24: THE FINALE
Here is where we stand as we finally head into the SEASON FINALE THANK GOD:
Jack Bauer and highly competent agent Kate Morgan are on the trail of Jack’s evil torturer nemesis Cheng, who has gained possession of the Magical Override Device, which has the power to launch any weapon from any nation anywhere on Earth as well reverse the Earth’s rotation and make long-distance phone calls for free. Cheng is working for the Russians, who have used the Device to put the USA and China on the Brink of War, and the EARTH IS DOOMED BWAHAHAHA unless Jack can save it with the aid of Agent Kate Morgan, who as we pointed out earlier is remarkably competent.
Chloe escaped from captivity by performing Chloe Fu on some of Cheng's henchdudes and is currently hiding in one of the many dense wilderness forests found around central London. We assume that tonight she will join forces with Jack and of course Agent Kate Morgan.
President William Devane, having fully recovered from death, is breaking new ground in the field of comically overdelivering his lines. In the preview for tonight's episode President Devane is seen collapsing, and he can't even do that believably. Meanwhile his annoying yet tedious daughter Audrey has fallen into Cheng's hands. In the last episode she held a secret meeting with a Chinese person for reasons we do not totally understand, after which Cheng's snipers wiped out EVERYBODY BUT AUDREY WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH THESE WRITERS?
Critics are saying there will be a major shocking plot twist tonight, and the missing 12 hours will be explained. Also according to the preview there will be a coffin. We don't know who's in it, but we have our suspicions.
Speaking of dead: Edgar still is.
Be sure to stay tuned in the comments afterward for the recap by the only person on Earth, including the writers, who actually understands the plot: The Amazing Steve.
UPDATE: The shocking plot twist is: Red velvet cake! No, wait, sorry. Too soon.
UPDATE: Jack Bauer just won the Home Run Derby, which has not even started yet.
UPDATE: If Jack Bauer competed on Master Chef, he would literally carve up the judges and THEY WOULD STILL VOTE FOR HIM.
UPDATE: "Sit." Good Audrey!
UPDATE: "We're condemning Audrey to death for nothing." FINALLY.
UPDATE: When Chloe offered to get Jack the schematics, that was HOT.
UPDATE: Wait... we own Okinawa?
UPDATE: The Ship Captain is wearing a Halloween Ship Captain outfit.
UPDATE: He manipulated Chloe. The bastard.
UPDATE: What if Audrey has to pee? (Doo-dah, doo-dah.)
UPDATE: "I'm gonna need you to draw the sniper's fire." This is why we love agent Kate Morgan.
UPDATE: THIGH!
UPDATE: "My comm is open." Chloe you SLUT.
UPDATE: Is that Windows 8?
UPDATE: Why would the sniper fall OUT of the window? Wouldn't the laws of physics... Oh, never mind.
UPDATE: Audrey's thigh wound is already healed.
UPDATE: Oh, wait.
UPDATE: Well, we won't have her to kick around any more.
UPDATE: Jack is so sad he might not be able to go on killing people by the dozens.
UPDATE: Oh, wait.
UPDATE: Fire Extinguisher Fu!
UPDATE: Jack really DID win the Home Run derby!
UPDATE: Plot twist headed our way.
UPDATE: 12 hours later!
UPDATE: Aw. President Devane.
UPDATE: The Russians are in a WORLD of trouble now.
UPDATE: Well THAT was certainly... something.
Take it, The Amazing Steve.
Must be a really old picture of TAS, as last weeks
was more
enticingpopular.Checking in way early with my perimeter ready!!!
Posted by: funny man | July 14, 2014 at 08:14 PM
The mysterious truth behind Steve's mind is beyond the ken of mortal man. Link-clickers beware. This may be your final warning.
Posted by: Elon | July 14, 2014 at 08:20 PM
Chloepatra Eyes (thanks to Gennita Low)
Her hair is black & bold
Her lips - a pout, chastise
Her mind is uncontrolled
She's got Chloepatra eyes
She'll turn her taser upon you
She won't have to think twice
She's pure as New York snow
She's got Chloepatra eyes
She'll take & hack your phone
It whets her appetite
She'll win your Game of Drones
She's got Chloepatra eyes
And she'll tase you
She'll amaze you
All the better just to phase you
She's precocious
and she knows just how to
make you lose your focus
She stood by - and Watched EDGAR DIE ! ! !
