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July 14, 2014

24: THE FINALE

Here is where we stand as we finally head into the SEASON FINALE THANK GOD:

Jack Bauer and highly competent agent Kate Morgan are on the trail of Jack’s evil torturer nemesis Cheng, who has gained possession of the Magical Override Device, which has the power to launch any weapon from any nation anywhere on Earth as well reverse the Earth’s rotation and make long-distance phone calls for free. Cheng is working for the Russians, who have used the Device to put the USA and China on the Brink of War, and the EARTH IS DOOMED BWAHAHAHA unless Jack can save it with the aid of Agent Kate Morgan, who as we pointed out earlier is remarkably competent.

Chloe escaped from captivity by performing Chloe Fu on some of Cheng's henchdudes and is currently hiding in one of the many dense wilderness forests found around central London. We assume that tonight she will join forces with Jack and of course Agent Kate Morgan.

President William Devane, having fully recovered from death, is breaking new ground in the field of comically overdelivering his lines. In the preview for tonight's episode President Devane is seen collapsing, and he can't even do that believably. Meanwhile his annoying yet tedious daughter Audrey has fallen into Cheng's hands. In the last episode she held a secret meeting with a Chinese person for reasons we do not totally understand, after which Cheng's snipers wiped out EVERYBODY BUT AUDREY WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH THESE WRITERS?

Critics are saying there will be a major shocking plot twist tonight, and the missing 12 hours will be explained. Also according to the preview there will be a coffin. We don't know who's in it, but we have our suspicions.

Speaking of dead: Edgar still is.

Be sure to stay tuned in the comments afterward for the recap by the only person on Earth, including the writers, who actually understands the plot: The Amazing Steve.

UPDATE: The shocking plot twist is: Red velvet cake! No, wait, sorry. Too soon.

UPDATE: Jack Bauer just won the Home Run Derby, which has not even started yet.

UPDATE: If Jack Bauer competed on Master Chef, he would literally carve up the judges and THEY WOULD STILL VOTE FOR HIM.

UPDATE: "Sit." Good Audrey!

UPDATE: "We're condemning Audrey to death for nothing." FINALLY.

UPDATE: When Chloe offered to get Jack the schematics, that was HOT.

UPDATE: Wait... we own Okinawa?

UPDATE: The Ship Captain is wearing a Halloween Ship Captain outfit.

UPDATE: He manipulated Chloe. The bastard.

UPDATE: What if Audrey has to pee? (Doo-dah, doo-dah.)

UPDATE: "I'm gonna need you to draw the sniper's fire." This is why we love agent Kate Morgan.

UPDATE: THIGH! 

UPDATE: "My comm is open." Chloe you SLUT.

UPDATE: Is that Windows 8?

UPDATE: Why would the sniper fall OUT of the window? Wouldn't the laws of physics... Oh, never mind.

UPDATE: Audrey's thigh wound is already healed.

UPDATE: Oh, wait.

UPDATE: Well, we won't have her to kick around any more.

UPDATE: Jack is so sad he might not be able to go on killing people by the dozens.

UPDATE: Oh, wait.

UPDATE: Fire Extinguisher Fu!

UPDATE: Jack really DID win the Home Run derby!

UPDATE: Plot twist headed our way.

UPDATE: 12 hours later!

UPDATE: Aw. President Devane.

UPDATE: The Russians are in a WORLD of trouble now.

UPDATE: Well THAT was certainly... something.

Take it, The Amazing Steve.

Comments

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Stupid questions, but did Jack ever actually find the override device?

I was in the U.S. for a month and did not once remember to watch Jack. And, now back in N.Z., I'm pretty sure no one broadcasts Jack. Pretty much a win win going on. Dammit.

danceswithvowels and others, I'm also on twitter under the same name I use here.

Yeah...what happened to the override gizmo ? On the ship I guess. A pirate version is probably in the works and will be sold by those cable overide companies.

