Dave Barry's Blog

THE AGONY OF DEFEAT

Orangeville man’s giant cabbage shy of world record

(Thanks to The Perts)

This picture reminds us of an excellent movie:

THE HOLIDAYS ARE JUST AROUND THE CORNER

And Toys "R" Us is READY.

(Thanks to Robert Mathis)

GOD HELP US IF A FRATERNITY GETS HOLD OF THE PLANS

Brothers build human catapult able to launch people 40 feet into a lake

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson)

FLORIDA CRIME REPORT

Unfortunatelu our strict policy prohibits us from presenting the Florida Crime Report.

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson)

WHAT'S THAT SMELL?

A Katy High School junior has perfected the “art” of sewer fishing.

(Thanks to John Gregg)

THEY WERE ALLOWED IN AFTER PRODUCING VALID FLORIDA DRIVERS' LICENSES

20 Giant Millipedes Found Alive In Bogus Toy Box At SFO Customs

(Thanks to Ralph)

A ONE-MONTH SUPPLY

Japan gov't calls on citizens to stockpile toilet paper

(Thanks to Rich Steurer)

THIS IS EXACTLY WHY WE HAVE A FEDERAL GOVERNMENT

Government publishes detailed instructions on how to safely roast marshmallows

(Thanks to Another Ralph and coscolo)

THANK YOU!

You hate autplay? This'll help.

Enjoy,

Another Ralph

BECAUSE WE NEED MORE WAYS TO GET THEM

Could we soon send emails 'telepathically'?

(Thanks to Another Ralph)

YET BUD LIGHT IS STILL AVAILABLE

Norwegian brewery pulls 'fart-smelling' beer

(Thanks to funny man)

BE AFRAID, ANDY. BE VERY AFRAID.

Andy the TropicHunt.com guy is at Dragon Con in Atlanta, where he took this picture of Florida Man:

GUYS IN ACTION

A man in Germany creates a remote-controlled, flying pizza box

(Thanks to funny man, who notes "France is on red alert.")

AGAIN, FLORIDA DEMANDS A RECOUNT

Massachusetts Has the Worst Drivers.

(Thanks to Jeffrey Brown)

NATURE

Ew.

(Thanks to Jay Brandes)

AFTER A CHASE LASTING THREE-TENTHS OF A SECOND

Using tip from social media, USDA seizes 1,200 illegal giant snails

(Thanks to Ross Holley)

TERRORISM UPDATE

Feral cat forces elementary school to close

(Thanks to Focalpoint, who says "The squirrels are behind this.")

NAME THAT STATE

Meth suspects threw toilet at imagined attackers

(Thanks to Focalpoint)

TO GET TO THE OTHER SIDE?

What’s making rocks move silently across California’s Death Valley?

Advisory: Autoplay. (We hate autoplay.)

(Thanks to The Perts)

AT STAKE: 90 ZIPPO LIGHTERS

MOORHEAD, Minn. -- An incident Monday night that ended with a Bemidji man being carted off to jail on suspicion of attacking another man with a machete and a baseball bat started with a dispute over an eBay fee, prosecutors alleged Wednesday.

(Thanks to Kevin Smith, who notes, "Moorhead is next to Fargo.")

HE CAN QUIT ANY TIME

Toronto Mayor Rob Ford getting high again — in the polls

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson)

THERE IS NO GOOD REASON FOR THOSE THINGS TO BE IN CIVILIAN HANDS

Fort Mill woman accuses boyfriend of assault with watermelon

(Thanks to Vernon Bowen)

WHEW

Doctor Who ‘lesbian-lizard’ kiss will not face investigation

(Thanks to ImNotDave)

GUESS WHAT STATE HAS FIVE OF THE TOP TWELVE

America's most dangerous intersections

(Thanks to Ron G)

BULLETIN BULLETIN BULLETIN

Kylie Minogue says her butt doesn't compare to Nicki Minaj's

(Thanks to Ralph)

WE SAW THEM OPEN FOR ZAPPA

Brain-Eating Amoeba Found in Louisiana Water Supply

(Thanks to William Price)

BUT IT'S STILL, UM, DENNY'S

The Denny’s that opens Friday in the Financial District will offer a $300 version of its popular Grand Slam wake-up — complete with a bottle of 2004 Dom Perignon Premier Cru Champagne.

