Dave Barry's Blog

24

Here is where we stand:

Last episode, Jack Bauer -- in as fine a demonstration of throwing both halves of a mother-son terrorist team out a fifth-story window as you are likely to see – rappelled down to the terrorist lair and defenestrated Evil Terror Mom and Ian. Jack also steered the last drone missile – which was heading for Waterloo Station – into the Thames, thereby saving thousands of lives, although many innocent carp were vaporized. It was a vintage performance by Jack, who also in this episode shot and punched out numerous individuals, including a security guard, which was kind of like LeBron James going one-on-one with Dr. Ruth Westheimer, but DAMMIT THERE WAS NO TIME.

Evil Terrorist Mom wanted to blow up Waterloo because she found out that President William Devane was still alive. Jack tricked her with the help of Chloe, who, armed with only a laptop and operating from a pub – where, tragically, she did not have to tase anybody – was able to hack into the drone feed, locate the terrorist lair, tell Jack where the dedicated electrical junction was located and just generally show why we used to love her a lot before she started applying mascara with a trowel.

Speaking of highly competent women: Agent Kate Morgan assisted Jack by engaging in a gun battle with the Evil Terrorist Mom’s henchpersons during which at least 17 million bullets were fired at her from close range. Incredibly, none of these bullets struck Agent Kate Morgan. So fortunately we have not lost Agent Kate Morgan.

In the mole subplot, which apparently now is the main plot, Jack is now chasing Steve Navarro, who ran off with the Device, which he is supposed to turn over to the creepy corpse-looking hackmaster guy, who it turns out is is getting it on with Chloe. Ew.

Edgar is still dead.

We would truly love to join you tonight, but tragically we are in Brazil engaging in hardcore journalism. However you are as always welcome to share your comments down in the comments section. And as always we urge you to stick around afterward for the miraculous recap by The Amazing Steve.

(DITTO - SEE THE LAST POST FOR MEA CULPAS)

UPDATE FROM DAVE: I have no idea what happened here, but I believe it was my fault. So you may rest assured that Judi will be fired.

24

It's tonight at 9 p.m. Eastern Payback Time. Be here, or have a gigantic rear.

so... this was supposed to be on Wednesday... but because the s.b. was not paying attention, it turned out to be tonight, and this was not properly posted. mea culpa. mea culpa.

AMEN, DAMMIT

A Utah man will be jailed after a fight over pew space at a Mormon meetinghouse.

(Thanks to Jon Harris)

WORLD CUPDATE

Security is tight here, even at sea. Here a Brazilian naval vessel prepares to fire on a potentially unlawful surfer.

 

We caught up with the Brazilian national soccer team practicing on the beach. Ever frugal, they use flip-flops for goals.

 

Last night we went to Copacabana Beach, where you can buy a drink called a caipirinha, which I highly recommend if you are traveling home by taxi.

 

Today we're traveling to Salvador, where tomorrow the USA team will play our ancient bitter arch-rival, Belgium. We HATE those guys.

A ROLLED-UP NEWSPAPER ALSO WORKS

Fighting spiders with fire.

(Thanks to Jay Brandes, Ralph K., and DaninTustin)

OUR NATION'S INDEPENDENCE

Always willing to go the extra mile for historical accuracy in blog posts, the s.b. traveled to what was once our nation's capital (or something like that) ...


...to find out that our plucky little country has come a long way, especially when it comes to meat.

Also, street festivals. We bet Jefferson, Adams, and Washington would have loved food trucks like these, had there been food or trucks back in their day.

WORLD CUP UPDATE

There was a lot of security last night at Maracana stadium in Rio, where Colombia played Uruguay. As it happened, while the stadium was filling with spectators, the Brazilian team was playing a very tense overtime game against Chile in another city. So the security forces in the picture below were watching that game on a TV set inside a police van. I could have walked past carrying a bazooka.

We had good seats for the Colombia-Uruguay game. Here's a picture I took showing a player kicking the ball and another player falling down. This is the essence of soccer.

 

The crowd was overwhelmingly Colombian, and they were very happy, because their team won 2-0. Here are the people around me reacting to one of the goals.

 

We'd heard all kinds of scary stories about how dangerous Rio is, but so far we've felt safe everywhere. This could be because Jesus is watching over us.

NEW THIS FALL

Poop Investigators

(Thanks to just about everyone)

WORLD CUP UPDATE

Tonight we watched Colombia defeat Uruguay 2-0. Superman and Batman were very pleased.

CRIMES AGAINST LETTUCE

Yeah, you don't want to have to tell the other inmates what you're in for.

(Thanks to Joe in Japan)

HAPPY ANNIVERSARY HONEY

The gift that says, "You make me feel a little queasy."

(Thanks to Jay Brandeis)

FRIDAY NIGHT IN RIO

Love is in the air.

FUNLAND

We'll say!

(Thanks to Craig Roberts)

UPDATE FROM RIO

I'm posting this solely because I like the way this building looks.

UPDATE FROM RIO

If you lose your bathing suit here -- and many women appear to have lost their bathing suits -- you can buy a replacement right on the beach.

REPORT FROM RIO DE JANEIRO

It's very beautiful here. While exploring the beach, I discovered this previously undiscovered sideways mountain. I shall name it Mount Dave.

DUE TO OUR STRICT POLICY...

Blah blah blah.

(Thanks to John Lobert)

DEFINE "LIVING"

Dead Facebook users will soon outnumber the living.

(Thanks to The Perts)

OOPSIE!

Homeowner assesses damage after 14-inch artillery shell enters house

Key quote defying the laws of physics: The gun range owner says the weapon was fired safely by professionals at a downward projection. 

(Thanks to ken fineberg)

 

WHY 'GLORIA' IS THE BEST SONG EVER:

A technical explanation.

