Dave Barry's Blog

STATE PRIDE, BABY

Famous people, famous places: Reflecting on the best parts of Florida

THIS IS ACTUALLY PART OF THE FLORIDA DRIVER'S LICENSE TEST

Car jumps Flagler Bridge

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson and Dawn Valley)

GUYS IN ACTION

Watch bizarre moment firefighters hose down 'randy bulls' so RSPCA can rescue cow

(Thanks to Jan in Grimsby)

THIS NEEDS TO BE AN OLYMPIC EVENT

Swedish synchronized swimmers attempt routine drunk

(Thanks to Al Barkafski)

IN OUR ONGOING QUEST TO ACHIEVE PEAK DOUCHE

Merman colour is the next big thing in men’s hair

(Thanks to Jon Harris)

YOU KNOW THE STATE

A 65-year-old woman accused of stabbing her son in the nipple with a pencil after he complained she bought too much stuff at Walmart got locked up, an arrest affidavit states.

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson, who says we need to get pencils out of civilian hands)

DUDE

I Got A Marijuana Prescription And Pot In Minutes Without Leaving My Couch

(Thanks to Kevin Smith)

WE DON'T WANT TO KNOW

How much urine are YOU swimming in?

(Thanks to W. von Papineau)

ALERT LEVEL: VERY VERY RED

1,000 people possibly sickened by fecal matter in French mud run

(Thanks to Jon Harris)

MAYBE WE SHOULD CHARGE ADMISSION

Reason for recent spike in shark attacks: Too many people in the ocean

(Thanks to Al Barkafski)

WE HARDLY KNEW YE

After three frenzied days of working to repair and reinflate the world's largest known rubber ducky for the Tall Ships Festival, crews gave up on her Sunday

(Thanks to Al Batkafski and Jeff Meyerson, who says "Oh the humanity.")

THESE KIDS TODAY

Doctors remove FIVE FOOT hairball from Indian teenager's stomach

(Thanks to PirateBoy)

'DISCHARGED' HEH HEH

A New Zealand real estate agent who mailed poo to a rival agent has been discharged without conviction.

(Thanks to Joe in Japan)

YOU MAY NOW WHACK THE TUNA

Make your wedding a day to remember, by cutting the head off a tuna together

(Thanks to Joe Green)

HE'S TAKING IT WELL

Jilted lover ‘drives his truck on to rival’s car and posts pictures on Facebook

Advisory: Salty language.

(Thanks to funny man)

BOLO JERSEY

Serial poop smearer on the loose in Ridgewood

(Thanks to Jay Brandes)

DATELINE: THIRUVANANDHAPURAM

India's next weapon against climate change? The heat-tolerant dwarf cow

(Thanks to Bill Hudgins, who claims they toured with Meat Loaf) (Also Jeff Schneider) (We mean thanks also to Jeff Schneider, not that he toured with Meat Loaf) (As far was we know)

YES

"Get back from the Queen's Guards!" 

A FLORIDA ETC., DUDE

Driver plows through Renton pot shop

(Thanks to Craig Roberts)

THEY EVEN HAVE A T-SHIRT, WHICH SEEMS WRONG SOMEHOW

Don't miss the AANR 2015 Skinny-Dip to be held on July 11 at 3 p.m. Eastern Nudist Time

(Thanks to J.R. Absher)

BUT ONLY AFTER IT PRODUCED A VALID FLORIDA DRIVER'S LICENSE

Alligator gets police escort in St. Charles County

(Thanks to Ralph)

DUDE

Pope plans to chew coca leaves in Bolivia

(Thanks to Alberto Mengoni)

SEND THIS BLINDFOLDED MONKEY TO WASHINGTON

The average hedge fund has produced a worse investment performance in the first half of this year than a portfolio consisting of a savings account at your local bank and a random collection of stocks picked by a blindfolded monkey.

(Thanks to Another Ralph)

JUST FRIES FOR US, THANKS

Pulsating Frankenstein Meat

(Thanks to Jeff Schneider, who saw them open for Zappa)

ATTENTION, NOBEL PRIZE COMMITTEE

DRINKERS can get fit with the world’s first muscle-boosting beer mug

(Thanks to DaninDallas)

'BE A MAN!'

