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July 14, 2014

24: THE FINALE

Here is where we stand as we finally head into the SEASON FINALE THANK GOD:

Jack Bauer and highly competent agent Kate Morgan are on the trail of Jack’s evil torturer nemesis Cheng, who has gained possession of the Magical Override Device, which has the power to launch any weapon from any nation anywhere on Earth as well reverse the Earth’s rotation and make long-distance phone calls for free. Cheng is working for the Russians, who have used the Device to put the USA and China on the Brink of War, and the EARTH IS DOOMED BWAHAHAHA unless Jack can save it with the aid of Agent Kate Morgan, who as we pointed out earlier is remarkably competent.

Chloe escaped from captivity by performing Chloe Fu on some of Cheng's henchdudes and is currently hiding in one of the many dense wilderness forests found around central London. We assume that tonight she will join forces with Jack and of course Agent Kate Morgan.

President William Devane, having fully recovered from death, is breaking new ground in the field of comically overdelivering his lines. In the preview for tonight's episode President Devane is seen collapsing, and he can't even do that believably. Meanwhile his annoying yet tedious daughter Audrey has fallen into Cheng's hands. In the last episode she held a secret meeting with a Chinese person for reasons we do not totally understand, after which Cheng's snipers wiped out EVERYBODY BUT AUDREY WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH THESE WRITERS?

Critics are saying there will be a major shocking plot twist tonight, and the missing 12 hours will be explained. Also according to the preview there will be a coffin. We don't know who's in it, but we have our suspicions.

Speaking of dead: Edgar still is.

Be sure to stay tuned in the comments afterward for the recap by the only person on Earth, including the writers, who actually understands the plot: The Amazing Steve.

UPDATE: The shocking plot twist is: Red velvet cake! No, wait, sorry. Too soon.

UPDATE: Jack Bauer just won the Home Run Derby, which has not even started yet.

UPDATE: If Jack Bauer competed on Master Chef, he would literally carve up the judges and THEY WOULD STILL VOTE FOR HIM.

UPDATE: "Sit." Good Audrey!

UPDATE: "We're condemning Audrey to death for nothing." FINALLY.

UPDATE: When Chloe offered to get Jack the schematics, that was HOT.

UPDATE: Wait... we own Okinawa?

UPDATE: The Ship Captain is wearing a Halloween Ship Captain outfit.

UPDATE: He manipulated Chloe. The bastard.

UPDATE: What if Audrey has to pee? (Doo-dah, doo-dah.)

UPDATE: "I'm gonna need you to draw the sniper's fire." This is why we love agent Kate Morgan.

UPDATE: THIGH! 

UPDATE: "My comm is open." Chloe you SLUT.

UPDATE: Is that Windows 8?

UPDATE: Why would the sniper fall OUT of the window? Wouldn't the laws of physics... Oh, never mind.

UPDATE: Audrey's thigh wound is already healed.

UPDATE: Oh, wait.

UPDATE: Well, we won't have her to kick around any more.

UPDATE: Jack is so sad he might not be able to go on killing people by the dozens.

UPDATE: Oh, wait.

UPDATE: Fire Extinguisher Fu!

UPDATE: Jack really DID win the Home Run derby!

UPDATE: Plot twist headed our way.

UPDATE: 12 hours later!

UPDATE: Aw. President Devane.

UPDATE: The Russians are in a WORLD of trouble now.

UPDATE: Well THAT was certainly... something.

Take it, The Amazing Steve.

Comments

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Hotels.com EW EW EW EW.

Yeah. I'm going to stay in a hotel that has commercials showing crazy people. Sure.

I regret watching that hotels.com advert. Except for the punchline. That was decent.

Time is going faster and faster, arrrghhh.

Everyone regrets that ad, Captain O.

They need to shoot hotels.com's Captain Obvious in the thigh for that one...

Okay prediction. Chloe dies and goes to join Edgar in heaven proving Nitchke is dead.

so who's going to pre-order the DVD?

shirley i'm not blunt . . .

NUKULAR!! *DRINK*

NUKULAR! DRINK!

If I hear another "nukular," I may have to go Red Velvet Cake on somebody's ass.

Nuculeer rediness.

Fox writers AND marketing department must be on drugs
again. Promo for the DVD of this series and they say
"see a character from the past come back."

Let me count the ways: Jack, Chloe, Adrian, Cheng,
just to name a few.

Everybody is trying to be clear, clear?

