Dave Barry's Blog

CHICAGO

Roach Scurries Around City Council Chamber As Pest Control Boss Testifies

(Thanks to Allen at Division and coscolo, who says "It felt right at home.")

It probably also voted.

WE CAN'T REMEMBER WHETHER WE ALREADY POSTED THIS

Seniors, Rejoice: Drinking Alcohol May Preserve Your Memory

(Thanks to Allen at Division, who says "Way ahead of you here.")

THE INTERNET

You can find anything. Anything.

Advisory: Semi-NSFW.

(Thanks to Joanne Fineberg)

BOLO

Portsmouth police seek man who asked women to see his pantyhose

(Thanks to Poker, who asks, "Possibly related to the Zebra Dress Bank Robber?")

INCREDIBLY, ALCOHOL APPEARS TO HAVE BEEN INVOLVED

Double 'wet Willy' lands airman in jail

(Thanks to Chuck Cody)

THIS TURNED OUT NOT TO BE WHAT WE THOUGHT IT WAS, THANK GOD

Chinese woman spends entire week in KFC after dumping

(Thanks to Unholy Slacker)

WEST VIRGINIA SOCIAL NOTE

Man arrested for sex with beagle

(Thanks to Bill McGeachen)

IT LOOKS AS CLASSY AS IT SOUNDS

Realistic Japanese doll dispenses drinks when you squeeze her breasts

(Thanks to Ron G.)

SMACKS OF DESPERATION

Bald Head Seeks Permit for Terminal Groin

(Thanks to SCemjazz)

GENEALOGY UPDATE

Unfortunately, our strict etc.

(Thanks to James)

'COME HERE OFTEN?'

Ferns "talk" to each other to determine their sex

(Thanks to Peter Metrinko)

MIRACULOUSSSSS

World's Longest Snake Has Virgin Birth

(W. von Papineau)

DUDE

Man accidentally texts his probation officer asking for weed

(Thanks to Larry Martell and Chris Elzi)

SCIENCE

Male Spine Motion During Coitus: Implications for the Low Back Pain Patient

(Thanks to Jon Harris)

IN THAT CASE, MA'AM, YOU ARE FREE TO GO

Oklahoma woman says she’s a witch, and she needs her meth

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson)

YOU'RE WELCOME

This Saturday night sees the return of Soulboys v Rudeboys in the Cellar bar on Eglinton Street. The brainchild of local vinyl junkie and DJ Dave Barry, the idea has been copied in clubs in Europe but it all started here in Galway.

BE ON THE LOOKOUT

Man wearing zebra-print dress robs Rochester bank

He accessorized with nylons. (On his head.)

(Thanks to Poker)

IT SEEMS UNFAIR UNTIL YOU REALIZE THERE ARE *THREE* ATTORNEYS

An Alabama man who sued over being hit and kicked by police after leading them on a high-speed chase will get $1,000 in a settlement with the city of Birmingham, while his attorneys will take in $459,000, officials said Wednesday.

(Thanks to Jon Harris)

THEY'RE FOR LINCOLN

850 voters in NYC are officially 164 years old

(Thanks to Bill Hudgins, who notes that they all have valid Florida drivers' licenses)

ALSO TOTALLY JUSTIFIED

Uncle accused of stabbing nephew over pork chop

And again, you know the state.

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson)

TOTALLY JUSTIFIED

Woman sets her flatmate on fire because he threw away her spaghetti meatballs

You know the state.

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson and Jon Harris)

BUT IT WAS CATCHY WHITE NOISE

Taylor Swift Tops Canadian iTunes Chart With Eight Seconds of White Noise

(Thanks to Ralph)

DOO-DAH, DOO-DAH

VODKA DRIP SAVES POISONED CAT

(Thanks to Kim Michel)

NATURE FACT OF THE WEEK SO FAR

Why It Pays To Be A Small Male If You're Going To A Snake Orgy

(Thanks to W. von Papineau)

SOMEBODY IS GOING TO BE SO GROUNDED

500 Pairs Of Women’s Underwear, Firearms Found In 18-Year-Old’s Room During Petaluma Burglary Investigation

(Thanks to Gargoyle Socks)

Related: Homeland Security agents confiscate Birdies’ Royals underwear

(Thanks to Jay Brandes)

NEWS YOU CAN USE

Your pumpkin can double as a beer keg -- here's how

(Thanks to Jay Brandes)

CSI: REGINA

A vehicle that was previously used for Regina's Crime Stoppers program has been stolen, according to police in that city.

