Dave Barry's Blog

FLORIDAAAAAAAAAAAAA

Winter Haven man head-butts bus, loses

(Thanks to Ron G., Fabian Marson and Ralph)

FRANCE ON HIGH ALERT

Massive swarm of grasshoppers and beetles picked up by radar, headed to Oklahoma

(Thanks to Charles Cates and Ron G.)

WE'LL TAKE YOUR WORD FOR IT

These Burgers Are Made of Flies and They Are Amazingly Nutritious

(Thanks, appropriately enough, to Ralph)

NOT TRUE! I PART MY HAIR ON THE OTHER SIDE NOW.

My son, who has been going through old family photos, just emailed this to me with the observation "The haircut literally hasn't changed in 50 years."

IT FEATURES "A UNIQUE SHOT CALLED A 'BONK'"

'Fowling' warehouse in Detroit suburb combines football, bowling

(Thanks to The Perts)

THIS WAS NOT US. BUT WE TOTALLY UNDERSTAND.

Florida man shoots teen daughter’s boyfriend after boy dares him

(Thanks to Charles Cates)

'IF YOU DON'T MIND FEELING DIRTY FOR A FEW DAYS...'

New York City tourists can book a van down by the river on Airbnb — for $22

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson)

THUS QUALIFYING TO BE AN INSTRUCTOR IN FLORIDA

A 58-year-old woman taking a driver's examination Friday morning, July 17, struck three vehicles at the Missouri State Highway Patrol Troop I's driving exam parking lot.

(Thanks to John Mayson)

GET THAT NOBEL PRIZE READY

Scientists Think They've Figured Out What Makes a Good-Looking Penis

(Thanks to Charles Cates)

MEANWHILE IN SPORTS

Mahon takes it on the chin in first ever Sheep Dung Spitting contest

(Thanks to Ralph)

ANOTHER TERM FOR THEM WOULD BE 'MUSIC LOVERS'

Thieves make off with Shoreline musician's beloved bagpipes

(Thanks to Craig Roberts)

SLOW DOWN, DUDE

Marijuana found growing in Vancouver traffic circle

(Thanks to The Perts)  

MODESTY PREVENTS US FROM SAYING THAT THIS IS TOTALLY ACCURATE

Dave, I just sent the following pack of lies to Joe O'Neill, some guy with The Expert Institute's (don't you just love the modesty of that name?) Blog Contest. E-mail me if you win the $500 first prize. Far be it from me to say that if you do, I should get a $20 cut. I would never suggest such a thing.

 

Ciao, Bella 

 

(Read on...)

 

CSI: FREMONT COUNTY

Party reports she is 'being invaded' by raccoons

(Thanks to Bryan M.)

THE NEWS FROM WEST ICELAND

Fire Breaks Out From Outdoor Pooping

This has been the West Iceland Report.

(Thanks to Unholy Slacker, who says "I've had that happen after eating Thai food.")

WE'RE HAPPY FOR THEM

Taking a bath in warm crude oil is a popular spa treatment in some parts of the world

(Thanks to West Coast Rod)

THIS IS AWESOME

Spider catches breakfast on weather cam on the air

(Thanks to Don Faber)

THEY MEAN 'STEER CLEAR' LITERALLY, AS THEY ALL HAVE DRIVERS' LICENSES

Experts warn Floridians to steer clear of armadillos to avoid leprosy exposure

(Thanks to Dave Roe)

THE NEW ZEALAND TRAFFIC REPORT

Wellington's Mt Victoria Tunnel was closed after a man did a poo on the road.

This has been The New Zealand Traffic Report.

(Thanks to Jon Harris)

MAKE IT A DOUBLE

Pottsville motorist crashes through wall of Mazlooms Bar

(Thanks to Al Barkafski)

WHAT'S THAT ON YOUR SCREEN?

Device Turns iPad Into Sperm Tester

(Thanks to Allen at Division and Madeleine)

UPDATE ON 'KING LEAR' WITH SHEEP

Here's a review.

Then, with a startling, stage-covering suddenness, they are there, decked out in little ermine-trimmed costumes and coronets and contradicting the director's version of events by turning their backs to him and flurrying away in abrupt fits of what looks like low dudgeon. “Guys? Team?” he implores, bemuses.

(Thanks to Chris Knight)

MEANWHILE IN SPORTZZZZZZZ

Snails slug it out in world racing championship

(Thanks to Ron G.)

