Dave Barry's Blog

THE WASHINGTON POST HUNT

It starts Sunday at noon. Here's the official site, and here's the always-helpful site of Andy the Tropic Hunt Guy. Be there, if you dare. 

'SERVICE'

US Airways flight forced to make emergency landing after Truffles the service dog relieves itself twice in aisle - making passengers vomit

(Thanks to Craig Roberts)

THEY WILL STOP AT NOTHING

Chester police rescue distressed woman from squirrel

(Thanks to Ralph)

FLORIDA WILDLIFE REPORT

The current status of Florida wildlife is: chillin'.

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson)

THE SPCA RECEIVED A TIP

Shop probed over sale of seal penises

(Thanks to Unholy Slacker)

'I'M 85 YEARS OLD. IF YOU WANT TO SHOOT, GO AHEAD AND SHOOT'

Robber no match for elderly casino couple

And stay off their lawn.

(Thanks to Craig Roberts)

THIS IS THE GUY WHO IS ALWAYS AHEAD OF YOU IN LINE

Texas man orders record-breaking $54.75 Starbucks drink spiked with 60 shots of espresso

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson)

IF THIS WERE ACTUALLY TRUE, THEY WOULDN'T HAVE CATS

Cat People Are Smarter Than Dog People, New Study Shows

(Thanks to Rick Day)

THEY GOT EXCITED, ALL RIGHT

Firefighters were called to the building at 10th and Main Street after people started complaining about headaches and dizziness at about 1:15 p.m. Multiple employees told KBOI 2News off camera that the person driving the scooter was a supervisor trying to get employees excited about a promotion.

(Thanks to Craig Roberts)

FATHER'S DAY IS COMING

The Australian auction house selling a jockstrap worn by music star Robbie Williams' says it hopes to net up to $800 for the intimate item.

(Thanks to Janice Gelb)

ALWAYS CARRY SOME

Burn victim douses self with Slurpees at 7-Eleven

(Thanks to Jon Harris)

IT'S OK: THEY BOTH HAVE VALID FLORIDA LICENSES

Goat Riding a Man Riding a Bicycle

(Thanks to Ryan Jentzsch)

WE SAW THEM OPEN FOR THE BYRDS

Police want to find car-attacking raven in Maine

(Thanks to Ralph)

ALSO A GREAT MANY POTATOES

Idaho has more sex to get pregnant than any other state, says company

(Thanks to Craig Roberts)

'I AM PRESUMING IT WAS A PYTHON... BECAUSE I DIDN'T DIE'

Ms McVee's ordeal began on Tuesday morning when she awoke at 5:45am with what she assumed was her Chihuahua Tori nuzzling her, but quickly realised what was latched onto her neck was much thinner, reptilian and a metre long.

(Thanks to Allen at Division)

HENCE THE TERM

Man attempts to stick up Florida bank using a stick

(Thanks to Ralph, and Bob Brogan)

SOON WE WILL HAVE NO CONSTITUTIONAL RIGHTS LEFT

Teachers upset with new dress code requiring underwear

(Thanks to Jay Brandes)

ON THE PLUS SIDE, THIS COULD MEAN THE CANCELLATION OF 'THE KARDASHIANS'

World on brink of another mass extinction, study says

(Thanks to The Perts)

THE HUNT!

The seventh Washington Post Hunt will happen this Sunday starting at noon at Freedom Plaza in downtown Washington, D.C. Tom Shroder, Gene Weingarten and I are in the final stages of planning, and we think it's going to be, as always, totally glitch-free. So come on out! The winners will receive a fully functioning Predator Drone, or $2,000, depending on the humidity. 

DIAGNOSIS OF THE WEEK SO FAR

Squirrel Tissue in Buttock

(Thanks to J.R. Absher)

DON'T HOLD IT IN

Flatulence can trumpet our good health

(Thanks to Unholy Slacker)

THAT'S WHY THEY HAVE A COCKPIT

Don't hide dead bodies in the toilet, British Airways cabin crew warned in BBC documentary

(Thanks to Allen at Division)

IT HAS THIS BLOG'S FULL SUPPORT

Topless travel photos are the latest social media trend

(Thanks to Craig Roberts, who says "Beats the hell out of planking.")

A FLORIDA LICENSE IS ON THE WAY

Gran's corpse on display in rocking chair

(Thanks to Ralph)

NOT TO MENTION THE SURGE IN HANDCUFF SALES

'Fifty Shades effect' blamed for rise in sexually transmitted diseases among over-50s

(Thanks to Mark Schlesinger and Rob Simbeck)

NEVER GO ANYWHERE WITHOUT ONE

89-year-old woman fights off sword wielding robber with golf club

(Thanks to Craig Roberts and Jeff Meyerson, who says "Keep off her lawn!")

