Dave Barry's Blog

GO FIGURE

A man making a finger gun with one hand while holding his pants up with the other didn't make for a super-effective robber Monday morning in downtown Seattle, according to the Seattle Police Department.

(Thanks to Craig Roberts)

URGENT HALLOWEEN ADVISORY

BEWARE.

(Thanks to Suzy Q. Wacvet and Janice Gelb)

Related item here.

(Thanks to Jeffrey Brown)       

EW

South American Lungfish Removed From Man's Bowels (GRAPHIC VIDEO)

(Thanks to Janice Gelb and Ralph, which is what you will want to do if you watch the video)

FRANCE ON HIGH ALERT

Black bears fight on suburban New Jersey street

(Thanks to funny man)

UNFORTUNATELY,

etc.

(Thanks to Unholy Slacker)

WHAT COULD POSSIBLY GO WRONG?

Spokane marijuana lounge to host kids’ Halloween party

(Thanks to Craig Roberts)

WE MIGHT HAVE BLOGGED THIS ALREADY, BUT WE DON'T WANT TO TAKE ANY CHANCES

Drunk Florida Man Tries to Use Taco as ID After His Car Catches Fire at Taco Bell

(Thanks to Claire Martin)

WE SAW EXCESS MOTHBALLS OPEN FOR THE CLASH

Neighbors say they're fed up with excess mothballs

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson)

MASTER OF DISGUISE

Police trying to arrest a man in Oregon found him in nothing but underwear, and then he ended up in his birthday suit before he was arrested in some pants he apparently found while being chased.

(Thanks to Craig Roberts)

IT WOULD BE COOL IF THEY STARTED SINGING CHRISTMAS CAROLS

Hundreds of Salamanders Gather on Homeowner’s Doorstep

(Thanks to Jay Brandes)

ARMED AND DANGEROUS

Thief distracts staff by squirting her breast milk

(Thanks to Jon Harris)

IN THAT CASE, SIR, YOU ARE FREE TO GO

Teen who filmed showering woman claims he was testing how waterproof his phone was

(Thanks to DaninDallas)

IT'S THE MOST WONDERFUL TIME OF THE YEAR

Upstate New York woman arrested twice for DWI in 3 hours, once while in zombie makeup

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson and Alan Dean)

CREEPING FASCISM UPDATE

'Naked Rambler' loses bid to have public nudity declared a human right

(Thanks to W. von Papineau)

BOLO

Seattle Police Release Photo of Man Accused of Stealing ‘Hercules’ Penis Pump

(Thanks to Mark Buckley)

OINK

The X-rated Peppa Pig biscuits come just one day after Tesco found itself in hot water for its unfortunate genitalia-shaped buttermilk logo.

(Thanks to Layzeeboy)

EAT IT BEFORE IT EATS YOU

The Zombie Hot Dog.

(Thanks to The Amazing Steve)

OOPS

Walmart apologizes over Halloween 'Fat Girl Costumes' page on website

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson)

KINKY

Reversing Course on Beavers

(Thanks to The Perts)

ATTENTION, SHOPPERS

I wrote this book a few years ago, but it has been reissued with a spiffy new cover just in time for the holiday season:

FWIW, I'm quite fond of this book.

THIS HAPPENS FAR TOO OFTEN

Man dressed as yellow Teletubbie enters friend's house uninvited, takes Chinese food

(Thanks to Chuck Cody)

UNDOUBTEDLY FOR PERSONAL PROTECTION

TSA Finds Cannon Barrel In Checked Bag Of San Francisco-Bound Passenger

(Thanks to Gargoyle Socks)

BUT IT MIGHT GET YOU KILLED IN OTHER WAYS

Sex with 21 women lowers risk of prostate cancer, academics find

(Thanks to Unholy Slacker, Jon Harris and Greg Snow, who says "The only problem is, the 21 women are extremely booked up right now.")

RIIIIIIIIGHT

Kraft has responded to the controversy over its Jell-O Jigglers college team mold trays by saying it's not intended for college students to use in alcoholic Jell-O shots.

(Thanks to Janice Gelb)

IN THAT CASE, SIR, YOU ARE FREE TO GO

Naked Man Accused Of Raping Pit Bull In Neighbor’s Yard, Says ISIS Sent Him

(Thanks to Bill Jones)

THEN HOW DO YOU EXPLAIN HUGH HEFNER?