Snorks @ Andy THG for "Jack's in the coffin trying to revive Auwdrey" and "I envy Heller. He's gonna forget all this happened."

So, andy, any nominations for your choice of
Line(s) of the night from the bloggers?

Has anyone seen the Amazing Steve? OMG THE RUSSIANS HAVE STEVE TOO! NOOOOOOOOOOO!

All I want is Chloe's video game.

I liked the "Chloepatra" line someone threw out. Snork.

;-)

I believe Chloepatra is GLow's invention, LeDud. Can't be repeated enough!

I think "Chloepatra" is probably the snark of the season, myself.

*agrees w Wes*
all in favor say 'aye' . . .

yes - we've got Chloepatra ayes ;)

Almost done! Hang on!

Hah, ligirl! How's that relate to Barry Daves's ayes?

Previously on “24”, we discovered: Heller plays pick up sticks with pills; Chinese spies travel via UPS; The Chinese President looks like Gorbachev; Chloe can hide in her sleep; Jack thinks he can stop bleeding by yelling; Audrey was about to be recaptured, ending the story on a happy note, but we have one hour left for her to somehow screw that up for everyone.

The following takes place between 10pm and 11 am, which is kind of weird, even for “24”:

10 pm – Audrey's still on the bench. Cheng told her not to move from the bench, or she'd be killed. So, of course, Shao wakes back up, only being mostly dead. Shao attempts to tell Audrey to stay the heck away from her, but Audrey tries to help her anyway, and the sniper kills Shao. Cheng tells Audrey not to move and that he double-swears-cross-his-fingers-hopes-Jack-dies that he really, really means it this time. Audrey sits back down, looking like the worse person ever to feed pigeons, ever.

In the Russian embassy, which at the moment is completely devoid of Russians, Mark, Kate and Jack search for something to tell them where Cheng is. Jack discovers a secret compartment, marked "Secret Compartment – Hit Here!" in a drawer. It's got a cell phone! Jack uses the dead Deputy Minister's dead thumb to unlock the phone, and it has three messages on it. It has three e-mails about money for a shipment! They guess that's where Cheng is going to be, since they were all signed "Hugs, Cheng".

Mark's phone rings, and he's horrified that someone sent him a picture of Audrey. Cheng calls, and tells them all that Audrey will die instantly if they go after him. For some reason, they don't immediately go sprinting out of the building after Cheng.

Mark tries to argue that they need to save Audrey. Kate and Jack both look at him with an "oh well!" look. Then Mark gets really personal and tells Jack, "She loves you!" Jack immediately does what anyone else in would do in the same circumstance… he yells, "SHUT UP!" That was a very mean thing of Mark to say.

Kate and Jack discuss tactics further, and they decide Kate will go after Audrey. Jack is going after Cheng.

10:07pm - For some reason The President decides he wants to tour make-shift CIA headquarters and shows up there right during the middle of this crisis. Fortunately, all the military tactical personnel and equipment has moved as well, and in under 15 minutes. The military guys tell Heller that the Chinese are heading towards Okinawa. They all want to raise the nuclear alert level.

Chloe stumbles out of the woods looking like she really misses her workstation. A passing car stops. A couple jump out of the car, tell her that she looks just like "Chloe..you know, on '24'!". She asks to use their cell phone. She calls Jack.

Chloe tells Jack that Adrian isn't going to be releasing secrets any time soon, and that she wants to help Jack in any way she can. She convinces Jack that he should trust her, and he drives to pick her up. She signs autographs for the couple while she waits.

COMMERCIAL

10:13 pm - Heller is on the video phone with the President of China. Heller does exactly what many Americans do when speaking to foreigners, he talks very slowly. It turns out that the Chinese President speaks English better than Heller does. Heller warns him that if the warships cross the twelve mile limit, there's going to be a fight!