EITHER WAY, HE QUALIFIES FOR A FLORIDA DRIVER'S LICENSE

The family and followers of one of India's wealthiest Hindu spiritual leaders are fighting a legal battle over whether he is dead or simply in a deep state of meditation.

(Thanks to Rob Simbeck)

CALL THE OREGON HIGHWAY DEPARTMENT

It's back: dead whale turns up on shore

(Thanks to Ralph)

SEND THIS TANKER TO WASHINGTON

In the above video uploaded to YouTube by The Clean Indian, you can see their Pissing Tanker in action. The group, whose members wear masks to conceal their identities, patrols Mumbai city with their giant yellow water tanker and sprays water on those urinating in public.

(Thanks to Jon Harris)

WHY WE LOVE MIAMI, REASON 2,038

Warmer weather makes women randy

(Thanks to Phil McAvity)

YOU GO, GIRL

Sheila Vogel-Coupe, 85, is Britain’s oldest escort

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson)

TERRORISM UPDATE

DAYTON — A Kettering man believes a meteorite hit his car early Sunday morning.

(Thanks to Charles Cates)

FATHER'S DAY IS COMING

You can finally buy a cardboard cut-out of an elk’s butt

(Thanks to Ralph)

CSI: NEW ZEALAND

Operator: Was it slim, medium or heavy build?

Motorist: It was a goat!

(Thanks to Ralph)

GUYS IN ACTION

Oregon man caused three-car crash by holding breath in tunnel

(Thanks to Ken Fineberg, coscolo, Rob Simbeck and Craig Roberts)

JUST WHEN YOU THOUGHT THE AMAZING STEVE COULD NOT GET ANY MORE AMAZING

From The Amazing Steve, last night:

I'm sitting here writing the recap, and wild life attacked.  At first I thought it was Audrey and jumped ten feet.  Check out the picture.

APPARENTLY IT SAID: 'DRIVE INTO THE RIVER!'

Man Drives into River, Blames GPS

(Thanks to Rob Simbeck)

'IT'S HARD TO NOT SEE'

Teen sex education campaign makes use of giant yellow condom

(Thanks to Ned Tugent)

IT'S LIKE THE KARDASHIAN WEDDING, BUT WITH MORE INTELLECTUAL CONTENT

Arby’s Is Airing 13 Straight Hours of Smoked Brisket on Television

(Thanks to Ralph)

HAPPY HOUR

Rhode Island man leaves bar, notices he was shot

(Thanks to Charles Cates)

PLEASE MAKE A NOTE OF IT

Urine is not sterile

(Thanks to Helen Oney)

A DOG NAMED GUILTY

Dalmation pees on firefighter.

(Thanks to Claire Martin)

ADVISORY

I apologize for the lack of posts, but today Dylan Maxwell Barry had his bris, and it turns out that the tradition is that the grandfather holds the baby. So I need to lie down for a couple of months.

Update:

24

Here is where we stand:

Jack Bauer, having spent the entire last episode failing to upload or download some damn thing to or from Chloe, finally decided to let CIA Agent Hot Person talk him into surrendering to the Marines, although there is no question that, had he wanted to, he could have defeated the entire U.S. Marine Corps using only his feet.

Meanwhile Evil Creepy Terrorist Game of Thrones Mom now has the Secret Device that controls U.S. drones, which will be piloted by her son-in-law, who has graciously agreed to help out in exchange for his wife getting to keep the remainder of her fingers.

President William Devane continues to carry out the 24 presidential tradition of not having any idea what is going on. Audrey and Audrey's simpering douchebag husband Mark continue to be extremely tiresome. 

Edgar is still dead.

I will try to join you tonight, but either way you should feel free to comment on the plot, if you find one. Stay tuned in the comments after the show for the recap by The Amazing Steve.

 

NYC UPDATE

Apparently they're importing Miami cab drivers.

WE'RE WITH THE TOWN ON THIS ONE

Town 'psychotic' as snake in toilet bites Spanish woman

(Thanks to Unholy Slacker)

WE'RE GUESSING TEENAGED BOYS

Pop quiz: which animal communicates by farting?

(Thanks to Ryan Jentzsch)

Related: Farts Candy wins 'Most Innovative' at Chicago sweets show

(Thanks to Unholy Slacker)

IS THERE A PROBLEM, OFFICER?

Man Attempts to Pay Fine at Courthouse with Counterfeit Bills

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson, who asks you to guess the state)

24 ADVISORY

Because of travel/family matters I may not be able to watch tonight's episode of 24:Shoot Another Thigh with you live, though I will try. In any event, I'll post a plot summary later today, and as always you're all encouraged to comment during the show. Also as always we hope The Amazing Steve will take whatever amazing drugs he takes to provide his amazing recap.

MEMORIAL DAY

Enjoy today. But please remember why it's called Memorial Day.