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May 05, 2014


Here is where we stand:

Four years after killing (he had NO CHOICE, DAMMIT) approximately two-thirds of the population of North America, Jack Bauer is a rogue fugitive on the run in London, which is about to be visited by United States President William Devane, who is the target of an assassination plot and is also the father of Audrey, who we assume has pictures of the writers naked with an underage sheep, because there is no other explanation for why she keeps showing up in the plot.

Chloe, who has also gone rogue, is working for some kind of outlaw hacker group.

We don't know this for a fact, but we assume some evil villains are planning to perpetrate some kind of horrendous horror.

Edgar is still dead.

We'll be updating this post during the show as developments develop. After tonight's two-hour episode ends, The Amazing Steve will recap the plot in the comments; he says he'll have a post on the first hour right after the show, and a post on the second hour a little later.

UPDATE: Jack is now an African American! No, wait, that's somebody else.

UPDATE: All the women in the CIA are really hot.

UPDATE: Aparently they are very strict about homelessness in London.

UPDATE: The hoodie!

UPDATE: Beware the Hoodie of Doom.

UPDATE: They now have Jack in captivity, which is EXACTLY WHERE HE WANTS THEM.

UPDATE: President William Devane is uncomfortable with the drones.

UPDATE: We of course already distrust this smarmy douchebag.

UPDATE: "He's up to something." Ha.

UPDATE: Jack Bauer is also currently doing the samba on Dancing With The Stars. 

UPDATE: The hot blonde is already in love with Jack, and WHO CAN BLAME HER?

UPDATE: Jack is like, "Oh no! Please don't put me in handcuffs!"

UPDATE: OK, I am already lost with this Kate-and-Adam subplot.

UPDATE: "Special activities" sounds like they're going to make lanyards.

UPDATE: Jack has no lines in this. His bare chest does the talking.

UPDATE: They're doing Special Activities on Chloe!

UPDATE: Jack won the samba. There are a lot of wounded.

UPDATE: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO she's back, and of course she's married to the smarmy douchebag.

UPDATE: "Jack. Can I call you Jack?" Seriously? Somebody wrote that?

UPDATE: That was a major Glance Exchange, between Jack and the H.B.

UPDATE: Kate went rogue!

UPDATE: Nobody on this show EVER believes the obviously correct underling. 

UPDATE: How did they get Jack's shirt back on, with the handcuffs?


UPDATE: "You were really something Bauer, back in the day." THIS IS THE DAY, BUDDY.

UPDATE: He speaks!

UPDATE: "Nothing you haven't done." A low blow. Followed by a low blow.

UPDATE: Wasn't that in Pulp Fiction?

UPDATE: Jack didn't kill ANYBODY. He's getting soft.

UPDATE: Jack shot at Kate! It's like foreplay.

UPDATE: She can't say DROP YOUR WEAPON! That's what Jack says!

UPDATE: Always good to have a colleague nearby with an air-to-ground missile.

UPDATE: We're at war with the British?


UPDATE: The chief of staff is up his ass?

UPDATE: Chloe has several new chins.

UPDATE: "I don't have any friends." Aw, Jack. You need to stop killing them.

UPDATE: Drone subplot! Do we know the guy who said "It's done"?

UPDATE: Do we think they're going to start the second hour by recapping the first hour?

UPDATE: We BET you have your own procedures.

UPDATE: Kate has a man on the outside.

UPDATE: Chloe is living in Graffiti Kingdom with a creep.

UPDATE: "That's impossible." "Not for him."

UPDATE: Jack is not going to ask a third time.

UPDATE: "We're doing lots of backtracing, we may need some piggyback servers." We love it when Chloe talks dirty.

UPDATE: That woman has very dark roots.

UPDATE: It's the Drone Control Gang! And they're on shed-yule!

UPDATE: The Drone Control Gang has... a device!

UPDATE: The prime minister's jaw is the size of Montana.

UPDATE: Seriously, cattle could graze on that thing.

UPDATE: The Wooden Dialogue Generator is cranking away here.

UPDATE: Chloe can sulk and type at the same time.

UPDATE: Jack and Chloe, working together again. Aw.

UPDATE: Why are they wearing their overcoats indoors?

UPDATE: It's all gonna go down in West Ealing. 

UPDATE: Military justice moves VERY fast.

UPDATE: Zzzzzzzzzzzzz Let's go to West Ealing.

UPDATE: Can Chloe cut off that camera? Does a bear poop in the woods?

UPDATE: Is this Jack's first hanging?

UPDATE: "No offense, Mick."

UPDATE: Those guys were seriously outnumbered by Jack.

UPDATE: Jack, once again, gets shot by our side, which lets the real bad guy go. Way to go, our side!

UPDATE: It's been several minutes, so Jack has recovered from being shot.

UPDATE: Jack punches Kate. This is LOVE.



UPDATE: OK, so for now, the plot is about a Device.

UPDATE: Do we think Dark Roots is an agent?


UPDATE: "Mummy's waiting."

UPDATE: Next week: More shooting. Take it, The Amazing Steve.

UPDATE THE NEXT DAY: Don't miss The Amazing Steve's recap, which is... I am searching for a word here... amazing. Here's his secret:



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Of course he wanted you to catch him!

Hot blonde chick is smart.

