Dave Barry's Blog

THIS JUST IN

Penis-shaped cloud gets locals giggling in Welsh town after 'unexpected' discharge

(Thanks to Ralph)

SOON WE WILL HAVE NO CONSTITUTIONAL RIGHTS LEFT

A Hillsboro man arrested after playing a violin while naked outside the federal courthouse in Portland last year is suing police.

(Thanks to Craig Roberts)

HOW CAN WE GET IN ON THIS?

94-year-old vet can't file tax return because IRS says he's dead

(Thanks to Kibby F5)

FATHER'S DAY IS COMING

'World's largest barbecue' can cook four tonnes of meat - and you could own it

(Thanks to funny man)

YOU HATE IT WHEN YOUR HEROES LET YOU DOWN

THREE-BOOBED WOMAN BUSTED FOR DUI

(Thanks to Jon Harris)

LOVE IS IN THE AIR

Frenchman creates Valentine's Day fart pills

(Thanks to Ralph)

WE THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME

Mike Tyson has recorded a track with Madonna for her upcoming album “Rebel Heart.”

(Thanks to PirateBoy, who says "it probably bites.")

OTHER THAN THAT, IT WAS THE PERFECT CRIME

The burglar had climbed on the roof at the store and managed to weasel his way into the ceiling, where he promptly fell in front of a nearby Houston police officer.

(Thanks to Janice Gelb)

THINKING OF YOU

The San Francisco Zoo is offering the burned and spurned masses the chance to "adopt" a hissing cockroach or giant scorpion in honor of their special ex-someone for Valentine's Day.

(Thanks to Jon Harris)

NEEDLESS TO SAY THEY WILL ALL BE CARRYING VALID FLORIDA DRIVERS' LICENSES

Millions of GMO insects could be released in Florida Keys

(Thanks to Craig Roberts and DaninDallas)

WHAT'S THAT SMELL?

Brooklyn graffiti artist paints portrait of Facebook's Mark Zuckerberg using his own feces

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson)

THE POST HUNT

It's on.

WHICH IS EXACTLY WHY THE PLANE HAS AN EMERGENCY EXIT

Passengers open emergency exit of overheated plane for 'fresh air'

(Thanks to Jay Brandes)

WELCOME TO FLORIDA, VACATIONING FAMILY!

Gunfire meant for iguana terrifies vacationing family

MOM TACKLES ISSUE

Mother outraged after spotting ‘satanic’ symbol in school bus brake lights

(Thanks to Bill Hudgins)

THIS BLOG'S FAVORITE FOOD CRITIC STRIKES AGAIN

Marilyn Hagerty reviews four Grand Forks McDonald's.

(Thanks to Jon Harris)

Full disclosure: This blog has a connection with Marilyn Hagerty: We both have Grand Forks sewage lifting stations named after us.

ANOTHER FUNDAMENTAL HUMAN RIGHT UNDER THREAT

A man has been questioned by police after travelling on the Beijing Metro with a watermelon on his head.

In other watermelon developments: Watermelon may soon be on its way out as Oklahoma’s official state vegetable.

(Thanks to Ralph)

TERRORISM UPDATE

Dead squirrel spoils British broadcast outside London Houses of Parliament

(Thanks to Ralph)

ATTENTION, INVESTORS:

Bigfoot believer plans IPO to fund search

(Thanks to Craig Roberts)

IN THAT CASE, MA'AM, YOU ARE FREE TO GO

Woman who left crying baby in the car to break into theme park with her boyfriend says aliens told her to do it

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson)

GETAWAY PLAN OF THE WEEK SO FAR

A Louisiana man who stole $73 worth of goods from Walmart was detained after he stupidly tried to flee on one of the store's slow-moving electric wheelchair shopping carts, police said.

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson)

L.A.

The restaurant's certified water sommelier Martin Riese, who was also responsible for Ray's & Stark Bar's 45-page water menu, will teach the $50 class and educate students on "the fundamentals of water."

(Thanks to Jay Brandes)

CSI: GARDENA

A Gardena man who was arrested Dec. 22 when a stolen 200-pound wooden Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer was found on the roof of his trailer home will not be charged with possessing stolen property.

(Thanks to klezmerpan)

FASHION UPDATE

The sight of men’s genitals at the Rick Owens’ menswear show in Paris on Thursday caused a bit of a stir on the front row

(Thanks to Peter [heh] Metrinko)

SEND THIS WOMAN (AND THE SNAKE) TO WASHINGTON

NT's Speaker Kezia Purick nabs large snake in her chicken coop

(Thanks to Ralph)

MISS UNIVERSE COMPETITION UPDATE

Stand tall, Canada.

