Dave Barry's Blog

FINALLY, THE SO-CALLED 'MAINSTREAM MEDIA' WAKE UP

Squirrels: America's tiny menace

(Thanks to Ranald Adams)

BOTH SHE AND THE SPIDER WILL BE ISSUED FLORIDA DRIVERS' LICENSES

Woman crashes car after spotting spider

(Thanks to Dan Barr, Ken Fineberg and Howard from Broward)

WE CAN'T BELIEVE IT'S STILL LEGAL TO SELL THAT STUFF

Elderly man reportedly punched at Costco by excessive Nutella-sampling shopper

We saw Excessive Nutella-Sampling Shopper open for the Troggs.

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson)

NOOOOOOOOO

OOOOOOOOO

(Thanks to B'game, who says "I suggest that we pass the hat to buy one for Judi")

SAYS AN OFFICIAL SITTING IN AN OFFICE SOMEWHERE

Upswing in grizzly attacks, black bear encounters not a reason to panic

(Thanks to The Perts)

HUH

You can rent a chicken coop.

And a chicken.

But remember this.

(Thanks to Al Barkafski)

THIS IS TOTALLY LEGAL IN FLORIDA

Man who led police on high-speed chase admits he learned to drive on his Playstation

(Thanks to Ralph)

BE SURE TO WAIT UNTIL THE BEAR IS DONE

Hikers in Norway have been asked to collect bear droppings while out and about, and hand them over for DNA analysis

(Thanks to Ralph)

WE SMELL A LAWSUIT

Earth Blamed for Cracks in Moon

(Thanks to Dan Barr)

YET ANOTHER ARGUMENT AGAINST HAVING SEX WITH BATS

We Really Have No Idea Why Some Male Bats Have Spiny Penises

(Thanks to DaninDallas)

WE WONDERED WHAT THEY WERE DOING THIS DAYS

Chea & Chhong busted over B’bang pot farms

(Thanks to Ralph)

GOOD NEWS FOR VERY SMALL INDIVIDUALS

Invisibility Invisibility Cloak Functional at the Nanoscale

(Thanks to The Perts)

THE NEWS FROM ABROAD

David Cameron put 'private part' in dead pig's mouth, shock biography claims

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In another example of the remarkable versatility of the GoPro, a Florida man yesterday was wearing the small camera when his estranged wife snuck up from behind and struck him in the testicles

(Thanks to Gary Schroeder)

FYI

The lies we tell are more convincing when we need to pee

(Thanks to Gary Schroeder)

WE THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME

Cinnamon Toast Crunch has introduced a “selfie spoon,” a selfie stick with a spoon at the end that extends up to 30 inches so cereal eaters can take photos of themselves while eating cereal.

(Thanks to Rick Day)

BECAUSE WE DON'T HAVE ENOUGH ALREADY

Scientists claim they have grown human sperm in the lab

(Thanks to Rob Simbeck)

THEY SHOULD CHECK THE DMV

Florida Officials Call Off Active Search for King Cobra in Orlando

(Thanks to Al Barkafski)

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Florida man pulls gun on landscapers over grass clippings

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson and Ralph)

WE MIGHT AS WELL JUST SHRED THE DAMN CONSTITUTION

Drunk Louisiana cowboy is given a ticket after riding his horse Sugar home from a daiquiri bar

(Thanks to Jeffrey Brown and Deb Drucker)

PAGING CHARLES DARWIN

People Nurse A Bird Back To Health, Release It, Bird Instantly Smacks Into A Window

(Thanks to maryann)

SEND THEM TO... WAIT, NEVER MIND

Hundreds of Bunnies Plague Langley, Washington

(Thanks to Kevin Smith)

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

Man caught with pants down after burglarizing, defecating in bar

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson)

TODAY BE THE DAY

It's International Talk Like a Pirate Day, a day when we celebrate our imaginary pirate ancestry by working pirate lingo into our conversations, as in these examples:

"I'll have a pumpkin spice latte, me hearties."

"We're out of copier paper, me hearties."

"Pi is the ratio of circumference to diameter, me hearties."

Here's the column I wrote about TLAPD back in 2002 when it was relatively unknown.

Note that today if you talk or dress like a pirate, you can get free donuts from Krispy Kreme and free fish tenders from Long John Silver's. And if you walk into a bank armed like a pirate, you can get arrested, so we do not recommend that. But otherwise we urge you to get out there today and swash the hell out of your buckles, me hearties. 

