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September 21, 2014

THERE IS NOTHING LOWER

Man gets 4-month sentence for poaching geoducks

(Thanks to Craig Roberts)

UNFORTUNATE STEREOTYPE REINFORCED

Police Car Slams Into NJ Dunkin' Donuts

(Thanks to Jay Brandes)

September 20, 2014

UNCLEAR ON THE CONCEPT

School alcohol counsellor crashed car at nearly 4 times drink-drive limit

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson)

CSI: SOUTH CAROLINA

Brothers attack each other in fight over stolen okra

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson)

GUYS IN ACTION

Tipsy Australian fights off crocodile with eye-poke

(Thanks to Craig Roberts)

A NATION IN SHOCK

Honey Boo Boo's Parents 'Taking Time Apart'

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson, who says, "There is nothing left to believe in.")

September 19, 2014

THIS BE THE 1940 CENSUS UPDATE

Arrr strict policy be preventin' us from linkin' to the 1940 Census Update.

(Thanks to Unholy Slacker)

HOISTING THE YARDARM?

What In The Heck Was This Woman Doing During A Falcons Game?

(Thanks to Allen at Division, who says "She be raising his topsail.")

CELEBRITY LIFE BE HARRRRD

Demi Lovato was farted on by a fan at a meet and greet.

(Thanks to Unholy Slacker)

(APPROPRIATE PIRATE EXPRESSION GOES HERE)

Bat-wielding woman in her underwear storms elementary school

(Thanks to Bill Hudgins and Rob Simbeck)

WHO SAYS ROMANCE BE DEAD?

Michigan couple’s threesome goes awry, results in meat-flinging choke attack

(Thanks to Mr. Jeff "Trip Advisor" Greenfield)

WE BE LOSING OUR FUNDAMENTAL HUMAN RIGHTS, MATEYS

Oklahoma City man arrested for washing himself with mayonnaise in public fountain

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson)

WAL MARRRRRT

Wal-Mart de Mexico SAB, the country’s biggest retailer, is being probed by local officials after shoppers complained that a store hosted a cockfight to promote a soda company.

(Thanks to Focalpoint, who says "Cleanup on aisle 9.")

IT BE VIRAL, MATEYS

Ahoy! It's Talk Like a Pirate Day

Get ready for Talk Like a Pirate Day.

Aargh! Free donuts at Krispy Kreme.

Get free treasure on Sept. 19 for saying 'Avast, ye mateys!'

Shiver me timbers! International Talk Like a Pirate Day is on the horizon

Talk Like a Pirate Day in NYC: Where you can celebrate

 Ahoy! Your 'Talk Like a Pirate Day' primer 

Get The Most Out Of 'Talk Like A Pirate Day' With This Guide For Landlubbers

Video: Learn how to Talk Like a Pirate

THESE ITEMS BE VAGUELY RELATED

Rat runs along an escalator like a treadmill in LA subway

(Thanks Steve Hooley)

Hamster Wheel Standing Desk

FTKMBJJHZ13FDUC.MEDIUM

(Thanks to Jon Harris)

September 18, 2014

THERE IS NO GOOD REASON FOR THOSE THINGS TO BE IN CIVILIAN HANDS

Cops say man used banana to rob store

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson)

APPARENTLY SHE FOUND OUT ABOUT KEN AND SKIPPER

'Swearing' Barbie doll shocks mother as it blurts out ''What the f***?''

(Thanks to Ralph)

IT ALSO LOOKS KIND OF LIKE JESUS

Man finds piece of KFC chicken that could be shape of new UK

(Thanks to Peter Metrinko)

SEE IF YOU CAN GUESS THE STATE

Masturbating sex offender disrupts yoga class, cops say

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson)

BECAUSE WE'RE NOT OBESE ENOUGH ALREADY

Krispy Kreme offer box of 2,400 doughnuts

(Thanks to DaninDallas)

AND IT LOOKS GREAT, TOO

'Smart material' chin strap harvests energy from chewing

Smartmateria

(Thanks to Rich Steurer)

REMINDER:

TomARRRow.

EFFICIENT

Guatemala's government posted an online response to a newspaper article about the country's vice president before it was published, provoking criticism the government was spying on the country's media.

(Thanks to Ron G.)

WE SAW THEM OPEN FOR MEAT LOAF

Alligator report is false, but police do get one 'aggressive' lizard

(Thanks to klezmerphan)

THE ROOTS OF CRIME

Police were called to the Marathon on Selma Road in Springfield this morning for a disturbance, which turned out to be a dispute over Hot Pockets.