(Thanks to The Perts)

'SHE ADMITTED THE UNION WAS NOT SOLIDIFIED WITH A MARRIAGE LICENSE'

An Oklahoma woman allegedly told restaurant workers her husband, Jesus Christ, would soon arrive to pay her tab

(Thanks to Ralph)

DUDE, 'SLIGHTLY?'

“John the Freak,” a slightly eccentric, easy-going guy who does “joint-rolling demonstrations” for Seattle Hempfest, has done a “how to” video for novices.

(Thanks to Craig Roberts)

NOW WITH ADDED PROTEIN

Man claims he found rodent head in chili at Cape Golden Corral

(Thanks to ubetcha)

GINGERBREAD PAT

The organic genderless gingerbread debate

(Thanks to George Byars)

OR, PLANET

Officials want South Florida to break off into its own state

(Thanks to Nelson from Michigan)

WE DON'T PAY OUR POLICE OFFICERS ENOUGH

Drunken 500-pound Apopka man couldn't fit into patrol car

(Thanks to Bill McGeachen)

BETTER SAFE THAN (burrpppp) SORRY

Drinking a Beer Can Save You From Radiation Poisoning

(Thanks to ken fineberg)

WEST VIRGINIA DINING REPORT

After being directed to not use so much nacho cheese, a man allegedly went into a tirade Sunday night and told a 7-Eleven clerk that he "eats people" and is "the biggest killer in Martinsburg" in an altercation that led to his arrest.

(Thanks to Jay Brandes)

IT WAS RUNNING VISTA. THE BEAR HAD NO CHANCE.

Man Fights Off Bear With Old Computer in Siberia

(Thanks to Ralph)

BUT YOU KNOW WHO MASTERMINDED THIS

Beaver, ravens cause power outages in the Mat-Su

(Thanks to Ralph)

THERE IS NO GOOD REASON FOR THOSE THINGS TO BE IN CIVILIAN HANDS

Woman wielded hole-punch in office attack

(Thanks to Craig Roberts)

AS IS HIS CONSTITUTIONAL RIGHT

Drunken trombone-playing clown fires gun from garage, police say

(Thanks to Jay Brandes and Ralph)

CSI: FORT COLLINS

Craft Brewer Admits He’s The Guy Responsible For Town’s Mysterious Count Chocula Shortage

(Thanks to James Fitzwilliam)

KIND OF A DEPRESSING LIFETIME, THEN

Here is the opportunity of a lifetime to live in the old stomping grounds of Wayne Newton in Garden City.

(Thanks to Jon Harris)

PLUS A 250 PERCENT MORON TAX

Second State Will Charge $1 Extra for Artisanal Ice

(Thanks to Jon Harris)

NAME THAT STATE!

Mother drove son to Holly Hill apartments to commit shooting, police say

(Thanks to Jon Harris)

CANADIAN WEATHER FORECAST

Cooler, with a 100 percent chance of dog.

(Thanks to Jan in Grimsby)

13TH CENTURY ART UPDATE

Yes, this is a tree full of penises

(Thanks to funny man)

We saw them open for Neil Diamond.

HIGHEST ALERT EVER

Teen convicted as 'armed clowns' spread panic in French towns

(Thanks to Ersin, ImNotDave and ThisMagicalEarth)

DO NOT MESS WITH THEM

Woman trapped in chimney dated homeowner after meeting online, he says

(Thanks to Alkali Bill, Claire Martin and Sharon [The Minx] Lurie)

YOU LOOK... DIFFERENT

Young women who have undergone labiaplasty surgery tell Radhika Sanghani why they were so desperate to have a 'designer vagina'

(Thanks to funny man)

HALLOWEEN IS COMING

What's that smell?

(Thanks to Suzie Q. Wacvet)

WE SAW THEM OPEN FOR THE CLASH

Sex invented by Scottish square dancing fish

(Thanks to The Perts, Robert Shaw, @OzzieDollar and Janice Gelb)