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January 31, 2016

DON'T TREAD (OR ANYTHING ELSE) ON ME

The Uncompahgre Valley Water Users Association must pay disability compensation to a former employee, whose supervisor previously tormented staff with “pranks” that included defecating in lunches, attempting to defecate on coworkers in the field and setting off homemade bombs.

(Thanks to Gerald S.)

AND THEY'LL COME WITH A COMPLIMENTARY DRIVER'S LICENSE

AK-47s to be manufactured in the Sunshine State.

(Thanks to Allen at Division)

UPDATE FROM IOWA

The big issue: Sod.

January 30, 2016

DUUUUDE

Aggressive Coyotes may be high on shrooms

(Thanks to Madeleine)

MY TARGET READER DEMOGRAPHIC

Here's Dylan Maxwell Barry, who calls me Bop Bop, critiquing one of my books.

 

BECAUSE SCIENCE

Earth happened just like a Reese's peanut butter cup.

(Thanks to Dan B.)

THE FURRIES ARE AT IT AGAIN

This time they're porn-tweeting cereal icons.

(Thanks to judy b.)

THEY JUST WANTED IT TO STOP

Police in Amsterdam mistakenly kicked in the door of a local opera singer after residents called in reports of a man screaming.

(Thanks to Ralph K., Jon Harris, and Jeff Meyerson)

In extremely vaguely related news, the tutu situation is perilous*.

(Thanks to Monique C.)

*The Perilous Tutus WBAGNFARB

January 29, 2016

UPDATE FROM IOWA

Try the chipped beef.

GOING FOR THE GOLD

A Swedish sled dog was able to win a gold medal in the national championships despite taking time to relieve itself seconds before crossing the finish line.

(Thanks to Jeff S. and Kevin S.)

NEWS YOU CANNOT USE

But "Penis Panics" is fun to say.

(Thanks to funny man)

January 28, 2016

IOWA CAMPAIGN UPDATE

Here's how I got this T-shirt.

Rocky Shirt (1)

THE LEAST WEIRD THING ABOUT THIS STORY

...is that flight attendants serve food and drink to dolls.

(Thanks to Steve T.) 

BREAKFAST ON THE CAMPAIGN TRAIL

The key is nutritional balance.

20160128_100525

AND THEY HAVE WAYS OF MAKING IT TALK?

A vulture that flew into Lebanon from an Israeli nature reserve has been captured on suspicion of spying, according to local media reports.

(Thanks to Ralph, Al and John)

WE ARE CERTAIN THIS HAS BEEN BLOGGED ALREADY

So we are definitely not blogging it.

(Thanks to Al B.)

January 27, 2016

IOWA UPDATE

Here you go.

TRAVEL ADVISORY

For the next few days I will be in Iowa, because it is a Winter Wonderland. I'll be writing columns from there but blogging from me will be sporadic. Maybe judi will post some stuff, despite being fired.

HOUSTON, WE HAVE A SORE

Feds spend $80,000 to see what effect spaceflight has on herpes

(Thanks to Le Petomane)

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

Drunk driver hits patrol car of Hillsborough deputy arresting another drunk driver

(Thanks to ubetcha)

HEALTH NUT

This 112-year-old woman smokes 30 cigarettes a day

(Thanks to Chris Elzi)

YET ANOTHER REASON -- AS IF WE NEEDED ONE -- TO BAN LIGHT BEER

An aerial Bud Light banner fell on a resident's Union County home Sunday after it was disconnected from a helicopter. Monday, the Federal Aviation Administration said they were investigating the incident.

(Thanks to nursecindy)

YOU GOT TO KNOW WHEN TO FOLD 'EM

Puerto Rican man's corpse embalmed to allow poker fanatic to play one final hand with loved ones

(Thanks to Patty Villanova and Jeff Meyerson)

NOT WEIRD AT ALL!

Man Who Wanted to Look Like a PLATYPUS Finally Got His Wish

(Thanks to Jeff Schneider)

CSI: FLORIDAAAAAAAAAAAAA

Disgruntled Burger King worker steals all the chicken nuggets on last day

(Thanks to Ralph)

R.I.P.