Reptiles That Wait for Sex Live Longer

(Thanks to Bill Hudgins)

IT'S THE MOST WONDERFUL TIME OF THE YEAR

Maine woman in Hello Kitty costume arrested for drunk driving

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson)

IT'S HEAVY, BUT VERY HIGH-PITCHED, BREATHING

Bats Listen for the Sounds of Fly Sex

(Thanks to Peter Metrinko)

BE ADVISED:

Ancient Viruses Lurk In Frozen Caribou Poo

(Thanks to Gargoyle Socks)

A BOLD STRIDE FORWARD IN HALLOWEEN TECHNOLOGY

Baby-head masks.

(Thanks to Suzie Q. Wacvet)

CSI: HOUSTON

A Texas school district police officer has been charged with misdemeanor official oppression after he was accused of demanding to smell the socks and underwear of a woman he had stopped.

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson)

WHAT COULD POSSIBLY GO WRONG?

Investigators say Jeffrey Stiles, 45, of Muskegon was attending a Halloween party and decided to step outside to try and scare drivers with his zombie costume.

(Thanks to Jim Kenaston, coscolo, Bill Hudgins and Focalpoint)

ATTENTION, NOBEL PRIZE JUDGES

The world's first magnetic bottle hanger for your refrigerator.

(Thanks to Stever)

THIS JUST IN

Tesco milk packaging leaves little to the imagination

(Thanks to Unholy Slacker and Robert Mathis)

GET THAT NOBEL PRIZE READY

The Suitsy.

(Thanks to Claire Martin)

THEY WILL STOP AT NOTHING IN THEIR QUEST FOR WORLD DOMINATION

Squirrel crawls into Grand Rapids Police patrol car

(Thanks to J.R.Absher)

HMM

Woman who had no idea she was pregnant gives birth at GP surgery after going to appointment for stomach ache

(Thanks to Jon Harris)

Ladies: Stories like this always strike this blog as highly improbable. Is it really possible to be nine months pregnant and not know it?

SEE IF YOU CAN GUESS THE GENDER

Friends dare each other to lick electric fly swatter

(Thanks to Focalpoint)

SOMEBODY IS GOING TO BE SLEEPING ON THE SOFA

Drunk Chinese man falls into container full of raw sewage on shortcut home from bar

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson)

DADS:

Turn the sound up and watch this.

(Thanks to Claire Martin)

APOCALYPSE UPDATE, HALLOWEEN EDITION

"Sexy Ebola Containment Suit"

(Thanks to Jon Harris)

HE'S AN EXPERT, SO WE REALLY SHOULD LISTEN

Errol Louis Warns New Yorkers To Not Eat Ebola-Infected Poop or Mucus

(Thanks to Steve K)

WE'RE STARTING TO REALLY LIKE SCIENCE

First alcohol. And now this: Compound in cocoa found to reverse age-related memory loss

(Thanks to coscolo)

TURNS OUT SHE *DOESN'T* LIKE PINA COLADAS AND GETTING CAUGHT IN THE RAIN

A Georgia man has been charged with assaulting a woman in Eastern Kentucky because he thought she didn't match the description she had given on the Internet

(Thanks to Jon Harris)

EW

Doctors remove 9-pound hairball from teen's stomach

(Thanks to Sarah Westermann)

BE ON THE LOOKOUT FOR A SINGLE SMALL CAR

A wave of panic sparked by evil clowns stalking French towns has spread to the south of France

(Thanks to Bill Hudgins)

WHICH MEANS THEY QUALIFY FOR FLORIDA DRIVERS' LICENSES

Plants Can Tell When They’re Being Eaten

(Thanks to Focalpoint and DaninDallas)

'CHINA'S ONLY PENIS SPECIALTY RESTAURANT CHAIN'

A chef poses with a plate of yak penis

(Thanks to Ross Marks)

ADVISORY

Getting pregnant gets easier when eating ice cream

(Thanks to The Perts)

THE WILD (MID)WEST

A pack of wild coyotes in Illinois has proved to be pivotal in the capture of an Iowa fugitive.

(Thanks to Diane Bursack)