(Thanks to Trent Whitney)

JESUS SIGHTINGS UPDATE

Now: Pierogis.

(Thanks to funny man)

EVERYONE INVOLVED, INCLUDING THE DONKEYS, WAS RELEASED AFTER PRODUCING A VALID FLORIDA LICENSE

Drunken man rolls car, awakes in field with donkeys

(Thanks to Larry Martell and Ralph)

IT WAS TOTALLY ASKING FOR IT

Baker in court for head-butting £27,000 sausage roll machine when it stopped working properly

(Thanks to Chuck Cody)

THESE KIDS TODAY

BOISE, Idaho — A SUV full of teenagers crashed in Idaho after one of the passengers lit the driver's armpit hair on fire with a lighter, authorities said Wednesday.

(Thanks to Ron G., Ralph, Craig Roberts and Vickie Gray)

GREAT NEWS, LADIES!

It's Fashion Week!

2014-Fashion-Week-in-New-York_2_1

(Thanks to funny man)

September 17, 2014

THAT SHOULD BOOST ATTENDANCE

Factory gives fighter jet to head of Russian Orthodox Church

(Thanks to funny man)

DO NOT MESS WITH THEM

Female Florida body builder attacks boyfriend, snaps inside patrol car

Unnamed

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson)

THIS IS EXACTLY THE KIND OF EMERGENCY FOR WHICH 911 WAS CREATED

Man accused of calling 911 to complain about not having refrigerator

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson)

THERE IS NO GOOD REASON FOR THOSE THINGS TO BE IN CIVILIAN HANDS

Seattle police respond to report of cake assault

(Thanks to Craig Roberts)

'HE WAS UPSET BECAUSE HE'S 28 AND HAD TO MOVE BACK IN WITH HIS PARENTS'

Drunken Deltona man fires AK-47 multiple times in neighborhood

That should definitely solve the problem.

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson)

SPECIAL TOPPING

Texas pizza employee who rubbed genitals on customer's order apologizes

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson and Bill Jones,who says "Who ordered the Meat Lover's Pizza?")

CHRISTMAS IS COMING...

'Easy Rider' bike going to auction

(Thanks to Jon Harris)

Autoplay.

TO BE HONEST, WE DIDN'T EVEN KNOW WE HAD ONE

It’s 5 p.m. Do you know where your vagina is?

(Thanks to Jeffrey Brown)

September 16, 2014

STUPIDEST SURVEY EVER

Survey: Idaho has the rudest drivers in America

(Thanks to Craig Roberts)

MUCH BETTER THAN A POLL

Angry Mob Tosses Ukrainian Politician Into the Trash

Advisory: Autoplay.

(Thanks to Andrew Mendez, who says "Send this mob to Washington.")

THE GENEALOGY REPORT

Unfortunately our strict policy prohibits us from presenting the Genealogy Report.

(Thanks to Unholy Slacker)

SUAVE

Three girlfriends turn up at airport to confront boyfriend, 20, after discovering he cheated on them all ... so he fled with his granny

(Thanks to Allen at Division)

IMAGINE THE PRANKS YOU COULD PLAY WITH THIS BABY

Colossal squid weighing 350kg pulled from Antarctic

Advisory: Autoplay.

(Thanks to Janice Gelb and The Perts)

THREE DAYS TO GO, MATEYS

Arrrrr.

OTHER THAN THAT, IT WAS A LOVELY WEDDING

'There was blood everywhere'

COMMENT ADVISORY

Please be advised that the Herald "platform" (whatever that means) is changing this week. 
If you are using the Herald app to post on the blog, your comments will not appear to users (including yourself) who access the blog on a computer or on mobile devices without the app.
We are very sorry for any inconvenience...Honest! But if you think we understand enough about apps to explain why this is happening, or to do anything to change it, you are far too optimistic for your own good.

FLASHBACK TO RUSSIA

Sometimes all the international tension got to Ridley.

Dave-Ridley2

DEPARTMENT OF QUESTIONS YOU HAVE NEVER ASKED YOURSELF

How long is the average tongue?

(Thanks to Craig Roberts)

EXACTLY WHAT DETROIT NEEDS RIGHT NOW

A new Satanic religious group that debuted in Detroit this month already has encountered outspoken opposition: other Satanists.

(Thanks to Alan Dean)

BECAUSE THE NEXT STEP IS HEROIN

Student ‘entrepreneur’ suspended for selling banned non-diet pop at school

(Thanks to The Perts)

 
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