Dave Barry's Blog

THERE ARE TIMES WHEN WE DON'T KNOW WHAT'S REAL, AND WHAT'S FROM THE ONION

This is one of those times.

(Thanks to Unholy Slacker)

'RUNNING FREE?'

Smuggler caught with 22 bears running free in his car tried to convince customs officials they were dogs

(Thanks to Ryan Jentzsch)

AS OPPOSED TO PASSIVELY

Man wearing trash bag as a disguise aggressively robs Salinas Jack-in-the-Box at gunpoint

(Thanks to Ryan Jentzsch)

HE WON'T GET FAR ON FOOT

Woman kicked purse-snatcher in testicles, Volusia deputies say

(Thanks to Ryan Jentzsch)

IN THAT CASE, MA'AM, YOU ARE FREE TO GO

Marion woman laughed when asked if she was drunk

You know the state.

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson)

GUESS THE NAME OF THE UNIVERSITY

Now there’s a porn academic journal.

(Thanks to Charles Cates, who says "now we're all scholars.")

SOME DAY ATMs WILL HAVE THIS CAPABILITY

Man asks bank teller to spank him

(Thanks to Jon Harris)

FRANCE ON HIGH ALERT

Germany seizes cocaine-filled condoms sent to Vatican

(Thanks to Bill Hudgins)

INCREDIBLY, THIS DID NOT HAPPEN IN FLORIDA

8 arrested with guns, drugs and an alligator

(Thanks to Craig Roberts)

SONY OPEN UPDATE

Today I went to the same practice court where yesterday a large crowd waited in vain for Roger (Roger!) Federer, and there was another large crowd waiting, this one for Novak Djokovic (pronounced "Novak Djokovic"). There was a guy on the court, but it wasn't Djokovic; it was this guy skipping rope.

He also did some stretching exercises. This one is for professionals only.

I'm not sure why he felt the need to warm up; the temperature was 18,000 degrees. Random spectators were bursting into flames. We stood around perspiring for quite a while, and I was beginning to think that "Novak Djokovic" was an imaginary character you never actually see, like the Easter Bunny or Roger Federer. But then Djokovic actually appeared and commenced whacking the ball with the warmup guy, to the great excitement of those members of the crowd who had not expired.

Everybody took lots of pictures.

Tennis appears to be a sport where the fans don't need actual competition: They just want to see the stars. I think they'd have been happy if Novak just showed up and did some situps, or pruned a hedge, or repaired a washing machine. Which for the record would still be more exciting than golf.

AND THE SO-CALLED 'UNITED NATIONS' DOES NOTHING

To mark the 50th anniversary of "It's A Small World," Disney is planning a global sing-along.

(Thanks to Rich, and John Regan)

THUNDER FROM DOWN UNDER

He messed with the wrong male strippers.

(Thanks to Rich)

ROCKY MOUNTAIN HIIIIIIIIGH

Beer taps installed in Colorado governor's mansion

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson)

THEY COULD BE HIDING ANYWHERE

Elephants on the run in Missouri after escape from circus

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson)

WHEW

Chicken 'Embryo' In Campbell's Soup Probably Just Regular Dead Chicken

(Thanks to Ralph)

THE SONY OPEN, OR WAITING FOR ROGER (WITH UPDATE)

Today I went to the Sony Open tennis tournament on Key Biscayne, because (a) it's a great way to spend the day, and (b) it's basically the only chance I have to see Mrs. Blog, who's the Miami Herald's tennis writer. Here's the stadium court, starting to fill up for the day. If you look closely, you can see two people in shorts whacking the ball back and forth, which is the very essence of tennis.

 

As you can probably tell by viewing this photo with a microscope, the particular match was between "Stanislas" (on the left) (or the right) and "Warwinka." The final score was approximately  6-9, 7-16, $43.57, 3.14159265359 (I do not totally understand tennis scoring).

But a lot of the action is on the outskirts of the tournament.  Mrs. Blog and I wandered over to one of the practice courts, where we encountered a large crowd that was convinced Roger Federer (Roger Federer!) was going to come there to practice. This rumor -- Roger is coming! -- circulated constantly, drawing more and more people; the crowd filled the grandstands and crowded along the fence clutching cameras, giant tennis balls and Sharpies, hoping an autograph from Roger. (Roger!)