We lost Detective Fish.

(Thanks to Jon Harris and Jeff Meyerson)

DIG HIM UP AND HANG HIM

11th Duke of Bedford blamed for unstoppable grey squirrel invasion

(Thanks to Jerzy Gembura)

January 26, 2016

NAME THAT STATE

Woman with no pants leads to driver's arrest

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson)

OOPS

U.K. government misspells 'language' while announcing English tests for migrants

(Thanks to The Perts)

RESCUE OF THE WEEK SO FAR

Newquay air and sea search turns up inflatable doll

(Thanks to Loren Blinde)

ALSO, STAY OFF HER LAWN

NJ woman shoots man who was using her shovel to clear elderly neighbor’s driveway

"...striking him in the buttocks..."

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson)

DUI

Santa Claus arrested in N. Idaho

(Thanks to Craig Roberts)

WE SAW KNIFE-WIELDING CRAB OPEN FOR THE ANIMALS

A crab grabbed a knife and fought its way out of a restaurant in Brazil.

(Thanks to Jim Kenaston)

NO MEANS NO

Florida man kisses bird-of-prey, loses part of lip

(Thanks to ubetcha)

SO MUCH FOR SHRINKAGE

Bizarre footage shows driver travelling along busy road with 'huge snow penis' on car

(Thanks to Ralph and Emily, Leslie and w)

January 25, 2016

FOR MEMBERS ONLY:

Formal wear.

(Thanks to Suzie Q Wacvet)

SEND IT TO WASHINGTON

Terrifying 7.5 centimetre funnel web spider nicknamed 'big boy' found in bushland with venom dripping from its fangs

(Thanks to DaninDallas)

Related: 'Behemoth' Daddy Longlegs Discovered in Oregon

(Thanks to Bill Hudgins)

CSI: LITITZ PIKE

"He then entered her place of employment causing a disturbance by walking over to the victim's desk and emptying a container of mashed potatoes onto her desk."

(Thanks to Al Barkafski)

GUESS WHERE THEY DID THEIR RESEARCH

Oxford University researchers claim having a local pub makes you happier

(Thanks to W. von Papineau)

WHY THE HELL NOT?

Scientists have grown a LIVING human ear on the back of a rat

(Thanks to Le Petomane and Dave D.)

IT'S ORGANIC

Kevin Abosch sells photograph of potato for $1.5 million

(Thanks to John Gregg and Le Petomane)

WHAT COULD POSSIBLY GO WRONG?

New development out of Asia: Cats are being used as hair styling tools

(Thanks to W. von Papineau)

MEANWHILE IN WOMEN'S ROWING

Coxless Crew reach Australia

(Thanks to Allen at Division, who stresses that we are not going for a cheap laugh here)

FIRST TIME WE'VE HEARD THAT TERM USED TO DESCRIBE IT

Ohio man accidentally shot himself in Chick-fil-A while pulling up his pants

(Thanks to Janice Gelb and Bill Hudgins)

DO NOT MESS WITH THEM

This woman ‘beat up her husband with nunchucks because he refused her sex’

She also "hurled ceramic figurines."

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson and Allen at Division)

HERE'S HOPING THE IRS IS ALSO MISSING

Washington's official snowfall of 17.8 inches is way off because weather observers LOST their measuring device during the blizzard

(Thanks to Patty Villanova)

THERE IS NOTHING LEFT TO BELIEVE IN

A "public masturbation booth" in NYC was a publicity stunt for a sex toy company.

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson)

January 24, 2016

SPORTS UPDATE

If you're a male, you don't want to read the sports update.

(Thanks to oneblankspace)

THEY WON'T GET FAR WITHOUT CRACKERS

Wisconsin thieves steal semi-trailer holding $70,000 of cheese

(Thanks to Gary Schroeder)

HOW MUCH DID IT SNOW? IT SNOWED SO MUCH THAT....

A yeti was spotted on Vanderbilt Avenue in Prospect Heights during Saturday's blizzard by an eagle-eyed Brooklyn resident.

(Thanks to Madeleine)

 
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