She's got Chloepatra eyes
Posted by: ligirl | July 14, 2014 at 08:21 PM
@ligirl: Excellent.
Posted by: Wes S. | July 14, 2014 at 08:24 PM
Brava, ligirl!
Posted by: Pat F. | July 14, 2014 at 08:32 PM
Does the Cougar make an appearance tonight?
Posted by: Ednamode | July 14, 2014 at 08:34 PM
I think it's safe to say that Jack will inevitably save the world tonight. Shocker, I know.
Posted by: Siouxie | July 14, 2014 at 08:37 PM
Ha! Great job, ligirl!
Posted by: Steve (The 24 Guy) | July 14, 2014 at 08:37 PM
In honor of this half-
assedseason of 24, we present:The Haiku Guide to 12
(One verse per hour)
11:00 AM - 12:00 PM
Jack can still kick ass:
He busts Chloe out of stir.
(Our spies are still tools.)
12:00 PM - 1:00 PM
Jack gets shot. No prob.
Floozy offs Yates using the
World’s sharpest Q-tip.
1:00 PM - 2:00 PM
Terror family:
Floozy, hubby, hacker bro
And a peeping Mom.
2:00 PM - 3:00 PM
While Jack decrypts key,
Simone displeases Mommy,
Gives her the finger.
3:00 - 4:00 PM
Mommy has six drones.
Jack, Audrey re-unite. Gag.
New tac team needed!
4:00 - 5:00 PM
Jack and Kate team up.
Kate, in chains, kills two guys. Hot.
Oh, look. Wow. A mole.
5:00 - 6:00 PM
Jack picks up Simone,
Drives through town while Margot plays
Missile Whack-a-Mole.
6:00 - 7:00 PM
Heller, a real mensch,
Stares down Margot's missile. Blam!
Wembley goes trembly.
7:00 PM - 8:00 PM
Heller's still alive.
Jack un-hijacks the drone as
Margot hits the road.
8:00 PM - 9:00 PM
Where's the override?
With Steve. No, Cross. Chloe. Cheng.
Wait a minute. Cheng?!?
9:00 PM - 10:00 PM
Boobdreau gets busted;
Chloe beats Cheng and henchguys.
ScratchSlice one Russkie spy....to be concluded.
Posted by: Ford79 | July 14, 2014 at 08:38 PM
This episode is bringing out all the poets among us!
Posted by: Pat F. | July 14, 2014 at 08:39 PM
I'm here! And they're making red velvet cake on that cooking show. Now I want cake. FEED ME CAKE!
Finale is here, everybody!
Posted by: Gennita Low | July 14, 2014 at 08:40 PM
Ford: As a fellow alum, I am deeply proud.
Posted by: Dave | July 14, 2014 at 08:41 PM
Wow, ligirl! Nice job with the Chloepatra Eyes!
Wow, Ford! Haiku perimeter!
I am in awed. I'll award you the Dot of Doom at the bottom left of screen. May it forever be with you.
Posted by: Gennita Low | July 14, 2014 at 08:42 PM
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Someone will be dead
I won't tell who
Posted by: Gennita Low | July 14, 2014 at 08:43 PM
jack be nimble
jack be quick !
dammit, awdrey
you make us sick !
Posted by: ligirl | July 14, 2014 at 08:45 PM
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Jack Bauer is gonna shoot you in the thigh!
Posted by: Trent | July 14, 2014 at 08:46 PM
Is Gordon Ramsey gonna scream at the guest chefs?
Are they using too much food coloring?
Of course! It's scripted reality TV, which has no
releayion to reality. I want some cake too!
Posted by: funny man | July 14, 2014 at 08:46 PM
Watching that Gordon Ramsay cooking show on Fox while waiting for "24:" Nice looking layer cake, but those may be the GREENEST pair of eyeglasses I've ever seen...
Posted by: Wes S. | July 14, 2014 at 08:47 PM
To be or not to be
That is the question.
