Dave Barry's Blog

LOOKS LIKE JESUS TO US

Lonely bear spotted walking on Mars surface

(Thanks to Stan Ruth)

A FLORIDA LICENSE IS ON THE WAY

Car ends up on roof of home following accident

(Thanks to Dan Barr)

TIME FOR HUMANITY TO STEP UP

As large animals disappear, the loss of their poop hurts the planet

(Thanks to Jeff Schneider and Al Barkafski)

Another version: Earth is in the midst of a DUNG SHORTAGE

(Thanks to Monique)

MEANWHILE ABROAD

Dancing tampons.

(Thanks to John Gregg)

IT'S THE MOST WONDERFUL TIME OF THE YEAR

Man camps out for Black Friday 33 days early

(Thanks to Madeleine, and Al Barkafski)

SPORTSDOG OF THE WEEK SO FAR

DOG NAMED TRIGGER SHOOTS OWNER DURING INDIANA WATERFOWL HUNT

(Thanks to coscolo, Fabian Marson, Jon Harris and Gary Schroeder)

TRY NOT TO GET TOO CRAZY OUT THERE

Today is National Mincemeat Day.

(Thanks to Craig Roberts)

IMPROBABLY, HE WAS CAMPAIGNING FOR DARTH VADER

Chewbacca Arrested During Ukraine Elections

(Thanks to Madeleine, Harry Non de Plume and DainDallas)

IDAHO TRAFFIC REPORT

Car crashes into cow east of Boise

This has been your Idaho Traffic Report.

(Thanks to Craig Roberts)

(Yes, the cow produced a valid Florida license.)

TREMORS WERE FELT AS FAR AWAY AS BELGIUM

Sumo wrestlers attempt to sprint.

(Thanks to Bob Brogan)

SPORTS UPDATE

FIREFIGHTERS RESCUE BARNSLEY FAN WHO FELL ASLEEP ON THE TOILET FOR SEVEN HOURS AFTER GAME

This has been your Sports Update.

(Thanks to DaninDallas)

WHICH MEANS THEY WILL ALL BE ISSUED FLORIDA DRIVERS' LICENSES

Human DNA found in hot dogs

(Thanks to Horace LaBadie and Stan Ruth)

TOTALLY JUSTIFIED

Karaoke performer attacks DJ over sound at DeBary bar

Karaoke DJ Omar Isaac said Fort and another man were singing Jay Z and Justin Timberlake's "Holy Grail" when he noticed Fort glaring at him.

You know the state.

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson)

WE SAW THEM OPEN FOR HENDRIX

Some Penguins Are Projectile Poopers

Don't miss the video. Actually, if you click on the link you can't miss the video.

(Thanks to A. Wheeler)

SEEMS LEGIT

A woman has caused a huge traffic jam after attaching herself to a bike rack on the front of a bus and claiming to be a bicycle.

(Thanks to Ralph)

IN THAT CASE, SIR, YOU ARE FREE TO GO

Astor man told deputies he is creator, owns world

(Thanks to John Mayson)

SPORTSMAN OF THE WEEK SO FAR

Underwear thief used custom-made fishing rod to steal more than 285 bras

(Thanks to Alkali Bill and Peter Metrinko)

WHAT'S THAT SMELL?

We tried beer brewed from sewage — here’s what it tasted like

(Thanks to Rick Day)

THE STREET CLEANING HIGH IMPACT TEAM

A NEW crack cleaning team will have its name changed after it was pointed out that it spells a rather unfortunate acronym.

(Thanks to Ralph)

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

A Winter Haven man is building a 24-foot lawn toilet, neighbors hate it

(Thanks to John Mayson)

WE THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME

Now, You Can Shop Online for 'Pure' Cow Dung Cakes

(Thanks to Unholy Slacker)

FORGET ABOUT THAT MORTGAGE PAYMENT

Earth is in grave danger of being hit by a catastrophic comet shower triggered by the sun, warn scientists

(Thanks to coscolo)

But maybe it will be a party comet.

(Thanks to many people)

TERRORISM UPDATE

Main Street bridge crawling with thousands of spiders

(Thanks to Ralph)

YOUR 'BONING' JOKE GOES HERE

A store display of skeletons posed in an intimate position upset many people in the Poconos.

(Thanks to Al Barkafski)

Autoplay.

NO PIGEON DARES APPROACH

A statue of Bolshevik revolutionary Vladimir Lenin in Ukraine's Odessa has been converted into a monument to Darth Vader

(Thanks to L. Raymond)

ALL WE KNOW AT THIS POINT IS THAT IT HAS A VALID DRIVER'S LICENSE

What is this strange fiery globe spotted off the coast of Florida?

