Dave Barry's Blog

HALLOWEEN DISPLAY OF THE NIGHT SO FAR

Har.

MAYBE SHE WAS WAITING FOR KETCHUP

This woman sat NAKED on a roof for four hours - and this is why

(Thanks to Al Barkafski)

THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULD NOT REFRIGERATE KETCHUP

Florida woman stripped, poured ketchup on herself at diner

(Thanks to A. Wheeler and Bill)

GET THAT NOBEL PRIZE READY

Frenchman develops 'cure' for builder's bum

(Thanks to Ralph)

MEANWHILE IN SPORTS

An orca punted a seal 80 feet in the air

(Thanks to wiredog)

CANADA: LAND OF INEQUALITY

An investigation published this week by a student newspaper at Ryerson University showed the floors housing the president's office and other administrative departments got two-ply toilet paper, while students received one-ply.

(Thanks to The Perts)

WHY YOU SHOULD NEVER ENTER A BATHROOM WITHOUT, AT MINIMUM, A MACHETE

A FAMILY were left stunned when they discovered a large green python living in their bathroom cupboard.

(Thanks to DaninDallas)

BOO

Dead comet with skull face to hurtle by Earth on Halloween

(Thanks to Al Barkafski)

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

Uber Driver Swapped Ride For Oral Sex Inside His Vehicle

(Thanks to Dave D)

I SAID *QUILTED*, DAMMIT

Man Assaulted Girlfriend Because She Bought The Wrong Kind Of Toilet Paper

(Thanks to Dave D)

DUH

Cats ARE neurotic - and they're probably also trying to work out how to kill you, say researchers

(Thanks to Ranald Adams and Al Barkafski)

R.I.P. JACK SNIPES

A.k.a. Big Dick, of Big Dick and the Extenders.

Here's a column I wrote years ago, which mentions the band.

THERE IS NO GOOD REASON FOR THOSE THINGS TO BE IN CIVILIAN HANDS

Girl arrested after assaulting pregnant teen with a sausage in violent attack

(Thanks to Ralph)

SAMUEL JACKSON, CALL YOUR AGENT

Snake in cranberry sauce being investigated

(Thanks to Ralph)

SEARCHING FOR A BACKPACK WITH A UNIQUE 'LOOK?'

Your search is over.

Advisory: Ew.

(Thanks to Rick Day)

IT'S THE MOST WONDERFUL TIME OF THE YEAR

Penis-shaped Christmas light erected outside tanning salon becomes Twitter sensation

(Thanks to Kevin Smith)

CALIFORNIA OCEAN SWIMMERS:

Out of the water NOW.

(Thanks to Allen at Division)

IT WAS RELEASED AFTER PRODUCING A VALID FLORIDA DRIVER'S LICENSE

Giant Runaway Inflatable Pumpkin Terrorizes Arizona Drivers

(Thanks to Al Barkafski and Kevin Smith)

GOOD THING HE DIDN'T ADOPT ANGRY OWLS

Man adopts two displaced parakeets, now has 4,000 of them

(Thanks to Madeleine)

TERRORISM UPDATE

Angry owl dive bombs pedestrians at Seattle park

(Thanks to Craig Roberts)

CLEARLY THEY DON'T LIKE BEING DRESSED UP

In the past five years, at least six Americans have been shot by dogs

(Thanks to The Perts)

YOU KNOW THEY'RE REALLY SQUIRRELS

Standoff in Boulder, Colo.: Prairie dogs hold Buddhist college at bay

(Thanks to Bandarr)

WE HARDLY KNEW YE

Famous Skateboarding Dog Tillman Dies at Age 10 in California

Autoplay.

(Thanks to MOTW)

THESE WERE NOT REAL SPIDERS

Bennett says it's his understanding that White didn't point the gun at anyone or wave it around but did threaten to shoot all of the spiders.

(Thanks to funny man)

GUYS IN ACTION

You probably don't want to know.

Advisory: Really, you probably don't.

(Thanks to John Mayson and Unholy Slacker)

MOST INCOMPREHENSIBLE YET SCARY HEADLINE OF THE WEEK SO FAR

Dick vet in Edinburgh in dog blood donor session first

(Thanks to funny man)

MEANWHILE DOWN UNDER

Now an Aussie school mum has taken the internet by storm with a Facebook picture of her new dress which she never realised was covered in vaginas.

