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July 14, 2014


Here is where we stand as we finally head into the SEASON FINALE THANK GOD:

Jack Bauer and highly competent agent Kate Morgan are on the trail of Jack’s evil torturer nemesis Cheng, who has gained possession of the Magical Override Device, which has the power to launch any weapon from any nation anywhere on Earth as well reverse the Earth’s rotation and make long-distance phone calls for free. Cheng is working for the Russians, who have used the Device to put the USA and China on the Brink of War, and the EARTH IS DOOMED BWAHAHAHA unless Jack can save it with the aid of Agent Kate Morgan, who as we pointed out earlier is remarkably competent.

Chloe escaped from captivity by performing Chloe Fu on some of Cheng's henchdudes and is currently hiding in one of the many dense wilderness forests found around central London. We assume that tonight she will join forces with Jack and of course Agent Kate Morgan.

President William Devane, having fully recovered from death, is breaking new ground in the field of comically overdelivering his lines. In the preview for tonight's episode President Devane is seen collapsing, and he can't even do that believably. Meanwhile his annoying yet tedious daughter Audrey has fallen into Cheng's hands. In the last episode she held a secret meeting with a Chinese person for reasons we do not totally understand, after which Cheng's snipers wiped out EVERYBODY BUT AUDREY WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH THESE WRITERS?

Critics are saying there will be a major shocking plot twist tonight, and the missing 12 hours will be explained. Also according to the preview there will be a coffin. We don't know who's in it, but we have our suspicions.

Speaking of dead: Edgar still is.

Be sure to stay tuned in the comments afterward for the recap by the only person on Earth, including the writers, who actually understands the plot: The Amazing Steve.

UPDATE: The shocking plot twist is: Red velvet cake! No, wait, sorry. Too soon.

UPDATE: Jack Bauer just won the Home Run Derby, which has not even started yet.

UPDATE: If Jack Bauer competed on Master Chef, he would literally carve up the judges and THEY WOULD STILL VOTE FOR HIM.

UPDATE: "Sit." Good Audrey!

UPDATE: "We're condemning Audrey to death for nothing." FINALLY.

UPDATE: When Chloe offered to get Jack the schematics, that was HOT.

UPDATE: Wait... we own Okinawa?

UPDATE: The Ship Captain is wearing a Halloween Ship Captain outfit.

UPDATE: He manipulated Chloe. The bastard.

UPDATE: What if Audrey has to pee? (Doo-dah, doo-dah.)

UPDATE: "I'm gonna need you to draw the sniper's fire." This is why we love agent Kate Morgan.


UPDATE: "My comm is open." Chloe you SLUT.

UPDATE: Is that Windows 8?

UPDATE: Why would the sniper fall OUT of the window? Wouldn't the laws of physics... Oh, never mind.

UPDATE: Audrey's thigh wound is already healed.

UPDATE: Oh, wait.

UPDATE: Well, we won't have her to kick around any more.

UPDATE: Jack is so sad he might not be able to go on killing people by the dozens.

UPDATE: Oh, wait.

UPDATE: Fire Extinguisher Fu!

UPDATE: Jack really DID win the Home Run derby!

UPDATE: Plot twist headed our way.

UPDATE: 12 hours later!

UPDATE: Aw. President Devane.

UPDATE: The Russians are in a WORLD of trouble now.

UPDATE: Well THAT was certainly... something.

Take it, The Amazing Steve.


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Tears of Rampagement


That Chinese chopper knife is worth another 10 shots of vodka!

Cheng- your ass is "gwass".

I'm not sure but I think Jack just killed one of the camera guys.

Everybody was Kung Fu Fighting!

Jack's gone nukular!

Jack may be on fire, but a fire extinguisher won't put him out.

Perimeter breached!


Weapon posture


Jack go get them

I love the meat cleaver! Nice Touch!

cindy, you too funny!

facial recognition might be a problem

OH yeah..the machete!!!!!! MY kinda guy!

Decapitation time!

Somebody let me know when this part this over. *hides eyes*

Where did Jack get a meat cleaver? Allez cuisine!

