24

Here is where we stand:

A terrorist group headed by a scary mom with an ear-stabbing daughter has gained control of a Secret Device that enables them to control U.S. drones. Jack and Chloe are trying to stop the terrorists, but they’re being impeded by the CIA, which is of course run by morons who have everything wrong, although in their defense one of them is hot.

Elsewhere in the plot, President William Devane is planning to address Parliament, which worries his daughter Audrey and her husband Mark because President Devane is showing signs of dementia (as if that ever disqualified anybody from being president).

Meanwhile across the Atlantic Ocean the Miami Heat, leading 2-1 in the series, are preparing to play the Brooklyn Newts.

Edgar is still dead.

We will attempt to follow all of these storylines and provide updates below. If you prefer coherent prose, stay tuned in the comments at the end of 24 for the traditional amazing recap by The Amazing Steve. Go Heat.

UPDATE: Wouldn't it be great if, at the end of the new Godzilla movie, Godzilla removed his head, and underneath was a Japanese actor?

UPDATE: This LeBron James fellow is a fine athlete.

UPDATE: I would have loved to see Jack shoot that toilet.

UPDATE: The DEVICE.

UPDATE: Jack Bauer does not mind the freaking gap.

UPDATE: Ear Stab Girl is RUTHLESS. She has NO RUTH AT ALL.

UPDATE: I have no idea what Jack and Chloe are talking about.

UPDATE: Oooooh. Morris was Chloe's weird husband. And now he sleeps with Edgar.

UPDATE: Heat 56, Newts 49.

UPDATE: They're going to backchannel the MP's. Heh.

UPDATE: When Audrey and her douchebag husband kiss... Ew.

UPDATE: Douchebag H. is a FORGER. 

UPDATE: Scary Mom and Ear Stab Girl seem like a LOT of fun.

UPDATE: A non-standard hardware bus! Don't you just HATE that?

UPDATE: Do you think there's any chance that Scary Mom and Ear Stab Girl's husband have been... Nah.

UPDATE: The video Jay Z and Beyonce don't want you to see. TONIGHT AT TEN!

UPDATE: Hacker kids all wear wool watch caps. ALL OF THEM.

UPDATE: Kate is a badass.

UPDATE: Heat 65, Newts 61.

UPDATE: Nothing more heartwarming than a mom sewing up her daughter's self-inflicted thigh wound.

UPDATE: "What are we not seeing?" You're not seeing that YOU'RE ALL IDIOTS.

UPDATE: I think President Devane should appear before Parliament in his bathrobe.

UPDATE: I still don't get why it's such a big deal to have a treaty with the British.

UPDATE: Jack is the only person in England wearing sunglasses. That's why they can't find him.

UPDATE: Ear Stab Girl's husband is having Second Thoughts. This will not work out well for him.

UPDATE: Scary Mom is watching! Not TOO creepy!

UPDATE: That chin has to affect the tides.

UPDATE: I am really hoping the first drone hits Audrey and her douchebag husband.

UPDATE: I think President Devane's coolest move at this point would be to make weewee in his trousers.

UPDATE: THIGH SHOT!!!

UPDATE: Maybe a knee. Close enough.

UPDATE: Victoria's Secret has some important new products.

UPDATE: Next week: More shooting

UPDATE: Heat 79, Newts 76, but the Newts are shooting three.

UPDATE: Take it, The Amazing Steve.

Comments

[Siouxie]

Damn you, Dave. That. Is. All.

[Siouxie]

Also *snork* @ Audrey.

[tropichunt.com guy™]

Not gonna click it...nope, not gonna click it.

*click*

DAMMIT!

[Siouxie]

Oh I won't be joining the festivities tonight. Will come back later on and read all the shenanigans and the Amazingness of Steve. Carry on, blog people!

[Wes S.]

Speaking of "secret devices," I'm just surprised that Jack hasn't used a Slap Chop® as an interrogation aid yet...

[danceswithvowels]

So this not-24 show has crying or some nonsense. Will it never end?!

[ligirl]

looking forward to president hellter skelter

[Jeff Meyerson]

I am just praying - hard - that scary mom and ear-stabbing daughter will KILL AWWWWDREY very soon.

Either that, or they can bring back Marwan.

[Ивана Коновалов]

Czech, Chech . . . один два три

[danceswithvowels]

Closed caption: Something thudded.

[Homeybeef]

Sigh.... here we go again

[tropichunt.com guy™]

BLEEP! BLOOP! BLEEP! BLOOP!

JACK BAUER POWER HOUR!
JACK BAUER POWER HOUR!
JACK BAUER POWER HOUR!
JACK BAUER POWER HOUR!
J A C K B A U E R P O W E R H O U R !

(To The Angels "My Boyfriend's Back")

[Spoken:]
Jack went away and you hung around
Blogging something, Monday nights
And when Fox wouldn't renew the show
You typed things that weren't very nice

Jack Bauer's back and all're gonna be in trouble
(Hey-la-day-la Jack Bauer's back!)
He sees your thighs, better run out on the double
(Hey-la-day-la Jack Bauer's back!)

