Dave Barry's Blog

A NICE WAY OF PUTTING IT

On Jan. 24, 2014, Dot altered her degree of participation in those and various other localities and now resides somewhere over the rainbow.

(Thanks to Rob Lucas)

TODAY IN BUSINESS

UK backs Dong for 'suction bucket'

This has been Today In Business.

(Thanks to Unholy Slacker)

THAR SHE BLOWS

Whale poo could help oceans absorb CO2

(Thanks to Chuck Cody)

NEW ZEALAND: WHERE MEN ARE MEN

Man fights off shark, stitches up own leg, goes to the pub

(Thanks to Jan in Grimsby, Steven Pudlo and Craig Roberts)

HARD TO BLAME IT

Watch runaway bull charge across motorway and headbutt oncoming motorcyclist after escaping from a canned meat factory

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson, who says "it was released after producing a Florida license.")

WE DIDN'T KNOW CATS USED THOSE THINGS

Out of date condoms and dentures donated to Cats Protection

(Thanks to Ryan Jentzsch)

FOLLOWED BY A PIZZA-ORDERING CONTEST

Denver County Fair will feature joint-rolling contest this summer

(Thanks to Omniskeptic and Rob Simbeck)

AS IF MERE BULLETS COULD KILL HIM

Is time running out for Jack? Bauer gets SHOT as Kiefer Sutherland films high-octane scenes for 24

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson)

WE CAN'T TELL WHETHER THIS IS GOOD OR BAD

Tatas now only half as small as PSUs

(Thanks to Unholy Slacker)

GET THAT NOBEL PRIZE READY

Scientists Create Peanut Butter Jellyfish

(Thanks to Bill Hudgins, who says "Thanks, we'll have another beer.") (Also thanks to Omniskeptic)

ATTENTION, 'SWOOBS' SUFFERERS:

Beauty brands launching deodorant for your boobs

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson)

YOU KNOW THE STATE

Big Pine Key homeowner has gun range in his yard, and it’s totally legal

(Thanks to Allen at Division)

TERRORISM UPDATE

Flatulent cows start fire at German dairy farm

(Thanks to Michael Huber and Peter Metrinko)

IT WAS A CONSENTING MAILBOX

High school teacher arrested for dry humping his mailbox in the nude

(Thanks to Unholy Slacker)

TRAFFIC ADVISORIES

A crash involving a big-rig carrying 56,000 pounds of wine snarled traffic on northbound U.S. Highway 101 in Santa Rosa Monday morning, a California Highway Patrol officer said.

(Thanks to Gargoyle Sox, who says "We're going to need more cheese.")

76,000 pounds of beef ribs burn in Ludlow big rig fire

(Thanks to Annie Where-but-here, who says "Not so well done. WTFBBQ?")

Hundreds of chickens made a brave bid for freedom when a truck transporting them overturned on a motorway in China

(Thanks to Ralph, who says "See the video.")

PRIORITIES

Man runs into burning home to save his Xbox

(Thanks to Andrew Mendez and Bill Jones)

STRUMPDATE

A sensitive and heartfelt conversation between me and P.J. O'Rourke.

THERE'S PROBABLY A PERFECTLY INNOCENT EXPLANATION

A competitor in an Atlantic City, N.J., poker tournament was arrested Friday, days after plumbers found $2.7 million in counterfeit chips in a clogged toilet.

(Thanks to The Perts)

WHO SAYS THERE ARE NO JOBS OUT THERE FOR FORMER NEWSPAPER PEOPLE?

Not this blog.

(Thanks to The Perts)

BE ON THE LOOKOUT

A thief enjoyed a pack of pork chops and a box of macaroni before leaving a Carter Street home with the kitchen chairs and a coffee pot last week, Shelbyville police were told Thursday.

(Thanks to Bill Hudgins)

FRANCE ON HIGH ALERT

Doves released in the Vatican as a gesture of peace are immediately ATTACKED by vicious seagull and crow

(Thanks to Omniskeptic, Rob Simbeck, Janice Gelb and DaninTustin)

EVERY PARENT WILL NOD KNOWINGLY

Teen found sleeping in home while firefighters battle fire

(Thanks to Craig Roberts)

AND YOU THOUGHT IT WAS JUST AN EXPRESSION

UK weather: cats lifted 6ft off ground in 'mini tornado', says eyewitness

(Thanks to Omniskeptic)

PUTTING THE POT IN POTLUCK

Teacher brought marijuana-laced food to after-work potluck

(Thanks to Jon Harris, Jay Brandes and Loudmouth) 

FOCUS ON HIGHER EDUCATION

Unfortunately our strict policy prohibits us from presenting the Focus on Higher Education.

