Dave Barry's Blog

CSI: LUND

Swedish cops nab man for having big muscles

(Thanks to Joe in Japan)

VILAS COUNTY

Land of Excitement

(Thanks to Bill Hudgins)

WHAT'S THAT SMELL?

At pop-up cat cafe in N.Y., you can eat, drink alongside cats

(Thanks to Pirateboy)

WE'RE WITH HIM

British burglar, 58, breaks out of prison to escape incessant hip-hop music

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson)

LADIES DAY AT ASCOT

Drunk, pregnant racegoer jailed for biting woman's face during fight

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson)

DON'T WORRY ABOUT THOSE CREDIT-CARD BILLS

The chance of a city-killing asteroid striking Earth is higher than scientists previously believed.

(Thanks to The Perts)

WITHOUT RULES, WE WOULD HAVE ANARCHY

High school senior kicked out of prom for wearing pants

(Thanks to nursecindy)

IN THAT CASE, SIR, YOU ARE FREE TO GO

SC Man: Sorry I Was Naked in Walmart, But I Accidentally Took Meth Instead of Ecstasy

(Thanks to Charles Cates)

IF YOU HAVE ANY REMAINING DOUBTS ABOUT THE TRUE NATURE OF SQUIRRELS

...watch this.

(Thanks to Claire Martin and Charles Cates)

OR ARE YOU JUST HAPPY TO SEE ME?

Cops find loaded gun in Tennessee woman’s vagina

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson)

IT HAS A 'DANGEROUS PROPENSITY'

Retired nurse sues for $275,000 in Oregon pet duck attack

(Thanks to Jon Harris)

SEND THEM TO WASHINGTON

Super-vermin rats have become too smart to trap

(Thanks to Jay Brandes)

AT LEAST HE DIDN'T HAVE IT TATTOOED ON HIS NECK

Man named Edward Cocaine arrested for drug possession

(Thanks to bonmot, Loudmouth, Ralph and funny man)

AS A GREAT THINKER ONCE SAID, THERE IS A FINE LINE BETWEEN A HOBBY AND A MENTAL ILLNESS

His goal is a simple one: To collect every copy of Speed on VHS ever made.

(Thanks to John Gregg)

YOU THINK?

A Kansas man charged with first-degree murder is afraid the tattooed mirror-image letters spelling out the word "murder" across his neck might prejudice a jury

(Thanks to Charles Cates)

SOON WE WILL HAVE NO CONSTITUTIONAL RIGHTS LEFT

TN man arrested attempting to sell panties at bus station

(Thanks to Bill Hudgins)

LEADING THE WITNESS

Dog testifies in court in French murder case

(Thanks to Ned Tugent)

THERE IS NO GOOD REASON FOR THOSE THINGS TO BE IN CIVILIAN HANDS

Suspect uses potato in attempted robberies

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson, funny man, Rob Simbeck and Bill Hudgins)

IF THAT DOESN'T REFUTE HIS POINT, WE DON'T KNOW WHAT WILL

A Fort Campbell woman leaving an Easter service with her family was arrested Sunday after allegedly trying to run over her husband in the church parking lot because he disapproved of her driving skills.

(Thanks to Sharon [The Minx] Lurie and Jeff Meyerson)

'THE DISPATCHER PROMISED TO SEND SOMEONE TO CHECK IT'

Florida woman calls police over sun halo in the sky

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson)

DYNGUS DAY UPDATE

Buffalo, N.Y., Gathers Pussy Willows for Dyngus Day

(Thanks to Joe in Japan)

GET THAT NOBEL PRIZE READY

Powdered Alcohol ("Palcohol").

(Thanks to Charles Cates)

WE SAW THEM OPEN FOR PHISH

Killer Sponges

(Thanks to The Perts)

THAT'S A LOT OF EMPTY BUNS

Kraft recalls 44,000-kg of Oscar Mayer wieners

(Thanks to Jon Harris and The Perts)

APPARENTLY 'WI-FI HOTSPOT' IS SLANG FOR 'DOUCHE'

A onesie that can turn you into a wi-fi hotspot has been developed by a Dutch fashion designer.

