Dave Barry's Blog

CANADIAN POLITICAL UPDATE

At last: A choice.

(Thanks to Claire Martin)

PEOPLE OF BROWARD COUNTY:

On April 8 I'll be doing a benefit event for Broward Bulldog, an organization working to keep investigative journalism alive in South Florida. It'll be at the Fort Lauderdale Museum of Art; details are here. Speaking of investigative journalism, there will be cocktails.

BAA VINCI

Sheep Herded Into Louvre By Protesting Farmers

(Thanks to Fabian Marson and Ralph)

ANYBODY SEEN CHARLIE SHEEN LATELY?

MOORHEAD – Police said they were forced to use a Taser on a man who was found drunk, naked, running around waving his arms and yelling in a public parking lot here Thursday morning.

(Thanks to Fred Hudson)

HE HAS OUR SUPPORT

Darth Vader Running for President of Ukraine

(Thanks to Ralph)

Related: Alaskans petition White House to make state part of Russia

(Thanks to Craig Roberts)

SOON TO BE A MAJOR MOTION PICTURE

Tumbleweedocalypse

(Thanks to wiredog)

FRANCE ON HIGH ALERT

GANGS OF SUPER BUFF WOMEN ARE MUGGING TOURISTS IN HONG KONG

(Thanks to John Mayson)

ONE BY ONE THEY ARE STRIPPING AWAY OUR FUNDAMENTAL HUMAN RIGHTS

A South African performance artist is being tried in a French court after parading in front of the Eiffel Tower with a live cockerel attached to his penis.

(Thanks to Steve Midkiff and Unholy Slacker)

MOTOR COMPANY OF THE WEEK

Unfortunately our strict policy prohibits us from presenting the Motor Company of the Week.

(Thanks to ligirl)

CLEANLINESS IS IMPORTANT

Cheese factory in Siberia closed after employees bathe in milk

(Thanks to Jay Brandes)

PLANNING A TRIP TO AUSTRALIA?

Really?

(Thanks to Jonh Harris)

THIS HAPPENS FAR TOO OFTEN

Florida man accused of going on drunk machete rampage after vomiting on cellphone

(Thanks to Bob Brogan)

GUYS IN ACTION

Romanian man swallows fork in drunk bet

(Thanks to ligirl)

THESE ARE PRETTY GREAT

Dad Turns Videos Of His Toddler Into Insanely Cool Action Movies

(Thanks to ligirl)

YO, CANADA

You can get the Taco Bell breakfast 'when you take Justin Bieber back'

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson and Ralph)

THE SCIENCE IS SETTLED

The National Institute of Scientific Research in Brussels has identified global warming to be a significant contributor to erectile dysfunction.

(Thanks to Roberto)

ANYBODY SEEN CHARLIE SHEEN LATELY?

Emergency personnel responded to a call Saturday evening of a man stuck approximately four stories up in a tree wearing no clothes.

(Thanks to Hal Lockhart)

BRILLIANT

Norwegian teen gets tattoo of McDonald's receipt showing what he ordered on Tuesday

(Thanks to nursecindy and Janice Gelb)

WHY WE NEED STRICT FEDERAL CONTROLS

Robert James Mills appeared in the Invercargill District Court yesterday for assaulting his mother with a lettuce.

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson)

SHE HAD HER REASONS

Wisconsin woman attacks DJ during 30th birthday party over his song selection

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson, who says "I'm guessing alcohol and the repeated playing of 'Copacabana' were involved.)

COMRADE FLIPPER

Russian Navy Now Has Control over Crimea’s Elite Dolphin Unit

(Thanks to Charles Cates)

SEND THAT STONE TO WASHINGTON

Grossman passes kidney stone during gubernatorial debate

(Thanks to Charles Cates)

OOPS

A punch-drunk man from Bulawayo’s National Railways of Zimbabwe Westgate compound is in trouble with his in-laws after he mistook his visiting mother-in-law for his wife and fondled her buttocks.

(Thanks to Ralph)

THIS WAS INEVITABLE

Woman named Crispi tried to set ex's house on fire with bacon

EW

BARRY MANILOW STRIPS DOWN TO NOTHING BUT A PIANO ON NEW ALBUM

(Thanks to Unnholy Slacker)

HE WAS RELEASED AFTER PRODUCING A VALID FLORIDA TRICYCLE LICENSE

A naked man riding a tricycle was arrested and charged with being under the influence of cocaine Tuesday evening, police said.

(Thanks to Barbara A, Charles Cates and Bill Jones)

PERIMETER!