(Thanks to Peter Metrinko) 

WHY WE DRINK BEER, REASON #2,038

An Italian manager causes at least 1,000 euros of damage opening a bottle of fizzy spumante by sending its cork sailing straight through a valuable 18th century oil painting

(Thanks to coscolo)

AND THE SO-CALLED 'DEPARTMENT OF JUSTICE' DOES NOTHING

IHOP manager treats employees to Barry Manilow concert

(Thanks to Chuck Cody)

WARNING: When you click on the link, you will hear B.M.

THIS COULD PRODUCE AN UNUSUAL TAN

Rio sewage protesters take toilets for beach sit-in

(Thanks to Unholy Slacker)

IF A DEER FARTS IN THE WOODS...

...does it end up on YouTube?

(Thanks to Claire Martin and Ralph)

OR, TERROR

The worlds most high tech bra which only unhooks on detecting true love

(Thanks to Janice Gelb)

BECAUSE DOGSLEDS IN ALASKA ARE EASILY CONFUSED WITH MODIFIED SHOPPING CARTS IN NEW YORK CITY

Alaska sled-dog race organizers tell NY's Idiotarod 'cease and desist'

(Thanks to Ralph)

'THERE'S QUITE A FEW VARIATIONS. I'M NOT SURE I UNDERSTAND THEM ALL.'

Mayor wants to change name of Stillwater Log Jam because of Urban Dictionary definition

(Thanks to Ralph)

HUH

Human skulls found at Salem recycling center belonged to dead man, officials say

(Thanks to Jeffrey Brown)

TODAY'S SPORTS UPDATE

Unfortunately our strict policy prohibits us from bringing you Today's Sports Update.

(Thanks to Unholy Slacker)

NAME THAT STATE!

Norris Troutman told a deputy Jan. 9 that his 48-year-old uncle was "mocking" him so he hit him in the head with the toilet seat lid, the report states.

(Thanks to Unholy Slacker, Chris Elzi, Jeffrey Brown and Jeff Meyerson)

DUDE, IT'S CRACKLING

NJ man sold Rice Krispies as marijuana, Lakehurst police say

(Thanks to Barbara A)

These two statements strike this blog as contradictory:

• Erving is charged with distribution of imitation marijuana.
• The girl [buyer] is charged with a drug offense.

 

THEY'RE HERE

Ibiza holiday jet in near miss with UFO over Reading

(Thanks to Loudmouth)

VALENTINE'S DAY IS COMING

£40 alarm clock doubles up as a VIBRATOR

(Thanks to Another Ralph)

STAND TALL, SUNSHINE STATE

Between 1998 and 2007, 824 public officials in Florida were convicted on public corruption charges at the local, state and federal level. According to a tally compiled by the New York Times, that was more than any other state.

(Thanks to Evan Johnson)

WHICH CAN BE EVEN *MORE* DEADLY

Airport security suspect explosive, find haggis

(Thanks to Janice Gelb)

HE HAD HIS REASONS

A man in Norway was last week sentenced to 14 months in prison for demolishing his elder brother's house with a fork-lift truck.

(Thanks to Not My Usual Alias)

THEREBY CAUSING IT TO PLAY 'GLORIA'

Man Beaten with Guitar at N. Concord BART Station on Wednesday

(Thanks to Gargoyle Sox)

INSANE PERSONS UPDATE

Now there are two teams planning jumps of the Snake River Canyon.

(Thanks to Craig Roberts)

EVERYBODY OUTSIDE *NOW*

There Is a Recall on Exploding Toilet Parts

(Thanks to Gargoyle Sox)

INCREDIBLY, SUBSTANCES APPEAR TO HAVE BEEN INVOLVED

A man walks into a Tunstall bar... naked from the waist down carrying a bag of sex toys – and says 'what's the problem?'

(Thanks to Allen at Division and Ryan Jentzsch)

WHAT COULD POSSIBLY GO WRONG?

Staff at the University of Silesia in Opava decided to use students to make the film to save costs and told them to focus on the best things about student life.

(Thanks to Ralph)

'ON ONE OCCASION I FOUND FOUR BRAS HANGING UP'

Residents on the Badminton Estate - owned by the Duke of Beaufort - have said they are being plagued by groups of men congregating in farm buildings dressed in PVC, fairy wings and tutus.

(Thanks to Jon Harris)

BECAUSE OUR BRAINS ARE ALREADY PACKED WITH CRITICAL INFORMATION SUCH AS WHO WON THE 1960 WORLD SERIES*

Gender differences found in memory; men have more problems remembering

(Thanks to Ryan Jentzsch)

*Duh. The Pirates.

AND PEOPLE SAY THERE'S NO PROOF OF GOD'S EXISTENCE

Kaelin Bell's Blueberry Muffin Looks Just Like Her Chihuahua

(Thanks to Suzie Q. Wacvet)

ATTENTION, EVIL PARENTS:

2014 Oscar Mayer Wienermobile: First Vehicle for "Lease" Exclusively on Twitter

(Thanks to Jay Brandes and Not My Usual Alias)