Dave Barry's Blog

THIS IS A JOKE, RIGHT?

A film adaptation of the classic ‘80s video game “Tetris” will be falling into theaters sometime in the near future.

(Thanks to John Gregg)

POLICE WERE ABLE TO CRACK THE CASE

Woman Hid Heroin In Buttocks Prosthesis

(Thanks to Chuck Cody)

HARD TO ARGUE

A 26-year-old man caught on security camera stealing said security camera admitted to officers it was a "dumbass thing to do," according to charges filed Monday in Pierce County Superior Court.

(Thanks to Craig Roberts)

RUSSIA UPDATE

I think this says Ridley and I are wanted for espionage. Also in my case for flagrant "just took a shower" hair.

THEY WON'T GET FAR ON FOOT

500 pounds of squash stolen from Pittsfield church

(Thanks to Jay Brandes)

We saw 500 Pounds of Squash open for Cream.

THE SPRING FASHION OUTLOOK

It's bright.

(Thanks to Jim Kenaston and John Gregg)

THIS JUST IN

Banner year for 'giant's penis'

(Thanks to Richard)

WHAT'S THAT SMELL?

1940.

(Thanks to mets22497)

He could have used these.

(Thanks to bayou girl)

AUSTRALIA IN MOURNING

Rugby fan drops two beers after being hit on the head with ball

(Thanks to Bill Moore)

THESE TWO THINGS MIGHT BE RELATED

Witnesses: Truck driver never hit brakes; Female passenger was naked

(Thanks to Melanie Homer)

WOOF, DUDE

Stoned dog triggers SPCA raid on Yaletown apartment

(Thanks to W. von Papineau)

'SHE NAMED IT FRANK AND STEIN'

A woman in Maine has come across a two-headed baby snapping turtle that was trying to cross the road.

(Thanks to Focalpoint, who says "Make sure you look both ways.")

HARD TO SEE HOW THIS PLAN COULD GO WRONG

A woman accused of filing a phony state tax return for $94 million was arrested when she attempted to claim her check at a Cobb County bank, Channel 2 Action News reported.

(Thanks to Jon Harris and Eric)

UNFORTUNATELY,

etc.

(Thanks to Unholy Slacker)

THE SCIENCE IS SETTLED

An Israeli psychic known for purportedly bending metal objects with his mind says Apple's bending iPhone 6 woes could be explained by "mental forces."

(Thanks to Jay Brandes)

'THE AMOUNT OF CRAP EVERYWHERE IS HORRENDOUS'

"The first thing when I walked out of my door this morning and I saw it, I thought an airplane s*** on us."

(Thanks to Unholy Slacker)

HE GETS MORE PRESIDENTIAL EVERY DAY

Donald Trump is tricked into retweeting photo of notorious British serial killers after internet prankster said they were his parents then threatens to SUE

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson)

IT WAS RELEASED AFTER PRODUCING A VALID FLORIDA LICENSE

Snake slithers out of dashboard, forces driver off I-95

(Thanks to Jon Harris)

THOSE THINGS CAN BE HIGHLY ADDICTIVE

A Florida woman may pursue legal action against police and prosecutors after she spent more than a month in jail for possession of SpaghettiOs.

(Thanks to Janice Gelb)

SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO SETTLE

Internationally acclaimed barrister Amal Alamuddin marries an actor

(Thanks to The Amazing Steve)

MODERN PROBLEMS

Do Selfies Spread Lice?

(Thanks to Monique)

BRILLIANT, DUDE

Fired UPS employee Walter Earl Morrison, 20, has been accused of stealing a valuable diamond from a UPS cargo plane and swapping the gem, which was valued at $160,000, for $20 worth of marijuana

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson)

THAT WAS FAST

Triple-breasted girl inspires Halloween outfit

(Thanks to ImNotDave)

HIGHER ED

Michigan college launches beer-making program

(Thanks to Andrew Mendez)

HE IS WELCOME TO HOARD OURS

Joseph Brucato, New York postal carrier, hoarded 1 tonne of mail

(Thanks to The Perts)

DON'T TRY THIS WITH MIAMI

Navy wants to conduct war games on Wash. coast

(Thanks to Craig Roberts)

DON'T EVEN ASK ABOUT THE 'SPECIAL SAUCE'

A Danish burger restaurant is raising customers' eyebrows - by selling sex toys alongside its food.

