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July 18, 2014

CANADA: A NATION GRIPPED BY TERROR

Thief makes off with giant ‘Skittles’ from kids' playground

(Thanks to The Perts)

July 17, 2014

OUR FRIEND, ANDY THE TROPICHUNT.COM GUY

Here's a nice story about him.

STRIKING A BLOW FOR... SOMETHING

A self-styled 'Pastafarian' has reportedly won the right to wear a plastic colander on his head in official photos.

Pastaman167a

(Thanks to Jon Harris)

MYSTERY

I just received a shipment of books. Here's the cover:

Scan

I think this is the Japanese, or maybe Korean, version of You Can Date Boys When You're 40. But I don't know for sure. Does anybody out there know? Can anybody tell me what the cover says? Thanks.

If it is my book, I have to say it looks a lot nicer without me on the cover.

UPDATE: So It's Korean. Thanks to all who offered suggestions on what it means, including those of you who were flagrantly lying.

This came from The Amazing Steve:

Hi Dave,  A friend at work, Jong, was able to translate the cover:

What Women/Girls Want

Funniest Guy in the US Dave Barry

Very Funny and a Little Bit Helpful Parenting and Other Stories

"This book was so funny, I fell off my chair. Good thing there was a blanket to fall on" - Stephen King\

 The two lines on the upper half of the book say "Dave Barry" and the translator's name.

TELL *THEM* THAT.

150,000 Burmese pythons in the Everglades. Nothing to be afraid of.

(Thanks to Jay Brandes)

SO HOW WAS YOUR COMMUTE?

Whoa.

(Thanks to Jan in Grimsby)

THE FRIENDLY SKIES

A man suspected of being drunk posed as a security screener at San Francisco International Airport long enough to direct a couple of women into a private booth for pat downs before real security staffers caught on to him, authorities said Wednesday.

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson)

WE HATE IT WHEN THAT HAPPENS

The Western Australia Department of Fisheries said it had no visible signs of injury or disease, but had a large sea lion lodged in its throat.

(Thanks to Jon Harris)

HEY, IT COULDN'T BE ANY WORSE THAN BUD LIGHT

Why Triangle craft beer won't be brewed with sheep feces

(Thanks to Unholy Slacker)

IT WAS DELICIOUS

520-Million-Year-Old Sea Monster with Preserved Brain Unearthed

(Thanks to Bill Hudgins)

AND PROUD OF IT

Florida ranks as the scariest place in the country

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson)

EW

Toothless man charged with gumming roommate's arm for not cleaning his ear

(Thanks to Ralph, and Jeff Meyerson)

THE SHARKS WILL GET IT

Coast Guard warns of port-a-potty floating in St. Johns River

(Thanks to Ralph)

CSI: MADERA COUNTY

California man charged with stealing beeswax for drug habit

(Thanks to Jon Harris)

'ANIMALS MAKE FUNNY SOUNDS, SMELL BAD & HAVE SEX OUTDOORS'

Englewood sign warns of farm animals having sex

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson)

CRADLE OF LIBERTY, BABY

Lap dances still tax-free in Philadelphia after court ruling

(Thanks to The Perts and Chris Elzi)

FRANCE REMAINING ON HIGH ALERT JUST IN CASE

Lake Ontario ‘shark’ video turns out to be a hoax

(Thanks to The Perts)

July 16, 2014

SEND THIS AGENT TO WASHINGTON

Reporter stopped by TSA agent who didn't know District of Columbia is in US

(Thanks to Nachum Hurvitz)

A COCKTAIL TANKER IS STEAMING TO THE SCENE

Casino boat with 123 people aboard stuck on rocks

(Thanks to Jon Harris and Don Faber)

TIME FOR STRICT FEDERAL CONTROLS

Angered by the alleged slight, Hogan tossed a gumball machine at the worker, hitting him in the leg.

(Thanks to ASK)

GRANDCHILD UPDATE

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Dylan Maxwell Barry with Petey the Dog. Dylan is like: "I'm blaming that on YOU."

WE LIKED THEM BETTER WHEN THEY PARTIED

Scientists Engineered Mutant Worms That Can't Get Drunk

(Thanks to ricwms and DaninTustin)

GUYS IN ACTION

Man sets house afire while trying to kill spider with lighter, spray paint

(Thanks to Rob Lindsay, who says, "And people say the residents of Seattle are the most intelligent people in America.") (Also thanks to Craig Roberts and Rick Day)

FRANCE ETC.