HAR

Nutella should not let Australians personalise their own jars

(Thanks to funny man)

BOLO

An armed robber who held up a shop while wearing a pair of boxer shorts on his head is being hunted by police.

(Thanks to DaninDallas)

APOCALYPSE UPDATE

Captive snake in U.S. has rare 'virgin birth'

(Thanks to The Perts)

THE NEWS FROM CANADA

Chicken crosses road, does not make it to other side

This has been The News From Canada.

(Thanks to The Perts)

ON THE UPSIDE, THEY'RE GETTING FEWER COLDS

More Children Getting Drunk on Hand Sanitizer

(Thanks to ~veee)

AW

Dog stands guard for week on Vashon Island, until trapped friend rescued

(Thanks to B'game)

WHY MOST COMPANIES INSIST THAT TERMINATED EMPLOYEES TURN IN THEIR CHAINSAWS

Dissolved German SWAT unit wrecks office with chainsaw

(Thanks to Jon Harris)

AVAST, ME HEARTIES

Tomorrow be the day.

THAT'S ONE MORE JOB STOLEN FROM HUMANS

A robot said ‘f**k you’ to BBC Breakfast’s Charlie Stayt and Louise Minchin live on air

(Thanks to Will Dooley)

WE QUESTION THE SAUCE

AN ITALIAN tourist shouted at a door steward at "I am going to have your testicles with spaghetti and white wine sauce" when he was ejected from a pub.

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson)

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Cops arrest woman at home filled with 3,500 knives, swords

(Thanks to Steve K. and Jeff Meyerson)

THEY MUST KNOW SOMETHING

This man's bank keeps telling him he's dead

(Thanks to Madeleine)

DEBATE HIGHLIGHTS (NO, NOT THAT DEBATE)

Brawl breaks out in Japanese Parliament during debate over pacifism

(Thanks to Madeleine)

WE SAW THEM OPEN FOR BON JOVI

Multitasking Fish Pee Out of Their Intestines

(Thanks to A. Wheeler, who says "I couldn't stomach reading long enough to find out how/where they handled reproductive activities.")

CANADIAN SPORTS HIGHLIGHTS

Carpet bowling a dying sport in the Eastern Townships

Kyle Secours, 7, wins Hudson ragweed contest with 140 kg haul

These have been your Canadian Sports Highlights. 

(Thanks to The Perts)

WE'VE CERAINLY DONE OUR PART

Have humans made dogs STUPID?

(Thanks to maryann)

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Woman, 27, Arrested For Pooper Scooper Attack On Her Live-In Boyfriend

(Thanks to Ralph)

IN THAT CASE, MA'AM, YOU ARE FREE TO GO

Woman Arrested For Drunk Driving Against Traffic Outside Holland Tunnel "Didn't Want To Go To NJ"

(Thanks to Madeleine)

HOLD OFF ON THAT MORTGAGE PAYMENT

Expert says meteor could wipe out Earth next week despite Nasa's claim we're safe

(Thanks to The Perts)

CANADIAN CLERGYPERSON OF THE WEEK SO FAR

Unfortunately, our strict policy prohibits us from presenting the Canadian Clergyperson of the Week So Far.

(Thanks to Ralph)

SPORTSMANSHIP

Indians Mistakenly Set Off Fireworks for Home Run Hit by Royals' Alex Rios

(Thanks to Jon Harris)

IT WAS RELEASED AFTER PRODUCING A VALID POSTHUMOUS FLORIDA DRIVER'S LICENSE

Snake causes power outage in Clay County

(Thanks to Chris Johnson)

SHE IS NOT IMPRESSED

This Cricket Courts His Mate During Sex by Tapping Her With Tiny Penis Drumsticks

(Thanks to RussellMc and DaninDallas)

DON'T YOU HATE IT WHEN THAT HAPPENS?

I got stuck hanging naked from a tree

(Thanks to Jon Harris)

TOTALLY WORTH IT

Man tries to sell kidney for iPhone 6s

(Thanks to Allen at Division)

'AUTO-BREWERY SYNDROME'

Man gets drunk from eating POTATOES - and his loved ones thought he was secret alcoholic

(Thanks to Kevin Smith)