Dave Barry's Blog

SPORTS UPDATE FROM DOWN UNDER

Police were reportedly breaking up a fight when the crowd turned on them and one officer's scrotum was targeted.

(Thanks to Unholy Slacker)

WHAT???

Florida is NUMBER SIX?????

(Thanks to Not My Usual Alias)

HOLD OFF ON THAT NOBEL PRIZE FOR THE WEDDING UNICORN

In what is described as "a breakthrough moment for humanity", a British bloke has constructed a tricopter designed to remotely deliver a full English breakfast of bacon, egg, sausage, mushroom and tomato ketchup.

(Thanks to Janice Gelb)

SURVIVAL SKILL OF THE WEEK SO FAR

Making beer on in the wilderness.

(Thanks to John Gregg)

IT'S THE MOST WONDERFUL TIME OF THE YEAR

People from all over the Phoenix area told 3TV they have had Christmas decorations stolen from their properties this holiday season.

(Thanks to Ryan Jentzsch)

Woman dubbed 'the Grinch' for stealing a neighbor's Christmas decorations sentenced to 70 YEARS in prison

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson)

Santas Brawl Near Union Square

(Thanks to Rob Simbeck)

YES, BUT WHO'S ON THE COVER OF PEOPLE MAGAZINE MORE OFTEN?

Jesus the most famous person in the world — Justin Bieber 8,633rd

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson)

GET THAT NOBEL PRIZE READY

Katy Perry the Wedding Unicorn: she sneezes glitter, pees lemonade, and shoots pink fire

(Thanks to Janice Gelb and Ryan Jentzsch)

IMAGINE THE SHRINKAGE

Snowmobile nudist confuses Swedish town

(Thanks to Ryan Jentzsch, Unholy Slacker and Ralph)

IT'S THE MOST WONDERFUL TIME OF THE YEAR

Boy, 11, Arrested For Punching Grandmother In Face After She Refused To Buy Him Toy At Department Store

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson)

IT'S FRANKINCENSE, OFFICER DUDE

Pennsylvania State Police say they found 20 pounds of marijuana in boxes wrapped as Christmas presents inside a minivan after a traffic stop.

 (Thanks to Ron G.)

THEY ARE MINIONS OF SATAN

Man Allegedly Stole Over $200,000 To Buy Cat Food

(Thanks to Janice Gelb)

EMPLOYEE OF THE MONTH

Wal-Mart Employee Arrested For Shooting Co-Worker’s Car Over Award

Guess the state.

(Thanks to Robert Mathis, John Gregg, Bill Hudgins, Ryan Jentzsch and Jeff Meyerson)

IT'S VOMIT-COLORED

UK wants you to tweet the color of your vomit

(Thanks to funny man)

BE ON THE LOOKOUT

Zebra on the loose in Tennessee

(Thanks to The Perts)

YOU BETTER WATCH OUT

Seriously. Watch out.

(Thanks to Jan in Grimsby)

WHOA

Goats on a dam.

(Thanks to The Amazing Steve)

SOMEONE HAD TO DO IT

A Slough greengrocer spent a day finding out how many Brussels sprouts it takes to fill a Mini.

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson)

MEXICAN LEGISLATOR OF THE WEEK SO FAR

Lawmaker Strips in Congress to Protest Energy Bill

(Thanks to Janice Gelb)

THIS TURNS OUT TO BE A BAD IDEA

Firefighters mistakenly pump jet fuel on fire instead of water

(Thanks to Dave French)

FLASHBACK MIAMI

Here's a new site from the Miami Herald with some great old photos.

NOT TO MENTION THAT THEY OPENED FOR BUFFALO SPRINGFIELD

Surprising study reveals warty comb jellies are our earliest relatives

(Thanks to Ross Holley)

'I JUST NEVER LIKED MY TRACHEA'

Bruce Jenner to remove Adam's apple

(Thanks to Chuck Cody)

YOU MIGHT WANT TO REWORD THAT

"Out my backdoor?" Really?

(Thanks to Scott Weston)

LOVE IS IN THE AIR

You were the hot brunette with curves that farted near the produce this weekend.

(Thanks to Unholy Slacker)

Mr. Language Person must ask: "Curves that farted?"

THE NO-FUN BRIGADE STRIKES AGAIN

James Bond is an 'impotent drunk'

(Thanks to PirateBoy, Jon Harris and The Perts)

THIS HAPPENS FAR TOO OFTEN

A chainsaw-wielding man wearing fishnet stockings chased a Mr Whippy van down the street after a stag party got out of hand.

(Thanks to Ralph)

NEVER GO ANYWHERE WITHOUT ONE

Authorities in Oklahoma said a man found naked in a guitar case was trying to keep warm after falling through ice.

