Dave Barry's Blog

DO NOT MESS WITH THEM

Naked Woman Arrested After Chasing Boyfriend With Knife

You know the state.

GUYS IN ACTION

Brewer replaces rugby players' missing teeth with bottle opener implants

(Thanks to Bob Brogan)

EXPECT THE HOMICIDE RATE TO SOAR

A therapist has devised the scariest couples exercise ever: Assembling Ikea furniture

(Thanks to Judy B.)

IT'S CLUTCHING A VALID DRIVER'S LICENSE

Box found in Tampa attic has coins, a map, a hand and a mystery

(Thanks to Rick Day)

THESE KIDS TODAY

Two University of Akron students are developing a mobile device similar to a Breathalyzer that will test the level of marijuana in one’s system.

(Thanks to Judy B.)

FLORIDA

An 82-year-old man spent Tuesday night in jail after deputies say he grabbed his 81-year-old neighbor's neck during an argument over the fact that his doorbell rang whenever hers did.

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson)

CRIMINAL MASTERMIND OF THE WEEK SO FAR

A 23-year-old Montana man wanted for theft and forgery has been arrested in Cascade County after posting a Facebook "like" to his own online wanted poster.

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson)

UPDATE: We have a new leader:

Of 80 frozen pizzas stolen Sunday in the village of Gambell, 75 have been recovered, according to Alaska State Troopers. Village police officers received their "strongest investigative lead" in the case when John Koozaata, 29, and Lewis Oozeva, 21, called the Gambell Police Department and tried to sell the pizzas to on-duty officers

(Thanks to Janice Gelb)

MEANWHILE DOWN UNDER

Australian morning show Sunrise accidentally aired a segment featuring a naked footballer this morning.

(Thanks to Colleen, who says "Show temporarily renames itself "Moonrise.")

NEVER GO IN THERE WITHOUT A SHOTGUN

Warwick woman finds wild turkey in bathroom

(Thanks to Trent Whitney and Monique)

WE HARDLY KNEW YE

Beloved rooster 'McNugget' killed in Wash. dog attack

(Thanks to Craig Roberts)

KICKSTARTER OF THE WEEK SO FAR

A device that fits in your back pocket or attaches to your belt. It measures your gases and tells you what foods to avoid.

(Thanks to The Amazing Steve, who says "I saw Fart Tracker open for Meatloaf.  They played Classical Gas.") (Also thanks to Peter Metrinko, Jeffrey Brown and DaninDallas)

Related: Pungent smell in east Kennewick is back

(Thanks to Craig Roberts)

AND THEY ALL HAVE VALID ETC.

Conehead termites invade Dania Beach

(Thanks to Ralph)

THAT'S ONE THING IT MIGHT MAKE YOU APPEAR

Somebody created an actual Selfie Arm to help you appear less lonely

(Thanks to West Coast Rod)

CSI: MUMBAI

Indian thief fed bananas to expel gold necklace

(Thanks to Craig Roberts)

In accordance with this blog's strict policy, we are not taking note of the alleged perpetrator's first name.

SCIENCE

Women's Sex Drive Rivals Men's

(Thanks to Judy B.)

TASTEFUL

Dutch designer Mark Sturkenboom has created a "memory box" containing a dildo with a compartment for storing the ashes of a deceased partner.

(Thanks to Jon Harris)

THE CHICK-FIL-A IS A VERY SENSITIVE SPOT

Ohio man accidentally shot himself in Chick-fil-A while pulling up his pants

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson)

FORTUNATELY IT HAS A VALID FLORIDA LICENSE

Bull has a thing for Florida deputy’s patrol car

(Thanks to Ralph)

FREEING HUMAN POLE-DANCERS FROM THE DRUDGERY

Pole Dancing Robots Draw Crowds to Major London Tech Startup Event

(Thanks to Jim Kenaston)

 

'POO-SEUM'

Italy opens Museo Della Merda -- the museum of poop

(Thanks to Unholy Slacker and funny man)

ME GOTTA GO

Louie Louie singer Jack Ely dies aged 71

(Thanks to maddux, Jeff Meyerson, Allen at Division and The Amazing Steve, who says "Now we'll *never* know what the words were.")

Here's a column I wrote about Louie Louie, which remains one of my all-time favorite songs.

FLORIDIAN OF THE WEEK SO FAR

This guy.

