Dave Barry's Blog

HE IS 'UNABLE TO WORK' BECAUSE OF THE 'EMOTIONAL DISTRESS'

Man sues McDonald's for $1.5 million 'because they gave him only one napkin'

(Thanks to Joe in Japan)

REAL ESTATE PROFESSIONAL OF THE WEEK

Unfortunately our strict policy prohibits us from presenting the Real Estate Professional of the Week.

(Thanks to Unholy Slacker)

SMART

A suburban Chicago man accused of operating a methamphetamine lab appears in his booking photo wearing a T-shirt from the television show "Breaking Bad."

(Thanks to John Gregg)

CANADIAN TRAFFIC REPORT

'Snowboob' Causes 100-Car Pileup Outside of Toronto

This has been the Canadian Traffic Report.

(Thanks to Suzie Q. Wacvet)

'SERIOUS' IS ONE WORD FOR HIM

The Guy Who Wants to Sell Lab-Grown Salami Made of Kanye West Is "100% Serious"

(Thanks to Jon Harris)

YET THE WILD BEAVERS ARE IN ENGLAND

Weeks after President François Hollande's affair with an actress was revealed, a Europe-wide survey has shown the French are the continent’s worst philanderers, while British are the least likely to cheat

(Thanks to Bill Hudgins)

FRANCE ON HIGH ALERT

Wild beavers seen in England for first time in centuries

(Thanks to Bill Hudgins, DaninTustin, Rob Simbeck, John Gregg and Jeff Schneider)

CSI: INDIA

Parrot Helps Cops Solve Murder Mystery

(Thanks to Steve @ Secret Location and plhubbard)

THEY WERE RELEASED AFTER PRODUCING VALID ETC.

Two dogs take a joyride and crash truck into river

(Thanks to Horace LaBadie)

COLLEGE

Utah students caught smoking pot in igloo on campus

(Thanks to Ryan Jentzsch)

*WHAT* THOUGHT PATTERNS?

The Nordic Society for Invention and Discovery is the brains behind “No More Woof” -- technology that aims to distinguish canine thought patterns and then issue them as short sentences via a microphone.

(Thanks to Janice Gelb and Rick Day)

OOPS

An email call for a recruitment meeting that should have gone out to about 1,000 jobseekers went out to considerably more people, about 61,000 – apparently all the registered job seekers in Stockholm, police said.

(Thanks to coscolo, who says, "The dangers of 'send all.'")

SO THERE'S THAT

Polar vortex chill exterminated 95 percent of stink bugs in Va. Tech experiment

(Thanks to Janice Gelb and plhubbard)

SOCCER: SPORT OF PASSION

The broadcast of the highlights from Ross County's game with St Mirren was delayed on Saturday, because it took five hours to edit out all the swearing from the terraces.

(Thanks to Ralph)

FLORIDA WILDLIFE UPDATE

The South American invader can grow up to four-and-a-half feet long and lays up to fifty eggs at a time.

(Thanks to Mark Schlesinger and RussellMc)

GUESS THE NAME OF THE HOSPITAL WHERE HE WAS TREATED

Mother claims self-defense after tearing scrotum of former 'on-off' boyfriend, 57, during violent row

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson)

NO THANKS

Eat Mushrooms That Grow Off the Top of This Living Lampshade

(Thanks to DaninTustin)

1940 CENSUS UPDATE

Unfortunately our strict policy prohibits us from presenting the 1940 Census Update.

(Thanks to Unholy Slacker)

WOOF, DUDE

Vets Seeing More Dogs Eating Edible Marijuana

(Thanks to Bill Hudgins, Charles Cates and DaninTustin)

MEANWHILE DOWN UNDER

Bruce the dog offered a personal cheque by Darwin council for his testicles

(Thanks to Unholy Slacker)

BUT IT SMELLS GREAT

Massive maple syrup spill snarls Oklahoma traffic

(Thanks to Jay Brandes and Bill Hudgins, who says "we're gonna need a lot more pancakes.")

ATTENTION, MEN

The Penis Museum hunts down The Final Member for its exhibit

(Thanks to Ryan Jentzsch)

YOU WILL NEVER GUESS THE STATE

Suspect: I didn't know cocaine is illegal

MEANWHILE ABROAD

Woman suffers five-day erection of the clitoris after taking anti-depressants

(Thanks to Ryan Jentzsch)

FILL 'ER UP

New Hyundai Vehicle Fueled By Poo

(Thanks to Monique)

'MY FASHION STATEMENT IS A LITTLE EDGY'

Brooklyn’s hipster beard craze has grown so popular that men in New York are rushing to doctors for “facial hair transplants” — surgery that helps make beards look thicker and less patchy, sources said.

