Dave Barry's Blog

CSI: WISCONSIN

A Wisconsin man admitted to having sex with a donkey at his workplace because his “privates were out of control,” according to a criminal complaint obtained by the Daily News.

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson)

TEXAS

High school cheerleader dance-off turns nasty as brawl erupts between rivals

(Thanks to Ron G.)

THIS JUST IN

THIS SLUG HAS SUCH A BIG PENIS IT HAS TO MATE UPSIDE DOWN

(Thanks to Gary Schroeder)

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Man with waaaay more than one sausage in pants busted in Fort Pierce

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson, who says "He doesn't look happy to see us.")

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A man arrested last night for stealing a spoon from a Walmart told Florida cops that he swiped the utensil because he “needed one to eat his Captain Crunch with.”

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson, who says "In that case, sir, you are free to go with this complementary bottle of milk.")

IT WAS ASKING FOR IT

A convicted felon who accidentally shot himself in the penis was arrested after police say he lied about how the shooting happened.

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson)

UPDATE

Mea culpas from Mercer Island School District: The game of tag is ‘reinstated’

(Thanks to Craig Roberts)

OF COURSE

A bronze Dennis the Menace statue stolen in 2006 from a park in Monterey has turned up in Florida

(Thanks to Gary Schroeder)

THAT WILL SHOW THEM

Man set his car ablaze to keep it from being towed

(Thanks to Ron G.)

THOSE TERRORIST BASTARDS

Escaped Tarantula Grounds Flight From Baltimore To Atlanta

(Thanks to Madeleine, Another Ralph and Rick Day)

EDUCATION UPDATE

School district bans game of tag to ‘ensure physical, emotional safety of students’

(Thanks to wiredog, Will Dooley, coscolo and West Coast Rod)

Girl suspended from school for wearing wrong shade of green

(Thanks to Jon Harris)

IN CASE YOU THOUGHT WE WERE KIDDING ABOUT THE APOCALYPSE

Bloodsucking Fish Rain From the Sky in Alaska

(Thanks to humeri)

AT THIS POINT ALL WE KNOW FOR CERTAIN IS THAT IT HAS A FLORIDA DRIVER'S LICENSE

Mississippi couple find 'strange animal' in toilet bowl

(Thanks to Ralph)

THIS MIGHT BE THE GREATEST THING THAT EVER HAPPENED

Police in Swindon have apologised for disturbing members of the public with their sirens to settle a debate started a by a five-year-old’s query on whether they go “nee-naw” or “woo-woo”.

(Thanks to Ralph)

PROBLEM SOLVED

(Thanks to Mike Ester)

OFFSET, UNFORTUNATELY, BY THE INCREASE IN WASHINGTON

Great Lakes see decrease in number of blood sucking sea lampreys

(Thanks to The Perts)

WE SAY GIVE HIM THE CHAIR

The Supreme Court has refused to hear the case of Lawrence Klepper, squirrel feeder.

(Thanks to Ralph)

INCREDIBLY, HE HAD BEEN DRINKING

Oklahoma man discovers he was shot twice after celebrating birthday

Gary Schroeder)

YOUR FOREPARENTS FOUGHT FOR YOUR RIGHT

...to vote for America's Best Restroom.

(Thanks to MOTW)

BOLO, BITCH

Police searching for bank robber disguised as Rick James

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson and Gary Schroeder)

'THERE ARE A NUMBER OF THINGS TO DO IN OKOTOKS'

The saddest tourism motto ever

(Thanks to Roberto)

ASK FOR THE LOW-FAT LUBE

(Thanks to Virtual User)

APOCALYPSE UPDATE

“I’m 62 years old, but this is the first time in my life I’ve seen a chicken in human underwear,” said gogo Pinky Mlangeni.

There is some kind of chicken thing going on:

Fight over chicken breaks out in deli aisle at Publix in Tampa

(Thanks to Chris Johnson)

THE WILD WILD MIDWEST

Police chase with combine ends in gunfire

(Thanks to Jon Harris)

SEARCH THE OTHER SIDE OF THE ROAD

Would-be robber makes 'chicken noises' before fleeing, Concord police say

(Thanks to Ralph)

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Man tries to sell meth at Walmart

(Thanks to Chris Johnson)

AT LEAST HE DOESN'T WANT TO RUN FOR PRESIDENT

If David Ortiz wasn’t swinging a big stick at Fenway Park, the Red Sox slugger says he’d be a porn star.

