Dave Barry's Blog

THIS IS JUST WRONG

Naja makes a collection of Cheeky Knickers with your favorite comfort foods, right on the front of the undergarments.

(Thanks to Guymon)

CRIMEFIGHTER OF THE WEEK SO FAR

Suspected robber knocked himself out with his own boomeranging brick

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson)

THROW IN A TANKER OF FEBREZE AND YOU GOT A DEAL

Tissue Paper-for-Venezuelan Oil Swap Offered by Trinidad

(Thanks to Gargoyle Socks)

YET ANOTHER REASON TO LOATHE HIPSTERS

As tastes change, big food makers try hipster guises

(Thanks to Craig Roberts)

WE HAVE IT DELIVERED. TAKES FOREVER.

Where Do You Buy Your Snail Slime? A Push to Shop Locally

(Thanks to Judy B.)

MULTI-TASKER OF THE WEEK SO FAR

Seattle doctor disciplined for sexting during surgery

(Thanks to Craig Roberts)

HE WILL RECEIVE A COMPLIMENTARY FLORIDA DRIVER'S LICENSE

Hospital sorry for texting dead man asking him to rate his A&E experience

(Thanks to John Finn, DaninDallas and Azaliah Yadinah-Parker)

MEN

Do NOT click here. Really.

(Thanks to Andrew Mendez)

THE NEWS FROM KENT

Potato shaped like a man's penis found by Dick Humphreys, of Addisham Green, Kemsley

This has been The News From Kent.

(Thanks to Unholy Slacker)

'OH *MOM*' (EYEROLL)

Texas mom pulls gun on 14-year-old daughter's rival during playground girlfight

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson)

WHERE IT WILL BE ISSUED A DRIVER'S LICENSE

Rat lungworm parasite makes its way to Florida

(Thanks to R&L Stevenson)

NO

Would you go out wearing 'nothing' but a few strategically placed pom-poms?

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson)

WE SAW THEM OPEN FOR THE LOOSE LLAMAS

Beware, the sheep-eating plants of Chile

(Thanks to Azaliah Yadinah-Parker)

'GO TO JAPAN TO BUY A TOILET SEAT'

Chinese tourists flooded Japan last week, spending an estimated $959 million in Japan’s shopping malls and department stores, according to Chinese state-run newspaper Global Times. While many splurged on luxury goods, the hot item this season was Japanese toilet seats.

(Thanks to Jay Brandes)

NATURE: NOW IT'S JUST MESSING WITH US

Meet 2 New Spider Species: 'Skeletorus' and 'Sparklemuffin'

(Thanks to Bill Hudgins)

WE DON'T KNOW IF THIS IS REAL

And we don't care.

(Thanks to Joe in Japan)

THAT WAS PRETTY MUCH OUR REACTION TO THE BOOK

A FIFTY Shades fan caused the entire audience at a cinema to be evacuated after losing control of her body.

“She lost control of everything, including all bodily fluids. The whole cinema stank.”

(Thanks to DaninDallas)

WHAT COLOR IS THIS DRESS?

Some people see blue and black; others see gold and white. Both perceptions are perfectly normal. If you see anything else, you should seek medical help immediately.

WE SAW THEM OPEN FOR TONY ORLANDO

Loose llamas lassoed after running amok in Arizona, Washington

(Thanks to Judy B., Janice Gelb, Jon Harris and Jenny Kellner)

HELLO? HELLO?

Woman gets MOBILE PHONE stuck in her vagina after using it to pleasure herself

(Thanks to DaninDallas)

SAD BUT TRUE

My parents had more fun than I did.

(From my new book, which will be on sale March 3, in exchange for money.)

SOON TO BE A MAJOR MOTION PICTURE

New police squad aims to curb drug use, shoplifting, defecating

(Thanks to Craig Roberts)

IN THAT CASE, MA'AM, YOU ARE FREE TO GO

A 23-year-old Florida woman found passed out behind the wheel of a running car said drugs found in her possession were to treat the back pain she gets from pole-dancing, authorities said.

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson)

MEN:

Do not, under any circumstances whatsoever, click here.

("Thanks" to Kevin Smith and Jan in Grimsby)

 

WITH EVERY PASSING DAY, WE LOVE ROB FORD MORE

The notorious former Toronto mayor and now city councilor is auctioning off some of the memorabilia he has collected over the years, including what appears to be the football tie he wore when he admitted to smoking crack cocaine.