'24: Live Another Day' trailer shows Jack Bauer's back in fighting form

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson)

FRANCE ON HIGH ALERT

Monster 16-inch rat terrifies Swedish family in kitchen

(Thanks to Charles Cates and DaninTustin)

ON THE MOTORWAYS OF MIAMI, THIS WOULD BE SEEN AS MORE OF A CHALLENGE THAN A WARNING

But any drivers tempted to give this a try next time they are on the motorway should be warned; the car would need to be travelling at 119 million miles per hour to make the number plate invisible.

(Thanks to Rich Steurer)

TRY PRESSING CONTROL-ALT-DELETE

Indiana jail official blames ‘a lot of electronic things’ for woman placed in all-male cell block

(Thanks to Charles Cates)

PUKING IS STILL OK

Levi’s Stadium, Home Of 49ers And Super Bowl L, To Ban Bugles, Reptiles, And Spilling Anything

(Thanks to Gargoyle Socks)

THIS JUST IN

Vietnam Sees Dong Pressure Ease as Bad-Debt Resolution Firms Up

(Thanks to Unholy Slacker)

WE'LL JUST HAVE ANOTHER BEER

Guinea Bans Bat Eating to Curb Ebola Spread, Warns on Rats

(Thanks to R & L Stevenson)

FROM THE FUN CAPITAL OF THE WORLD

Male university students in North Korea are now required to get the same haircut as their leader Kim Jong-un

(Thanks to Chuck Cody)

Related: These Are North Korea’s 28 State-Approved Hairstyles

(Thanks to Joanne Fineberg)

ATTENTION, MOTORISTS

Massive Corndog Spill Shuts Down Highway

(Thanks to Bill Hudgins, Jeff Meyerson and Suzie Q. Wacvet)

IT'S A START

Deputies: Man hit girlfriend with anger management book, both arrested

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson, Will Dooley and coscolo)

THIS NEVER FAILS

Man burned down home to impress woman

(Thanks to Jon Harris)

IF THAT'S ILLEGAL NOW, WE'RE GONNA NEED WAY MORE PRISONS

A 42-year-old Delray Beach woman was arrested after she threw a "hissy fit," according to an arrest report.

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson)

THE NEWS FROM ENGLAND

Woman terrified of CHEESE bursts into tears at the sight of it

This has been The News From England.

(Thanks to DaninTustin)

THE BRAINS ARE FROM GOATS

Brewery creates ‘Walking Dead’-inspired beer made with real brains

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson)

STAY CLASSY, FLORIDA MAN

Naked Florida man scares 6-year-old girl after having sex in Walgreens bathroom

(Thanks to Bill Hudgins)

RELATED: Florida man gets trapped in bathroom during failed panty raid

(Thanks to Bob Brogan)

HOUSTON, WE HAVE A... WHOA

Early NASA diapers forced astronauts to disclose the size of their manhood

(Thanks to Craig Roberts)

GUYS IN ACTION

Man douses house fire with miso soup

(Thanks to Joe in Japan)

WE'RE GUESSING CHANNING TATUM

What women want on the dance floor, according to science

(Thanks to Jon Harris)

WHY YOU SHOULD ALWAYS CARRY A SELF-DEFENSE PIE

Mysterious clown sightings creeping out Staten Islanders

(Thanks to Allen at Division and Jeff Meyerson)

RELATED: Meet the crab spider that looks just like the clown in hit Stephen King film 'It'

(Thanks to ubetcha)

ART LOVER OF THE WEEK SO FAR

A Spanish tourist startled visitors to Florence’s Uffizi gallery on Saturday after stripping naked in front of one of the most famous artworks of the Renaissance.

(Thanks to Joe in Japan)

A FLORIDA LICENSE IS ON THE WAY

An Australian man allegedly caught riding a motorised chilly bin found himself in hot water after blowing more than six times the alcohol limit.

(Thanks to Joe in Japan)

In case you're wondering what a motorized chilly bin is:

(Photo by Bob Eighme)

 

'MULCH MADNESS'

Cape Coral woman slapped, kicked Lowe's customer for 'cutting in line,' police say

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson)

For the record, slapping and kicking are wrong. But so is cutting in line.

PUTIN IS BEHIND THIS

Escaped water buffalo run loose in Sydney, trample azaleas

(Thanks to wiredog [who says "Not the azaleas!"] and Janice Gelb)

CANADA!

Aromafork emits smells to enhance food’s flavour

(Thanks to Janice Gelb)