24: THE FINALE
Here is where we stand as we finally head into the SEASON FINALE THANK GOD:
Jack Bauer and highly competent agent Kate Morgan are on the trail of Jack’s evil torturer nemesis Cheng, who has gained possession of the Magical Override Device, which has the power to launch any weapon from any nation anywhere on Earth as well reverse the Earth’s rotation and make long-distance phone calls for free. Cheng is working for the Russians, who have used the Device to put the USA and China on the Brink of War, and the EARTH IS DOOMED BWAHAHAHA unless Jack can save it with the aid of Agent Kate Morgan, who as we pointed out earlier is remarkably competent.
Chloe escaped from captivity by performing Chloe Fu on some of Cheng's henchdudes and is currently hiding in one of the many dense wilderness forests found around central London. We assume that tonight she will join forces with Jack and of course Agent Kate Morgan.
President William Devane, having fully recovered from death, is breaking new ground in the field of comically overdelivering his lines. In the preview for tonight's episode President Devane is seen collapsing, and he can't even do that believably. Meanwhile his annoying yet tedious daughter Audrey has fallen into Cheng's hands. In the last episode she held a secret meeting with a Chinese person for reasons we do not totally understand, after which Cheng's snipers wiped out EVERYBODY BUT AUDREY WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH THESE WRITERS?
Critics are saying there will be a major shocking plot twist tonight, and the missing 12 hours will be explained. Also according to the preview there will be a coffin. We don't know who's in it, but we have our suspicions.
Speaking of dead: Edgar still is.
Be sure to stay tuned in the comments afterward for the recap by the only person on Earth, including the writers, who actually understands the plot: The Amazing Steve.
UPDATE: The shocking plot twist is: Red velvet cake! No, wait, sorry. Too soon.
UPDATE: Jack Bauer just won the Home Run Derby, which has not even started yet.
UPDATE: If Jack Bauer competed on Master Chef, he would literally carve up the judges and THEY WOULD STILL VOTE FOR HIM.
UPDATE: "Sit." Good Audrey!
UPDATE: "We're condemning Audrey to death for nothing." FINALLY.
UPDATE: When Chloe offered to get Jack the schematics, that was HOT.
UPDATE: Wait... we own Okinawa?
UPDATE: The Ship Captain is wearing a Halloween Ship Captain outfit.
UPDATE: He manipulated Chloe. The bastard.
UPDATE: What if Audrey has to pee? (Doo-dah, doo-dah.)
UPDATE: "I'm gonna need you to draw the sniper's fire." This is why we love agent Kate Morgan.
UPDATE: THIGH!
UPDATE: "My comm is open." Chloe you SLUT.
UPDATE: Is that Windows 8?
UPDATE: Why would the sniper fall OUT of the window? Wouldn't the laws of physics... Oh, never mind.
UPDATE: Audrey's thigh wound is already healed.
UPDATE: Oh, wait.
UPDATE: Well, we won't have her to kick around any more.
UPDATE: Jack is so sad he might not be able to go on killing people by the dozens.
UPDATE: Oh, wait.
UPDATE: Fire Extinguisher Fu!
UPDATE: Jack really DID win the Home Run derby!
UPDATE: Plot twist headed our way.
UPDATE: 12 hours later!
UPDATE: Aw. President Devane.
UPDATE: The Russians are in a WORLD of trouble now.
UPDATE: Well THAT was certainly... something.
Take it, The Amazing Steve.
Cleaver!
Posted by: Cheesewiz | July 14, 2014 at 09:38 PM
Tears of Rampagement
Posted by: homeybeef | July 14, 2014 at 09:38 PM
OH WOW!
That Chinese chopper knife is worth another 10 shots of vodka!
Posted by: Gennita Low | July 14, 2014 at 09:38 PM
Cheng- your ass is "gwass".
Posted by: rockin01 | July 14, 2014 at 09:38 PM
I'm not sure but I think Jack just killed one of the camera guys.