(Thanks to Jon Harris)

DON'T ASK WHERE*

Norwegian soldiers sent on 'naked jog' catch frostbite

(Thanks to coscolo)

*In the Arctic Circle. Where did you think?

MYSTERY IN BANGKOK

Who dumped two tons of unused condoms in this empty field? 

Key Clue: According to Pol. Supoj Pensawang's insightful eyes, most of the condoms were large in size.

(Thanks to Unholy Slacker)

WHO SAYS ROMANCE IS DEAD?

Man, 20, Cops Plea To Lewd Act With Stuffed Horse Inside Walmart

You know the state.

(Thanks to Bill Hudgins)

SITZPINKLERS TAKE NOTE

German Court Upholds Tenant's Right to Pee Standing Up

(Thanks to MOTW, who says "Now if we can only get a judge to rule that men need to put the SEAT DOWN post-pee, we’ll have something.")

'WE'VE HAD A MAMMARY LAPSE'

Rupert Murdoch's The Sun Tabloid Brings Back Topless Models on Page 3

(Thanks to B'game and John Gregg)

WE SAW GIANT UNDERWATER POO CLOUD OPEN FOR THE STONES

A group of divers received a revolting surprise when they were engulfed by a giant underwater poo cloud while photographing a sperm whale underwater.

(Thanks to Chuck Cody and Allen at Division)

WE'RE NOT SAYING THIS. *SCIENCE* IS SAYING THIS.

Fathers in delivery room could make pain of childbirth worse, study suggests

(Thanks to Jon Harris)

JESUS SIGHTINGS UPDATE

Now: A dog's ear.

(Thanks to Ralph)

CSI: DUBLIN

Irish grandma busted for possessing cocaine at bingo hall

(Thanks to PirateBoy and John Gregg)

WE COULDN'T PUT IT DOWN

James Patterson is selling a $300,000 exploding book

(Thanks to Jay Brandes)

THE BAR IS PRETTY LOW

Fish Sperm Is Way More Useful Than You Think

(Thanks to Ryan Jentzsch)

ESPECIALLY IF IT'S SOMEBODY ELSE'S MAN

'Woman on top' is most dangerous sex position, scientists conclude

(Thanks to Poker and Bill Hudgins, who says "I would've said, husband or boyfriend returning unexpectedly.")

DO NOT TRY THIS AT HOME

Man Rents Excavator, Bulldozes Home Without Telling Wife: "She's Aware of it Now; We're Good"

(Thanks to Steve K and John Gregg)

WHAT'S THAT SMELL?

Portland gets its first ever cat lounge

(Thanks to Craig Roberts)

AND INFECT IT WITH 'COPACABANA'

The worms that invade your brain

(Thanks to David Emery)

'GOOD DOG'

Petco pulls dog calming supplement off the shelf after it is revealed the boozy treats are 13 percent alcohol

(Thanks to Kim Michel)

ASKING THE TOUGH QUESTIONS

Just how fertile are Houstonians in these ZIP codes?

(Thanks to Judy Barrett)

A DAY THAT WILL LIVE IN INFAMY

We can't believe it.

Thanks to Ian Clark and SCemjazz, who says:

How South Carolina celebrates the occasion:

Squirrel burgoo: 1- 3 Squirrels, 1 onion chopped, 1 can beef broth, 1 bag baby carrots, 1 can sweet corn, 3-5 red potatoes, chopped; Mix together in crock pot, set on high for 4-6hrs.  Salt & pepper to taste.

THE HAPPIEST PLACE ON EARTH

Taiwan plans to build a sex and love theme park

(Thanks to PirateBoy)

AFTER WHICH THEY WERE ALL ISSUED FLORIDA DRIVERS' LICENSES

Japanese androids hold news conference, chat with baby droids

(Thanks to John Gregg)

MISSISSIPPI RETAIL REPORT

Snake bites customer on head in Corinth Lowe's

This has been the Mississippi Retail Report.

In Other Snake News: A snake remarkably escaped from a larger snake that swallowed it whole on the Greek island of Corfu, according to recently published photographs.

'SO TO ELEVATE THEM TO THE STATUS OF STATE AMPHIBIAN, I'M NOT THERE YET'

’Creepy’ Salamander won’t be state amphibian in Idaho

(Thanks to Craig Roberts)

CSI: HUEYTOWN

Door-to-door salesman in chicken suit arrested on outstanding warrant

(Thanks to Ralph)

MEANWHILE IN SPORTS

American Tennis Player Pukes Her Way to Victory

(Thanks to Unholy Slacker)