Dave Barry's Blog

THERE IS NOTHING LEFT TO BELIEVE IN

Now, for the first time in 63 years, the organization's chairwoman Julia Morley has announced that Miss World will no longer feature a swimsuit round in their competition.

(Thanks to Jon Harris)

WHAT WOULD WE DO WITHOUT STUDIES?

During the course of approximately the past year, Americans got drunkest on two days: New Year's Eve and the Saturday of St. Patrick's Day weekend.

(Thanks to John Gregg)

OKLAHOMA EDUCATION REPORT

Tempers flared after the school board voted 4-1 to fire Heather Cagle. Cagle admitted to packing 11 of her middle school students into her Honda Accord. Two of the students rode inside her closed trunk.

This has been the Oklahoma Education Report.

(Thanks to Jon Harris)

'THE SANTA SLAYER'

Nothing embodies the holiday spirit quite like building a giant slingshot that can fire shaved Christmas trees equipped with a nine-inch nail.

(Thanks to Suzie Q. Wacvet)

FASCISM CREEPS INTO NEW ZEALAND

Drink driving, brawls, and late-night lock-ins, as well as the smoking motorbike burnout in 2011, and a chainsaw being used inside the bar to cut up a log of wood on the fire, all culminated in it being shut down.

(Thanks to Bill Moore)

OK, SO WE MADE A FEW MISSTAKES

The year in media errors and corrections

(Thanks to Nate West)

'STILL IN USE'

A rare Victorian public urinal has been listed by English Heritage for its "special historical interest".

(Thanks to Ralph)

IT'S THE FIRST PLACE A CANINE UNIT LOOKS

A home invasion arrest was made Friday after a canine unit tracked a man into a backyard dog house where he was hiding from police.

(Thanks to Don Faber)

WHATEVER IT TAKES

Prostitute beats off taxman in Oslo court

(Thanks to Ed. Floden)

MEANWHILE IN SPORTS

World Pie Eating Championships collapse as 'pies are too big'

(Thanks to The Perts)

IT'S THE MOST WONDERFUL TIME OF THE YEAR

Man dressed as elf charged with DWI

(Thanks to Brian Duval, Robert Jurado, Alkali Bill, Jeff Meyerson and Ralph)

WE SAW THEM OPEN FOR THE TROGGS

U.S. group wants to give fugitive Pocatello cows a home

(Thanks to Craig Roberts)

BE ALERT FOR THE WARNING SIGNS, WHICH INCLUDE DRESSING IN TWEED JACKETS

You’ve probably already heard about “Wodehousing,” a disturbing trend in which teenagers videotape themselves covering strangers’ homes with the full text of P.G. Wodehouse novels.

(Thanks to Jon Harris)

OBJECTION

Defendant’s last fart of freedom tickles Lincoln Magistrates’ Court

(Thanks to Ralph)

'THE PROBLEM SOLVER'

This beer claims to enhance your creativity

Works for burrppp us.

(Thanks to DaveM)

SOMEHOW WE ARE NEVER BEHIND THESE PEOPLE IN TRAFFIC

Scientists locate homing signal in brain, explaining why some people are better navigators

(Thanks to coscolo)

GET THAT NOBEL PRIZE READY

Auto Inflate Whoopee Cushion

(Thanks to Jon Harris)

YOU KNOW WHO'S BEHIND THIS

West Harlem Residents Are Fed Up With ‘Aggressive’ Raccoons Terrorizing Neighborhood

(Thanks to coscolo)

FASHION ACCESSORY OF THE WEEK SO FAR

Venomous Scorpion Falls Out Of Dress When Woman Tries It On At Hayward JC Penney Store

(Thanks to John Gregg, who says "That's not what I want to see fall out of a dress.")

THIS IS WHY WE SUPPORT DOG CONTROL

Dog shoots owner with rifle

(Thanks to Jon Harris)

HE WAS RELEASED AFTER PRODUCING A VALID KLINGON DRIVER'S LICENSE

The victim told police he was playing video games when Patterson became agitated and pulled out a Bat’leth sword, which was made popular in the Star Trek series.

(Thanks to Bill Hudgins)

UNCLEAR ON THE CONCEPT

Police nab Ky. woman shoplifting during 'Shop with a Cop' event

(Thanks to Ron G.)

TOTALLY WORTH IT

Kim Kardashian fan Jordan James Parke spent $150,000 on more than FIFTY cosmetic procedures to transform into idol

(Thanks to Allen at Division)

SOME PLACES HAVE PROBLEMS WITH RODENTS

Florida finds that amusing.

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson)

DO NOT GET IN HER WAY

This Lady Is Revolutionizing the Fur Industry by Using Roadkill

"The idea of roadkill fur had been in Pamela’s head for a few years, before she actually decided to actually make it happen."

