24

Here is where we stand:

Four years after killing (he had NO CHOICE, DAMMIT) approximately two-thirds of the population of North America, Jack Bauer is a rogue fugitive on the run in London, which is about to be visited by United States President William Devane, who is the target of an assassination plot and is also the father of Audrey, who we assume has pictures of the writers naked with an underage sheep, because there is no other explanation for why she keeps showing up in the plot.

Chloe, who has also gone rogue, is working for some kind of outlaw hacker group.

We don't know this for a fact, but we assume some evil villains are planning to perpetrate some kind of horrendous horror.

Edgar is still dead.

We'll be updating this post during the show as developments develop. After tonight's two-hour episode ends, The Amazing Steve will recap the plot in the comments; he says he'll have a post on the first hour right after the show, and a post on the second hour a little later.

UPDATE: Jack is now an African American! No, wait, that's somebody else.

UPDATE: All the women in the CIA are really hot.

UPDATE: Aparently they are very strict about homelessness in London.

UPDATE: The hoodie!

UPDATE: Beware the Hoodie of Doom.

UPDATE: They now have Jack in captivity, which is EXACTLY WHERE HE WANTS THEM.

UPDATE: President William Devane is uncomfortable with the drones.

UPDATE: We of course already distrust this smarmy douchebag.

UPDATE: "He's up to something." Ha.

UPDATE: Jack Bauer is also currently doing the samba on Dancing With The Stars. 

UPDATE: The hot blonde is already in love with Jack, and WHO CAN BLAME HER?

UPDATE: Jack is like, "Oh no! Please don't put me in handcuffs!"

UPDATE: OK, I am already lost with this Kate-and-Adam subplot.

UPDATE: "Special activities" sounds like they're going to make lanyards.

UPDATE: Jack has no lines in this. His bare chest does the talking.

UPDATE: They're doing Special Activities on Chloe!

UPDATE: Jack won the samba. There are a lot of wounded.

UPDATE: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO she's back, and of course she's married to the smarmy douchebag.

UPDATE: "Jack. Can I call you Jack?" Seriously? Somebody wrote that?

UPDATE: That was a major Glance Exchange, between Jack and the H.B.

UPDATE: Kate went rogue!

UPDATE: Nobody on this show EVER believes the obviously correct underling. 

UPDATE: How did they get Jack's shirt back on, with the handcuffs?

UPDATE: WHOA! KATE!

UPDATE: "You were really something Bauer, back in the day." THIS IS THE DAY, BUDDY.

UPDATE: He speaks!

UPDATE: "Nothing you haven't done." A low blow. Followed by a low blow.

UPDATE: Wasn't that in Pulp Fiction?

UPDATE: Jack didn't kill ANYBODY. He's getting soft.

UPDATE: Jack shot at Kate! It's like foreplay.

UPDATE: She can't say DROP YOUR WEAPON! That's what Jack says!

UPDATE: Always good to have a colleague nearby with an air-to-ground missile.

UPDATE: We're at war with the British?

UPDATE: PERIMETER!!!

UPDATE: The chief of staff is up his ass?

UPDATE: Chloe has several new chins.

UPDATE: "I don't have any friends." Aw, Jack. You need to stop killing them.

UPDATE: Drone subplot! Do we know the guy who said "It's done"?

UPDATE: Do we think they're going to start the second hour by recapping the first hour?

UPDATE: We BET you have your own procedures.

UPDATE: Kate has a man on the outside.

UPDATE: Chloe is living in Graffiti Kingdom with a creep.

UPDATE: "That's impossible." "Not for him."

UPDATE: Jack is not going to ask a third time.

UPDATE: "We're doing lots of backtracing, we may need some piggyback servers." We love it when Chloe talks dirty.

UPDATE: That woman has very dark roots.

UPDATE: It's the Drone Control Gang! And they're on shed-yule!

UPDATE: The Drone Control Gang has... a device!

UPDATE: The prime minister's jaw is the size of Montana.

UPDATE: Seriously, cattle could graze on that thing.

UPDATE: The Wooden Dialogue Generator is cranking away here.

UPDATE: Chloe can sulk and type at the same time.

UPDATE: Jack and Chloe, working together again. Aw.

UPDATE: Why are they wearing their overcoats indoors?

UPDATE: It's all gonna go down in West Ealing. 

UPDATE: Military justice moves VERY fast.

UPDATE: Zzzzzzzzzzzzz Let's go to West Ealing.

UPDATE: Can Chloe cut off that camera? Does a bear poop in the woods?

UPDATE: Is this Jack's first hanging?

UPDATE: "No offense, Mick."

UPDATE: Those guys were seriously outnumbered by Jack.

UPDATE: Jack, once again, gets shot by our side, which lets the real bad guy go. Way to go, our side!

UPDATE: It's been several minutes, so Jack has recovered from being shot.

UPDATE: Jack punches Kate. This is LOVE.

UPDATE: SCHEMATICS! A MULTI-CHANNEL OVERRIDE SYSTEM!! 

UPDATE: DAMMIT!!!!!