Whether 'tis nobler
in the mind to suffer
the slings and arrows
of outrageous fortune,
or to be shot in the thigh by Jack Bauer!
Posted by: Trent | July 14, 2014 at 08:48 PM
The quality of mercy is not strained.
It droppeth as the gentle rain...
...just as Jack Bauer is gonna droppeth some bad guys tonight by shooting them in the thigh!
Posted by: Trent | July 14, 2014 at 08:51 PM
Such creative bunch in here
(things never said in the 24 writers room)
Posted by: homeybeef | July 14, 2014 at 08:51 PM
Never has this Eddie Izzard line been more appropriate:
"Cake or Death?"
Posted by: Pat F. | July 14, 2014 at 08:51 PM
Cutter should just STFU.
Posted by: Siouxie | July 14, 2014 at 08:51 PM
Because the TV gods hate me, the 24 finale is right up against the Top Gear season premier.
Posted by: KJP | July 14, 2014 at 08:51 PM
You're so vain,
You probably think this song is about you
Don't you, TerrorDroneMomma, don't you? Don't you?
Posted by: Gennita Low | July 14, 2014 at 08:52 PM
Laugh, and the world laughs with you.
Weep, and you weep....
...because you just got shot in the thigh by Jack Bauer!
Posted by: Trent | July 14, 2014 at 08:54 PM
Okay, I can't resist it any longer. I'm raiding the fridge for my layered marble cake with butterscotch icing. Nyah nyah.
Posted by: Gennita Low | July 14, 2014 at 08:54 PM
All this poetry has me thinking....whatever happened to the ode? Why are people still writing Haikus, but nobody pens a good ode any more? Where are all the good odists? Maybe they all got wiped out in an earlier season of "24"??? ;)
Posted by: Trent | July 14, 2014 at 08:57 PM
Somebody needs to shoot Cutter in the thigh.
Posted by: Wes S. | July 14, 2014 at 08:57 PM
I can't wait to not watchthe ending of this cooking show any more after tonight
Posted by: homeybeef | July 14, 2014 at 08:57 PM
Is it time to shoot thighs yet?
Posted by: Gennita Low | July 14, 2014 at 08:59 PM
I take that back. They need to toss Cutter off the balcony like Jack tossed Margot Stark and her son out the window.
Posted by: Wes S. | July 14, 2014 at 08:59 PM
CHECKING IN! SORRY I'M LATE! WHAT DID I MISS? IS IT OVER?!?!
Posted by: tropichunt.com guy™ | July 14, 2014 at 08:59 PM
And smacking Leslie's face wouldn't be out of line, either.
Posted by: Pat F. | July 14, 2014 at 08:59 PM
BLEEP! BLOOP! BLEEP! BLOOP!
JACK BAUER POWER HOUR!
JACK BAUER POWER HOUR!
JACK BAUER POWER HOUR!
JACK BAUER POWER HOUR!
J A C K B A U E R P O W E R H O U R !
(To "When You Wish Upon A Star" from "Pinnochio")
When you shoot at Jack Bauer
You'll be dead within the hour.
Anything you try to do
Won't work for you.
If your heart's still in your chest
It'd be best if you confessed
That you shot at Jack Bauer
As suckers do.
Jack is mad.
He yells show all his love.
Their tone communicates
His deep displeasure.
Like a thought out of of blue
Did you really think it through?
When you shoot at Jack Bauer
He'll come for you.
Brought to you by: JackSack™ ("JackSack™'s nose doesn't grow when he lies, but something else grows when he's angry!") and ChloeSack™ ("ChloeSack™ desperately wants JackSack™ to be a real boy!")
LET'S GET READY TO ROOOOOOOOOOOOOMBLE!
This "24" intro was brought to you by "Pleasure Island": Because killing Awwdrey off would be our pleasure!
Posted by: tropichunt.com guy™ | July 14, 2014 at 09:00 PM
Clock ticking...the finale is on!
Posted by: funny man | July 14, 2014 at 09:00 PM
We were doing some cooking, Tropic. And poeting.
Posted by: Gennita Low | July 14, 2014 at 09:00 PM
See you after the show!
Posted by: Steve (The 24 Guy) | July 14, 2014 at 09:00 PM
Here I am! Has the drinking begun yet?