Posted by: nursecindy | July 14, 2014 at 09:38 PM
Everybody was Kung Fu Fighting!
Posted by: bleeeper | July 14, 2014 at 09:38 PM
Jack's gone nukular!
Posted by: Pat F. | July 14, 2014 at 09:39 PM
Jack may be on fire, but a fire extinguisher won't put him out.
Posted by: tropichunt.com guy™ | July 14, 2014 at 09:39 PM
Perimeter breached!
Drink!
Posted by: Gennita Low | July 14, 2014 at 09:39 PM
Weapon posture
Posted by: Cheesewiz | July 14, 2014 at 09:39 PM
NUKULAR! DRINK!
Posted by: tropichunt.com guy™ | July 14, 2014 at 09:39 PM
Jack go get them
Posted by: Brad | July 14, 2014 at 09:39 PM
I love the meat cleaver! Nice Touch!
Posted by: ZiggyManicotti | July 14, 2014 at 09:39 PM
cindy, you too funny!
Posted by: bleeeper | July 14, 2014 at 09:39 PM
facial recognition might be a problem
Posted by: ligirl | July 14, 2014 at 09:40 PM
OH yeah..the machete!!!!!! MY kinda guy!
Posted by: Siouxie | July 14, 2014 at 09:40 PM
Decapitation time!
Posted by: bleeeper | July 14, 2014 at 09:40 PM
Somebody let me know when this part this over. *hides eyes*
Posted by: nursecindy | July 14, 2014 at 09:40 PM
Where did Jack get a meat cleaver? Allez cuisine!
Posted by: Sharkhead | July 14, 2014 at 09:40 PM
Do we trust the Mark replacement?
Posted by: Pat F. | July 14, 2014 at 09:40 PM
There's got to be a Wei out of this...
Posted by: tropichunt.com guy™ | July 14, 2014 at 09:40 PM
YES!
Posted by: Wes S. | July 14, 2014 at 09:40 PM
Chinese chopper and samurai sword beheading! Yessss! DRINK!
Posted by: Gennita Low | July 14, 2014 at 09:40 PM
Excellent family entertainment
Posted by: Cheesewiz | July 14, 2014 at 09:41 PM
We have loss of head!
Posted by: danceswithvowels | July 14, 2014 at 09:41 PM
Head in a Bag!
Posted by: bleeeper | July 14, 2014 at 09:41 PM
Off with your head!
Posted by: Ednamode | July 14, 2014 at 09:41 PM
Heads Up!
Posted by: ZiggyManicotti | July 14, 2014 at 09:41 PM
Cheng ain't alive no mo, President BigAsk.
Posted by: Pat F. | July 14, 2014 at 09:41 PM
lol @ heller!
Posted by: ligirl | July 14, 2014 at 09:41 PM
"in our custody"
Posted by: homeybeef | July 14, 2014 at 09:41 PM
WHOA!!!
Posted by: BevfromNYC | July 14, 2014 at 09:41 PM
Cheng's lost his head.
Posted by: Siouxie | July 14, 2014 at 09:41 PM
Cheng is kinda not alive and his parts are in our custody.
Posted by: tropichunt.com guy™ | July 14, 2014 at 09:41 PM
Perimeter, and I've already run out of booze! I love this show.
Posted by: Pat F. | July 14, 2014 at 09:41 PM
Oh, just sink 'em, Mr. President. Damn.
Posted by: bleeeper | July 14, 2014 at 09:41 PM
So many perimeters, so little vodka left.
Posted by: Gennita Low | July 14, 2014 at 09:41 PM
Blech!
Posted by: nursecindy | July 14, 2014 at 09:41 PM
"We sank your carrier by accident. Do you want us to sink the rest of your fleet on purpose?"
Posted by: Wes S. | July 14, 2014 at 09:42 PM
head's up jack !
