Dave Barry's Blog

DYLAN MAXWELL BARRY AND LUCY

Tongues out.

ALWAYS KEEP SOME HANDY, II

Arctic Reindeer Poo Acts as Flame Retardant

(Thanks to Chuck Cody)

CANADA: LAND OF MYSTERY

Canadian conservation officials and federal police were on the lookout Friday for a cheetah wearing a bright orange scarf and wandering through the snow-covered outback.

(Thanks to K Sherlock)

THE NEWS FROM ABROAD

...it is indeed a verifiable fact that a woman was delivered of a live turtle and a padlock in the presence of thousands of worshippers during a church service in a Lagos church.

(Thanks to Chuck Cody)

FOOD SECURITY EXPERT OF THE WEEK SO FAR

Unfortunately, our strict policy prohibits us from presenting the Food Security Expert of the Week So Far.

(Thanks to Unholy Slacker)

THE FRONTIERS OF MEDICINE

New “health care” app will measure woman’s cup size if she puts a smartphone between her breasts

(Thanks to Ralph)

'I LOVE A GOOD BEVERAGE'

The latest booze craze in Australia shows men drinking beer out of fishes

(Thanks to Ralph)

THE FLAW IS, THE CARS -- GET THIS -- OBEY THE LAW

Humans are slamming into driverless cars, exposing key flaw

(Thanks to Fabian Marson)

HE WAS A NUT

Medical record shows Hitler only had one testicle

(Thanks to Kevin Smith and Harry Nom de Plume)

OFF WE GO INTO THE WILD BLUE YONDER, DUDE

Air Force recalls lip balm found to contain THC

(Thanks to Kevin Smith)

IT'S COMPLICATED

Saudi man's family calls for divorce after wife kisses camel

(Thanks to Harry Nom de Plume)

ALWAYS KEEP SOME HANDY

Tennessee animal control lures loose pig using donuts

(Thanks to Kevin Smith)

REST ASSURED IT HAS A VALID FLORIDA DRIVER'S LICENSE

If You Find One Of These Bizarre Egg Sacks In Your Back Yard, Try Not To Panic.

(Thanks to Janice Gelb)

WHY IS THAT CAR SWERVING?

Driving instructors 'may offer lessons in return for sex', Netherlands government confirms

(Thanks to funny man and DaninDallas)

THE WILD WILD MIDWEST

Wisconsin beaver stops traffic

(Thanks to funny man)

SOON WE WILL HAVE NO FUNDAMENTAL HUMAN RIGHTS LEFT

'Catastrophically drunk' Coleraine man couldn't get taxi because he had horse with him, court told

(Thanks to Chuck Cody)

LET FREEDOM RING

Judge rules New Year's Possum Drop can use live opossum

(Thanks to funny man)

WAKE UP, DUDE

Stoner Sloth.

(Thanks to funny man)

BECAUSE YOU NEED TO KNOW

Here’s what happens when a flamethrower does battle with a firehose

(Thanks to Mark Buckley)

WE ASSUME THE GATOR WILL BE RELEASED AFTER PRODUCING A VALID FLORIDA LICENSE

Man arrested, alligator in custody after SWAT standoff in Cleveland

(Thanks to Stever)

JUST LIE DOWN ON THIS COUCH AND.... OW!

Bloodthirsty 'Thugs Bunny' who attacks humans and sent one woman to hospital to see psychologist

(Thanks to Chuck Cody)

FLORIDA GUYS IN ACTION

Man at bar strips to underwear to swim across Jupiter Inlet on $50 bet

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson)

IF YOU CAN MAKE IT THERE, DON'T TAKE MASS TRANSIT

Large snake takes weekend ride on MTA bus in Brooklyn

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson)

WE SAW THEM OPEN FOR THE CLASH

Fugitive monkey goes on the run because he was being bullied

(Thanks to coscolo, Al Barkafski, Dan Barr and A. Wheeler)

THE TAX CODE HAS THE SAME EFFECT ON US

An “agitated” Internal Revenue Service employee was wearing a tin foil hat last week when Massachusetts cops confronted him for illegally possessing several firearms, according to a police report.