Posted by: rockin01 | July 14, 2014 at 09:00 PM
I'm advised! I'm advised!
Posted by: danceswithvowels | July 14, 2014 at 09:01 PM
Your fifteen minutes was fast, Tropic, bwahaha.
Posted by: Gennita Low | July 14, 2014 at 09:01 PM
I'll take some Russian with a side of Chinese.
Posted by: tropichunt.com guy™ | July 14, 2014 at 09:01 PM
And some appropriate music to lead off this, this season's finale of "24:"
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6gxFlTXPZVY
Posted by: Wes S. | July 14, 2014 at 09:01 PM
Awwdrey is penetrated again.
Posted by: tropichunt.com guy™ | July 14, 2014 at 09:02 PM
Damn, these scenes from last week are taking longer than the show.
Posted by: Gennita Low | July 14, 2014 at 09:02 PM
Please, Cheng, don't let Awwwdrey live.
Posted by: Wes S. | July 14, 2014 at 09:03 PM
Heller: Jack, it;s imperative that we find the override device to show the Chinese that we are not
responsible.
Jack: Sir, I'll vouch for you. You've never been responsible, and not finding the device...wouldn't that show them the same thing>
Posted by: funny man | July 14, 2014 at 09:03 PM
10 pm - 11 am ???
Posted by: ligirl | July 14, 2014 at 09:03 PM
10pm and 11am?! What the hell? Oh, wait 24 logic. I get it.
Posted by: tropichunt.com guy™ | July 14, 2014 at 09:03 PM
oh...the missing 12 hours...
Posted by: Siouxie | July 14, 2014 at 09:03 PM
And 11 AM??
Posted by: KJP | July 14, 2014 at 09:03 PM
Wait ... between 10:00 PM and 11:00 AM!!! That's longish...
Posted by: danceswithvowels | July 14, 2014 at 09:03 PM
ok..she's dead now.
Posted by: Siouxie | July 14, 2014 at 09:04 PM
Ooooo we saw that coming.....great help Audrey.
Posted by: LeDud | July 14, 2014 at 09:04 PM
Well, that problem with the survivor is handled...
Posted by: tropichunt.com guy™ | July 14, 2014 at 09:04 PM
Their clock is running very fast
Posted by: Cheesewiz | July 14, 2014 at 09:04 PM
Awwwdrey is the STUPIDEST RED VELVET CAKE EVAH.
Posted by: Gennita Low | July 14, 2014 at 09:04 PM
can we blog for 13 hours?? cool
Posted by: ligirl | July 14, 2014 at 09:04 PM
STAND, AWWDREY! STAND! SHOW THAT GUY WHAT YOU STAND FOR!
Posted by: tropichunt.com guy™ | July 14, 2014 at 09:04 PM
Awwdrey is still alive. Cheng hates America more than we thought.
Posted by: Loudmouth | July 14, 2014 at 09:05 PM
Siouxie! Do we drink when a "problem" like that is solved? This wine isn't going to unbox itself, y'know.
Posted by: danceswithvowels | July 14, 2014 at 09:05 PM
A cardboard false drawer bottom is the best that FSB can do...?
Posted by: Wes S. | July 14, 2014 at 09:05 PM
The ol' False Bottom In The Drawer Trick. Another move reminiscent of Agent 86!
Posted by: Trent | July 14, 2014 at 09:05 PM
Did I miss anything?
Posted by: nursecindy | July 14, 2014 at 09:05 PM
Woah. 2 big surprises already.
1. Dave is here tonight.
2. They're doing away with the real time thing.
Posted by: Thrifty | July 14, 2014 at 09:06 PM
Mr. Bawa
Posted by: homeybeef | July 14, 2014 at 09:06 PM
No, Dave. Stand, Audrey. Stand.
Posted by: Siouxie | July 14, 2014 at 09:06 PM
TRACK HIM, JACK! SHOW HIM WHAT AWWDREY STANDS FOR!
Posted by: tropichunt.com guy™ | July 14, 2014 at 09:06 PM
Can't Jack just hit "redial" and get Chang back on the phone?