(Thanks to funny man)

COUNCILPERSON SIDIOUS

Star Wars villain Emperor Palpatine is voted onto Ukrainian city council

(Thanks to John Gregg)

HE CALLS HIMSELF 'THE DRONE SLAYER'

Bullitt County Judge Rebecca Ward on Monday dismissed the case against William H. Merideth, who admitted to shooting down a drone he said was hovering over his home last July.

Yes, Bullitt County.

(Thanks to coscolo)

OOPS

A chain store in central Russia has withdrawn toy hedgehogs from sale after consumers complained about pink “holes” on the stuffed animals' bellies — apertures that were designed to represent bellybuttons, but which critics said looked like female genitalia.

(Thanks to Ralph)

AND YOU LAUGHED AT SHARKNADO

Alabama woman finds shark carcass in front yard

(Thanks to Kevin Smith)

THIS IS WHY THEY SHOULD WEAR HELMETS

Man goes directly to jail for brawl at Missouri Monopoly tournament

(Thanks to Kevin Smith and Gary Schroeder)

TERRORISM UPDATE

Middle school placed on lockdown after man demands to sing Justin Bieber songs over intercom

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson, Ralph, and Fabian Marson)

EDUCATOR OF THE WEEK SO FAR

Chapin High Language Arts teacher Kim Juzdowski drew a penis across the student's assignment because he wasn't doing anything in class -- if you get the metaphor.

(Thanks to Rob Simbeck)

'BUTTS ARE IN'

Butt Augmentation, Labiaplasty on the Rise, Plastic Surgeons Say

Autoplay.

(Thanks to Jon Harris)

BOLO

WANTED: Massive $2.7B Surveillance Blimp Adrift Over Pennsylvania

(Thanks to Jay Brandes, Janice Gelb and Dave Emery)

UPDATE: The blimp has been captured.

WE SAW THEM OPEN FOR THE TROGGS

Resurrecting a Set of Hundred-Year-Old Embryonic Genitals

(Thanks to Sean in Akron)

WHAT COULD POSSIBLY GO WRONG?

China's poorest men should be made to share wives because a shortage of women means there are not enough to go around, says top economist

(Thanks to funny man)

WHEN PEOPLE SAY THERE'S NOTHING TO SEE IN MINNESOTA

...this blog has to laugh.

(Thanks to Jon Harris)

'GRACES' IS NOT THE VERB WE WOULD CHOOSE

Giant penis graces parade in Japan

Advisory: Giant penis.

(Thanks to Jay Brandes)

WE BET THEY DO

Oxford Researchers Study Divorce Patterns in Great Tits

(Thanks to Ralph)

LAND OF PASSION

Canadian scientist thrills the web by live-tweeting spider sex

(Thanks to The Perts)

EVERYBODY INDOORS *NOW*

Massive piece of space debris dubbed WTF on collision course with Earth

(Thanks to Jay Brandes)

A MAN CAN TAKE ONLY SO MUCH

Georgia Man, 39, Arrested Following Sausage Biscuit Rage Incident At Waffle House

(Thanks to Al Barkafski)

Related: Woman charged with McChicken assault

(Thanks to Tom Iwinski)

CSI: RUSSIA

Police catch speeding hearse full of caviar

(Thanks to Craig Roberts)

RIGHT

Former boxer claims he was drugged for gay porn romp

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson)

INCREDIBLY, THIS DID NOT HAPPEN IN FLORIDA

The arresting officers, the report notes, were approached by multiple witnesses who said that Keneston had “jumped onto a Scooby Doo van that was in the middle of the park” and “proceeded to pull down his pants and expose his rear end.”

(Thanks to Allen at Division, who says: "If not for those meddling kids, he'd have gotten away with it.")

THIS BLOG IS DEFINITELY GOING TO HELL

Russian Orthodox Official Warns Eating Potato Chips Is 'Sinful'

(Thanks to Allen at Division)

HOLY FELONY!

Man Dressed As Batman Accused Of Committing Crime Spree In O.C.

(Thanks to Allen at Division)

BECAUSE THE SUBWAY RAT TOOK THE PIZZA SLICE

Why Is This Pigeon Wearing A Bagel?

(Thanks to Ralph)