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April 13, 2015

IN THESE SITUATIONS, THE TRUE ANSWER IS ALWAYS FLORIDA

A North Carolina man faces a DUI charge after he failed a sobriety test and asked police officers at the scene of an accident what state he was in.

(Thanks to Charles Cates)

IT WAS NOT THIS BLOG. BUT THIS BLOG UNDERSTANDS.

Florida man warned about stalking nuisance squirrels, police say

(Thanks to Jeffrey Brown, Gargoyle Socks and DaninDallas)

YOU WILL NEVER GUESS THE STATE

Neighbor forced man onto high-rise balcony, microwaved his wallet

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson)

SOMETIMES YOUR BEST BET IS TO LAPSE INTO A COMA

But when staff started contacting his loved ones, more people than anyone expected showed up at his bedside. Yuan had apparently been dating at least 17 women at the same time—including one who says she has a son with him, the South China Morning Post reports—with no one aware of the others' existence until his accident.

(Thanks to Ray Reese and funny man)

THIS MIGHT NOT BE AS VISUALLY APPEALING AS IT SOUNDS

Get Ready to Hang Out at the Naked Beer Fest in the Pocono

(Thanks to Larry Martell)

GOD KNOWS WHAT WOULD HAPPEN IF HE LEFT THE SEAT UP

Police in Tokyo’s Ota Ward said Monday they have arrested a 29-year-old woman on suspicion of attempted murder after she slashed her husband because he didn’t wash his hands after using the toilet.

(Thanks to Albert Mengoni)

WHOEVER COULD HAVE FORESEEN *THAT?*

Mother dangled toddler over cheetah pit at Cleveland zoo – and he fell in

(Thanks to Jon Harris)

April 12, 2015

YOU LAUGH, BUT THOSE THINGS CAN EMIT SOME MAJOR FARTS

Florida swimmer panics at mere sight of friendly manatee (VIDEO)

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson)

FUTURE LAWYER OF THE WEEK

A German schoolboy has taken exam preparation to ingenious new levels by making a freedom of information request to see the questions in his forthcoming Abitur tests, the equivalent of A-levels in the UK.

(Thanks to Ralph)

WE'RE GUESSING HE HAS A PRE-TEEN DAUGHTER

Judge in Argentina Issues Arrest Warrant for Justin Bieber

(Thanks to Gary Schroeder)

April 11, 2015

TRULY, WE LIVE IN A GOLDEN AGE

Sharkansas Women’s Prison Massacre – Exclusive Trailer Premiere

Possibly the best movie trailer ever.

"Death may be the only means of escape!"

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson)

THERE IS NO GOOD REASON FOR THOSE THINGS TO BE IN CIVILIAN HANDS

Florida man accused of hitting bus driver with Snickers bar

AUTOPLAY.

(Thanks to Not My Usual Alias)

BUT IT'S OK, BECAUSE THEY HAVE VALID DRIVERS' LICENSES

8-foot-long carnivorous cat-eating lizards are invading Florida

(Thanks to Bill Trent, who says he saw them on tour with the Dead Milkmen.) (Also thanks to Rick Day)

A LITTLE MORE REAL TIME

Here's a link to the Overtime segment, recorded after the main show. At the end (11:40) my hairstyle becomes an issue and I say a bad word.

ADVISORY: Bad hairstyle, word.

SOME PICTURES REQUIRE NO COMMENT

This is one.

LAX: A RELAXING AIRPORT

At least I assume she's relaxing.

20150411_073937.jpg

April 10, 2015

UPDATE

Washington deputies find cabin that family reported stolen

(Thanks to Jon Harris)

BOLO

Des Moines man reports stolen bag of dog poop

(Thanks to Rick Day)

TONIGHT

Watch, if you have 'em...

PASS THE FRIES

Being fat in middle age reduces risk of developing dementia, researchers say

(Thanks to Al Barkafski and Jon Harris)

YES

Man asks Tampa federal judge to bar Kim Kardashian, Kanye West from Florida

(Thanks to Ralph)

YOU KNOW YOU WERE WONDERING

What Life Is Like with a Giant, Silicone-Enhanced Penis

(Thanks to Judy B.)

CSI: LEROY

$70K in bull semen stolen from Minnesota farm

(Thanks to Jon Harris, ScottMGS and Unholy Slacker)

BUT THE REST OF US FEEL SAFER

Alyssa Milano ‘Not Okay’ After Breast Milk Is Confiscated at Airport

(Thanks to Sharon [The Minx] Lurie and Bill Hudgins)

April 09, 2015

TWO WORDS: REFRIED BEANS

A small 'hot spot' in the U.S. Southwest is responsible for producing the largest concentration of the greenhouse gas methane seen over the United States - and is the subject of a major new investigation to find out why.