Posted by: ligirl | July 14, 2014 at 09:42 PM
President lied....Chang is not alive....
Posted by: LeDud | July 14, 2014 at 09:42 PM
Oh, you really do need to sit down.
Posted by: Renee (the First) | July 14, 2014 at 09:42 PM
We can even negotiate the transfer of a commemorative head.
Posted by: danceswithvowels | July 14, 2014 at 09:42 PM
Wow. Talk about whipsawed emotions for Heller...
Posted by: Wes S. | July 14, 2014 at 09:42 PM
Geez, way to break it gently.
Posted by: Renee (the First) | July 14, 2014 at 09:42 PM
Now the Prez is going to lose his head.
Posted by: Gennita Low | July 14, 2014 at 09:42 PM
Heller: Turn your ships around!
Chinese Prime Minister: No.
Heller: Last chance before we retaliate. Turn those ships around.
CPM: Okay, but we'll need lots of reparations.
Posted by: funny man | July 14, 2014 at 09:43 PM
See what you did, Mark?? SEE?
Posted by: Pat F. | July 14, 2014 at 09:43 PM
Who's the VP?
Posted by: Cheesewiz | July 14, 2014 at 09:43 PM
Hellers, failing like rain!
Posted by: danceswithvowels | July 14, 2014 at 09:43 PM
Now, granted, I wasn't an Audrey fan, but you don't just say "your daughter's dead." You ease into it a bit.
Posted by: MareBear | July 14, 2014 at 09:43 PM
Well, that's not the reaction WE had to seeing Awwdrey die.
Posted by: tropichunt.com guy™ | July 14, 2014 at 09:43 PM
Hey, they told him to sit down.
Posted by: KJP | July 14, 2014 at 09:43 PM
Aaaaaannnd...exit Heller.
Posted by: Wes S. | July 14, 2014 at 09:43 PM
Who called the feinting.???...dead on...
Posted by: LeDud | July 14, 2014 at 09:43 PM
He'll never be the head of a major corporation...
Posted by: Sharkhead | July 14, 2014 at 09:43 PM
Last time Jack was on a boat, it didn't work out so well.
Posted by: Pat F. | July 14, 2014 at 09:43 PM
Uh-oh! What happened to Chloepatra?
Posted by: Wes S. | July 14, 2014 at 09:44 PM
Noooooooo, don't let Bauer lose Chloe too!
Posted by: Gennita Low | July 14, 2014 at 09:44 PM
no NOT CHLOE!!!
Posted by: ligirl | July 14, 2014 at 09:44 PM
Please tell me they didn't get Chloe!
Posted by: nursecindy | July 14, 2014 at 09:44 PM
The Russians have Chloe!!!!
Posted by: BevfromNYC | July 14, 2014 at 09:44 PM
The Russians
Posted by: homeybeef | July 14, 2014 at 09:44 PM
No silent clock ...
Posted by: danceswithvowels | July 14, 2014 at 09:44 PM
Jack's reign of kick-a**edness is not over yet.
Posted by: tropichunt.com guy™ | July 14, 2014 at 09:44 PM
is it a new date?
Posted by: kleeeper | July 14, 2014 at 09:45 PM
Ooo, only one side of the conversation - what mystery!!
Another plot twist coming?
Posted by: bleeeper | July 14, 2014 at 09:45 PM
Twister remake? Why?
Posted by: homeybeef | July 14, 2014 at 09:45 PM
Whats up Now ? They only have 14 minutes...
Posted by: LeDud | July 14, 2014 at 09:45 PM
jack was on bauersonly.com and found a new date!! or chloe did it for him!
Posted by: kleeeper | July 14, 2014 at 09:45 PM
Return of Nina?
Posted by: Trent | July 14, 2014 at 09:45 PM
Heller forgot to take his heart and altzheimers meds.
and when he heard Auwdrey was dead...he collapses.
Who will be the new President? I pray its Allstate!!!