UPDATE: OK, so for now, the plot is about a Device.

UPDATE: Do we think Dark Roots is an agent?

UPDATE: She IS!

UPDATE: "Mummy's waiting."

UPDATE: Next week: More shooting. Take it, The Amazing Steve.

UPDATE THE NEXT DAY: Don't miss The Amazing Steve's recap, which is... I am searching for a word here... amazing. Here's his secret:

Comments

[Ford79]

Greetings, 24 fans! Here’s a welcome-back limerick with an acrostic homage to Our Hero:

By now we all know 24:
Audrey sobbing, and Jack at death’s door;
Utter chaos, widespread;
Edgar, sadly, still dead;
Really ludicrous plots. We want more!

[ligirl]

yippee! *toasts* dave & steve - May the fifth be with you! *buuuuuuuurp*

[Siouxie]

That was cruel Dave!

[tropichunt.com guy™]

Checking in! Perimeter is ready!

[Dave]

I said it was horrendous.

[Jesme]

Shouldn't you guys be doing this on Twitter now?

[tropichunt.com guy™]

Jesme: Thank you. The door to the exit is on your right.

[SigBauer]

@ trop.

good one ...
:-)

[Cricket54]

*forming perimeter*

[Ednamode]

The perimeter has been breached!

[SigBauer]

annnd, pretty sure most folks culdn't keep their thoughts to 140 char. anyway ...

[ligirl]

steve, amazingly, nearly done w/ 1st hour recap . . .

[SigBauer]

awesome move by Steve to give us the summary in two parts btw ...

[Homeybeef]

So we're really doing this? This is actually happening? What the hell? Why? why is this happening?! DAMN IT!

Hi everyone.

[Steve (The 24 Guy)]

ligirl, ha! I wish. :-) Ready to go though!

[Spooge Mojito]

It's been a loooooong four years . . . ; )

[Diva]

DAVE. Really. The first one of these in years and we get Manilowed? You are such a GUY.

Plus, I miss Mawan.

[Homeybeef]

Also, there are a bunch of police outside of my house right now. I believe they've set up a perimeter.

[Gennita Low]

My thighs are ready!

[Brad]

Waiting for my first perimeter

[tropichunt.com guy™]

BLEEP! BLOOP! BLEEP! BLOOP!

JACK BAUER POWER HOUR!
JACK BAUER POWER HOUR!
JACK BAUER POWER HOUR!
JACK BAUER POWER HOUR!
J A C K B A U E R P O W E R H O U R !

(Set to Queen's "The Show Must Go On")
(HUMBLE APOLOGIES to Freddie, who is turning over in his grave...)

No Jack Bauer - what are we living for
Just Matt Lauer - I guess we're really bored
On and on....does anybody know what we're waiting for...

So now the UK, is where our Jack resides
Waiting for the day, when his world collides
Hold the line, is a terrorist lurking behind that door?

The show must go on,
The show must go on
Inside my thighs are aching
Jack's bullet, no mistaking.
"DAMMIT" goes on and on

Marwan or Behrooz, Bauer leaves none to chance
No more C4 bombs, or nuclear fire ants
On and on, everyone knows exactly what we're watching for

Jack must be dying, he's really angry now
But he'll stop dying, 30 secs from now

Outside the gas is spreading
But inside CTU the inept breathe free

The show must go on,
The show must go on
Inside my thighs are aching
Jack's bullet, no mistaking.
"DAMMIT" goes on and on

Chloe is painted like a bad teen goth nightmare
LAN sockets of hacked networks she opens and installs her warez
She is spry, my friends

The show must go on
The show must go on
Jack'll take it on the chin
He's never giving in
On with the show!

Jack'll top the bill, he'll overkill
He always finds targets to practice on
On with the -
On with the show -
The show must go on...

Brought to you by: JackSack™ ("You can't get rid me me that blimey easily! Even if I don't like Beyonce!") and ChloeSack™ ("Bloody hell, how did we get caught up in this?")

LET'S GET READY TO ROOOOOOOOOOOOOMBLE! AGAIN!

This "24" intro was brought to you by the creators of Jar Jar Binks, who happily remind you that "yousa gonna be enjoying a lottuva me in the next Star Wars fi.." *BAM BAM BAM BAM BAM* *THUNK*

[Diva]

HOMEYBEEF!!!! I was hoping you'd be here. :D I feel like the family's all here now.

[SigBauer]

hm, cold open. no clock.

[tropichunt.com guy™]

Viewer discretion! I better not watch after all...

[Diva]

VIEWER DISCRETION IS ADVISED!!!!! AND HEEEEEEEEERE WEEEEEE GOOOOOO!!!!!

[danceswithvowels]

Real Time Tracking -- Engaged!

[nursecindy]

Nooooooooo! My cable box just decided to reboot itself. Why????

[Homeybeef]

Every one of these people is the mole

[danceswithvowels]

They're on to you, nc!

[Gennita Low]

All races are represented, yo!

[Arctic Al]

Is this the new Chloe clone?