Cheng arrives at the dock in his UPS van full of his guys. The captain says they're going to leave in fifteen minutes. Cheng wants to use express delivery, but the captain warns him that they're not going to be able to get them to speak passable Danish any sooner than 15 minutes.

At in the middle of nowhere, Jack drives up and Chloe gets in the car. Jack asks, "What the hell happened? You OK?" Chloe replies that's her new makeup, and he shouldn't be so judgmental. Also, she got banged up getting away from Cheng.

Jack tells Chloe where the laptop is, and she writes some subroutines while they discuss what happened. Chloe believes that Adrian used her knowledge to build the override device. That makes perfect sense, since Chloe is the only person on Earth that could build a device that could mimic her capabilities in getting into systems. She feels this is all her fault.

Chloe wants to know why Jack is alone, because perimeters are hard to make with only one person. He explains that they need Cheng alive, which surprises Chloe, since most people Jack goes after end up dead. Jack further explains that Audrey is pinned down by a sniper. Chloe doesn't see much wrong with this, since it is Audrey after all, but when she sees the look of distress on Jack's face she apologizes again.

10:16pm - Audrey, still on the park bench looks really nervous, especially since she didn't ask Cheng if she could go to the bathroom before she started to have to sit still.

Audrey's phone rings! She looks down at it, presses the button… it's Kate! The very first thing Kate tells her to do is don't do anything that makes it looks like she's in communication with anyone. And ESPECIALLY don't look down at the phone and press a button. Doing something like that would be SURE to tip off the sniper.

Kate tells Audrey to answer a couple of questions. Audrey stomps her foot on the ground answering "Yes" and "No" questions. Kate determines that Audrey has no idea where the sniper is, but thinks she has a good way of figuring it out. She's going to make Audrey move around a bit so the sniper will shoot at her when she makes a sudden movement! Sound like a completely safe plan to Audrey, so she goes along with it.

Audrey suddenly jumps up, and instead of ducking for cover, she moves straight towards the building she's facing. In exchange, the sniper gives her a bullet. In her park bench. (Not a euphemism). While this was going on, Kate watched for the sniper and thinks she knows where he is.

The sniper calls Cheng and tells him what just happened with Audrey. Cheng says that if the sniper sees anything unusual, such as sudden movement towards the house where the sniper is, looking down at a cell phone, not crying when shot… he has authorization to kill Audrey.

Kate calls Jack to let him know they're going to try to take out the sniper. Jack suggests that Kate shoot him, instead of trying to date him.

Jack and Chloe arrive, and Belachek is there waiting with a nice gun for Jack. Chloe can't get online to change her Facebook status, so she makes a run for the nearby satellite dish she spots. She runs off; Jack follows and yells for her. She stops, and Jack shoots a very dangerous looking door, which does not return fire. Jack thanks Chloe for everything, and asks her to pay off his satellite bill after she hacks into it.

COMMERCIAL

10:24 pm – Kate calls Audrey. Audrey AGAIN looks down at the phone and presses a button, which is apparently is completely not suspicious to anyone. Kate tells her as soon as she hears gun fire, do NOT run towards it. Run away. Audrey stomps the ground once, indicating she understands. In her own little Audrey way, she understands.

Chloe's spent the last few minutes building a compete ISP using the satellite dish, a spare telephone and an empty bottle of Guinness. She's got an infrared Predator view of the cargo ship and will help Jack navigate through everything to kill some bad guys.

Jack and Belachek take out five guys immediately as they make they're way through the cargo container area at the dock. Then, just for fun, they try practice some Olympic Synchronized Sniper Shooting and take out two more simultaneously. The judges away a 10 out of 10, but seem very nervous as they hold up their cards.

10:26 pm – Jack and Belachek continue to make their way across the cargo area, occasionally pointing at midair, which they use to scare midair. They make it to the boat, and to celebrate, they shoot another guy. Chloe informs them that there are about a dozen other "heat signatures", which is CIA talk for warm bodies that are about to become cold bodies. Chloe thinks that Cheng is near a communication tower, since a lot of guys with guns are near it.

