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April 18, 2015

FUN COUPLE OF THE WEEK SO FAR

Man, woman fight over food, who pooped in bathtub

(Thanks to Unholy Slacker)

AMERICA TACKLES THE ISSUES

A drunken argument over whether Android or Apple smartphones were superior turned violent early today when two Oklahoma roommates began assaulting each other during the bloody telecommunications debate.

(Thanks to funny man, Jeff Meyerson and Charles Cates)

MEANWHILE IN THE WAR ON TERROR

A U.S. marshal forgot his loaded gun, leaving it on top of a toilet paper dispenser in a bathroom stall at Newark Liberty International Airport, one of the country's busiest hubs.

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson)

THE FRIENDLY SKIES

Air traveler, 68, describes being stabbed with pen by angry woman next to him because he was snoring

(Thanks to Ron G.)

FORTUNATELY THEY ALL HAVE VALID FLORIDA LICENSES

Millions of honeybees swarm I-5 as truck full of bee crates crashes

(Thanks to Craig Roberts)

AT LAST THE WAIT IS OVER

The Hoff is back. And he's better than basically the same as ever.

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson and Janice Gelb)

April 17, 2015

*BAD* LT. SHAGGY DAN!

The fire started just before 3:30 p.m. when resident Samantha Roth, 22, was cooking and got locked outside of the house by the family’s 3-year-old dog, Lt. Shaggy Dan.

(Thanks to Charles Cates)

YOU *WILL* REPAY YOUR LOAN

Dutch banker fired after she is exposed as a dominatrix prostitute who described herself as a ‘high class nymphomaniac’ and earned 10,000 euro a week dressing up as a Nazi and whipping men

(Thanks to wiredog and Charles Cates)

CANADIAN UPDATE

Stripping not allowed in Saskatchewan, unless it's for charity

(Thanks to Allen at Division, who says "Honest, dear, her name really IS Charity!")

WE'RE NEVER GOING IN THE WATER AGAIN

A bizarre, self-amputating, vertical swimming, serpent-like marine specimen has washed up on the salt marsh at Aramoana in Dunedin.

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(Thanks to Bill Moore, who says "If Edgar had a tapeworm, this would be it.")

GOOFY

Woman says Disney implanted her with a chip

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson and Rich, who says "Hate to break it to you, Ms. Hooker, but Disney already enacted its world-wide brainwashing program. It's called 'Let It Go', and it worked.")

THE HORSE WAS RELEASED AFTER PRODUCING A VALID FLORIDA LICENSE

Kentucky man arrested after riding drunk on horseback

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson)

CANADIAN NEWS ROUNDUP

Daredevil raccoon makes 58-storey climb up Toronto crane

This has been your Canadian News Roundup.

(Thanks to Steve Ambler)

FRANCE ON HIGH ALERT

Earthworms rain down from skies over Norway

(Thanks to Rob Simbeck, Steven Pudlo and Charles Cates)

SUAVE

Man who had sex with dog on film accidentally sent video to his girlfriend

(Thanks to Charles Cates)

THOSE TERRORIST BASTARDS

Giant chicken invades Dauphin County Courthouse

(Thanks to Al Barkafski)

AIRPORTS HAVE THE SAME EFFECT ON US

Wolverine tranquilized at New Jersey airport after chewing through cage

(Thanks to Azaliah Yadinah-Parker and Jon Harris)

BOTH THE PARROT AND THE COFFEE PRODUCED VALID FLORIDA LICENSES

Pennsylvania woman blames parrot and coffee for crashing her car

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson, Charles Cates, DaninDallas and Jon Harris)

April 16, 2015

'YOUR HONOR, I DON'T RECALL THE EVENTS, BUT I WOKE UP IN JAIL'

Man admits to urinating on Aspen Police car

(Thanks to Claire Martin)

FASHION MODELS

They don't get paid enough.

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(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson)

MEANWHILE IN CHESS

Nigaldze’s opponent, a grandmaster named Tigran Petrosian, initially became suspicious when he noticed Nigaldze consistently running to the toilet after making a move.

(Thanks to Mike Ester)

VIRGIN MARY UPDATE

She rocks.

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson)

FATHER'S DAY IS COMING

Dad wants this.