[Cheesewiz]

Roller drone!

[Diva]

Where's Renee (The First)?

[JT]

I think I saw Hogan's Heroes doing the same thing once!

[Arctic Al]

Neat little robot

[Betsy]

Gun shots! shaky cameras!

[Gennita Low]

But what about the perimeter????!

[Diva]

Genn, they did some serious diversity training in the intervening years.

(I had the same thought.)

[Arctic Al]

Another dumb agent down

[Diva]

IT'S JACK!!!!

[Brad]

He's Back!

[Spooge Mojito]

Want Chloeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!!!

[judithebarberho]

ah, the old 'pretend you're sleeping under a blanket" ploy. good job, jack!

[tropichunt.com guy™]

JACK!!!!

[Arctic Al]

Jack 3 CTU 0

[Betsy]

HIM! It's him!

[Gennita Low]

JACK IN THE HOOD!

[Arctic Al]

4-0 for Jack

[Diva]

Dave, they're more lenient about homeless people in France. Ask Richard Gere.

[Marianne Kirk]

Jack's back!

[ligirl]

*snork* @ dave's update - jack's gone dark, but not that dark

[tropichunt.com guy™]

This goes to show you how dangerous hoodies are.

[Spooge Mojito]

JAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAACCCKK!!!

[Cricket54]

Thigh shot is imminent.

[Betsy]

The closed captioners have an easy job tonight...kpow! gunshots! kpow! More shaky camera....

Damn it! move!

[SigBauer]

didn't the hoodie used to have invisibility powers?
:-)

[danceswithvowels]

Yay, unexpected moves that make no sense (to, um, blondes).

[Annie Where-but-here]

pssst, Sophie - Monday is probably a good date night....

[Arctic Al]

Yay for the clock!

[Diva]

Dude. You're right behind him and you can't get his thigh? Where did you go to shooting school?!

[Cheesewiz]

The years have not been kind to Jack

[tropichunt.com guy™]

Fools. He still has his hoodie!

[Gennita Low]

Damn, Jack, you shoulda remember the perimeter!

[Dennis Packer]

Waitaminit: The one time a perimeter actually works and it's Jack that get's caught?

[JT]

Jack's gotten rusty in four years...no one died in the first seven minutes.

[nursecindy]

My cable is back. I will be forming a perimeter around a certain cable company tomorrow.

[funny man]

All this commotion over Jack's unpaid [Londondium]
[arking tickets?

[Homeybeef]

The secretary of offence returns as the president

[Gennita Low]

Well, the US government has not been kind to Jack. Sob.

[Spooge Mojito]

WTF?!? Wrong History.

[Betsy]

Franklin Roosevelt??? WhoTF is that??? The President's oooooold

[Diva]

Roosevelt. ROO-se-velt. I ... can't even.

[nursecindy]

Theodore, Franklin. They're both the same. Is the president losing it?

[danceswithvowels]

Soto voce: I'll be dead soon.

[Arctic Al]

Oh crap, you caught Jack Bauer? We're screwed.

[Betsy]

OMG OMG OMG

oooooooo kilometers!!!

[funny man]

President Greyhair slams cheif of staff with Jeopardy
comment!!!

[tropichunt.com guy™]

Not just Jack Bauer, but Jack Bauer in a hoodie!

[CDJ]

Subplot - the President has a wee bit of Alzheimers . . .

[Diva]

We have a senile president. OH, man. The jokes are gonna just write themselves. Which is a good thing because the writers have no experience with it....

[Gennita Low]

Special activities! Jack cannot be broken!

[Homeybeef]

hehehehe unit

[Dennis Packer]

Special Activities People? Really? Torture within the first 15 minutes? A new record.

[nursecindy]

Jack up to something? Ya think?

[Betsy]

Up to something??? Jack???

[Gennita Low]

We need a thigh shot, Jack! Show them your special activity!

[Annie Where-but-here]

"Hogan's Hoodies"

[Ednamode]

Sarah Walker is now working under the alias Kate Morgan. Hope Chuck knows about this.

[Diva]

Apparently this season the Wooden Dialog Generator managed to get his girlfriend the Planlike Facial Expression Originator hired.

[funny man]

11:11:31 Of course Jack's up to something. He is upset because he never fihured out what happened to his fake son in Touch And he has no idea if the writers included his "real son"...

[funny man]

Or his daughter, before I get slapped...

[nursecindy]

If I worked around Jack I'd get some type of kevlar shields for my thighs.

[Diva]

DAMMIT. *drinks* That was supposed to say "Planklike Facial Expression Originator."

[tropichunt.com guy™]

People are protesting Jacks arrest. Surprise.

[Betsy]

Driving in gate on wrong side ...confirm UK location

[Gennita Low]

Shhh, don't mention daughter or Kim will show up.

[danceswithvowels]

Droninators!

[tropichunt.com guy™]

I sense this show is on drone control already.

[Diva]

I have yet to hear someone say, "He wants to talk to you as soon as you get in. He sounded really thrilled!"

[Betsy]

Screw your wife. No...wait: Don't.