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson and Charles Cates)

MEANWHILE ABROAD

RUSSIA ARRESTS WOMEN FOR TWERKING IN FRONT OF WWII MEMORIAL

(Thanks to Allen at Division, who says "Send Miley Cyrus to Russia now!")

IN ACCORDANCE WITH ANCIENT TRADITION

Nicki Minaj performs at over-the-top Bar Mitzvah

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson)

SHOOT US NOW

Airplanes Just Got Even More Crowded With New 11-Seat-Across Setup

(Thanks to Charles Cates)

DEPARTMENT OF DECISIONS THAT MAY LATER BE REGRETTED

Dad Gets Massive Tattoo of Baby on His Face

(Thanks to Andrew Mendez)

URINE TROUBLE NOW

Pennsylvania woman pees on officer’s leg while scuffling with cops during arrest

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson)

OBITUARY PARAGRAPH OF THE DAY SO FAR

The third from the end.

(Thanks to J.R. Absher)

STEPHEN HAWKING:

“It would not be beyond the realms of possibility that somewhere outside of our own universe lies another different universe — and in that universe, Zayn is still in One Direction.”

(Thanks to Steve K.)

THERE'S PROBABLY A PERFECTLY INNOCENT EXPLANATION

NYC Airplane Cleaner Fired After Arrest for Thefts, Found With 1,429 Bottles of Liquor

(Thanks to Charles Cates)

WE WANT FRIES WITH THAT

Miami is Number One in fast-food consumption.

(Thanks to Steve K)

THE RECOMMENDED DAILY ALLOTMENT FOR THAT BREED IS TWO

Doberman recovering after eating 3 wrist watches

(Thanks to Charles Cates)

DOWN UNDER ALERT

Condoms sold through Groupon Australia's website are being recalled over fears the "counterfeit" prophylactics contain flaws including holes.

(Thanks to Bob Brogan)

CRIMEFIGHTERS OF THE MONTH SO FAR

These Breasts Nailed a Hacker For the FBI

(Thanks to DaninDallas)

Update: Somehow, we failed to notice that this story is several years old. Rest assured that judi will be fired as soon as we can locate her.

USEFUL

Intel's New Wearable Computer Allows You To Control A Swarm Of "Spider Bots" With Just A Gesture

(Thanks to Jim Kenaston)

SCIENCE

When the women smelled samples of "happy sweat," they showed more facial activity related to smiling compared to when they smelled the other types of sweat, the study found.

(Thanks to John "Ol' Chumbucket" Baur)

WE SAW WILY PRIMATE OPEN FOR THE RAMONES

Monkey dropkicks young man after the guy appears to flash the middle finger at the wily primate

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson)

DON'T LET THAT FOOL YOU

Scientists prove vampire squirrels of Borneo have fluffiest tails in the world

(Thanks to C McWhorter, Raymond Wright and Ralph)

SO IT MUST HAVE BEEN THE SQUIRRELS

FAA: Plane Did Not Dump Toilet Paper On West Pittston Home

(Thanks to Al Barkafski)

LAND OF EXCITEMENT

Michigan certifies 32 new mushroom experts

(Thanks to Poker)

GUESS THE STATE

Vodka truck ends up in tree after crash on I-95

(Thanks to Charles Cates)

SIGH

So there are now classes preparing toddlers for that all-important nursery interview.

(Thanks to Craig Roberts)

THEN WE DO NOT ACCEPT YOUR STUPID WATCH

Apple: ‘We do not accept fart apps on the Apple Watch’

(Thanks to Ralph)

DISGRACEFUL

URI officials say they didn’t know guard donkey was pregnant

(Thanks to Monique)

YET ANOTHER ARGUMENT IN FAVOR OF JUST STAYING INDOORS

Lawn mower shoots 3-inch wire up man's nose, into his head

(Thanks to Steve K)

BRAZEN

LAPD Looking For Graffiti Artist Who Tagged A Cop’s Horse

(Thanks to DaninDallas)

IT'S CALLED 'WASHINGTON'

NASA May Have Accidentally Created a Warp Field

(Thanks to West Coast Rod)

WE *KNEW* THEY WERE INVOLVED

Police Arrest Three After Finding Meth, Heroin And Squirrel

(Thanks to Ralph)

IS THAT RELATED TO THE TROUSER TROUT?

Rare Pocket Shark Discovered

(Thanks to Bill Hudgins and funny man)

NO

Foreskin Facials: Would You Try One?

(Thanks to Bill Hudgins)