Inside that tower, Cheng's best hacker has figured out that someone is screwing around with the area's satellite dish, since he can't get the Food Network very clearly. Cheng asks the captain to contact his men, who, if they could contact him at this point, would be contacting him from "the other side". When that doesn't work, Cheng tells his hacker to do something about it. The Chinese hacker guy tells Cheng he's going to try to mirror the intruder's screen. Cheng tells everyone to find whoever is on the ship.

Chloe tells Kate that she has to make her move right away, or they're going to have one less Audrey pretty soon.

Cheng gives the kill order!

The sniper, who's been sitting there with the scope on Audrey this whole time takes a couple of seconds to really line up the shot even better. Kate runs out and yells "Peek-a-boo!" and shoots at the window. Audrey leaps, but only moves a few feet away so she can see what happens. Another agent joins in on shooting. The sniper, being thrown back by all the gun fight, falls forwards instead of backwards, and out the window – dead!

Since there is no possible way there was more than one Chinese agent in the area, they all feel pretty comfortable with Audrey being out in the open. Kate calls Erik while they stand around. Kate informs Erik they they need some CIA help, and that they've got Audrey. Erik seems completely bewildered about what's happening, which is right in line of everyone else who has ever been in charge of something Jack is associated with. Erik orders guys over to help Jack.

Chloe is busy freaking out that someone is messing with her Internet, and tries to get it back, because she was right in the middle of posting something to Twitter.

Cheng pulls a gun and orders the captain to start the engines, and that they're leaving. The captain tells everyone of his guys to leave. For some reason they don't get the heck away from Cheng, and start the boat engines.

Jack and Belachek hear this, and Jack tells Belachek to go downstairs and do whatever he has to, to stop the boat.

Chloe, Audrey and the other agents take a leisurely stroll back to the gate where their cars are parked. Someone suddenly runs up and starts shooting in their direction! Two agents go down, and the guy runs off.

They all turn around, and Audrey discovers she's been shot! Kate yells a lot, which is what Jack did to try and stop the Russian from bleeding, but it doesn't work. Audrey cries one last tear, and closes her eyes. Jack is NOT going to be happy about this. Unless she comes back as a zombie. Which might have already happened. We're not sure.

COMMERCIAL

10:36pm – At makeshift headquarters, the military guys are pretty pumped up about unleashing military stuff but Heller tells them to wait. Someone comes in and tells Heller's assistant he needs a word. The assistant gets the news (which we presume is about Audrey) and he makes every effort not to jump for joy.

Back on the boat, Jack and Belachek get into position. Kate decides this is the perfect time to tell Jack that Audrey is dead. Jack looks really bewildered. He pulls out his hand gun… he looks like he's about to do something really bad to himself. He hears some guys coming and decides to go all Jack Bauer on them, and mows a bunch of them down as soon as he sees them.

Jack calmly walks through the kitchen area, shoots a couple of guys and then shows off his knife skills by throwing a butcher's cleaver at someone, killing them.

Down in the engine room, Belachek's gun convinces the guy starting the engine to start stopping the engine.

Upstairs, Jack makes his way into the room where Cheng is. One of Cheng's guys goes out to see where Jack is. It turns out that Jack has a knife waiting for the guy's throat. This, as you might imagine, hurts enough to where Jack is able to steer the guy back into the room using him as a shield. Jack shoots the other people in the room, and then finishes off his human shield, just to be sure he's really good and dead.

Cheng tries to shoot Jack, but Jack kicks the gun out his hand. Cheng tries to use martial arts moves on Jack, but they can't counteract Bauer-Fu. Jack is so on fire with his moves that Cheng tries to use a fire extinguisher on him, but that doesn't work. After breaking Cheng's arm, Jack takes him down, telling him, "You should have stayed hidden like a rat! You're going to die an old man!"