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson)

WE DELIBERATELY RAM CARS SPORTING THE BUMPER STICKER 'CAUTION: SHOW DOGS'

A new poll conducted by PEMCO Insurance found that about one in five motorists in the Northwest admit they are less courteous to drivers sporting bumper stickers with messages they oppose.

(Thanks to Craig Roberts)

BUT THEY *LET IT IN*

Customs and Border Protection apprehends baby squirrel at Texas airport

(Thanks to John Mayson)

GET THAT NOBEL PRIZE READY

Why a coffee is more likely to spill than a latte

(Thanks to Judy B.)

WHOA

Watch this octopus surprise-attack a crab

We do not ever want to be attacked by an octopus.

Advisory: Bad, yet appropriate, word at end.

(Thanks to Gargoyle Socks)

WE ASSUME SHE'S RELATED TO TONY SOPRANO

New Jersey woman stole lunch money from children, ages 3 to 5, on school bus

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson)

DAMN CONVENTIONEERS

Sword fight at Dubai hotel leaves 4 men hospitalized

(Thanks to Poker)

ALSO, FLORIDA DRIVERS' LICENSES

Funerals are being held for ROBOTIC dogs in Japan because owners believe they have souls

(Thanks to George Byars)

COLLEGE

It has changed.

THOSE TERRORIST BASTARDS

London’s firefighters say sun rays refracted by a Nutella jar likely caused a house fire.

(Thanks to The Perts)

HE HAD HIS REASONS

An angry Idaho man has been arrested for destroying property at a hotel in Jackpot after he allegedly jumped over the front desk and sprayed shaving cream on a computer and video camera screens.

(Thanks to Craig Roberts)

BECAUSE WE DON'T HAVE ENOUGH THINGS TO EAT

KFC to offer edible coffee cups

(Thanks to Will Dooley, who says "Tastes just like chicken.")

WHAT'S THAT SMELL?

Kim Kardashian Goes Five Days Without Washing Her Hair

(Thanks to Brian Duval)

'YOU WILL NEVER GUESS WHAT I HAVE FOUND'

Pranksters in an English town installed a toilet, sink and toilet paper holder at an outdoor bus stop, local officials said.

DAILY SPORTS UPDATE

Kevin Garnett is not afraid to throw teammates' phones in the toilet

This has been your Daily Sports Update.

BULLETIN BULLETIN BULLETIN

STUDY FINDS BEER COMPOUND TO PROTECT THE BRAIN, PREVENT ALZHEIMER’S

(Thanks to Jon Harris)

On The Other Hand: Heavy drinkers have the lowest IQs, study claims

(Thanks to Al Barkafski and Bill Jones)

OOPS

Paedophile teacher immortalised on school memorial gates with the words 'He touched us all'

(Thanks to Jay Brandes)

THE REALLY FRIENDLY SKIES

Jetstar passenger drinks, gropes seatmate, pleasures himself, gets arrested

(Thanks to Poker)

YOU NEED IT

The Face Blanket. Seriously.

 (Thanks to Ralph)

SOON WE WILL HAVE NO CONSTITUTIONAL RIGHTS LEFT

Mother, 29, who ran through hotel naked 'after her friend stole her pants' is slapped with an obscenity charge

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson)

WE SAW THEM OPEN FOR THE MONKEES

The mysterious genes of carnivorous bladderwort reveal themselves

(Thanks to Joe in Japan)

'LIKE GETTING HIT BY A CANNON'

Rhode Island bathroom explodes with New York man inside

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson)

BUT WE ALL KNOW THE SQUIRRELS WERE REALLY BEHIND IT

After 8 centuries, rats exonerated in spread of Black Death. Gerbils implicated.

(Thanks to Rick Day, Alkali Bill, W. von Papineau and Bill Hudgins)

IN THAT CASE, SIR, YOU ARE FREE TO GO

Man tells cops he was drunk when he stole horse for ride to Mardi Gras parade

(Thanks to Andrew Mendez)

ATTENTION, WEALTHY IDIOTS:

This chocolate costs £169 per bar and you have to eat it with wooden tongs

(Thanks to Alan at Division)

IF YOU'D LIKE TO SIGN UP FOR MY MAILING LIST AND GET *EVEN MORE EMAIL* THAN YOU ALREADY DO...

...please go here.