Jack wants to get caught!?? OMG...you mean...he's engaging in trickery???

We have our first DAMMIT!


Huh, Jack wasn't granted the first "Dammit!"

grab her zucchini, jack

hey lady -- do u know just who yer yelling at?!

DAMMIT! And Jack didn't get to say it first.

Jack's vitals speak louder than words.

Is he an agent or a psychiatrist?

Oh hell...he faked the reaction. You know he has total autonomic control.

The first damn it and it wasn't from Jack

Jack ! Violent! Nah

As useless as Kate is, she's still smarter than the head of CTU.


I see Benjamin Bratt as a cop and all I picture him in as the cop from Catwoman.

Guess he failed upward.

Is he an agent or a psychiatrist? No.

Putting the whole BUILDING in danger??? He's really shrinking his scope, isn't he??? Since when does Bauer bother with BUILDINGS???

Jack has a beeping heart!

She understands how powerful the hoodie is. WHERE IS THE HOODIE?!? THE ENTIRE BUILDING IS IN DANGER!

David K., if you're reading this, please know that I miss you (and our missives) and think about you often. Well, maybe not often, but at least occasionally. I hope you're doing well.

bet she snuck jack her eyebrow pencil & he's gonna stab that guy in the throat

Are the writers rusty or was it always this bad?

why does she think shouting "who is it?" loudly is going to make him give up his clearly involved plan...does she have special shouting powers?

Why does Adam Sandler keep making movies? Does the studio need a tax write-off THAT BADLY?

Commercial for an Adam Sandler film, the terrorist upon our culture.

Don't tell me I'm the last one at the party again. Did I miss much?

Wood doesn't rust, Mare.

@ Mare

oh, it has been quite worse

Good call, dances.

Jack Bauer Jr.s first words: "Change my diaper? Dammit Mom, THERE'S NO TIME!!!"

11:34:00? What happened during the first 10 hours?
Boy, may I suggest Fox writers are lazy?

Or do they bring aboard a new "head" writer every

Mare, have you never heard us lament the Wooden Dialog Generator??

He was also the cop in Miss Congeniality

Chloe has gone all girl with the dragon tattoo

Since I came in late I trust somebody called him Trayvon Bauer at the start of things.

You know what this show needs? Some evil henchmen for Jack to kill...!

Jack's first three words: "Hi, Chloe, love!"

Anyone know if Victoria's Secret is having a sale?


@ funny may

seas. 1 wuz the only day that started @ midnite. most days started in the early a.m. I'm sure someone can find a list ...

Better not try that avocado nonsense with Jack!

Hoodie is on the loose! Look at what it made Kate do!

You were really something...back in the day. Well he's going to die

HB and Chloe will be BFFs

WE ARE ALL TERRORISTS! Jack, Chloe, those other people whose names I do not know, me, etc.

Oooh. Determined Blondie has something up her cardigan!

Running a cross-check on Jack...down load the schematics...

This could get ugly!

Never insult Jack Bauer.

I knew black agent is a Red Shirt.

CC: (grunts)

Of course..he got away.

Terrorist person plugs into to phone system?

So easy a child could do it!

Yeah. Back in the day. HAH! Take that!

YAY!!! Jack. Save Chloe! And fix her makeup.

*waves @ Suzy Q* Loooooooong time no see!

When Jack say "I can take you with both arms tied behind my back," be very afraid.

good ol' fashioned pistol=whipping!


Oh come on, Jack. Thigh shot the guy!

Jack and Chloe...together again!

I can break you with BOTH hands tied behind my back.

Yay Chloe! Jack got her all is well!

Stabbed in the thi...er..chest!


He inflated her!

John Travolta taught him that...

Jack pressures Wes Welker -- love it!

Nothing you haven't done.


I can't tell you how many times I tried that trick on my patients.

WHO had 11:43? ME, that's who!! WINNAH!!

holy cow Diva -- u called it @ 1143!!

Bauer's gone and the floor is littered with bodies!

A level-5 lockdown. I've missed this show.

Pbbbbt!! Meep meep!

Diva wins the Internet!!!

Jack escapes with Chloe!


Just your average guy standing on top of a van in London with a sub machine gun and no one notices

Fire in the hole!

THERE you are, Renee!! Sweet! Now we're only down by Doc Rick. I messaged him, but no luck.

So nobody notices the thug on top of a white van in daylight assembling a machine gun.

Also, *bows, trips on ego*

Okaaayyyy...if Jack WANTED to be caught, why did he go through the whole shoot-punch-run thing in the beginning?

There goes the building!



Jack's sportin some tats, too!

(Not that Tatu from Fastasy Island)

As hard as this may be to believe, there are times living in California SUCKS!

more letterbox screen splits...

Cardigan of Doom protects her from grenade!

Yvonne Strahovski FTW!!

Explosions at CTU, and yet no alarms going off. Figures.

HB got out the side door. Level 5 lockdowns ain't what they used to be.

Damn cable repair guy He is helping Jack - No wonder he did not come to my house today

She should have went rogue with Chloe and Jack

BB is distracting me.

@ JT

he's still Jack fer crying out loud!

And the gas explosion Gennita.

It's from the Anne Taylor Kevlar collection.

It's OK, Matt. You get to enjoy it twice!

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