Dave Barry's Blog

WHAT'S THAT SMELL?

Flatulent cows deliver blow to environment, wind conference hears

(Thanks to Unholy Slacker)

IF THIS ISN'T AN EMERGENCY, WE DON'T KNOW WHAT IS

Man calls 911 to report he was overcharged on his bar tab

(Thanks to Craig Roberts)

THE LAST FRONTIER

A wild coyote was spotted Monday roaming around the roof of a bar in Queens.

THEY WILL STOP AT NOTHING IN THEIR FIENDISH QUEST FOR WORLD DOMINATION

Pack of Baby Squirrels Allegedly Attacks Manhattan Man

(Thanks to Phil Crain)

WE WOULD BE LOST WITHOUT THE INTERNET

The Catcordion.

(Thanks to Jon Harris)

ONLY IF BOTH THE ALLIGATOR AND THE TREE HAVE VALID FLORIDA DRIVERS' LICENSES

These Lego Creations Perfectly Represent Each Of The 50 United States

(Thanks to Jon Harris)

IN THAT CASE, MA'AM, YOU ARE FREE TO GO

A Texas woman says she was looking to release her anger when she broke into a yoga studio and set fire to it

(Thanks to Jon Harris)

THEY ALSO OPENED FOR THE RAMONES

GLOWING TAMPONS HELP DETECT SEWAGE LEAKS

(Thanks to Ed. Floden, Gary Schroeder and Charles Cates)

TOTALLY JUSTIFIED

Woman accused of stabbing Akron boyfriend because he ate all their salsa

(Thanks to Stever)

PITTSBURGH NEWS ROUNDUP

Several arrested after 2 South Side fights; man found with frozen food in pants

This has been the Pittsburgh News Roundup.

(Thanks to Jeff from Pittsburgh)

'A CRUNCHING COLON'

We report a case of a man, aged 62 years, with a rectal bezoar composed of pumpkin seeds

(Thanks to ScottMGS, who says "Rectal Bezoar opened for the Crunching Colons back in aught five.")

WE PREDICT THIS WILL RESULT IN A *LOT* MORE ELEPHANT ATTACKS

Uganda Trumpets 'Vuvuzelas' as New Tool to Deter Elephant Attacks

(Thanks to Ralph)

TOTALLY JUSTIFIED

Woman attempts to hit man with car over cinnamon bun argument

Guess the state.

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson)

A TRADITION IS BORN

Michigan State students celebrate Final Four by throwing bagels

(Thanks to Ralph)

LEGAL TACTIC OF THE WEEK SO FAR

A suspected California bank robber reached into his pocket while on the witness stand, pulled out a handful of his own feces and ate them, grossing out everyone else in the courtroom.

(Thanks to Craig Roberts)

'I'M DOING IT FOR ME'

After uproar, well-endowed statue in S. Utah loses prominent feature

(Thanks to wiredog and Ralph)

AW

Family Reunited With Mini Cows

(Thanks to the Konyhas)

ONE RESIDENT 'IS COVERED ONLY BY A LARGE EXERCISE BALL'

Elderly Ohioans expose bare shoulders, toes in suggestive calendar for assisted living center

(Thanks to Jon Harris)

IDAHO STATE SALAMANDER UPDATE

Student's state salamander bill passes Idaho Senate panel

(Thanks to Craig Roberts)

THE FASHION REPORT

Men are going nuts over Lululemon's 'anti-ball crushing' pants

This has been The Fashion Report.

(Thanks to Jon Harris)

DUDES

The police of Palmerah—which is sub-district of West Jakarta—accidentally got their residents high as kites when they burned a 3.3-ton pile of marijuana.

(Thanks to Joe in Japan)

ALL THEY KNOW FOR SURE IS THAT THE RESIDENTS WILL HAVE FLORIDA LICENSES

Scientists at Large Hadron Collider hope to make contact with PARALLEL UNIVERSE in days

(Thanks to Jon Harris)

FLORIDA:

Even our fish are insane.

Audio Advisory: Annoying shrieking woman.

