Dave Barry's Blog

JOURNALISM

Apparently something happened in Stratford.

(Thanks to Chuck Cody)

'THEIR EXCREMENT IS EVERYWHERE'

Bats cause mayhem in courtroom

(Thanks to coscolo and DaninDallas)

OTHER THAN THAT, IT'S A GREAT RELATIONSHIP

Chaska Man Bit Off Girlfriend’s Ear, Beheaded Her Cat

(Thanks to Jim Kenaston)

THERE IS NOTHING LEFT TO BELIEVE IN

Professional wrestling star Mick Foley was ejected from the Wing Bowl eating contest Friday after stuffing uneaten chicken wings into a fanny pack.

(Thanks to Jenny Kellner)

AND IT HAS A FLORIDA DRIVER'S LICENSE

Idaho professor tells Badger Club he believes Sasquatch may live

(Thanks to Craig Roberts)

VENEZUELAN TOURISM PROMOTION OF THE DAY SO FAR

Oops.

THIS IS WHY WE BELIEVE IN PRIVATE MANURE DIGESTERS

State-financed manure digester plagued by spills, explosion

(Thanks to David Rogers)

WE'RE WAITING TO HEAR FROM A TURTLE

Crocodile Predicts Seahawks Super Bowl Victory

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson)

'NOW, I'M NOT AUTHORIZED TO EVACUATE AHWATUKEE...'

Phoenix weatherman remains professional while his weather map goes completely bonkers.

(Thanks to Jon Harris and Ralph)

YOU ARE NOW FREE TO POUND ON THE DOOR

Pilot Locked Out Of Cockpit In Flight From MN To Las Vegas

(Thanks to Jim Kenaston)

TWELFTH DUDE

Seattle pot supplier rolling thousands of joints for Seahawks fans

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson and Mac Alister)

WE THOUGHT JACK BAUER ALREADY TOOK CARE OF HIM

MILF denies harboring Marwan

(Thanks to Jay Brandes)

Related: Edgar?

(Thanks to wiredog)

JAPAN: NOT WEIRD AT ALL

Live shrimp covered in ants, anyone?

(Thanks to Jay Brandes)

GUYS IN ACTION

Trucker pulling his own tooth caused accident that congested I-20/59 near Tuscaloosa Monday

(Thanks to Ralph, who says "Of course, in Alabama the Tuscaloosa, but that is entirely ir-elephant.")

WHAT WOULD WE DO WITHOUT STUDIES?

Women are most likely to engage in a one-night stand because the other person’s looks made them yearn for the sex.

(Thanks to Allen at Division)

NOT TO TOOT MY OWN HORN, BUT

...ahem.

DESPITE THE FACT THAT SHE IS A PROFESSIONAL ACTRESS

Gwyneth Paltrow scorned for suggesting women steam-clean their vaginas

(Thanks to many people)

AT LAST

...a practical use for rabbits.

(Thanks to Vernon Bowen)

INCREDIBLY, ETC.

Florida woman soils herself, refers to cop as 'God Almighty' during traffic stop

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson)

SITTING ON A GOLD MINE

You can earn $13,000 a year selling your poop

(Thanks to Unholy Slacker)

THOSE THINGS ARE WORTH A FORTUNE ON THE STREET

1:10 p.m. A Kila man reported that someone stole one of his cabinet doors. He has a suspect in mind.

You know the county.

(Thanks to Rich Klinzman)

WHO SAYS IDEALISM IS DEAD?

Texas Tech University students try to save 11-foot snow penis from being bulldozed

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson)

THE COCKROACH PROBABLY SURVIVED

Woman blows up toilet trying to kill cockroach

(Thanks to Ralph)

OUR DOG WOULD HAVE LICKED HIM SENSELESS

A family in northern Ohio says a man trying to break into their home left behind a trail of blood after meeting their dog at the front door.

(Thanks to Bill Hudgins)

IT'S ABOUT DAMN TIME SOMEBODY SPOKE UP

#SquirrelTruth

(Thanks to Claire Martin)

GOT ANY QUARTERS, DUDE?