(Thanks to Ralph)

WHAT THE HECK HAPPENED TO THE BLOG?

We have been unable to post anything for the past few days because Typepad was hit by -- and here we are quoting the Typepad people -- "a distributed denial of service (DDoS)." This is technical jargon: It means "squirrels."

AUSTIN UPDATE

So here I am.

The locals are VERY excited.

THERE IS NOTHING LOWER

Mass. men busted with 20 pounds of illegal elvers

(Thanks to wiredog, who says he saw the Illegal Elvers open for the Wu Tang Clan. "Heckuva show.")

CSI: YPSILANTI

The search for the poopetrator may soon be over

(Thanks to Ned Tugent)

NO HANDS, BUT A *LOT* OF CONTACT

Bubble soccer.

(Thanks to Peter Metrinko)

IT SELLS THE CLOTHES ON EBAY

The Asian Jungle Crow, a large-billed crow, actually builds its nest out of coat hangers that it steals from people’s homes!

(Thanks to Ralph)

WE HOPE SHE DOESN'T DO ANYTHING RASH

Husband fears diaper-cream heiress, 83, is being duped by her personal trainer

(Thanks to Peter Metrinko)

GUYS IN ACTION

Drunken Murfreesboro man mows someone else's yard

(Thanks to Sharon [The Minx] Lurie)

MOVE OVER

Sheffield shopping centre introduces overtaking lane

(Thanks to Suzie Q. Wacvet)

TERRORISM UPDATE

Suspicious ticking package revealed to be metronome

(Thanks to Ralph)

YIKES

Centipede tears through viper’s stomach after being swallowed alive

(Thanks to Suzie Q. Wacvet)

AUSTIN

I'm heading to Texas today for a show tonight in Austin. Austin is known for many things, including bats. I am sincerely hoping not to see any.

TO CATCH A PERVERT

Male cop dressed as Amish woman for two months

(Thanks to Jon Harris)

THEY WERE ALL USED TO MAKE RAFTS

Condom shortage hits Cuba

(Thanks to Loudmouth and Rob Simbeck)

THOSE THINGS CAN ALSO BE DEADLY

Man 'armed with bar of TOBLERONE tried to hijack plane to Sochi Olympics'

(Thanks to Not My Usual Alias)

THOSE THINGS CAN BE DEADLY

'Explosive' turns out to be old diaper

(Thanks to Unholy Slacker)

GET THAT NOBEL PRIZE READY

Fake fingernails fitted with LEDs and a tiny antenna - causing them to light up when close to a smartphone - have been shown off by a Japanese toy maker.

(Thanks to Ralph)

*SOMEBODY'S* GOING TO BE SLEEPING ON THE SOFA

A Warrenville man allegedly took his wife’s clothes to the dump because she allegedly took his NASCAR cars from their bedroom.

(Thanks to Charlie Law)

MEANWHILE IN SPORTS

Soccer fan arrested for dumping several kilograms of anchovies on team’s bench before a game described as a ‘disgrace to Greek football’

(Thanks to Peter Metrinko)

SPAWN OF SATAN UPDATE

Pet cat attacks Roseville family, 3 taken to hospital

(Thanks to Chuck Cody)

WE MUST DO EVERYTHING WE CAN TO SUPPORT HIM, INCLUDING THE USE OF ATTACK DRONES

Toronto Mayor Rob Ford kicks off reelection bid

(Thanks to Allen at Division and Craig Roberts)

THERE IS NOTHING MORE UNNATURAL THAN NATURE

Females have penises in sex-reversed cave insects

(Thanks to Craig Roberts, RussellMc and Rich Steurer)

We saw them open for the Toxic Moths.

WE SAW THEM OPEN FOR GERRY AND THE PACEMAKERS

Britain has been invaded by toxic moths.

(Thanks to DaninTustin, who says "France etc.")

WE'RE BACK

Sorry the blog was down earlier. We blame the squirrels.  

IT'S RELEVANT TO *EVERYTHING*

How Breast Implant Size is Relevant to Tax Policy

(Thanks to John Gregg)