(Thanks to Jon Harris)

IF YOU LOOKED THAT GOOD, YOU'D BE HAPPY TOO

Colorado Man Appears Pretty Happy After Arrest

(Thanks to Pirateboy)

 

IN THAT CASE, SIR, YOU ARE FREE TO GO

Man said he fired bullet into neighbor's home because it was his only way to unload gun

(Thanks to Will Dooley)

 

MIAMI VICE

When making Miami look bad made Miami look good.

BRILLIANT

An Omagh plumber tunnelled a hole from under his bed to the local pub 800 feet from his house over the course of 15 years, a court heard today....

Kerr explained how he spent the last five years heading to the pub via his tunnel at 11pm before returning at 1am, undetected by his deep sleeping wife

(Thanks to Steve Hooley)

DO NOT MESS WITH THEM

Woman stole bat to attack car thought to belong to ex-girlfriend

It was the wrong car.

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson and Bill Hudgins)

WHO SAYS ROMANCE IS DEAD?

Naked Couple Found Having "Intimate Relations" in Richmond District Dumpster

(Thanks to Unholy Slacker)

IN THAT CASE, MA'AM, YOU ARE FREE TO GO

Woman Breaks into Apartment, Puts on Victim's Underwear, Leaves Rosary Beads

(Thanks to Monique)

ATTENTION, NOBEL PRIZE JUDGES

Spreadable Beer

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson)

Related: Beer may be good for your brain

(Thanks to Jon Harris)

WE KIND OF LIKE 'ELEVEN JINPING'

A newsreader of Doordarshan News has been sacked as she pronounced the name of Chinese President Xi Jinping as “Eleven Jinping” in a bulletin, mistaking “Xi” for the Roman numeral “XI.”

(Thanks to ligirl)

JESUS SIGHTINGS UPDATE

Now: A toilet floor.

(Thanks to Ralph)

UPDATE ON GROUNDHOGGATE

The Times is on it.

THANK YOU FOR SHARING

English-learning smartphone app teaches Japanese students to say “I just took a dump”

(Thanks to Unholy Slacker)

DUDE

Man returns rental car with 139 lbs. of pot inside, gets arrested coming back for bags

(Thanks to Larry Martell)

FLATHEAD COUNTY: WHERE TERROR NEVER TAKES A HOLIDAY

11:59 a.m. Someone called from Columbia Falls to report that a brown and black bunny was in their front yard.

Also:

4:06 p.m. A Kalispell woman reported that she is not on drugs, despite what her ex-boyfriend says.

(Thanks to Ross Holley)

IT ATTEMPTED TO DANCE ON A CRUISER

Goat 'Charged with Disorderly Intoxication'

(Thanks to Maryann)

LIMBO TIME!

"...the best traffic jam I've ever been in."

(Thanks to maryann)

RELIGION UPDATE

The controversial Pastor Lesego Daniel of Rabboni Centre Ministries, infamous for making his congregation eat grass, has struck again, this time encouraging members of his church to drink petrol after he turned it into pineapple juice.

(Thanks to Phil McAvity)

FLORIDA PARKING REPORT

This space is taken.

(Thanks to Bob Spalding)

UNCLEAR ON THE CONCEPT

Redneck Christmas Parade canceled for being too 'trashy'

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson)

HOW HE GOT THE TURTLES TO PUT ON PANTS, WE'LL NEVER KNOW

Man tried to smuggle 51 turtles in pants across border

(Thanks to Nelson from Michigan, Mac Alister and Allen at Division)

SUDDENLY SHE'S MUCH MORE POPULAR WITH THE KIDS

Grandmother who once despised profanity can’t stop swearing following a stroke

(Thanks to Focalpoint)

FRANCE ON HIGH ALERT

Washington agency tests 'salmon cannon'

The salmon is like, "No, that's OK, I'll just spawn right here."

(Thanks to Craig Roberts)

THE INTERNET:

It knows everything.