(Thanks to coscolo)

LEGAL MANEUVER OF THE WEEK SO FAR

Man waves his PENIS about, moons and SPANKS his own bottom in courtroom

(Thanks to DaninDallas and funny man)

To answer your immediate question: No, he didn't spank his bottom with his penis.

WHEN YOU GOTTA GO, YOU GOTTA GO

Man's 'explosive' bowel issues lead to machete melee

(Thanks to Craig Roberts)

CREEPING FASCISM UPDATE

The Love and Sex with Robots conference due to be held in Malaysia has been cancelled by police for being "illegal".

(Thanks to coscolo and A Wheeler)

THERE IS NO GOOD REASON FOR THOSE THINGS TO BE IN CIVILIAN HANDS

Teen Faces Assault Charges for Throwing Baby Carrot at Middle School Teacher

(Thanks to Jay Brandes)

SPECIAL DELIVERY, DUDE

50 Pounds of Marijuana Shipped to Wrong New Jersey Address

(Thanks to Rick Day, funny man and Madeleine)

THANKS, BUT WE'RE FULL

This dessert from the makers of Hello Kitty actually poops as you eat it

(Thanks to Ralph, who notes [appropriately enough]: "It barfs too!")

INCREDIBLY, THIS DID NOT HAPPEN IN FLORIDA

A Conyers man has been accused of DUI and public drunkenness while operating a motorized wheelchair inside a grocery store.

(Thanks to Gary Schroeder)

NO RUSH, BAGGAGE HANDLERS

AIRPORT SHOWS PORN AT BAGGAGE CLAIM, NO ONE COMPLAINS

(Thanks to Jan in Grimsby)

IT WAS RELEASED AFTER PRODUCING A VALID PREHISTORIC FLORIDA DRIVER'S LICENSE

Pig-snouted turtle from dinosaur era discovered in Utah

(Thanks to EricY)

ALSO FOR HOLDING OTHER HUMANS' BEERS

Human hands evolved for punching, scientists say after swinging corpses around on a pendulum

(Thanks to Janice Gelb)

IT'S A BIRD! IT'S A PLANE! IT'S....

Watch These Parachuting Beavers Spread Across Idaho

(Thanks to DaninDallas, who believes they opened for Three Dog Night)

FRANCE ETC.

Giant spider spotted on M8 motorway

(Thanks to Ralph)

SHE WON'T GET FAR WITHOUT SPRINKLES

Burglary suspect found covered in cake, frosting

(Thanks to Gary Schroeder and Jon Harris)

MAYBE IT COMES WITH A GENEROUS DATA PLAN

Women allow themselves to be filmed stripping naked in the middle of a Russian nightclub to win an iPhone (and it isn't even a new model!)

(Thanks to Dave D)

NOBEL PRIZE ALERT

Inventor creates 'poo-free' loo brush and plans to revolutionise the way we all clean our toilets

(Thanks to Kevin Smith)

SO HOW DOES FRANKIE VALLI EVEN WALK?

Howler Monkeys With Deeper Voices Have Smaller Balls (And Vice Versa)

(Thanks to DaninDallas and Bill Hudgins)

IT WON'T GET FAR ON FOOT

A human leg was stolen Monday from a vehicle belonging to One Legacy, a nonprofit organ and tissue organization that works with the Los Angeles County Medical Examiner-Coroner's Office.

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson and Bill Hudgins)

CELEBRITY UPDATE

Former porn actress Robin Byrd bitten by raccoon on Fire Island

(Thanks to EricY)

THERE ARE SIDES TO ME THAT NOBODY KNOWS

Including me.

A TIME FOR ACTION

It may sound crazy, but there's a global sperm shortage right now.

(Thanks to Bill Hudgins)

IT LOOKS EVERY BIT AS ATTRACTIVE AS IT SOUNDS

Designer has male and female models strip down on the catwalk to show off underwear featuring bizarre genitalia designs

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson)

PROBABLY SHE COULDN'T AFFORD A TRIP TO THE CENTRAL PENNSYLVANIA GLUTEN-FREE EXPO

A mom from Arkansas put together a CVS-themed party for her daughter’s birthday

(Thanks to Janice Gelb)

FRANCE ON HIGH ALERT

China's first lady Peng Liyuan suffers embarrassing make-up fail at lavish Lord Mayor's banquet

(Thanks to Kevin Smith)

WE KNEW THIS

Scientists Acquire More Proof That Only Beavers Can Save the World

(Thanks to Monique, Allen at Division and Chuck Cody)