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson)

'I'VE GOT A LOT OF RESEARCH TO DO'

Kanye West Says He Is 'Definitely' Thinking About Running For President

(Thanks to Alkali Bill)

SEND HER TO WASHINGTON

Nearly naked 'grumpy old woman' glues bum to Croydon department store in bizarre protest

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson)

WHAT THE WORLD HAS BEEN WAITING FOR

Bay City Rollers announce reunion

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson)

TRY THIS IN MIAMI

Woman sends robot to queue for iPhone 6s so she doesn't have to

(Thanks to Madeleine)

CRIME CRACKDOWN IN CHINA

MTR staff 'follow, interrogate and threaten' Baptist University student with hefty fine for carrying his cello on a train

(Thanks to Not My Usual Alias, who notes that "cello is a gateway instrument.")

CSI: EPHRATA

Police: Woman disrupted pig chase at Ephrata Fair

(Thanks to Al Barkafski)

NAME THAT STATE

A man who tried to shoot seven puppies was shot himself when one of the dogs put its paw on the revolver’s trigger.

(Thanks to Janice Gelb)

DINING OUT IN SANDUSKY

Taco Bell employee in Sandusky fired after photo with hands down his pants surfaces

(Thanks to Allen at Division)

EVER GET HEADACHES? EVER EAT A MEAL IN MEXICO?

Don't click on this.

Autoplay.

(Thanks to Allen at Division)

IN THAT CASE, MA'AM, YOU ARE FREE TO GO

Pensioner caught drink-driving claims she finished off bottle of wine because RECYCLING collection was due

(Thanks to DaninDallas)

GUYS IN ACTION, BOSTON EDITION

A Massachusetts man reacts to seeing a large fish.

ADVISORY: Many bad words. MANY.

Boston Globe story here.

(Thanks to Ralph)

WHAT WE HAD ON OUR DORM WALL WAS BEER STAINS

Harvard University students are being offered the chance to rent valuable original prints of masterpieces by the likes of Pablo Picasso, Henri Matisse and Andy Warhol.

(Thanks to Nelson from Michigan)

SUAVE

A SNEAKY bloke has been given the boot by his girlfriend after stealing other women's underwear from washing lines to give to her as a sexy present.

(Thanks to Ron G.)

MANAGER OF THE WEEK SO FAR

Unfortunately, our strict policy prohibits us from presenting the Manager of the Week So Far.

(Thanks to Jim Kenaston)

GET THAT NOBEL PRIZE READY

Research shows that men are most attracted to women in their early 20s - no matter how old they get

(Thanks to John Gregg)

WE SAW THEM OPEN FOR CHAD AND JEREMY

Human-Poop Dumpers Menace Brooklyn Block

(Thanks to Madeleine)

TALK LIKE A PIRATE DAY CONTROVERSY ERUPTS INVOLVING PEOPLE WE NEVER HEARD OF BUT APPARENTLY THEY ARE CELEBRITIES SO WE SAY GIVE THEM THE CHAIR

Duggars hammered for ‘plundering’ free Krispy Kreme donut give-away

(Thanks to funny man)

CHECK OUT THESE TOP STORIES

Wannabe TV reporter becomes a huge hit in Albania after wearing an open blouse for her screen test... and immediately gets the job

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson)

SOMEBODY CONTACT CHLOE ON THE PDA

Kiefer Sutherland ‘kind of comforting’ he might get to play Jack Bauer one more time

(Thanks to Joe Corey)

AS WELL AS A FLORIDA DRIVER'S LICENSE

Monkey who took grinning 'selfie' should own copyright: U.S. lawsuit

(Thanks to Jon Harris and Gary Schroeder)

NEVER TAKE A SELFIE WITH A SHARK

Selfie-related deaths outnumber shark attack deaths in 2015

(Thanks to Jon Harris, coscolo and Al Barkafski)

WHAT'S THAT SMELL?

YOUR BODY IS SURROUNDED BY CLOUDS OF SKIN AND FART BACTERIA

(Thanks to Jay Brandes)

THEN THEY ALL GOT INTO ONE TINY CAR AND DROVE OFF

Naked clown activists issue apology to Palestinians after protesting at wall separating Israel with West Bank