Dave Barry's Blog

WHO SAYS ROMANCE IS DEAD?

Man Arrested For Masturbating In Chip Aisle Of Uniontown Sheetz Store

(Thanks to Al Barkafski, who says "This guy really loves chips!) 

SUNSHINE STATE MEDICAL PRACTITIONER OF THE WEEK SO FAR

A Florida woman on the lam from charges she ruined a man's penis by injecting it with fillers has been arrested, police said.

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson)

Related: Man Given Eight-Inch Bionic Penis After Losing Use Of Genitals In An Accident

(Thanks to many people)

THIS WILL NOT END WELL

Amazon launching one-hour booze delivery in Seattle

(Thanks to Jeff in Pittsburgh)

AT LEAST HE DIDN'T DRINK HIS OWN URINE

This Polish Hammer Thrower Won A Gold Medal, Then Got So Drunk He Used It To Pay For A Cab

(Thanks to Ron G.)

WE THINK OF IT AS MORE OF A PENINSULA

Bute renamed ‘Penis Island’ in Gaelic sign blunder

(Thanks to Ranald Adams)

EVER WONDER WHERE GATORADE COMES FROM?

Taking the piss: a brief history of athletes drinking their own urine

(Thanks to Bill Hudgins)

'KING' IS NOT THE TERM WE WOULD USE

Facebook spam king admits sending over 27 million messages

(Thanks to Allen at Division, who says "The death penalty might not be enough.")

THESE KIDS TODAY, II

But she apparently misspelled "whore" in key marks on her ex-friend's car, police said.

(Thanks to Monique)

THESE KIDS TODAY

Girl changes ‘no’ in her mum’s phone to ‘HELL YEAH’. Hilarity ensues

(Thanks to Alan Dean)

NAH

Meet Ladybeard, A Cross-Dressing Wrestler And Death Metal Singer From Australia

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson)

HINT: NOT THE WINGS

Which part of the plane is most covered in poo?

(Thanks to Judy B.)

SOMEBODY IS SO GROUNDED

A clumsy 12-year-old boy has accidentally punched a fist-sized hole in a 350-year-old masterpiece by Italian Baroque still-life painter Paolo Porpora when he tripped and toppled into the artwork.

(Thanks to Janice Gelb)

SOUNDS PAINFUL

Dane commits 'genitalia vandalism' in IKEA

(Thanks to Allen at Dvision)

HE'S EVERYWHERE

Missouri woman shocked as look-alike image appears in butter tub

(Thanks to pretty much everyone)

AS YOU CAN IMAGINE, THIS WORKED OUT REALLY WELL

A Woman Chugged a Bottle of Liquor Because She Couldn’t Take It on the Plane

(Thanks to Rick Day and Ralph)

HE WANTS TO DIRECT

Dozens of witnesses see the Antichrist hovering over Los Angeles

(Thanks to funny man)

FINALLY, SOME GOOD NEWS

A group of people in New Mexico say they cooked the world's longest tamale Saturday morning.

(Thanks to Harry Hardrock, who says "Residents are advised to stay upwind for the next 24 hours.")

SO FAR IT'S NOT TALKING

Police have arrested a homeless man in connection with the Sunday night stabbing of an individual with a parrot near Disneyland.

(Thanks to manual tomato)

PLEASE MAKE A NOTE OF IT

The World Championships of Mobilephone Throwing will take place on the 11th of March 2017 in Savonlinna  at the Castle Olavinlinna surrounded by the magical Lake Saimaa.

Related: Sunday 30th August 2015 sees the 30th World Bog Snorkelling Championships

(Thanks to Al Barkafski)

SPOILER ALERT: IT GETS OLDER

Norwegian company live streaming 11 months of caviar aging

(Thanks to Jon Harris)

BOLO

Man Who Spent $100K to Look Like Justin Bieber is Reportedly Missing

(Thanks to Kevin Smith)

IT IS NOW 'TOMATO SEASONING'

Heinz no longer qualifies as ketchup in Israel

(Thanks to Ralph)

CANADIAN EDUCATION UPDATE

Mermaid school expands as more people demand sea siren experience

(Thanks to The Perts)

WE THOUGHT THIS WAS ONLY IN THE MOVIES

Staffers at a jail in eastern Washington state foiled an escape attempt by spotting a long trail of knotted bed sheets hanging from the window of a cell housing a suspect in a murder-for-hire plot.