(Thanks to DaninTustin)

NATURALLY IT WORKED

Female driver uses her breasts as an excuse when stopped by Lincolnshire Police

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson)

WE, PERSONALLY, WOULD RATHER EAT THE BOOT

The World's Largest Oyster

(Thanks to R&L Stevenson)

And yes, both the oyster and the boot have valid Florida drivers' licenses.

THE FLORIDA EDUCATION REPORT

Pantless teacher's aide charged with DUI

This has been The Florida Education Report.

(Thanks to Ryan Jentzsch)

BEER ALSO HELPS

People think more objectively when in darkness

(Thanks to coscolo)

WE'RE ON OUR WAY

Beer 'cheaper than water' in shops

(Thanks to Mike G)

AN APPEAL FROM A DAD

Update: Hey, thanks to all those who voted. You guys are great.

My daughter, Sophie, is taking part in  a project at her school, Carver Middle in Miami. They could use your help, if you have a couple of minutes.

Here's an explanation from Mrs. Blog:

Sophie is heading to Austin, TX, with one other student and her science teacher next week as Carver Middle School is one of 15 national finalists for a $140,000 SAMSUNG grant. There were 2,300 applicants, and Carver already won the state contest ($20,000 of science equipment), and advanced to national contest, where they were selected Top 15. In Austin, they will present their project to SAMSUNG panel of judges and a convention of educators. Top 5 earn more grant $ up to $140,000 for first prize (Sophie goes to a public school, and they could all the help they can get). The project, which Sophie has been very involved in, is about testing local schoolyards and parks for lead and arsenic and compelling public officials to clean up where toxins are found. One of the 5 finalists will be chosen by Social Media voting. If you have a minute, and want to help, click here and vote for Carver. Takes 1 minute. They will ask for your e-mail address only to confirm that you vote just once per day:) Thanks.

If you watch the video, the first voice you'll hear is Sophie's.

MONTANA SOCIAL NOTE

Intruder caught watching porn in Butte garage

(Thanks to J.R. Absher)

THERE IS NO GOOD REASON FOR THOSE THINGS TO BE IN CIVILIAN HANDS

Without warning the woman then picked up a large bream from the counter and slapped the worker across the face before running out of the store

(Thanks to Not My Usual Alias)

WE'RE GONNA NEED A BIGGER ZIPPO

Container with 11 MILLION cigarettes washes up on British beach

(Thanks to Ron G.)

YES, AND YOUR POINT IS....

Polish inspectors found 'green' meat at Irish processing plant

(Thanks to 

WOW

Warren's genitals were tattooed with the phrase, "STRONG E nuf 4 A MAN BUT Made 4 A WOMAN."

(Thanks to Jon Harris, who says, "Ouch?")

HE CRACKED THE CASE

Marrero man shot in buttocks arrested after doctor finds cocaine in his clenched cheeks, authorities said

(Thanks to Matt Filar)

THIS IS EXACTLY THE KIND OF EMERGENCY FOR WHICH 911 WAS DESIGNED

A man who escaped from DeSoto police custody is now in jail after calling 911 to complain his handcuffs were too tight.

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson and Mark Buckley)

YIKES

The urban hyenas that attack rough sleepers

(Thanks to John Mayson, who says "I saw Urban Hyenas open for The Clash at the Orange Bowl.")

WE NEED TO SEND FEDERAL HELP

Missouri spelling bee runs out of words during 'legendary' showdown

(Thanks to Will Dooley)

SCIENCE

How Huge Young Stars Hang On to Gas

(Thanks to Bill Hudgins, who says "sadly, this is not about justin Bieber")

HORN-TOOTING

Here's a nice review of my new book from a mom blogger who is clearly very discerning.

MEANWHILE DOWN UNDER

Bums bared in bid to break world record for the largest nude ocean swim

Advisory: Bared bums.

(Thanks to Allen at Division)

THE MIAMI TRAFFIC REPORT

Naked man walks the Rickenbacker Causeway; motorists get eyeful

This has been the Miami Traffic Report.

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson)

THIS GUY IS BASICALLY OUR FAVORITE HUMAN EVER

Rob Ford leads Canada's hockey celebrations and injures groin by running into fire hydrant

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson and The Perts)

'LOOKING TO SELL A 10 METRE MANGO'

Thieves try to unload giant mango online

(Thanks to Janice Gelb)

TERRORISM UPDATE

Grocery truck fire extinguished on Hume Highway, firefighters dodge exploding baked bean tins

(Thanks to Ralph)

WHEN PEOPLE TRY TO TELL THIS BLOG THERE'S NOTHING FUN TO DO IN PASCO

...this blog begs to differ.

(Thanks to Craig Roberts)

JUST WHAT WE NEED

Virginia Tech’s College of Engineering has created a giant, autonomous robot jelly fish.

(Thanks to Janice Gelb)