SOON WE WILL HAVE NO RIGHTS AT ALL

EPA Directive: Stop pooping in the hall.

(Thanks to Another Ralph and Steve P.)

LESS SCARY THAN A CLOWN

A black bear crashes through the skylight at a toddler's birthday party.

(Thanks to Mark Buckley)

A FLORIDA DRIVER'S LICENSE

...is on its way to this Wal-Mart shopper.

(Thanks to Ralph K.)

"VOLUNTARY" RECALL

Flushmate has received 304 reports of the product exploding, which has resulted in both property damage and 14 impact or laceration injuries.

(Thanks to Westonator, "long time listener, first time caller")

ADVISORY

I'm off to Brazil for the next couple of weeks to engage in journalism. I'll be posting sporadically from there. Judi will also be blogging stuff if she is not too busy.

Please try to remain calm.

LEAST SURPRISING NEWS ITEM OF THE WEEK SO FAR

Driverless car goes to Washington, stops working.

(Thanks to Jon Harris)

THEY WERE BOTH RELEASED AFTER PRODUCING VALID FLORIDA DRIVERS' LICENSES

Screaming man found with dead raccoon in Mukilteo

(Thanks to B'game)

IN THAT CASE, MA'AM, YOU ARE FREE TO GO

Krueger reportedly told police that she sells marijuana in the Fall River area, but doesn’t distribute it on Aquidneck Island.

(Thanks to Monique)

WHOA

Nebraska tornado lofts house into sky

(Thanks to wiredog, who says "And your little dog too.")

I'LL HAVE THE McRIBS

A man shocked the breakfast crowd at a Queens McDonald’s Tuesday when he strolled in with a knife stuck in his back while chatting on a cellphone.

(Thanks to Janice Gelb and Jeffrey Brown)

FRANCE ON HIGH ALERT

Alberta’s earthworm invasion can be tracked with U of A app

(Thanks to The Perts)

IT MIGHT BE A TRAP, DUDE

Idaho sheriff: Contact us about your lost meth

(Thanks to Craig Roberts)

THIS IS BOUND TO BE HIGHLY EFFECTIVE

Bolivia congress clock altered to turn anti-clockwise

(Thanks to Craig Roberts)

DON'T WORRY! IT HAS A VALID FLORIDA LICENSE.

Travelers at Duesseldorf airport in Germany can soon leave the job to a robot valet.

(Thanks to Focalpoint)

ADVISORY TO MEN:

Don't pee on the floor. You might make somebody very unhappy.

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson)

Related: Moncton woman angry after spotting city workers peeing in park

(Thanks to The Perts)

STAY CLASSY, MARKETING PEOPLE

SAO PAULO - Companies ranging from McDonalds to Trident chewing gum to JC Penney gobbled up the free publicity offered by Uruguay striker Luis Suarez's incredible bite on Italy defender Giorgio Chiellini during a World Cup match on Tuesday.

(Thanks to The Perts)

Update: 167 people cashed in on bet that Luis Suarez would bite someone at World Cup

(Thanks to Will Dooley)

TERROR STALKS THE STREETS

Pee-Wee Herman sketch stolen from Portsmouth ice cream shop

(Thanks to Poker)

IT'S ABOUT TIME WE GOT THIS OUT IN THE OPEN

Vampires in tennis.

(Thanks to Gargoyle Socks)

WE'VE HAD THESE FOR YEARS, EXCEPT FOR THE SENSE OF HUMOR

Japanese scientists on Tuesday unveiled what they said was the world's first news-reading android, eerily lifelike and possessing a sense of humour to match her perfect language skills.

Advisory: Autoplay

(Thanks to Ryan Jentzsch)

HEY, SIX OF ONE

Man sues British Airways after booking mistake sends him Grenada instead of Granada

(Thanks to Petanque America Kingpin and friend of the blog Philippe Boets, and Bill Jones)

BUT IT FEELS LIKE ONLY SIX HOURS

British Airways planes will screen a seven-hour film showing a rail journey through Norway in real time as its first foray into so-called Slow TV, a genre it says should appeal to long-haul passengers seeking relaxing viewing.

(Thanks to Phil McAvity)

THEY GROW UP SO FAST

Dylan Maxwell Barry is a month old.

(Dylan is the one on top.)

HAS ANYBODY SEEN LINDSAY LOHAN LATELY?

Woman jumps zoo barrier, tries to feed cookies to lions

(Thanks to Andrew Mendez)

HIGH TECH

Seattle Woman Sees Drone Peeping Into Her Apartment Window

(Thanks to Craig Roberts, Focalpoint and Poker)

SEND THEM TO WASHINGTON

Feds Research Breeding Sheep With Lower Methane-Emitting Flatulence

(Thanks to Focalpoint and Rob Simbeck)

WE'LL JUST WALK, THANKS

Norwegian Air Shuttle's Dreamliner nightmare resumed over the weekend, with a record 44 hour and 43 minute delay for the Boeing 787-8 flight from Orlando to Oslo.

(Thanks to Not My Usual Alias)

'AN OFFAL LOT OF MEAT'

Car-sized haggis smashes World Record

(Thanks to Allen at Division)

WE'VE EATEN AT THAT PLACE

4,500-year-old food items found in cupboard in Bristol

(Thanks to The Fourth George, who says this is what happens when men do the cleaning, as explained in this scientific paper.)

THEY WORK FOR FOMCAST

Squirrels chomp on Winnipeg man's phone, Internet services

(Thanks to The Perts)

WHAT COULD POSSIBLY GO WRONG?

Professional skydiving team Fastrax, based in Ohio, USA, jump with from planes with fireworks strapped to their legs

(Thanks to Ryan Jentzsch)