Posted by: funny man | July 14, 2014 at 09:46 PM
Dammit, the Russians are going to start the war now? Jack, bring your sword!
Posted by: Gennita Low | July 14, 2014 at 09:46 PM
Tony Almeida says: https://twitter.com/tony_almeida/status/488856818073214977
Posted by: Roy Campbell | July 14, 2014 at 09:46 PM
Maybe the blood was just from removing her Chloepatra Eyeliner®?
Posted by: danceswithvowels | July 14, 2014 at 09:46 PM
Bill and Karen wouldn't have let this stuff happen.
Posted by: Pat F. | July 14, 2014 at 09:47 PM
Memo to Richard Rawlings: You'd do better using the flamethrower ON the Dart.
Posted by: Wes S. | July 14, 2014 at 09:47 PM
I think Yoda and the clone troopers should land now and take over earth. That would be a good ending.
Posted by: LeDud | July 14, 2014 at 09:47 PM
I hate commercials.
Posted by: nursecindy | July 14, 2014 at 09:47 PM
Nina laughs.
Posted by: Gennita Low | July 14, 2014 at 09:47 PM
15 mins to get to 11am ?
Posted by: ligirl | July 14, 2014 at 09:48 PM
Just got a call from my mom about Awwwdrey: "Well, we got our wish..."
Posted by: Wes S. | July 14, 2014 at 09:48 PM
Boy, I feel refreshed after 12 hours of sleep.
Posted by: Gennita Low | July 14, 2014 at 09:48 PM
If Jack finds out that Chloe is dead there will be nothing left of London by the time he's through.
Posted by: nursecindy | July 14, 2014 at 09:49 PM
Kate's government career has come to a screeeeeching halt. Losing the Pres' daughter carries an automatic written warning.
Posted by: Pat F. | July 14, 2014 at 09:49 PM
The Amazing Steve will have fun telling us all that took place during those missing 12 hours!
Posted by: Trent | July 14, 2014 at 09:49 PM
No, Kate. We need you. Jack needs you. NO!
Posted by: tropichunt.com guy™ | July 14, 2014 at 09:49 PM
Your linkie thingie, Roy ...
Tony Almeida says:
I LOVED THIS LEVEL IN CALL OF DUTY! #24LAD
LOL!
Posted by: danceswithvowels | July 14, 2014 at 09:49 PM
So is Kate quitting over Awwwdrey, or is she quitting because she and her husband got screwed over by CIA?
Posted by: Wes S. | July 14, 2014 at 09:49 PM
Pat F it also goes on her permanent record.
Posted by: nursecindy | July 14, 2014 at 09:50 PM
Why do you give a damn, Mark.
Posted by: Loudmouth | July 14, 2014 at 09:50 PM
Slap that weasel.
Posted by: LeDud | July 14, 2014 at 09:50 PM
Will the head Of the Russians be
he
a) WIlliam Shatner, represiing his Denny Crane role?
b) Boris from the Bullwinkle show?
c)Fearless leader from the Bullwinjle show?
d) Marwan?
Posted by: funny man | July 14, 2014 at 09:50 PM
he can go back to selling gold now....
Posted by: kleeeper | July 14, 2014 at 09:50 PM
How's the President?
Boarding ...
Posted by: danceswithvowels | July 14, 2014 at 09:50 PM
are we suppose to be sad about awdry ?
Posted by: ligirl | July 14, 2014 at 09:50 PM
...And suddenly it's daylight?
Posted by: Wes S. | July 14, 2014 at 09:50 PM
Twist! Jack is in the coffin trying to "revive" Awwdrey.
Posted by: tropichunt.com guy™ | July 14, 2014 at 09:51 PM
hey they twicked me!
Posted by: kleeeper | July 14, 2014 at 09:51 PM
That's Awwdwey in that casket. They were trying to fool us.
Posted by: bleeeper | July 14, 2014 at 09:51 PM