Meanwhile, the Chinese carries have crossed the line and Heller tells the military guys they have permission to start fighting, which gets them super excited. Right at that moment, Jack calls in, so Heller tells them to stand down. This gets the military guys super-unexcited.

Jack, somehow, has a video call going back to Makeshift CIA Headquarters, and he shows everyone that Cheng is alive. CIA links with the Chinese, so they get the same video feed, which probably surprises the Chinese because they had an unlisted number.

While the facial recognition software does it thing, Gavin wishes he was using some of the apps on his phone, because they can do facial recognition much more quickly.

Jack yells at Cheng to admit who he is. Cheng doesn't say anything. Jack notices that the room they're in has all the standard issue Danish ship equipment, including a samurai sword. Jack grabs it and holds it to Cheng's neck, yelling at him to say who he is. Cheng finally say, "I'm Senior Chang!" and they get a facial and voice match. CIA confirms, and the screen goes blank.

10:42 pm – Heller leaves the room. And The Assistant With Audrey News goes with him.

Now off camera, Jack tells Cheng, "This is for Audrey!" He attempts to give Cheng a really close crew cut, but misses and cuts off his head. That's going to be a little awkward to explain.

Heller is on the video link with The Chinese President That Looks Like Gorby telling him that since Cheng is alive, this proves everything that he's been saying all along. The Chinese President says he'll look into it. Heller tells the Chinese President, now would be a good time to turn the ships around, since they're getting towards the end of the program, and having an all out war at the end of the season would be a bad way to end things. The Chinese President agrees, and orders his ships turned back. We hear swearing from over where the military guys are.

The assistant tells Heller he better sit down for the news he's about to give him. The assistant tells him the news about Audrey, and Heller falls to the floor. Mark looks on, and realizes something bad has happened.

Jack and Belachek run to find Chloe back where she was hiding…but she's not there! And there's Chloe blood on the ground! Jack gets a phone call. It's someone asking if he'd like to switch his long distance service. He hangs up. He gets another call, but we can't tell who it is. All we know is that Jack will be there for a meeting that's being set up.

COMMERCIAL

10:50 AM – Twelve Hours Later! Whoa! Sorry… I must have dozed off.

Kate hands in her report to Erik. Erik tells her that it wasn't her fault about Audrey. Kate gives him a look as if to say, "DUH!". She still looks upset though. We can tell even after she goes into her glass office. She lays down her badge and gun.

Mark's in a holding cell crying about his really bad day. Erik comes in and informs him he's won an all expense paid trip to Levinworth. Mark asks about the President, and Erik tells him they won't be dating anymore.

Prime Minister Frye tries to comfort Heller as Audrey's casket is unloaded. Heller admits he's losing his memory, and he'll never remember what happened to get him on this show in the first place. He walks Audrey's casket along with the military guard escorting it.

10:55pm - Somewhere outside London, a helicopter lands, because they do that freely around London. Jack and Belachek arrive. There are guns on Jack everywhere. It's the Russians. And they look very Russian.

It's an exchange for Chloe! They take her out of the helicopter. Jack and Chloe start marching for the exchange. When they meet in the middle, Jack tells her the she really is his best friend and asks that she look in on his family.

When Chloe is safe, and Jack is with the Main Russian Guy, Jack does the typical Jack thing and threatens him. Jack says that if Chloe or his family is messed with in anyway, he'll come out of another retirement and do another "24" show. Maybe even one that is "24" episodes this time.

Jack gets on the helicopter with the Russians as Belachek and Chloe run for the car.

The helicopter takes off.

11:00 am – TIME'S UP! THAT'S IT!

Thanks to my friend John, who does a quick read on these things before I post them, correcting a zillion mistakes (I counted once….one zillion) so I sound better than I really am.

Thanks to everyone who takes the time to read these things too.

Most of all, thanks to Dave for hosting all this crazy stuff for us and playing along with these posts I do. Without him, we'd all be loose on streets on Monday nights, and nobody wants that.

