thief or thieves tried to siphon the fuel from the tank, they got a mouthful of poo instead.

(Thanks to Ralph)

NOT THAT THERE IS ANYTHING WRONG WITH IT

Some upset with new batch of Orange County license plates that spell out 'GAY'

(Thanks to John Mayson)

WE'RE SURE THERE'S A PERFECTLY INNOCENT EXPLANATION

Woman faces new charges after bag of heroin found under breast in jail

You know the state.

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson)

WHAT'S WRONG WITH THE WORLD TODAY

This.

(Thanks to Mark Johnson and Debbie Awalt)

IS THIS A PICKUP ORDER?

Domino's apologise for "misguided marketing humour" after sex doll appears in Shoreham store

(Thanks to Jay Brandes)

THIS DRIVER IS WELCOME ON THE ROADS OF FLORIDA

Ontario Provincial Police pulled a driver over in Huron County who had barely cleared a third of the windshield.

(Thanks to W. von Papineau)

WHO COULD HAVE SEEN THIS COMING?

 Update: Oops. Forgot to post the actual story:

Walt Disney Parks and Resorts are recalling Darth Vader and Disneyland 60th anniversary infant onesies because the snaps can detach and pose a choking hazard.

Rest assured that judi etc.

(Thanks to Ken Moore)

IS THAT WHAT THEY'RE CALLING IT THESE DAYS?

A growing number of people in the Twin Cities are finding great comfort in Cuddle Parties.

(Thanks to Dave D. and R & L Stevenson)