Artificial Intelligence Machine Gets Testy With Its Programmer

(Thanks to DaninDallas, Another Ralph and Jeff Schneider)

LESSON: CHEW BEFORE SWALLOWING

Python Eats Porcupine, Regrets It Later

(Thanks to Charles Cates and The Perts)

THERE'S A GREAT BIG BEAUTIFUL TOMORROW

Man shoots down neighbor’s hexacopter in rural drone shotgun battle

(Thanks to DaninDallas)

FORTUNATELY THEY ALL HAVE VALID FLORIDA LICENSES

20 million bees swarm highway after semi crash

(Thanks to Craig Roberts)

ALWAYS CARRY ONE

German robbers chased away by shopkeeper wielding vacuum cleaner

(Thanks to Al Barkafski)

THE HAIR LOOKS TOO NATURAL

Trump pinatas.

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson)

IT ENDED UP WITH A DEGREE IN ART HISTORY

Black Bear Crashes College Party

(Thanks to Charles Cates, Ralph and Al Barkafski)

NEW YORK WILDLIFE UPDATE

What, Nobody Wants To Sit Next To This Unattended Bag Of Snakes On The F Train?

(Thanks to Madeleine and Ralph)

REUNION UPDATE

We're having a blast.

That's me, with the hat.

THE HAPPIEST PLACE ON EARTH

...because you can buy poop desserts.

(Thanks to Ralph K.)

ADVISORY

This weekend this blog is attending its 50th high school reunion. So blogging will resume later. If this blog can remember how.

ADVISORY

This weekend this blog is attending its 50th high school reunion. So blogging will resume later. If this blog can remember how.

FAR BE IT FROM THIS BLOG TO NOTE HER HAIR COLOR

Woman trying to kiss llama gets face full of spit

(Thanks to Jon Harris)

GUYS IN ACTION

Idaho man sticks Nerf darts to his eyes in viral video

(Thanks to Jon Harris)

IT HAPPENED IN BEND

Two Hurt in Beaver Attack

(Thanks to Cheryl Howard)

GOOGLE VS. DELPHI

Two rival self-driving cars have close call in California

(Thanks to Another Ralph, who notes that both cars will be issued Florida drivers' licenses.)

NO

Is Michael Jackson doing the moonwalk in these clouds during lightning storm?

(Thanks to The Amazing Steve, who says "That's clearly Fred Astaire.")

DEPARTMENT OF WAYS TO MAKE GOLF MORE ENTERTAINING

Trashed golfer gets head stuck in garbage can

Related: Man Sues, Says He Drank Beer With a Dead Rat Marinating Inside

(Thanks to Al Barkafski)

OOPS

Chinese outdoor advertising screen shows porn video

(Thanks to Al Barkafski)

SEND THIS SECURITY TO WASHINGTON

Politician is carried out of meeting by security because he wouldn't stop talking

(Thanks to Ralph)

FRANCE ETC.

Escaped Giant Rhea Bird Can Disembowel A Human With One Strike

(Thanks to Azaliah Yadinah-Parker and Charles Cates)

EW

Pee, not chlorine, causes red eyes from swimming pools

(Thanks to many people)

IF YOU SEE ONLY ONE UTTERLY INCOMPREHENSIBLE NORWEGIAN COMEDY VIDEO ABOUT POTATO CHIPS THIS YEAR

It might as well be this one.

Advisory: You will never get this 1:04 back.

(Thanks to Claire Martin)

HAR

A Guy Got Struck by Lightning Twice, and His Name Happens to Be Rod

(Thanks to Al Barkafski)

Speaking of names, here's one our strict policy prohibits us from linking to.

(Thanks to Unholy Slacker)

Update: We also cannot link to this.

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson)

HEY, 'BAMBI' HAD SOME SCARY PARTS

Ohio Theater Accidentally Shows Horror Movie Instead of Disney Film

(Thanks to Al Barkafski)