Marijuana vending machine to debut in Seattle

(Thanks to Craig Roberts)

AND HE APPARENTLY HAD BEEN DRINKING, SO THERE WAS NO CHANCE THAT ANYTHING COULD GO WRONG

Jerry Burkhart’s girlfriend told Metro police officers that Burkhart, a convicted felon, was “dying to try” out a new shotgun

(Thanks to Bill Hudgins)

A.K.A. ANTHONY WEINER DISEASE

According to a new study led by Ohio State University Professor Jesse Fox, men who post a lot of selfies to the web tend to exhibit higher levels of narcissism and psychopathy.

(Thanks to The Perts)

CUSTOMER SERVICE

That's what happened to a Spokane, Washington couple after they sparred about their bill with a customer service representative from Comcast. When Ricardo and Lisa Brown got their monthly service bill, the husband's name had been changed from Ricardo Brown to "A**hole Brown."

Advisory: Autoplay.

(Thanks to The Perts)

BRILLIANT

The clip was inadvertently sent to the victim whose car was broken into by the pair of criminal masterminds when the iPad they were using to make the selfie-incriminating video automatically uploaded the 52-second reveal to the real owner's iCloud account.

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson)

FIRST THE SHRINKING TOILET PAPER, AND NOW THIS

Travel ban during storm causes brief doughnut shortage in Rhode Island

(Thanks to Monique)

WHERE THE HELL IS THE UNITED NATIONS?

Toilet paper is shrinking

(Thanks to Unholy Slacker)

CRIMINAL MASTERMIND OF THE WEEK SO FAR

California man accidentally shoots himself in the leg while robbing gas station

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson)

'SMELLING STRONGLY OF HORSES'

British man accused of sex with Shetland pony

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson)

THIS WOULD BE TOTALLY ACCEPTABLE IN FLORIDA

A man is charged with drunken driving and drug possession charges after allegedly giving Crestview Police officers a Goody’s Powder package as his driver’s license.

(Thanks to Ron G.)

CSI: BEAVER COUNTY

Woman Arrested For DUI While Not Wearing Pants, Sitting On Bottle

(Thanks to Unholy Slacker)

THERE IS NO GOOD REASON FOR THOSE THINGS TO BE IN CIVILIAN HANDS

Mass. woman accused of assaulting neighbor with snow blower

(Thanks to Poker)

GUESS WHAT WAS APPARENTLY INVOLVED

Man falls into Niagara gorge while taking nap

(Thanks to The Perts)

L.A. UPDATE

Mr. Incredible convicted in Hollywood Boulevard brawl with Batgirl

This has been your L.A. Update.

(Thanks to PirateBoy)

TASTES LIKE A GIANT CHICKEN

Chinese authorities are investigating allegations that senior security officials ate a critically endangered giant salamander at a lavish banquet.

(Thanks to Craig Roberts)

MEN:

Do not click here.

("Thanks" to Dan)

GOOD THING THE DUTCH 'ARTIST' DIDN'T GET HOLD OF IT

Five days after burial, Tampa cat crawls back from grave

(Thanks to flash151)

REMINDS US MORE OF MICHELANGELO EVERY DAY

The Dutch Artist Who Turned His Dead Cat Into A Drone Is Keeping A Badger In His Freezer To Build A Submarine

(Thanks to John Mayson)

IN THAT CASE, MA'AM, YOU ARE FREE TO GO

Woman didn’t think truck was ‘that stolen’

(Thanks to Ralph)

THE DRONE WAS RELEASED AFTER PRODUCING A VALID FLORIDA LICENSE

White House Drone Crash Is Tied to Drinking by Intelligence Worker

(Thanks to Bill Hudgins)

SHE THOUGHT IT WAS RAINING

Key West food runner accused of urinating on waitress from bar balcony

(Thanks to Colleen)

CAT FIGHT!

Donald Trump blasts ‘loser’ Meet The Press host who mocked reality star’s presidential ambitions

(Thanks to The Perts)

'LOCAL CHICKS ARE BETTER'

Locally Laid Egg Company responds to offended consumer

(Thanks to Charles Cates)

IS THERE A PROBLEM, OFFICER?

Texas Police in a Dallas suburb say a drunken driver crashed into an empty squad car while officers were busy dealing with another drunken driver they had pulled over.

(Thanks to Charles Cates)

TRAFFIC ADVISORY

Interstate 81 reopens after beer truck crash near Harrisburg

It actually wasn't beer. It was Bud Light.

(Thanks to Will Dooley)