(Thanks to coscolo. Madeleine, Rob Simbeck and Al Barkafski)

HO HO HOOOOOO

Chocolate surprise inside dollar-store Santa

(Thanks to Mr. Tom Shroder)

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

Fla. Judge Who Threatened To Fight, Throw Rock At Lawyer Removed From Bench

(Thanks to Gary Schroeder)

SLEDDING UNDER THE INFLUENCE

Brewery celebrating Christmas by delivering beer in a reindeer-led sleigh

(Thanks to Garry Schroeder and Harry Nom de Plume, who says "Yes, Virginia, there is a Santa Claus)

MEANWHILE ABROAD

Bongbong urges PNoy to approve P2,000 hike in SSS pension

(Thanks to Monique)

ADVISORY FOR MEN:

Do not click here.

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson)

HABITS OF HIGHLY EFFECTIVE PEOPLE

Two probationers who were arrested Tuesday in Encinitas in a car that authorities said contained stolen packages had a “to-do list” that said “steal mail and shoplift,” a sheriff’s official said.

(Thanks to Alkali Bill)

'THE CHAIR IS WHAT SAVED ME'

Gamer Hit By Car While Playing Fallout 4 In His Home Survives

(Thanks to Harry Nom de Plume)

SANITY IS OVERRATED

Florida rated best place to live

(Thanks to John Mayson)

EMPLOYEE OF THE WEEK SO FAR

Drunk man stole his boss's car and crashed it - then stole boss's other car and crashed that as well

Our favorite part: David Morgan was arrested on suspicion of dangerous driving. "You can suspect all you want", he told police.

(Thanks to funny man)

MAY SEVERAL OUNCES OF THE FORCE BE WITH YOU

Sneak Better Refreshments Into a Star Wars Screening With a Secret Lightsaber Flask

(Thanks to DaninDallas)

PLANNING A HOLIDAY PARTY?

You need this.

(Thanks to Peter Metrinko)

THE A.T.M. IS FOR WHEN THEY'RE OUT OF TOILET PAPER

Wi-Fi, A.T.M.s and Turbo-Flush Toilets Highlight China’s New Public Restrooms

(Thanks to coscolo)

YIKES

Earthquake-Proof Beds Might Be the Scariest Part of a Natural Disaster

(Thanks to coscolo and Another Ralph, who says "I think my girlfriend might set it off.")

BETTER THAN A SNAKE IN THE TOILET

When she and her husband went to investigate, they found a raccoon lying on the bathroom sink.

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson, who notes that the raccoon was released after producing a Florida driver's license.)

THE FORCE IS STRONG WITH THIS ONE

This Phone Ad Shows You How To Turn Your Penis Into A Lightsaber

(Thanks to Ralph)

GET THAT NOBEL PRIZE READY

Netflix has created 'smart' socks that sense when you fall asleep and pause the show you're watching

(Thanks to Rick Day)

BUT HE WAS ONLY TRYING TO CHEER UP A FEMALE EMPLOYEE!

Postal worker arrested for delivering mail while naked

(Thanks to Colleen Clark)

IN THAT CASE, SIR, YOU ARE FREE TO GO

A 19-year-old Providence man charged with stealing an SUV and ramming it into a police cruiser told police “he just wanted to get out of Rhode Island.”

(Thanks to Monique)

IN THAT CASE, SIR, YOU ARE FREE TO GO

A 19-year-old Providence man charged with stealing an SUV and ramming it into a police cruiser told police “he just wanted to get out of Rhode Island.”

(Thanks to Monique)

STRIPPER NAME: 'IAN KOGNITO.' REALLY.

British man performed as stripper while claiming thousands of dollars in disability benefits

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson)

SOMEBODY'S NOT GETTING A BONUS THIS YEAR

NY jewelry store's diamonds weren't stolen, workers threw them away

(Thanks to Andrew Mendez)

CSI: BALLYMAGROARTY

Man ‘bared his buttocks and rubbed his nipples’ at police

(Thanks to Unholy Slacker)

DUH

Florida Continued To Be The Worst In 2015

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson)

WE BLAME GLOBAL CLIMATE CHANGE

Zombie Apocalypse A Possibility? Rise in Zombie-Like Infection Should Trigger An International Call of Action, An Expert Reveals

(Thanks to Allen at Division)

THAT IS ONE OLD DOG

Dog has been man's best friend for 33,000 years, DNA study finds

(Thanks to coscolo)