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson)

THANKS, BUT WE'LL JUST KEEP RENTING

Russia: Bank offers 'free cat with every mortgage'

(Thanks to Craig Roberts)

WE BLAME GLOBAL WARMING

Mystery of 9-foot hot dog on edge of Alaska wilderness leaves trekkers perplexed

(Thanks to Mark Buckley and Steven Pudlo)

WHY SOUTH FLORIDA IS NOT LIKE WHERE YOU LIVE

A neighborhood squabbles over whether to capture Pancho the (suspected) attack crocodile:

Hardwick is pretty sure he had Pancho hooked late Tuesday night, struggling for 45 minutes to reel him in. But the croc escaped when a neighbor starting playing a U2 album.

FLATHEAD: A COUNTY ON EDGE

4:55 p.m. An employee of an Evergreen grocery store called in to talk about the “national day of rage.”

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson)

OR YOU CAN JUST ORDER A PIZZA

With Jakub Dzamba’s device, you can raise and eat your own batch of crickets every 2 months

(Thanks to The Perts)

THE LEGEND GROWS

Toronto Mayor Rob Ford had his high school players roll in goose droppings, threatened to beat up a teacher, showed up drunk at a practice and reneged on a promise to buy $5,000 worth of football helmets for his team, according to internal school board documents released today.

(Thanks to The Perts)

DION'T MESS WITH THEIR YOUNG

A woman has assaulted a Des Moines man who tossed a toaster pastry and wrapper onto the woman’s 2-year-old child in her car.

(Thanks to Kevin Smith)

HEEL!

Canadian scientists raise fish to walk on land

Next Step: Florida drivers' licenses.

(Thanks to Ross Holley)

SCIENCE WILL NOW TACKLE THE ISSUE OF SAUSAGE VS. PEPPERONI

Science declares that mozzarella is the best cheese for pizza

(Thanks to Bill Hudgins)

THOUGHTFUL

Human skull donated to Austin Goodwill store

(Thanks to Ron G.)

WE VOTE FOR THE KARDASHIAN FAMILY

If you had to put something into an oversized shoebox for somebody to see or read in the year 2389, what would it be?

(Thanks to Craig Roberts)

HOLY...

I know that Dave is aware that everyone in Holland speaks English, but it is not always the English spoken in America. Yesterday while driving home from the Eindhoven airport I nearly ran off the road when I saw a truck from a company that specializes in the transport of wood chips and "natural" fertilizer. To see the truck, click here then click on the second truck, the one for Houtsnippers (wood chips). Does it say what I think it says? Yes it does. Check the URL at the top. Is this another 'Ha ha, a funny Dutch word that sounds like a naughty English word?' No, there are plenty of those, but they are actually using the English words for the name of their business.

Living here is fun.

Your friend, Keith (I post comments to Dave's blog as Holland Daze)

WHICH MEANS SHEEP DOGS ARE SMARTER THAN MANY STUDENTS

Rounding up sheep successfully is a deceptively simple process involving just two basic mathematical rules, a study found.

(Thanks to The Perts)

'THE CHARITY BELIEVES THE BENEFITS OF A GIANT SCROTUM-SHAPED HOT AIR BALLOON ARE OBVIOUS'

A gigantic NSFW balloon called 'Skyballs' is fighting testicular cancer

(Thanks to Jay Brandes)

NOT SCARY AT ALL!

British woman spends more than $16K on cosmetic surgery to attract younger men — at age 73

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson)

GOOD LUCK

Brazilian Town Run by Women Is Looking for a Few Good (Single) Men

(Thanks to Another Ralph, who says "They were fine until one of them saw a spider...") (NOTE: This blog does not say that. Another Ralph says that.)

WHO SAYS AMERICANS AREN'T CIVIC-MINDED?

An Oct. 20 trial has been set for a Mesa woman accused of running over her husband with an SUV because he didn't vote in the 2012 presidential election.

(Thanks to Nancy Gill)

ALONG WITH A SLAB OF STONE CHARMIN

Roman toilet seat unearthed near Hadrian's Wall

(Thanks to Ralph)

FRANCE ON HIGH ALERT

FAA investigating drone flight over Panthers-Chiefs game

(Thanks to nursecindy, who says "If this had happened during a race at Lowes Motor Speedway the drone would have looked like swiss cheese in about 30 seconds.")

YUM

Squirrel brains are overlooked delicacy

(Thanks to Jeffrey Brown)

WHOOPS

However, two hours later, the man's family went to visit his body in the morgue and noticed that the body bag was moving.

(Thanks to Gargoyle Socks)

THE INTERNET

Connecting the world.

(Thanks to Will Dooley)

Related: Peeing Kids Caught in the Act at Penrose Park

(Thanks to Amanda Wolfe)

WHAT COULD POSSIBLY GO WRONG?

Disney wants to use drones for its shows

(Thanks to wiredog)