Heller forgot he doesn't want to fight.

More bad accents!

I sense this is the set of Iron Man 3...

"defensive positions"...thats a perimeter of sorts....drink for Gods sake....

Jack and Chloe. As it should be.

What did I tell you? Chloepatra Eyes are back!

"Once your forces cross the twelve-mile limit off Okinawa..."

That's letting them a little too close, innit? And isn't Okinawa more than two hours' steaming time from the Chinese mainland?

wait - what happened to her mascara ???

London is apparently a very small, rural place without traffic. That is the only explanation to Jack being able to find Chloe in about 10 minutes...

Um, isn't it the other way around? Doesn't everyone trust Jack and not Chloe?

Dave, last time I was in Okinawa we didn't own it. Chloe's Jack's only friend? I bet his FB page doesn't get much action.

Chloe: "At this point I think I'm the only friend you have left."

Well, that settles it: Chloe's toast. Dammit.

The CIA would only slow Jack down.

oh, now it's back

Chloe: Adrian manipulated me, and he came up with the Captain Obvious ploy.

Did I hear Jack tell Chloe "get the talking gekko"?

I think the red velvet is affecting me....

Wouldn't it be great if at the very end Audrey is still sitting there ?

Kate! If they make this much darker I'm not going to be able to see any thigh shooting.

Audrey . . . is HOT!

Kate Morgan, don't save Awwwwdrey! Make her stand up!

Okay, Awwdrey, stand up.

I like your plan, Kate

YES! Draw the sniper's fire! Please!

snork @ LeDud!

Yes, make a sudden movement, Auwwwdrey! A big one!

Nooooo! They missed her? How?

thigh shot !

She didn't nod and that was an awful plan.

Only a flesh wound, alas...

Audrey in da thigh! DRINK!

Awdrey still alive...darn...She has more lives that an
alley cat....

waterproof laptop.

Backdoor satellite sounds so dirty.

It was only a thigh-threatening shot.

How does Jack's henchman get around so fast & so well - he's incredible!!

Chloepatra's laptop is waterproof?

Locksmithing by Jack.

It does sound dirty Gennita. Or maybe that's just how our minds work.

yes pat just like her eye makeup

If "backdoor satellite" isn't the name of an X-rated cable channel, it should be.

Is it too early to suggest the casket that will show
up will be for the death of the integrety of this series?

Awwwedrey's thighs are waterproof. And bulletproof.

I logged in late, but I did see all the poetry. Incredible. I may frame some.

Snork@Chloepatra.

Chloe's going to hook directly into the World Cup feed, to make sure GER isn't up to anything untoward, 'cuz it's pretty late in the season for a new combatant.

What can be better than a superhero raccoon?!

weave audrewwwww awone!

Jeter's in the all star game ? WTF ? Excuse my french.

T-Mobile reversed Debbie Harry's age.

Audrey makes me Changry

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yRa4VOoPmj0

Somebody needs to shoot the Sonic mixer guys in the thigh, too.

Wasn't that Day 2, funny man?

Walmart people have odd colors to their face. Hmmmmm

Will the backdoor satellite reverse the override into an underride?

This finale is wasting too much time on Awwdrey.

Standby, Awwwedrey, bwahaha.

Jack is red hot!

Dude, the colors!

Satellites with back doors is that anything like a screendoor on a sub?

Oh crap. Belchek is expendable in this scene, isn't he?

OMG, backdoor satellite is a video game!

We don't own own Okinawa, we just refuse to leave.

I'm not sure there's enough alcohol for all this shooting.

Double tap ala Zombieland.

Lots of drinking in this segment!

Really, Jack and Russian Jack are the best team

*snork* @ loudmouth

There's never enough alcohol, thc.

So is Jack just running around indiscriminately killing random people now?

"This is MY boat now." - Jack "Somali" Bauer

Chloe rocks!!!

Chloe tapped into the Queen's private survelliance network. She's amazing!


Looks like a video game designed by Bill Gates...

The guy with Jack is a dead man isn't he ?

Best. Video. Game. Evah.

guns of many bullets.

Defensive formation! DRINK!

Not hearing anything from Awwdrey is a good thing.

Call you corpsmen!

NO, TAKE YOUR TIME KATE!

SHOOT HER!!!!

Kill her!

IT ONLY TOOK 7 SEASONS.

crap...she lives.

Lead poisoned sniper!

DAMN. He missed Awwwedrey!

So who is that guy with Kate??

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