Posted by: BevfromNYC | July 14, 2014 at 09:06 PM
Cheng's bad accent is probably the worst bad accent on the show ever since Dennis Hopper tied Kimmy to a chair back in Season One and forced her to watch him overact.
Just sayin'.
Posted by: Wes S. | July 14, 2014 at 09:06 PM
SHE LOVES YOU DAMMIT....
Posted by: LeDud | July 14, 2014 at 09:06 PM
I hope Awudrey runs. She looks like she has the runs,
too.
Posted by: funny man | July 14, 2014 at 09:07 PM
Oh, like you cannot override the POTUS' direct order when his daughter is in the crosshair?!
Posted by: Gennita Low | July 14, 2014 at 09:07 PM
Well, that's it. I've got agent Morgan in the death pool. ;(
Posted by: JT | July 14, 2014 at 09:07 PM
dances, F the wine. I'm going vodka tonight!
Posted by: Siouxie | July 14, 2014 at 09:07 PM
Nuc a lar
Posted by: Cheesewiz | July 14, 2014 at 09:08 PM
Authorization to escalate? Haven't these people SEEN this show/
Posted by: Pat F. | July 14, 2014 at 09:08 PM
NUKEULAR! DRINK!
Posted by: tropichunt.com guy™ | July 14, 2014 at 09:08 PM
Repeat after me: Nuke-Lee-Yur!
Posted by: Ednamode | July 14, 2014 at 09:08 PM
For the love of grits and gravy it's NUCLEAR!! One u. One!!
Posted by: MareBear | July 14, 2014 at 09:08 PM
"The 'first' Chinese carrier?" The Chinese only have one carrier, and it just got sunk off Gibraltar two episodes ago!
Posted by: Wes S. | July 14, 2014 at 09:08 PM
CHLOE!
Posted by: JT | July 14, 2014 at 09:08 PM
Seriously, we're going nuclear?
Posted by: BevfromNYC | July 14, 2014 at 09:08 PM
Why are all the CTU/CIA offices built the same....main office upstairs with all the computer workers on the main floor? And open ceilings like the typical college bars???
Posted by: Trent | July 14, 2014 at 09:08 PM
(((chloe)))
Posted by: ligirl | July 14, 2014 at 09:08 PM
Cloeys had a bad day.
Posted by: LeDud | July 14, 2014 at 09:08 PM
Chloe looks like she's going trick or treating.
Posted by: nursecindy | July 14, 2014 at 09:08 PM
Jack and Chloe together again!
Posted by: homeybeef | July 14, 2014 at 09:09 PM
Lucky for Chloe she's been looking rough all day.
Posted by: KJP | July 14, 2014 at 09:09 PM
President Heller: Put our subs in silos and the highest alert. Did that make sense?
Posted by: danceswithvowels | July 14, 2014 at 09:09 PM
Apparently tumbling down the hill knocked off most of Chloe's mascara.
Posted by: Wes S. | July 14, 2014 at 09:09 PM
Jack and Chloe reunited to save the world. Sighhhh.
Posted by: Gennita Low | July 14, 2014 at 09:09 PM
Jack and Chloe back in the sack...saddle...again!
Posted by: tropichunt.com guy™ | July 14, 2014 at 09:10 PM
Jack and Chloe, getting back together. Game over!
Posted by: danceswithvowels | July 14, 2014 at 09:10 PM
Exactly how would you put a sub in a silo and wouldn't that make a farmer mad?
Posted by: nursecindy | July 14, 2014 at 09:10 PM
Getting the band back together!
Posted by: maryd | July 14, 2014 at 09:10 PM
Super Chloe to the rescue!
But wait! 10 am in the evening, the same evening?
Must be Brit time, like Miller time but slower.
Posted by: funny man | July 14, 2014 at 09:10 PM
If Chloe dies, I'm never watching another episode of this season! Oh, wait...
Posted by: JT | July 14, 2014 at 09:10 PM
Blood sweat and "GEARS". Get it ? Good one Chrysler.
Posted by: LeDud | July 14, 2014 at 09:10 PM
Wes, don't worry, Chloepatra Eyes will be back!
Posted by: Gennita Low | July 14, 2014 at 09:11 PM