A shark has allegedly been spotted in Lake Ontario.

(Thanks to The Perts)

LOOK UNDER THE SOFA CUSHIONS

2 billion Canadian pennies still out there

(Thanks to The Perts)

THEY WERE RELEASED AFTER PRODUCING VALID FLORIDA DRIVERS' LICENSES

Mysterious Chunks of Rotting Meat Close New York Highway

(Thanks to Scott Cramer, who claims he saw them open for Moby Grape)

WE SAW THEM OPEN FOR WHITESNAKE

Giant Siberian Mystery Hole

(Thanks to coscolo)

THE POINT BEING, DON'T EVER DO THAT

Woman shoots herself in face after slamming butt-end of shotgun to 'make a point'

(Thanks to Ralph)

JUST DOING OUR JOB

You predicted this several years ago in one of your columns.

Long live the Herald of Miami!

-- Your fan, Gary Vollenweider

WE BLAME GLOBAL CLIMATE CHANGE

This Iceberg Looks Exactly Like Batman

(Thankls to Colleen and Allen at Division)

BUT HOW IS THAT RELEV... OH.

Man Who Assaulted Dad After Finding Him in Bed With His Wife Gets Off Easy

(Thanks to Rob Simbeck)

July 15, 2014

THANK GOD IT WASN'T TURKEYS

A pilot who dropped 3,000 pingpong balls that were redeemable for prizes missed a crowd assembled for the stunt and instead hit a nearby interstate.

(Thanks to Craig Roberts)

WE SAW THEM OPEN FOR MOBY GRAPE

Gang of Murderous Dolphins

(Thanks to The Perts)

FRANCE ON HIGH ALERT

Threatening Maine Pig Strikes Again

(Thanks to Jay Brandes and Monique)

COMCAST CUSTOMERS:

When you have ten spare minutes and you feel like getting really worked up, listen to this.

LIVE MAS

Taco Bell employee shoots customer angry over lack of service

(Thanks to Alkali Bill and The Perts)

(We saw Alkali Bill and the Perts open for Creedence.)

NATURE

Stay classy, baboons.

(Thanks to Jan in Grimsby)

IT'S *EVEN BETTER* THAN THE ORIGINAL!

'Sharknado 2: The Second One': TV review

Talk about a creative title.

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson)

INCLUDING IPHONE COVERS

Japanese Artist Megumi Igarashi Arrested for 3D Printed Artwork Based on Her Vagina

Advisory: Not 100% SFW.

(Thanks to Jon Harris)

IT WAS ASKING FOR IT

Connecticut man arrested after stabbing watermelon

(Thanks to Focalpoint)

THERE IS NO GOOD REASON FOR THOSE THINGS TO BE IN CIVILIAN HANDS

Weaponized can of tomato paste used in robbery

(Thanks to Craig Roberts)

VERY FUNNY, UNTIL IT GETS BEHIND THE WHEEL

Squirrel Gets Drunk On Fermented Pumpkins

(Thanks to Another Ralph)

FOR A SECOND WE THOUGHT THIS WAS ABOUT WILLIAM SHATNER

What happens if you eat 112-year-old ham?

(Thanks to Peter Metrino, who says "I think I ate some of this ham in the college cafeteria back in the 70s.")

AFTER A VERY BRIEF CHASE

67 giant African snails, meant for human consumption, seized at LAX

(Thanks to Jay Brandes, The Perts, Allen at Division, Jon Harris and Craig Roberts)

IT WAS RELEASED AFTER PRODUCING A VALID FLORIDA DRIVER'S LICENSE

Possible voodoo chicken head closes down Florida road

(Thanks to Peter Metrinko, who says "I think I saw them open for the New York Philharmonic.") (Also thanks to Alkali Bill and Jeff Meyerson)

WHAT'S THAT SMELL?

Heights serial pooper could be back

(Thanks to Dan Barr, Jeff Meyerson and Rob Simbeck)

GUYS IN ACTION

A Star Trek obsessive has has boldly gone where no fan has gone before and built a replica Starship Enterprise in his basement - worth a huge £300,000.