(Thanks to Loudmouth)

THOSE TERRORIST BASTARDS

Ada Sheriff deputy patrol vehicle destroyed after hitting cow

(Thanks to Craig Roberts)

HE'S FALLEN, AND HE CAN'T GET UP

Great-grandmother, 92, hits mugger with mobility scooter

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson, who says "And stay off her lawn.")

April 15, 2015

WHO SAYS ROMANCE IS DEAD?

Florida man high on flakka has sex with tree and calls himself Thor

(Thanks to Rob Barry)

You'd be Thor, too.

CSI: DOUGLAS COUNTY

Man steals cable box, threatens to hurt pet fish

(Thanks to West Coast Rod, who says "Stay back! He's got a guppy.")

HEY, *SOMEBODY* HAS TO TRAIN THEM

If it wasn’t for the loud parties, the owner of a $2 million mansion in northwest Hillsborough County might have continued operating a training school for strippers next door to an exclusive gated community.

You know the state.

(Thanks to Bill Hudgins)

SMOOTH

Seattle burglar tries to bribe cop: 'Like, can I give you cash?'

(Thanks to Craig Roberts)

A TIME OF MOURNING

Rutgers' Lord Nelson, only horse ever to be penalized in college football game, dies at 42

(Thanks to Peter Metrinko)

ANCESTOR OF THE WEEK SO FAR

Unfortunately, our strict policy prohibits us from presenting the Ancestor of the Week So Far.

(Thanks to Unholy Slacker)

UH-OH

Dead humpback whale found stranded on Wash. coast

(Thanks to Craig Roberts)

FITTING

Supervisor Scott Wiener gets ‘stalked’ to work by angry nudist

(Thanks to Ralph)

THOSE TERRORIST BASTARDS

Drone delivering asparagus to Dutch restaurant crashes and bursts into flames

(Thanks to Rob Simbeck)

THIS CARRIES A TWO-STROKE PENALTY

A golfer has been bitten on the leg by a crocodile while playing at an Australian tourist resort.

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson, who says "Now that's a water hazard.")

GUYS IN ACTION

A man was burned inside his rental car after he tried to kill the bedbugs populating it with alcohol, then lit a cigarette, setting the vehicle ablaze Tuesday afternoon outside an Eastport supermarket, police said.

(Thanks to Charles Cates)

LEGAL STRATEGY OF THE WEEK SO FAR

Oregon inmate flashes judge during court appearance

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson)

SEND THIS TURKEY TO WASHINGTON

Wind apparently propels turkey through law firm window

(Thanks to Peter Metrinko)

April 14, 2015

NO MEANS NO

Woman breaks up with boyfriend by hitting him with bat

(Thanks to Craig Roberts)

GET THAT NOBEL PRIZE READY

Swedes launch first doughnut into space

(Thanks to Bill Hudgins)

IT MIGHT HAVE BEEN ELMO

Charges dropped against man dressed as Cookie Monster for groping teen since prosecutors aren't sure they nabbed right costumed character

(Thanks to Not My Usual Alias and Steve K.)

THEY BOTH PRODUCED VALID FLORIDA DRIVERS' LICENSES

Skateboarding Taco Hit By Car

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson)

TAX DAY

Some thoughts from Shaq and me (and others).

BECAUSE IT WORKED OUT SO WELL THE LAST TIME

Florida plans to give hunters another shot at pythons in 2016

AW

Trevor Hotchkiss asked Aziza Radwan to the prom the only way he knew how - with a cow.

(Thanks to Bill Hudgins)

AND THE SO-CALLED 'DEPARTMENT OF JUSTICE' DOES NOTHING

Justin Bieber kicked out of Coachella, put in chokehold by security

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson)

'ACCIDENTALLY'

Authorities say a woman was accidentally shot by her son-in-law while he was trying to shoot an armadillo.

(Thanks to PirateBoy)

THANKS, BUT WE'LL JUST HAVE THE METH

Man's underpants load of heroin worth $61,000

(Thanks to Jon Harris)

YOU KNOW THE SQUIRRELS WERE BEHIND THIS

Gang of Flying Asian Carp Mount Aerial Attack on Washington University Rowing Team

(Thanks to manual tomato and Jon Harris)

DO NOT MESS WITH THEM

Woman whose boyfriend pretended he had put her dog in a washing machine gets her own back by gluing him naked to a chair with waxing strips

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson)

 
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