 

Mrs. Blog and I stood there for 40 minutes waiting for Roger, and despite the heat and humidity and occasional wafting b.o. fumes it was totally worth the wait, because finally, some people came around the corner, and sure enough, none of them was Roger. (Roger!)

 These people went on to the court and commenced whacking the ball. Meanwhile the crowd, sensing that Roger (Roger!) was not coming, streamed out.

We wandered over to another court, where a player named Marcos Baghdatis had just finished practicing and was signing autographs for fans, of whom there were not that many because, for all his talent, he is not Roger (Roger!).

There are many things to do here aside from watch tennis. You can eat and drink, for example.

 Also you can shop and visit booths providing information on various things such as Thailand.

To be honest, I don't know why Thailand set up a booth here. Maybe they heard Roger (Roger!) was in the area.

I did see a couple of disturbing things at the Sony Open. For one thing, there appears to be rampant gender discrimination.

I think the politically correct term is "Persons of Ball."

Also apparently the Russians have invaded Key Biscayne.

But other than that, it's a wonderful event. (Roger!) 

UPDATE:

After I wrote this report, we encountered some fans wearing the Miami version of sensible footwear:

After I left, Mrs. Blog was walking back to the media center. As she passed the player parking lot, she saw a small knot of very excited fans. Guess who was there, graciously posing for selfies:

 

CALL ME TAPIO HIETIKKO

The Finnish Name Generator

(Thanks to CJ "Jouko Saari" Run)

MAKES FOR AN EASIER SEARCH

A 26-year-old Virginia woman was arrested Saturday after she arrived naked at the Arlington County Magistrate’s Office to visit her husband, who had been arrested in Clarendon earlier that day.

(Thanks to funny man)

WE SAW PHALLIC MOLLUSK OPEN FOR WHITESNAKE

U.S.-Grown Phallic Mollusk Banned In China

(Thanks to Unholy Slacker)

SHOWDOWN AT THE GOLDEN CORRAL

Senior Food Fight Lands Early Bird Diner In Jail

(Thanks to Chris Elzi)

DRUGS ARE BAD, N'KAY?

Firefighters rescued a man who fell into a tank of sewage at the treatment plant on Puget Sound in Seattle’s Discovery Park.

(Thanks to Unholy Slacker and Craig Roberts)

GET THAT NOBEL PRIZE READY

Sitting around really DOES give you a fat behind

(Thanks to The Perts)

SO GO HOME TO BURMA, ALREADY

Giant Burmese pythons have map and compass senses which help them travel "home" over vast distances, scientists have been surprised to discover.

(Thanks to Ken Fineberg)

ATTENTION, WALMART SHOE SHOPPERS

Police are searching for a man who posed as a podiatry student and sucked the toes of a woman trying on shoes at a Walmart in North Carolina.

(Thanks to Ryan Jentzsch and coscolo)

YET ANOTHER REASON TO BAN THIS SPORT

Titanium golf clubs linked to fires at Calif. golf courses

(Thanks to Annie Where-but-here)

SEND HIM TO WASHINGTON. ALSO THE DOG.

Lehigh County man delivers big bag of dog poop to officials at municipal meeting

(Thanks to Unholy Slacker)

BULLETIN BULLETIN BULLETIN

Honey Boo Boo eats cheese straight from the can

(Thanks to Chuck Cody)

HOME

Lucy is very happy to see me.

STRUMPDATE, FINAL ENTRY?

The Blog and The Minx and the Cheez-its, oh my.

FINAL STRUMPDATE FOR NOW

Nice big happy crowd last night at the Louisville Public Library. Thanks to everybody who came to that event, and all the other events dating back to when this book tour started during the French and Indian War. I'm heading home to Miami today and will resume regular blogging tomorrow. If "regular" is the word I am looking for.

GYMTIMIDATION

Planet Fitness: No fit people allowed.