I've heard Chloe will be wearing enough makeup to cover a tennis court. The finale starts in 35 minutes and I'll be watching Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzz the good parts.

I'm thinking a motivational book next. Jack's 7 Deadly Habits of Covert Operatives. I'm OK, You're Dead. The Schematic of your Life. How to Get Rid of the Moles in Your Life. Everything I Need I Learned In Kindergarten...On the Firing Range. What Color is Your Chloe. The Power of Positive Thinking About Bullets.

Thanks, The Amazing! We'd be Lost without you. And that would be a very confusing mixup of unrelated shows!

Marvelous, Amazing Steve! Thanks. And thank you too, Dave! This has been the highlight of my week, one hour at a time.

Another fantastic feat of superhuman writering, and another seasonally melancholy moment, however shortened. ;-)

Great job, Steve! Thank you for doing these recaps!

amazing, steve: you + dave (+ many others) make all that silliness even sillier !

Another amazing job Steve! I've really enjoyed all of your recaps.

*SNORK* Chloe just tweeted:

If you try calling Cheng, it's going straight to voice mail

Steve's recap >>>>> The episode

Stellar job as always, Amazing Steve!

All those perfect times to murder Audrey, and they wait for the last ten minutes.

Good wrap Steve. Better than the original. See you again tomorrow in a couple of years.

Excellent as always, Steve. See you next season.

Can't believe Audrey rated a silent clock.

Was Prime Minister Jeeves the weakest world leader ever or what?

The Russians never searched Jack. He could have half a dozen hand grenades and any number of guns, knives or whatever on his person. The only question is when will he unleash them and go all Bauer on them.

So I'm guessing the next version will only be 6 hours and Chloe will be the next President's National Security Adviser.

Or next season will be Jack getting sent to Siberia. Poor Siberia.

But at least we'll get more funny/violent Russian dashcam videos out of it, so we'll have that going for us...

Steve: excellent job, as always.

Way to go, Steve, Ligirl, and all the others!

I watch on dvr delay so my only comments are:

When President Heller arrives at makeshift CIA headquarters, along with all the military brass with top secret clearances there is one woman--apparently also with top secret clearance--whose only job is to take the President's fashionable winter coat off his shoulders...

Also, I'm suggesting that July 14 be remembered as a holiday in honor of Cheng/Zheng, who earlier managed to silence Awwdrey for years by brainwashing her and now has--if the stake in the heart is applied quickly--removed her permanently. We still mourn Edgar and all of Jack's worthy female friends, and we miss The Hobbit, but we just felt a sense of relief when she stopped whining for the last time. STAY IN THE LIGHT, AUDREY!

July 14: On this day in history, Billy the Kid was killed in 1881; Johnny Ringo was killed in 1882, and Cheng was decapitated by Jack Bauer in 2014.

:P

FUNNY stuff AS. I don't know why but I laughed hardest at this one:

In exchange, the sniper gives her a bullet. In her park bench. (Not a euphemism).

Am I the only one who envisioned Pres. Heller telling the Chinese president, "Oh, by the way, we'll be Fed Exing Cheng back to you. Look for two boxes."

was anyone else expecting Jack to detonate a suicide vest as the helicopter took off?

Just want to finish up with a belated kudosnork to ligirl for Chloepatra Eyes. You're in the wrong business, kiddo!

Steve, you are the only television show I "watch." Thank you for all the snorking you provide!

Cheers from a lurker who gets great enjoyment from reading the comments a couple of days after each ep Thanks Amazing one for the awesome recaps - they truly do make more sense than the show!.

Dave and the Miami Herald, thanks so much for hosting the blog. The first thing I did when hearing of 24's return was check this space. It was so nice having an encore of Monday night get togethers! Maybe we'll do it again another day!

Thanks, everyone!

I DVR'd this season but always read your reviews Steve.

Thanks for another season!

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