(Thanks to Al Barkafski)

IT'S A ROUGH SPORT

Two men have been arrested after allegedly threatening violence to attendees at the Pokemon World Championship in Boston.

After obtaining a search warrant for the vehicle, police found a 12-gauge shotgun, an AR-15, several hundred rounds of ammunition and a hunting knife.

(Thanks to Charles Cates and Judy B.)

D'OH!

Florida ex-con gives cops fake name that turns up arrest warrant

(Thanks to Rob Simbeck)

THE COMMUTING DEAD

Subway rider bites passenger over seat

Autoplay.

(Thanks to Chris in Illinois)

FRANCE ON HIGHEST ALERT

Millions of drunk German wasps cause chaos across Britain

(Thanks to DaninDallas)

'IT WON'T GO TO WASTE'

Record-breaking alligator pulled from Lake Eufaula weighs in at 920 pounds

(Thanks to Judy B.)

TOUGH CALL

Which kid's slide is more disturbing?

(Thanks to Rick Day)

COLORADO TRAFFIC REPORT

Pig OK after flying out of trailer on busy highway

Autoplay.

(Thanks to Nelson from Michigan)

A GRATEFUL WORLD REJOICES

Retailer announces Caitlyn Jenner Halloween costumes

(Thanks to The Perts)

OK

Guys, Stop Humping The Nicki Minaj Wax Figure

(Thanks to Ralph)

WHAT'S THAT SMELL?

Pooductive, a social network for pooping people.

(Thanks to Rick Day and Unholy Slacker)

JESUS SIGHTINGS UPDATE

Now: A cocktail cabinet.

(Thanks to Jay Brandes and Charles Cates)

FLATHEAD COUNTY POLITICAL UPDATE

11:10 a.m. A highly suspicious employee of an Evergreen motel reported that someone claiming to be from the secret service made a reservation for Barack Obama.

(Thanks to Stan Ruth)

BRILLIANT

A worker who lit a match to check if gas was coming out of a fuel line in a science classroom sparked the blast that destroyed part of a Bronx school Thursday night, officials suspect.

(Thanks to Geoff Scott and Al Barkafski)

GUYS IN ACTION

Guy makes a swan boat go 37 mph.

(Thanks to Al Barkafski)

YOU KNOW WHAT TO DO

It's GoTopless Day.

More here. And here.

(Thanks to manual tomato)

WE SAW SLIME OF THE DEVIL OPEN FOR TWISTED SISTER

Invasion of spiders leave villages in Argentina blanketed in cobwebs known as 'slime of the devil'

(Thanks to DaninDallas, Al Barkafski and Madeleine)

CLEANUP ON AISLE... NEVER MIND

Tractor-trailer filled with manure rolls over into grocery store parking lot

(Thanks to Ralph)

FLORIDA YOUTH SOCCER REPORT

NO WORRIES: IT HAS A VALID FLORIDA LICENSE

A Giant Red Ball Got Loose and Started Rolling Through Ohio City

Autoplay.

(Thanks to West Coast Rod)

STAY CLASSY, MOTOR CITY

Video appears to show Detroit cab driver defecating in public

(Thanks to Dan Barr)

...AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA...

Cops Arrest Florida Man, 40, For Sauerkraut Battery On Girlfriend

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson)

GO AHEAD AND PAY THAT CREDIT-CARD BILL

Nasa says the world is not going to end in September

(Thanks to Jay Brandes)

WHO SAYS ROMANCE IS DEAD?

Not this blog.

(Thanks to Jan in Grimsby)

FLORIDAAAAAAAAAAAAA

Woman Flashes Judge in Broward Bond Court

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson, Kevin Smith, DaninDallas and Ralph)

PROGRESS

Feds to Stop Calling Midget Raisins ‘Midget’

(Thanks to Al Barkafski)

'HE BRINGS ME FLOWERS AND MUSHROOMS'

Washington Woman Claims To Be In An Intimate Relationship With Bigfoot

(Thanks to Pat McG)