As opposed to a small £300,000.

(Thanks to funny man, who says "sorry ladies, he's married with kids.")

24: THE NEXT DAY

Thanks to all of you who participated in this season's Jack-a-thon.

No, wait, that doesn't sound right. You know what I mean.

Thanks especially to The Amazing Steve, who was unusually amazing this year. I think we can all agree he did better than the writers, who should have followed the First Rule of Dramatic Plotting, as explained by Euripides: "When your hero has defenestrated the main villain and her son, it's time bring down the curtain."

Anyway, Audrey's gone, Chloe's free and Jack's in Russian captivity.

Above all, Edgar is still dead. For now.

Everybody get back to work.

 

July 14, 2014

24: THE FINALE

Here is where we stand as we finally head into the SEASON FINALE THANK GOD:

Jack Bauer and highly competent agent Kate Morgan are on the trail of Jack’s evil torturer nemesis Cheng, who has gained possession of the Magical Override Device, which has the power to launch any weapon from any nation anywhere on Earth as well reverse the Earth’s rotation and make long-distance phone calls for free. Cheng is working for the Russians, who have used the Device to put the USA and China on the Brink of War, and the EARTH IS DOOMED BWAHAHAHA unless Jack can save it with the aid of Agent Kate Morgan, who as we pointed out earlier is remarkably competent.

Chloe escaped from captivity by performing Chloe Fu on some of Cheng's henchdudes and is currently hiding in one of the many dense wilderness forests found around central London. We assume that tonight she will join forces with Jack and of course Agent Kate Morgan.

President William Devane, having fully recovered from death, is breaking new ground in the field of comically overdelivering his lines. In the preview for tonight's episode President Devane is seen collapsing, and he can't even do that believably. Meanwhile his annoying yet tedious daughter Audrey has fallen into Cheng's hands. In the last episode she held a secret meeting with a Chinese person for reasons we do not totally understand, after which Cheng's snipers wiped out EVERYBODY BUT AUDREY WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH THESE WRITERS?

Critics are saying there will be a major shocking plot twist tonight, and the missing 12 hours will be explained. Also according to the preview there will be a coffin. We don't know who's in it, but we have our suspicions.

Speaking of dead: Edgar still is.

Be sure to stay tuned in the comments afterward for the recap by the only person on Earth, including the writers, who actually understands the plot: The Amazing Steve.

UPDATE: The shocking plot twist is: Red velvet cake! No, wait, sorry. Too soon.

UPDATE: Jack Bauer just won the Home Run Derby, which has not even started yet.

UPDATE: If Jack Bauer competed on Master Chef, he would literally carve up the judges and THEY WOULD STILL VOTE FOR HIM.

UPDATE: "Sit." Good Audrey!

UPDATE: "We're condemning Audrey to death for nothing." FINALLY.

UPDATE: When Chloe offered to get Jack the schematics, that was HOT.

UPDATE: Wait... we own Okinawa?

UPDATE: The Ship Captain is wearing a Halloween Ship Captain outfit.

UPDATE: He manipulated Chloe. The bastard.

UPDATE: What if Audrey has to pee? (Doo-dah, doo-dah.)

UPDATE: "I'm gonna need you to draw the sniper's fire." This is why we love agent Kate Morgan.

UPDATE: THIGH! 

UPDATE: "My comm is open." Chloe you SLUT.

UPDATE: Is that Windows 8?

UPDATE: Why would the sniper fall OUT of the window? Wouldn't the laws of physics... Oh, never mind.

UPDATE: Audrey's thigh wound is already healed.

UPDATE: Oh, wait.

UPDATE: Well, we won't have her to kick around any more.

UPDATE: Jack is so sad he might not be able to go on killing people by the dozens.

UPDATE: Oh, wait.

UPDATE: Fire Extinguisher Fu!

UPDATE: Jack really DID win the Home Run derby!

UPDATE: Plot twist headed our way.

UPDATE: 12 hours later!

UPDATE: Aw. President Devane.

UPDATE: The Russians are in a WORLD of trouble now.

UPDATE: Well THAT was certainly... something.

Take it, The Amazing Steve.

IF YOU INTEND TO EAT AGAIN, EVER

...for God's sake do not click here.

(Thanks to funny man)

 
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