OK, BUT WE STILL HAVE THE KARDASHIANS

Grizzly bear pushes glass box with screaming woman inside for bizarre Japanese game show

(Thanks to funny man)

INCREDIBLY, ALCOHOL APPEARS TO HAVE BEEN INVOLVED

Man stuck penis through letterbox, ‘terrified’ mother and daughter in ‘impulsive act’

(Thanks to funny man)

VE VILL, VE VILL, ROCK YOU

Romania is tapping into the Dracula legend, offering concert-goers free tickets in exchange for their blood.

(Thanks to funny man and Madeleine)

THIS HAPPENS FAR TOO OFTEN

Manchester police baffled after reports of a dead animal in the canal turns out to be a duvet filled with coconuts

(Thanks to Ralph, who asks, "Duvet Filled with Coconuts opens for Red Hot Chili Peppers?")

HELL. NEXT QUESTION.

Where did city squirrels come from?

(Thanks to John Mayson)

THE NEWS FROM CANADA

Schneiders hot dogs not made with 'lips and snouts,' says former employee

This has been The News From Canada.

(Thanks to The Perts)

DON'T LEAVE HOME WITHOUT IT

‘Man-bun’ may have helped prevent more serious injury

(Thanks to Al Barkafski)

IS THERE A PROBLEM, OFFICER?

Drunk driving suspect found naked on barn roof

Incredibly, this did not happen in Florida.

(Thanks to Al Barkafski and Rick Day)

A FLORIDA ATC LICENSE IS ON THE WAY

Intoxicated air traffic controller found shirtless, unconscious on floor of control tower

(Thanks to Malcolm Hoar, Jay Brandes, funny man and Madeleine)

SUGGESTION OF THE DAY SO FAR

Thanks for the suggestion, Henry. But you should know that such a column probably would not be well received by the cat community.

For example, this is something I wrote about cats many years ago:

Cats are less loyal than dogs, but more independent.

(This is code. It means: "Cats are smarter than dogs, but they hate people.")

Many people love cats. From time to time, newspapers print stories about some elderly widow who died and left her entire estate, valued at $3,200,000, to her cat, Fluffkins. Cats read these stories, too, and are always plotting to get named as beneficiaries in their owners' wills. Did you ever wonder where your cat goes when it wanders off for several hours? It meets with other cats in estate-planning seminars. I just thought you should know.

THERE IS NO GOOD REASON FOR THOSE THINGS TO BE IN CIVILIAN HANDS

Chinese Woman, 30, Found Guilty Of ‘Assaulting Police Officer With Her Breasts’

(Thanks to W. von Papineau)

NAME THAT STATE!

Man, 68, padlocked mom in home while going out for crack

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson)

FROM THE IMMORTAL BAAAAAARD

King Lear Goes On Tour In The Uk With Sheep Instead Of Human Actors

(Thanks to Ralph)

DON'T WORRY: THE TREES WERE WEARING CONDOMS

In Berkeley, protesters get naked to try to save trees

Advisory: Naked people 'communing' with trees.

(Thanks to Julia Denton)

GUYS IN NATURE

Bear downs 36 beers, passes out at campground near Mount Baker

(Thanks to Mr. Michael)

SEND THESE BACTERIA TO WASHINGTON

Researchers have discovered how to let bacteria control the movement and behavior of a robot, just like what the brain does to the human body.

(Thanks to Charles Cates)

SEEK ELSEWHERE, GW

GW seeks volunteers to let parasitic worms burrow into their skin.

(Thanks to Judy B.)

'HE AIN'T GOT NO GUTS. HE AIN'T GOT NO HEAD'

Zombie fish!

(Thanks to The Fourth George)

AND THE SO-CALLED 'UNITED NATIONS' DOES NOTHING

10-foot-tall chicken sculpture may have to leave Easton

(Thanks to Al Barkafski)

FLORIDAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

Florida man, 72, shot in buttocks by 'crazy' drunken man while protecting sea turtle habitat

(Thanks to Charles Cates)

GUYS IN NATURE

These Salamanders Get Into Groups And Go On Sperm-Release Raids

(Thanks to Charles Cates, who says "just like back in college.")

STAND TALL, DUBOIS

DuBois man a finalist in potato chip contest

(Thanks to Al Barkafski)

DISGRUNTLED CUSTOMER OF THE WEEK SO FAR

Man uses flame thrower to set motel on fire

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson)

CSI: COLORADO

Bear breaks into shop near Estes Park, enjoys pies

(Thanks to DaninDallas)

'YOU CAN BE YOURSELF'

Furries gather in Pittsburgh.

(Thanks to funny man)

GIVE IT UP...

...for Nut-Bashing Monkeys.

(Thanks to Sean in Akron, who's "pretty sure they toured with Iron Butterfly.")

SUSHI!

Fish tank bursts in FIU food court

(Thanks to Mike Ester)