(Thanks to Stephen Stockum)

GOING DUTCH

We are NOT making any jokes about dikes, thank you very much, Art Silverman

AND THE 102ND ONE HAPPENS TOMORROW

They say they've compiled a list of the 101 most insane things that have ever happened in Florida.

(Thanks to everyone)

We wonder when they started.

STRUMPDATE: STAGGERING TO THE FINISH LINE

Tonight at 7 I'll be at the Louisville Public Library talking about You Can Date Boys When You're Forty. There will be a 5,000-gallon vat of mint julep.

Last night I had a nice event at Maryville University; thanks to all who came out. Afterward I had dinner with fellow author C.J. "Chuck" Box, a fine author who's touring for his new book, Stone Cold. Chuck is a western individual who wears an actual cowboy hat, which is how I was able to locate him in the restaurant. Here we are after a few beverages, preparing to ride out of the hotel onto the range to wrangle some heifers. 

ST. LOUIS STRUMPDATE

I'm doing an event tonight for Left Bank Books at the Maryville University Auditorium. The people of Missouri seem friendly and outgoing.

CSI: BEGORRAH

Beloved Armstrong Hotel cat stolen during St. Pat's festivities

(Thanks to Claire Martin)

HAPPY ST. PATRICK'S DAY, II

What judi said. Also, please celebrate responsibly.

HAPPY ST. PATRICK'S DAY

Shake a leg, hoist a pint, and be careful out there.

STRUMPDATE

I'm heading to Houston today for a 6 p.m. Brazos Bookstore event at the Main Street Theater. Thanks to all the nice people who came to last night's event at the Dallas Museum of Art, which is so arty that it even has artistic floor numbers in the parking garage.

That's me on the left.

One thing I am learning, traveling around this great land of ours, is that many people start celebrating St. Patrick's Day before it is actually St. Patrick's Day. Some of the people in my Dallas hotel apparently started in January.

STRUMPDATE

Tonight at 7:30 p.m. I'll be at the Dallas Museum of Art, where I will be posing naked talking about You Can Date Boys When You're Forty.

Had a great time last night in Petaluma Petaluma Petaluma. Thanks to all the drunk enthusiastic folks who came out.

Backstage at the Mystic Theatre in Petaluma

MOTHER'S DAY IS COMING

Here's a very special way to tell Mom you're thinking about her.

(Thanks to Claire Martin)

GIVE THAT ALERT STAFF MEMBER A RAISE

Deputies said they were called out to the USA Economy Lodge on Asheville Highway on Friday morning after hotel staff checking a room noticed that the toilet was missing from the bathroom.

(Thanks to ken fineberg)

HEY, TWITTER PEOPLE

From 9 to 9:45 a.m. Pacific I'll be doing a chat for Parade Magazine (#ParadeChats) about You Can Date Boys When You're Forty.

Also at noon I'll be doing a luncheon (with my brother Sam) at Book Passage in Corte Madera, and at 8 p.m. I'll be doing an event for Copperfield's at the Mystic Theatre in Petaluma, which is fun to say, Petaluma Petaluma Petaluma.

Thanks to all who came out to see me in Oakland last night.

BUILDING A SECOND BATHROOM MIGHT BE EASIER

A domestic confrontation over “not putting the toilet seat down” resulted in the arrest of a North Dakota man for allegedly roughing up his sister, who had complained about his bathroom habits...

 (Thanks to Ralph K. and Ryan Jentzsch, who must be REALLY bored)

Related story, thanks to Unholy Slacker

SPEAKING OF "GUESS THE STATE"

Guess the state: Authorities installed red-light cameras near the emergency room entrance at University Hospital in...

(Thanks to Bill Jones and Ryan Jentzch)

THE GREAT PENGUIN SWEATER CONTROVERSY

We saw them open for U2.

(Thanks to Ryan Jentzsch)

WE CALL IT "GUESS THE STATE"

But "Fake or Florida" will do.

CHAINSAWS ON A BEACH

Key quote: “I keep telling myself: In Venice, you never know what you’re going to see. And every time I think I’ve seen it all, something else happens.”

(Thanks to Ryan Jentsch)

DUE TO OUR STRICT POLICY...

...blah blah blah.

(Thanks to Unholy Slacker)