Do we trust the Mark replacement?

There's got to be a Wei out of this...


Chinese chopper and samurai sword beheading! Yessss! DRINK!

Excellent family entertainment

We have loss of head!

Head in a Bag!

Off with your head!

Heads Up!

Cheng ain't alive no mo, President BigAsk.

lol @ heller!

"in our custody"


Cheng's lost his head.

Cheng is kinda not alive and his parts are in our custody.

Perimeter, and I've already run out of booze! I love this show.

Oh, just sink 'em, Mr. President. Damn.

So many perimeters, so little vodka left.


"We sank your carrier by accident. Do you want us to sink the rest of your fleet on purpose?"

head's up jack !

President lied....Chang is not alive....

Oh, you really do need to sit down.

We can even negotiate the transfer of a commemorative head.

Wow. Talk about whipsawed emotions for Heller...

Geez, way to break it gently.

Now the Prez is going to lose his head.

Heller: Turn your ships around!

Chinese Prime Minister: No.

Heller: Last chance before we retaliate. Turn those ships around.

CPM: Okay, but we'll need lots of reparations.

See what you did, Mark?? SEE?

Who's the VP?

Hellers, failing like rain!

Now, granted, I wasn't an Audrey fan, but you don't just say "your daughter's dead." You ease into it a bit.

Well, that's not the reaction WE had to seeing Awwdrey die.

Hey, they told him to sit down.

Aaaaaannnd...exit Heller.

Who called the feinting.???...dead on...

He'll never be the head of a major corporation...

Last time Jack was on a boat, it didn't work out so well.

Uh-oh! What happened to Chloepatra?

Noooooooo, don't let Bauer lose Chloe too!


Please tell me they didn't get Chloe!

The Russians have Chloe!!!!

The Russians

No silent clock ...

Jack's reign of kick-a**edness is not over yet.

is it a new date?

Ooo, only one side of the conversation - what mystery!!

Another plot twist coming?

Twister remake? Why?

Whats up Now ? They only have 14 minutes...

jack was on bauersonly.com and found a new date!! or chloe did it for him!

Return of Nina?

Heller forgot to take his heart and altzheimers meds.
and when he heard Auwdrey was dead...he collapses.

Who will be the new President? I pray its Allstate!!!

Dammit, the Russians are going to start the war now? Jack, bring your sword!

Tony Almeida says: https://twitter.com/tony_almeida/status/488856818073214977

Maybe the blood was just from removing her Chloepatra Eyeliner®?

Bill and Karen wouldn't have let this stuff happen.

Memo to Richard Rawlings: You'd do better using the flamethrower ON the Dart.

I think Yoda and the clone troopers should land now and take over earth. That would be a good ending.

I hate commercials.

Nina laughs.

15 mins to get to 11am ?

Just got a call from my mom about Awwwdrey: "Well, we got our wish..."

Boy, I feel refreshed after 12 hours of sleep.

If Jack finds out that Chloe is dead there will be nothing left of London by the time he's through.

Kate's government career has come to a screeeeeching halt. Losing the Pres' daughter carries an automatic written warning.

The Amazing Steve will have fun telling us all that took place during those missing 12 hours!

No, Kate. We need you. Jack needs you. NO!

Your linkie thingie, Roy ...

Tony Almeida says:


So is Kate quitting over Awwwdrey, or is she quitting because she and her husband got screwed over by CIA?

Pat F it also goes on her permanent record.

Why do you give a damn, Mark.

Slap that weasel.

Will the head Of the Russians be
a) WIlliam Shatner, represiing his Denny Crane role?
b) Boris from the Bullwinkle show?
c)Fearless leader from the Bullwinjle show?
d) Marwan?

he can go back to selling gold now....

How's the President?

Boarding ...

are we suppose to be sad about awdry ?

...And suddenly it's daylight?

Twist! Jack is in the coffin trying to "revive" Awwdrey.

hey they twicked me!

That's Awwdwey in that casket. They were trying to fool us.

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