He's nowhere near the red, white and blue
(Hey-la-day-la Jack Bauer's back!)
Who watches who now 'cos there's no CTU?
(Hey-la-day-la Jack Bauer's back!)

(Hey, he wants you to be dyin')
('cos he knows that you been lyin')

Jack's been gone for four years now
(Hey-la-day-la Jack Bauer's back!)
Fox brought him back, it's a cash cow
(Hey-la-day-la Jack Bauer's back!)

Marwan is sorry that he was ever born
(Hey-la-day-la Jack Bauer's back!)
Because Jack's died twice (Talk about reborn!)
(Hey-la-day-la Jack Bauer's back!)

(Hey, he knows that you were blabbin'!)
(Now both your arms get a stabbin'!)
(What made you think that Jack would spare your thighs?)
(Wah-ooo, wah-ooo)
(You're a smug man now, but he'll shoot all of your guys)
(Wah-ooo, wait and see)

Jack Bauer's back and he's gonna save our great nation
(Hey-la-day-la Jack Bauer's back!)
Putting the Congress on a permanent vacation
(Hey-la, hey-la, Jack Bauer's back)

Yeah, Jack Bauer's back
(La-day-la, Jack Bauer's back)
Look out now, yeah, Jack Bauer's back
(La-day-la, Jack Bauer's back)

I can see him shootin'
(La-day-la, Jack Bauer's back)
So you better stop pollutin'.
(La-day-la, Jack Bauer's back)

Alright, Jack.

(La-day-la, Jack Bauer's back)
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah
(La-day-la, Jack Bauer's back)
Jack Bauer's back now
(La-day-la, Jack Bauer's back)

[Fades]
Know he's comin' after you
(La-day-la, Jack Bauer's back)
And it's time for you to shoo now...

Brought to you by: JackSack™ ("JackSack™ can carry the biggest balls! Such as the 15 pounder in your bowling bag in the closet. (Why are you looking at us that way?)") and ChloeSack™ ("The older she gets, the more you need the support of ChloeSack™")

LET'S GET READY TO ROOOOOOOOOOOOOMBLE!

This "24" intro was brought to you by Neil deGrasse Tyson, who reminds you that the clock in the opening credits is not blinking in the correct pattern based on the rotation of the planet, and that there are only three episodes of COSMOS left, including the Jack Bauer crossover in the series finale!

[danceswithvowels]

L
S
V
24

[Jeff Meyerson]

Hey, if we viewers had any discretion would we be watching?

[MartiniShark]

My day started poorly. I was kicked out of 24 Hour Fitness when I demanded I begin the Jack Bauer regimen.

[Wes S.]

Previously on "24:" Somebody hijacked a drone. And it wasn't Audrey. Alas.

[JT]

If THIS viewer had any discretion, I wouldn't be watching this. Fortunately, I don't.

[Gennita Low]

Made it home just in time! I'm ready for some kneecapping!

[danceswithvowels]

Yes, Jeff. I believe we have the discretion to do just that.

[LeDud]

Whoa Tropichunt! Almost a Song of Roland

[tropichunt.com guy™]

These plots are repetitive. They did this all last week.

[MartiniShark]

Thank goodness for this flashback opening -- I forgot much of last week's episode.

This, of course makes me Presidential material.

[danceswithvowels]

Between 1:00 PM and 2:00 PM. Your timezone may vary.

[Jeff Meyerson]

I guess in England Jack is driving a Volvo instead of the usual.

[Gennita Low]

So, it's the Evil Mother on the day after Mother's Day. Hmm.

[Homeybeef]

It took a wile to do this scene. Kiefer kept drinking the prop beer

[MartiniShark]

Pints, and a twitch from Keifer's face which wasn't in the script!

[tropichunt.com guy™]

JackSack™!

[LeDud]

2 1/2 beers....a clue....

[Gennita Low]

Of course Jack is going get blamed for ear-picking the guy.

[Jeff Meyerson]

"Damnit."

*drinks*

[Greg]

I guess the glass was half-empty.

[Daisymae]

Good to be back! Jack's back, you know.

[tropichunt.com guy™]

I want to see Chumbawumba playing Jackthumping.

[Ивана Коновалов]

Hey! I've ridden on that line!

[Jeff Meyerson]

Now they can drive through London with no traffic like they drove through Manhattan with no traffic.

[ligirl]

not a drop of blood on her ? you know, the one wearing the earwig

[tropichunt.com guy™]

Is that really the best image of Jack that you have? A gameboy camera could do better.

[Blogchik]

Рас! Два! Три!
Давай, Дэак! Давай!

[Daisymae]

So the red heads are the bad guys- Katelyn Stark is still mad because of the Red wedding!

[LeDud]

Agent Morgan is hot. Just sayin.

[danceswithvowels]

KatePossible is still trying to find out about Yeats. Shoulda looked on Wikipedia.

[Jeff Meyerson]

"This goes bad it's on YOU."