(Thanks to Ralph)

SO DON'T SWEAT THOSE CREDIT-CARD BILLS

Collapse of the universe is closer than ever before

(Thanks to Nelson from Michigan and Ross Holley)

CANADA: LAND OF EXCITEMENT

The producer of Manitoba's top quality hog carcass will be named this week as part of Hog Days Brandon

(Thanks to Chuck Cody)

WE SAW THEM OPEN FOR THE SHONDELLS

Mysterious ice balls falling from heavens

(Thanks to Jay Brandes)

GOOD GIRL

An injured dog has limped to find help for her unconscious owner after they were plowed down by a speeding car while out on a walk.

Of course the dog was named Lucy.

(Thanks to Jeffrey Brown)

THAT HAD TO HURT

Rooster testicles seized at NZ border

(Thanks to Ryan Jentzsch)

WHAT COULD POSSIBLY GO WRONG?

Scientists create 'robotic sperm'

(Thanks to coscolo, Jeffrey Brown and Jeff Schneider)

WHY YOU SHOULD BE GLAD YOU DIDN'T LIVE IN VICTORIAN ENGLAND

Reason Number 3: Exploding toilets.

(Thanks to Clay Schluchter) (Also Thomas Crapper)

ATTENTION, L.A.-AREA PEOPLE

Peter and the Starcatcher is playing through January 12 at the @AhmansonTheatre, and through December 30 there's a special $49 ticket offer. For tickets call 213.972.4400 and refer to promo code “STAR,” or go to www.centertheatregroup.org/STAR

MEANWHILE IN ENGLAND

Police 'told to leave Queen's nuts'

(Thanks to Barbara A and Craig Roberts)

AVOID THE MEAT AISLE

A court heard how Mr Freitas had ‘fully intended’ to go shopping on July 8 but became overwhelmed by his ‘excessive sexual drive’.

(Thanks to Rick Chandler)

THEIR NAMES ARE 'BRITTANI' AND 'CHARM'

Two Californian sisters have both been given boob jobs - by their plastic surgeon father.

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson)

SENSITIVE DAD OF THE WEEK SO FAR

"Better him than me."

(Thanks to Claire Martin and Jan in Grimsby)

TODAY'S TOP HEADLINES FROM AROUND THE WORLD

Presidential office denies tracking Wang

New look Beavers yet to find winning touch

This has been Today's top Headlines From Around The World.

(Thanks to Unholy Slacker)

HUH

Huh.

(Thanks to Ken Fineberg)

CLASSY!

Raunchy gingerbread cookies.

(Thanks to Mike Zlotnick)

THEY WON'T GET FAR WITHOUT GRAHAM CRACKERS AND MARSHMALLOWS

The search is on for a truck stolen in Volusia County that was carrying $120,000 worth of Hershey's chocolate.

(Thanks to Greg Snow and Bill Hudgins, who says "Put them behind bars.")

JUST PUTTING IT OUT THERE

If anybody could appreciate my idea for "National Eat Like A Viking Day", it's you Dave.  Anyone who could turn Talk Like A Pirate Day into a national phenomenon has no need of The Force or help of Kathleen Sebelius to get this thing rolling. 

Some background:  the pipes froze at work and so we couldn't run the dishwasher this week; we were out of forks and spoons, nothing left but knives.  Rather than eat leftover ravioli with my fingers and get tomato sauce all over my keyboard, I elected to use one of the knives and it was a wonderful experience!  Something primordial awakened when I stabbed that pasta/meat(?) product.  The urge to chew with my mouth open, wipe the excess sauce on my sleeve, and belch loudly was uncontrollable.

I know Hallmark probably won't be on board with this, but maybe the fine folks at Oneida could be persuaded to help promote Eat Like A Viking Day and get the word out.  Commemorative table knives with horned helmets on the ends?  Sponsoring a lutefisk eating contest? The company logo proudly displayed on that Swedish Chef muppet's apron?  

Low profile government workers like me have limited audience access (and appeal); I have complete faith in your experience with these kind of things and thank you in advance for your efforts.

Gary Olson

Spokane, WA

SOON TO BE A MAJOR MOTION PICTURE

Woman Claws Her Way Out of Locked Bathroom as in ‘Shawshank Redemption’

(Thanks to Suzie Q. Wacvet)

THEY'LL MAKE A FORTUNE

Café in France charges rude customers more cash for coffee

(Thanks to The Perts, Ralph and coscolo)

EVERY SO OFTEN, THIS BLOG FEELS A NEED

...to remind you of this:

WE'RE SURE THERE'S A PERFECTLY INNOCENT EXPLANATION

HOW did a shot glass come to be embedded inside Mr Liu’s bum?

(Thanks to Ralph)

JUST DOING THEIR JOB

Chinese media: smog has at least five benefits

(Thanks to R&L Stevenson)

IT'S THE MOST WONDERFUL TIME OF THE YEAR

Police Called To Home To Break Up Family Fight Over Decorating Of Christmas Tree

(Thanks to Rob Simbeck)