(Thanks to Steve @ Secret Location)

YOUR WAIT IS OVER AT LAST

Here’s The Story Of UFC Champ Chris Weidman Pooping In His Wife’s Trashcan

(Thanks to Unholy Slacker)

BECAUSE IT SUCKS

Science Has Discovered Why Your Parents Hate Your Music

(Thanks to Jay Brandes)

THIS JUST IN

A Ukip candidate and senior party official has defended his other job - as a porn star named Rockard.

(Thanks to Bill Hudgins)

'IF I'M GOING BACK TO PRISON, I'LL AT LEAST GET HIGH'

Police who arrived at a drug trafficker’s Tampa home temporarily let the 23-year-old out of handcuffs so she could sign a document.  Instead, Kimberly Noelle Collera reached for a handful of the synthetic drug known as “Molly” and swallowed it

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson)

Always keep a handful nearby.

BOLO

Entire cabin stolen off foundation

(Thanks to Craig Roberts)

THIS CAN ALSO GET YOU OUT OF PAYING YOUR TAXES

A 41-year-old San Francisco man was acquitted of robbery and other felonies after telling a jury he entered a Mission District home only because a methamphetamine-fueled psychosis led him to believe he needed to board a spaceship to flee the imminent destruction of the earth

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson, who says "In that case, sir, you are free to go.")

OOPS

Postal Service releases Maya Angelou stamp with quote from another author

(Thanks to Janice Gelb)

'IT WAS GIGANTIC IN DIAMETER'

PORTLAND, Ore. --  A child who vomited inside the Powell's bookstore on SE Hawthrone Boulevard wrote an apology letter to the "barf cleaners."

(Thanks to Craig Roberts)

Barf aside, Powell's is a great bookstore.

CELEBRITY UPDATE

‘No Kardashian Parking’ signs pop up in Hollywood

(Thanks to Jenny Kellner and Ralph)

SEND HIM TO WASHINGTON

Godzilla appointed Tokyo resident and tourism ambassador

(Thanks to Andy the TropicHunt.com Guy)

April 08, 2015

'IT IS HARD TO BELIEVE'

TV at Oklahoma KFC played sex scene while family dined

(Thanks to Bob Brogan, who asks "What does the 'F' in 'KFC' stand for?")

THEY BOTH PRODUCED VALID FLORIDA DRIVERS' LICENSES

Bobcat goes fishing, catches shark

Bobcat-catches-shark-jpg

(Thanks to Poker)

'DR. DICK'

Talking to the Doctor Behind the World’s First Successful Penis Transplant

(Thanks to Azaliah Yadinah-Parker)

DO NOT MESS WITH THEM

A Florida woman is facing a felony animal abuse charge for allegedly killing her boyfriend’s goldfish by pouring bleach into their tank, according to court records.

(Thanks to Mark Schlesinger and Jim Kenaston)

OUR FRIENDLY NEIGHBOR TO THE NORTH

Canadian road rager terrorizes family with chainsaw, faces armed assault charges

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson, who says "I thought they were mellow.")

It would be a serious mistake to do this on the roads of Miami.

CSI: JERSEY

Couple faces charges for stealing high-end baseball bats while using baby stroller

(Thanks to Ron G.)

'WHAT'S YOUR PROBLEM? WE ARE JUST TRYING TO HAVE SEX.'

Teen tried to have sex in ambulance before punching paramedic taking 92-year-old man to hospital

Thanks to Charles Cates)

STAN FREBERG

A brilliantly funny guy is gone.

OOPS

Drexel University is investigating a law professor who thought she was sending her class a link to an article on writing legal briefs, but who actually sent a link to a pornography site's video of a woman using anal beads.

(Thanks to Judy B.)

AKA THE FLORIDA FITNESS WORKOUT

Naked jogger allegedly high on '$5 insanity' runs down busy Fort Lauderdale streets, tries to evade cops

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson)

April 07, 2015

THIS JUST IN

Revellers carry gigantic phalluses through streets of Japanese city

(Thanks to Michael Moyer)

ALLELUIA

Turkey's top religious body allows toilet paper

(Thanks to Ralph)

A MASSIVE EASTER-EGG HUNT IN WASHINGTON, D.C.

It ran about as smoothly as the federal government.

(Thanks to Jon Harris)

SCARY LUCY STATUE UPDATE

The sculptor says he's going to fix it.

(Thanks to PirateBoy)

We suggest a bronze paper bag.

YOU KNOW WHAT TO DO

Today is National Beer Day.

(Thanks to Ralph)

 
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