Dave Barry's Blog

SOON WE WILL HAVE NO CONSTITUTIONAL RIGHTS LEFT

Police Detain Man Dancing Around Burning Truck He Allegedly Set On Fire Near Bay Bridge Toll Plaza

(Thanks to Gargoyle Socks)

YIKES

Scientists discover that spiders kill and eat fish too

(Thanks to DaninTustin)

GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOALLLLLLLLLLLLL

Chilean porn star celebrates team's World Cup win over Australia with 12-hour sex session

(Thanks to Bob Brogan)

CSI: BRA

A man has been placed under house arrest for allegedly stealing bras and knickers from washing lines.

(Thanks to Allen at Division and Ralph)

GET THAT NOBEL PRIZE READY

Chinese hospitals introduce hands-free automatic sperm extractor

(Thanks to RussellMc)

WE HAVE IT ON SPEED DIAL

Thailand launches monk bad behaviour hotline

(Thanks to Focalpoint)

SOUTH FLORIDA EDUCATION UPDATE

Ex-porn actor, star of ‘Entering the Student Body,’ runs for school board in South Florida

TENNESSEE SOCIAL NOTE

No charges expected in S. Knoxville domestic fork-stabbing

(Thanks to Bill Hudgins)

WE STILL HAVE CONGRESS

National Zoo Suddenly Closes Invertebrate Exhibit

(Thanks to Jeffrey Brown)

DOGS IN ACTION

Dog pushes air conditioner out window

(Thanks to Monique)

'THIS BEAVER APPARENTLY WAS UPSET FOR SOME REASON'

Beaver attack pulls man off kayak

Advisory: Autoplay.

(Thanks to Bill Hudgins, who says "the squirrels no doubt were behind this.")

OK, BUT... WHY?

Dating site uses facial recognition to find matches that look like your ex

(Thanks to The Perts)

FIREFIGHTERS FINALLY FREE FINGER

Man trapped in plane toilet during 15-hour flight

(Thanks to Trent Whitney)

HAS ANYBODY SEEN CHARLIE SHEEN LATELY?

Dangerously high man goes on naked rampage

(Thanks to Craig Roberts)

GUYS IN ACTION

Two southwest Idaho men police say started a bonfire on a city street that melted the pavement are facing a fine of $300 and 10 days in jail.

(Thanks to Craig Roberts)

MEN:

Do not click here.

(Thanks to Wiredog, who says, "Half-cocked.") (Also thanks to Mary Lyall)

 

APOCALYPSE UPDATE

'Devil moose' smashes headfirst through Belarus coach and stops mileage clock at the number of the beast: 666.6

(Thanks to Jeffrey Brown, who says "Opened for somebody, surely.")

INCREDIBLY, THIS DID NOT HAPPEN IN FLORIDA

Family Fights Cops After Knives Nixed at Fun Park

(Thanks to Bill Hudgins)

IN THAT CASE, GENTLEMEN, YOU ARE FREE TO GO

One of the men, Jeffery Smith, told deputies the safe belonged to him but he had forgotten the combination. He said he took it to the church parking lot to open it without waking up his family. According to the charging documents, deputies noticed six bowling balls with the price tags still on them in the back of the men's car. Smith told deputies he likes to bowl and the balls belonged to him.

(Thanks to Craig Roberts)

VIENNA TRAFFIC UPDATE

Naked woman's bottom halts traffic as she sunbathes out of third-floor window

(Thanks to DaninTustin)

HE'S A CRACK SHOT

Handcuffed man shoots at officers using gun from butt cheeks

Advisory: Autoplay.

(Thanks to Andrew Mendez)

GET THAT NOBEL PRIZE READY

Harvard Scientists Send the First Transatlantic Smell via iPhone

(Thanks to RussellMc)

UPDATE

The mayor of an affluent Southern California neighborhood caught on surveillance camera tossing a bag of dog poop into a neighbor's yard has resigned.

(Thanks to The Amazing Steve and Colleen)

WORLD CUP ACTION UPDATE

Uruguay squad's caramel spread confiscated in Brazil

(Thanks to Jan in Grimsby)

WE SAW THEM OPEN FOR WHITESNAKE

Flaming raven starts forest fire, cuts power to Yellowknife

(Thanks to Ralph)

THEY WERE RELEASED AFTER PRODUCING VALID FLORIDA DRIVERS' LICENSES

Brown Bears Caught Performing Oral Sex

(Thanks to J.R. Absher)

GO LONG, DUDE

Man tried to throw football stuffed with drugs into prison yard

(Thanks to Bill Hudgins)

HINT: NOT HIS TAIL FEATHERS

What was 68-year-old man shaking in Jensen Beach that got him arrested?

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson)

THOSE TERRORIST BASTARDS

Beware of spontaneously exploding wine bottles, Pa. liquor board warns

(Thanks to Charles Indelicato, who says "If I were witty, I would think of a band they opened for.") 

AN EMAIL FROM THE AMAZING STEVE

Hey Dave --

We did a video to raise awareness of the importance of Supercomputing:

I'm in the background there, somewhere.  My buddy Dave (everyone I know is named Dave), is the lead person in the video.

 

Steve

 

p.s. Oh, and if you could "like" it on YouTube, that'd help us out! We're having a contest for the best video.

WE'LL STICK WITH TANG, THANKS

Good news: Espresso machine in SPAAAACE. Bad news: Fuelled by URINE

(Thanks to Horace LaBadie and Jon Harris)

OOPS

A developer who mistakenly built a $1.8 million waterfront house on parkland has been ordered to remove it.

(Thanks to Jon Harris)

GUESS WHOSE BIRTHDAY IT IS?

Yup.