Right, the CIA Chief of Station sends them there and dumps all responsibility. Pretty realistic, actually.

[Homeybeef]

Kate's going rogue!

[Gennita Low]

Hey, she has Bauer Potential!

[nursecindy]

I'd say his weak spot right now is the back of his skull. We're gonna need more Tylenol.

[Jeff Meyerson]

Ah, Kate is a woman after Jack's heart.

[Gretchen]

Yay!!! You're all back!

[danceswithvowels]

Jack still hasn't mastered the driving-on-the-wrong-side yet.

[Blogchik]

Classic Jack Bauer move by Hot Blonde Chick.

[Gretchen]

@tropichut guy. I though it was Elton John.

[Daisymae]

On the subway (or el)?

[LeDud]

Is Jack setting up a perimeter ?

[Jeff Meyerson]

Jack has his murse!

Chloe knows all. "She's in the fifth car and she isn't wearing panties."

[Gennita Low]

Does the British subway move the Other Way too?

[Blogchik]

Their tube is posher than our subway.

[nursecindy]

The bullet wound in Jack's shoulder healed up awfully quickly didn't it? He doesn't even flinch when he moves his arm.

[danceswithvowels]

Uh oh. This train terminates ...

[tropichunt.com guy™]

She stabs her own thigh?!?

[Gennita Low]

Fake Russian chick is tough.

[Shane the Tacolad]

Did they really just use a split screen to show us simultaneous images of Jack and Chloe... while they were riding side by side in the SAME CAR? I love and missed you, 24.

[LeDud]

Did she just cut herself......

[Blogchik]

Watch out for ViciousKnifeRedhead!

[Wes S.]

Nice move by the skanky redhead to slow Jack's pursuit...

[Gennita Low]

Well, if there is no shooting thighs, we will have self-cutting thigh!

[Gennita Low]

Chloe got distracted!

[Gretchen]

Years ago it didn't have a name but Chloe is the QUEEN of bitchface.

[nursecindy]

Look to your left Chloe!

[MartiniShark]

I swear, there is a cruel irony here that a 24 month old won't let me watch 24.

[Jeff Meyerson]

Well, he is definitely at Charing Cross. He might as well walk over to the half-price theatre tickets place.

Maurice is dead?

[LeDud]

I missed episode one. I was on the Ohio Turnpike. Has Cloe gone goth ?

[Gretchen]

Kiefer has about the acting range of Kate Hepburn.

[Gennita Low]

Well, now we know why Chloe went Goth.

[Shane the Tacolad]

These 29 seconds of humanity are really impeding Jack's thigh count.

[ligirl]

jack will Find that truck driver & make him PAY

[tropichunt.com guy™]

Jack and Chloe share feels...

[Jeff Meyerson]

Poor Chloe. That explains why she went punk and is working for the losers.

[Blogchik]

The blood on her cheek is so inconspicuous....

Awwww....Emotional Chloe & Jack moment.

[Ednamode]

RIP Morris and Prescott.

[Greg]

This is just an excuse for losing the girl. Come on Chloe!

[LeDud]

"Helping others"..is that what you do Jack ?

[Wes S.]

Why is Jack talking with the Christian Bale Batman voice?

[nursecindy]

Chloe has been to one too many makeup parties although I hear her Avon lady loves her. Except for the shooting in the thigh thing.

[Jeff Meyerson]

"Or at least help me form a perimeter."

[Daisymae]

Wow! Heartbreaking!

[danceswithvowels]

Yes, LeDud. And she's turned over the schematics to the Ohio Turnpike to Wikileaks. But it's probably all good. Eventually.

[JT]

Morris and Prescott...man, it's been awhile. I vaguely remember their names. Any bets on whether Jack will avenge them?

[Daisymae]

Whatever...

[Pfflyernc]

Obligatory Victoria's Secret commercial...

[nursecindy]

Dave, I think Jack and Chloe were talking about LeBron James but I could be wrong.

[ligirl]

that gun was Bigger than tom cruise

[Gennita Low]

It's official. Anyone who loves Chloe dies. Everyone who loves Jack goes bananas AND dies.

[Daisymae]

Die Hard meets Groundhog Day!

[LeDud]

Healthy looking Victoria Secrets girls. I hope they don't cut themselves like that bad girl.

[Wes S.]

So the whole attraction to that new Tom Cruise flick "Edge of Tomorrow" is that we get to watch smarmy Tom Cruise die over and over?

Awesome. I've hated him ever since he slobbered all over Rebecca deMornay in "Risky Business."

:P

[Greg]

The Edge of Tomorrow looks like Groundhog's day with guns, ... but no Ned Briarson.

[Gennita Low]

Just in case you guys and girls didn't notice, the Dot of Doom is still at the bottom left side of the screen when you scroll down....

[danceswithvowels]

I like it, Daisymae!

[Shane the Tacolad]

Someone just said "I will find the man who did this," and IT WASN'T JACK. What gives?

[Daisymae]

I thought that was a piece of dirt on my screen.