(Thanks to Azaliah Yadinah-Parker)

ACTING ON ORDERS FROM THE SQUIRRELS

Goose causes downtown outage, crash

(Thanks to Craig Roberts)

EAT YOUR HEART OUT, ANGELA MERKEL

Taylor Swift Tops Fortune’s List Of World’s Greatest Female Leaders

(Thanks to Ray Reese and Mark Schlesinger)

THERE'S NO FUN LIKE BIOLOGICAL ANTHROPOLOGY FUN

Medieval Parasite-Filled Poop Found in Jerusalem Latrine

(Thanks to Bill Hudgins)

RIBBIT

Frog Enzyme Clears Genital Warts

(Thanks to Bill)

GRESHAM CRIME REPORT

Unfortunately, our strict policy prohibits us from presenting the Gresham Crime Report.

(Thanks to Allen at Division and Ralph)

WE DON'T KNOW WHY CIVILIANS ARE EVEN ALLOWED TO POSSESS THOSE THINGS

An Australian woman was denied bail after she allegedly squirted breast milk on a police officer’s head, arms and clothes.

(Thanks to Al Barkafski)

Related: Ariz. woman flashes kids at bar mitzvah, lets boys fondle new breast implants

(Thanks to Jon Harris)

THIS IS APRIL FOOLS', RIGHT?

McDonald's clothing.

You almost had us there, McDonald's.

IN FLORIDA, HE WOULD HAVE SIMPLY DRIVEN AWAY

California bulldog, left alone in vehicle, blows horn for several minutes

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson)

WE MIGHT AS WELL JUST SHRED THE CONSTITUTION

A jury today found a Michigan woman guilty of firing a shot into a McDonald’s drive-thru window after employees failed to put bacon on a cheeseburger she ordered.

(Thanks to Chris Elzi and Bill Hudgins)

NOT THAT THERE IS ANYTHING WRONG WITH IT

Saudi man divorces wife over her love for camel

(Thanks to funny man)

HE WON'T GET FAR WITHOUT GARLIC BREAD

Cops Hunt For Hefty Armed Robber Who Stole Cash, Then Pizzas, From Long Island Domino’s

(Thanks to Charles Cates and Al Barkafski)

THE NEWS FROM ABROAD

Did someone just fart in front of the Duchess of Cambridge?

(Thanks to Ralph)

WE THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME, DUDE

Willie Nelson Is Launching His Own Brand of Weed

(Thanks to Charles Cates)

WE'RE ISSUING DRIVERS' LICENSES AS FAST AS WE CAN

Termite species mix in Florida, reproducing at breakneck rate

(Thanks to Jay Brandes)

THIS JUST IN

Political Storm Looming in Denmark Over Huge Dong Deal

(Thanks to Peter Metrinko)

BEER OF THE WEEK SO FAR

Bottoms up.

(Thanks to Unholy Slacker)

TOTALLY JUSTIFIED

Man Punches Williamsburg Resident for Having a ‘Pussy Dog’

(Thanks to Judy B.)

EROTIC FICTION: HAS IT GONE TOO FAR?

Yes.

(Thanks to Janice Gelb)

SEND IT TO WASHINGTON

'Minesweeping' pig banned from drinking in a pub for headbutting customers

(Thanks to Ron G. and Ralph)

SOON WE WILL HAVE NO CONSTITUTIONAL RIGHTS LEFT

Restaurant sign featuring bull’s extra-large genitalia sparks outrage, city petition

(Thanks to Unholy Slacker)

GUYS IN ACTION

On Saturday, I took my daughters and their children out for a little quality family time. We drove out into the west desert and blew up their mother's washing machine.

(Thanks to wiredog)

TOTALLY JUSTIFIED

Lack of orange juice leads Louisiana man to shoot son in buttocks

(Thanks to Ralph)

NOTED

Ejaculating On Your Colleagues' Food Is Not A Sex Crime In Minnesota

(Thanks to Charles Cates)

THE NEWS FROM ABROAD

A man in Norway faces jail after cutting off his own hair and beard and then gluing it to another man’s head in an apparent attempt to create a toupée.

(Thanks to Art Silverman, who notes that "this is the country that hands out the Nobel Peace Prize.")

WISCONSIN

Huge $50 Bloody Mary features vodka, Worcester sauce, prawns, celery sticks... and a WHOLE fried chicken

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson)

CSI: AKRON

The suspect has several distinctive face tattoos, including one that looks like Hello Kitty.

(Thanks to Harry Farkas)

'THERE ARE METALS EVERYWHERE'

Scientists Want to Mine Our Poop for Gold

(Thanks to Dad-O-Lot, Charles Cates and DaveM)