(Thanks to Lisa)

THEY WERE PARTY ANIMALS

Early Human Ancestors Got Herpes From Chimpanzees

(Thanks to Focalpoint, who says "and they got it from the squirrels.")

CSI: MARYLAND

Md. Police Issue "Be on the Lookout" for Stolen Bunny Costume

(Thanks to Ralph)

YAY!

Ridley has a new book out today. 

THERE ARE THINGS WE WERE NOT MEANT TO SEE

This is one of them.

Advisory: You will regret clicking on that link.

(Thanks to Unholy Slacker and Jon Harris)

THIS NATION IS GOING STRAIGHT TO HELL

Utah Oktoberfest Likely to Include Beer After All

(Thanks to Mark Buckley)

WORLD CUP

Here's Mrs. Blog's report from the excellent game yesterday.

24

Here is where we stand:

Jack Bauer managed to save Simone (code name “Pinky Stump”) from her Evil Drone Mom, who tried to kill Simone with missiles in an excellent car chase that required Jack to requisition two civilian vehicles, whose owners will no doubt be fully reimbursed by the United States government for any collateral damage caused by missiles or getting punched in the face. Jack is now supposed to meet with President William Devane, who appears to be about to turn himself over to Margot in exchange for not wreaking any more special effects on downtown London.

The Russians still want Jack.

Navarro is still the mole and is doing mole things with that other guy. We frankly do not understand this part of the plot.

Agent Kate Morgan is still very capable.

Edgar is still dead.

We will be providing updates during tonight’s episode as plot developments develop. Stay tuned in the comments afterward for The Amazing Steve’s amazing recap.

In conclusion: Go Heat USA soccer team!

UPDATE: The Amazing Steve writes that "If you count the movie Redemption, tonight is the 200th hour of 24."

UPDATE: "These are more like Kaiser rolls than doughnuts." Ooooh, BURN.

UPDATE: Who the hell turns in doughnuts with NO FILLING??? 

UPDATE: ANOTHER drill?

UPDATE: President Devane is lucky Jack didn't deck him.

UPDATE: OK, with all due respect to the writers, why would Terror Mom care what anybody thinks, seeing as how she is a psychotic mass murderer?

UPDATE: "So wake the bitch up." Whoa.

UPDATE: This is really not Simone's day.

UPDATE: "We need a drill and a soldering iron STAT."

UPDATE: Mark of course can get the codes for Wembley Stadium. 

UPDATE: So is Audrey in charge of the government? Or what?

UPDATE: The Secret Service detail plugs right into Jack's phone.

UPDATE: HOLY CRAP JACK IS CUTTING OPEN THE PRESIDENT.

UPDATE: The president, like everybody else on this show, heals in seconds.

UPDATE: Right. It's easy for the president of the United Freaking States to walk away from all his security. Because they never think to cover... the back door!

UPDATE: "Geez, Jack! Do you always have to PUNCH everybody?"

UPDATE: Jack don't need no stinkin' pilot.

UPDATE: Jack don't need to get no clearance from no air-traffic-control authorities.

UPDATE: Errand boy strikes back!

UPDATE: Apparently the safety is off. 

UPDATE: It's just a gaping chest wound. He'll be fine.

UPDATE: TAC Team 7 is my favorite TAC Team.

UPDATE: Didn't Kate get stabbed in the leg like 90 minutes ago?

UPDATE: It's nice the way Terror Mom praises her son when he reactivates the drones.

UPDATE: Fortunately, a helicopter landing in Wembley Stadium would not draw any attention.

UPDATE: Is it just me, or does Audrey have weird nostrils?

UPDATE: This is some very fine overacting.

UPDATE: Seriously, something has been done to those nostrils.

UPDATE: "End of the road, Jack." WHO WRITES THIS STUFF?

UPDATE: Chloe has managed to resolve the data pack into three screens! BUT WE'RE OUT OF TIME!

UPDATE: And the president is tackled by Wayne Rooney!

UPDATE: I bet they're glad they got the Facial Recognition App for their drone.

UPDATE: HOLY CRAP SHE BLEW UP THE PRESIDENT!

UPDATE: Next week: PAYBACK. Take it, The Amazing Steve.

FOR NEXT FATHER'S DAY

Give dad the Skunk.

(Thanks to Jon Harris)

YOU KNOW THE STATE

Deputies arrest man hiding marijuana under stomach fat

(Thanks to Claire Martin, Jon Harris, Bill Hudgins and Horace LaBadie)

GUYS IN ACTION

A Chinese artist has built a replica of the famed Optimus Prime from the Transformers series out of discarded car parts.

(Thanks to The Perts)

A PERSON CAN PLAY ONLY SO MANY GAMES OF SHUFFLEBOARD

Meth lab found at California retirement community

(Thanks to Ed Hendricks and Jon Harris)

WACKY FUN!

Air Traffic Controller to Landing Plane: ‘Don’t Land... Just Kidding!’

(Thanks to Poker)

24

It's tonight at 9 p.m. Eastern Mole Time. Be here, or be something bad that rhymes with "here." 

ESCALATOR RIDE OF THE WEEK SO FAR

Those things can be tricky.

(Thanks to Jan in Grimsby)

WE DON'T KNOW ABOUT THAT, BUT IT CAN DRIVE *AND* VOTE IN MIAMI

Can a hitchhiking robot make its way across Canada?

(Thanks to The Perts)

IT CAN'T POSSIBLY BE AS ENTERTAINING AS THE REAL THING

Rob Ford The Musical holds open casting on Monday

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson)

GOOD THING HE WASN'T ALSO HOLDING A BEER, BECAUSE THEN HE WOULD HAVE HAD A DIFFICULT DECISION TO MAKE

Dad Catches Troy Tulowitzki Home Run While Holding Baby on Father's Day

(Thanks to David Thielen)