(Thanks to The Perts)

SPEAKING OF GREAT GIFT IDEAS

...this is not one of them.

(Thanks to DaninDallas and Joanne Fineberg)

IDAHO CRIME REPORT

Unfortunately our strict policy prohibits us from presenting the Idaho Crime Report.

(Thanks to The Amazing Steve)

NOTHING SAYS 'HAPPY HOLIDAYS'

...like a Hurt Locker Fake Defusable Bomb Kit.

(Thanks to ScottMGS)

HO HO HO

Strip Club Wins City Holiday Lights Contest

(Thanks to Peter Metrinko, Will Dooley and DaninDallas, who says "Honey, I just went to see the lights!")

RUMBLEDETHUMPS?

15 British Foods Hated Internationally

(Thanks to klezmerphan)

FATE

Bud Weisser charged with break-in at Lemay convenience store

(Thanks to oneblankspace)

BOLO

Somerset police on hunt for stolen sheep lick

(Thanks to Chuck Cody and Ralph)

WE BET THAT BABY WOULD UNCLOG A TOILET IN A JIFFY

Texas plumber harassed after company truck seen in Syrian war photo

Key Detail: In the photo on the Twitter feed, the name of the company is visible and the truck has been fitted with a tripod-mounted weapon, which is shown firing off a round.

(Thanks to Jan in Grimsby and Charles Indelicato)

GREAT TITS IN THE NEWS

This Adorable Bird Is Apparently a Vicious Brain-Eating Zombie in Disguise

(Thanks to Ralph)

IMAGINE THE PRANKS

Navy creates robotic underwater drone that looks and swims like a shark

(Thanks to Monique)

WE'RE GUESSING KIM KARDASHIAN'S BUTT

When you lose weight, where does the fat go?

(Thanks to Rich Steurer)

WOMEN: DO NOT MESS WITH THEM

Exhibit A

(Thanks to Jon Harris)

Exhibit B

(Thanks to John Murphy)

INCREDIBLY, THIS PLAN FAILED

As Scott moved toward the exit with the merchandise, Dupree dropped to the floor and clutched his chest. With Dupree doing his best Fred Sanford imitation, Scott walked past his sidekick. The fake heart attack, cops noted, “appeared to be done in an attempt to create a distraction long enough for Scott to exit the store, past all points of sale, without paying for the merchandise in the cart."

Guess the state.

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson)

IT'S THE MOST WONDERFUL TIME OF THE YEAR

Ore. man assaulted roommate with 6-foot spiral Christmas tree

(Thanks to Craig Roberts)

Police had to be called to a toy store in Ireland after a frenzy to buy an Elsa doll from Frozen sparked a fight among parents.

(Thanks to Jon Harris)

NOT WEIRD AT ALL!

Visitors to a toilet exhibition in Japan are being given the chance to be flushed down a giant toilet wearing a 'poo' hat.

(Thanks to Jon Harris)

DUDE, WE NEED A CLUE

Denver's First Marijuana Scavenger Hunt on January 17th.

(Thanks to PirateBoy)

We assume Andy the Tropichunt.com guy will be there.

HE WHO SMELT IT...

Curiosity catches a whiff of methane on Mars

(Thanks to DaveM)

FRANCE ON HIGH ALERT

Over 20,000 bras recalled in Japan due to injury fears

(Thanks to Jon Harris)

STAND TALL

St. Louis No. 1 In Nation For Chlamydia, No. 2 For Gonorrhea

(Thanks to Mark Schlesinger)

PROFILES IN GUY COURAGE

Man buys porn theater in an attempt to save historic Birmingham community

(Thanks to Allen at Division)

'OH GOD, IT'S MOM.'

Hero mom calls into CSPAN to berate her arguing pundit sons

(Thanks to Jon Harris and Gordon Anderson)

HEY, THEY ALREADY VOTE IN FLORIDA

Should dogs be citizens? It’s not as crazy as you think.

(Thanks to John Gregg, who says "Dogs, maybe. But not cats.")

SUDDENLY, YOUR JOB IS LOOKING BETTER

 Beneath London, There's A Revolting Battle To Keep The Sewers Free Of 'Fatbergs'

(Thanks to Jay Brandes)

WHAT SEEMS TO BE THE PROBLEM, OFFICER?

Omaha police arrest man who was driving on 4 flats, had airbag deployed

(Thanks to R. Cink, who challenges you to guess what apparently was involved.)

WE'RE ON OUR WAY

Tanker carrying 7,000 gallons of whisky rolls

(Thanks to Bill Hudgins, who says "At least it was over ice.")