Dave Barry's Blog

PLANNING A TRIP TO LONDON?

Better go before you go.

(Thanks to Ryan Jentzsch)

APPARENTLY THIS IS FROM 2010. BUT STILL.

Drunk Serbian man kills hammer-head shark with his butt

(Thanks to Chuck Cody)

IT'S THE MOST WONDERFUL TIME OF THE YEAR

Semi overturns, spilling holiday hams on I-85 ramp

(Thanks to Jon Harris and Bill Hudgins)

THERE IS EXCITEMENT, AND THEN THERE IS GIANT IDAHO SPUD EXCITEMENT

On the road, day after day, with Idaho's giant spud

(Thanks to Craig Roberts)

ALERT LEVEL: MAGENTA

Giant Multi-Colored Slugs Invade France

We saw them open for Jefferson Starship.

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson)

FRANCE ON HIGH ALERT

A battle has broken out between Bergen and New York over which city has constructed the world's largest gingerbread village.

(Thanks to Not My Usual Alias)

SOUNDS UNHYGIENIC

Canadian hummus maker runs up against U.S. underwear maker

(Thanks to Omniskeptic)

'THIS IS A GREAT DAY FOR ROMULUS'

Michigan town is a little too excited about opening of new Taco Bell

(Thanks to Omniskeptic)

THIS IS ONLY GOING TO MAKE THEM MORE PISSED OFF THAN THEY ALREADY ARE

Snakes in hats.

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson)

COINCIDENTALLY, HE WAS DRIVING AN ESCORT

A 49-year-old man spotted indulging in a sex act while driving naked along a busy motorway got carried away in a ‘messaging conversation’, a court heard.

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson)

THERE IS NO REASON TO GO ON LIVING

Justin Bieber tells fans ‘I’m retiring’ on L.A. radio show

(Thanks to Rob Simbeck and The Amazing Steve)

GOOD, BECAUSE WE'VE BEEN LOSING SLEEP

Poop-eating Pikas More Resilient to Climate Change than Previously Believed, Study Suggests

(Thanks to Jay Brandes and Unholy Slacker)

DON'T TELL CONGRESS ABOUT THIS

Old law can force Nova Scotians to shovel highways

(Thanks to The Perts)

IT DEFINITELY LOOKED SUSPICIOUS

Children evacuated from swimming pool after prosthetic leg mistaken for paedophile

(Thanks to Ryan Jentzsch)

WHAT'S THAT SMELL?

Farting cows are killing the planet, say scientists

(Thanks to Unholy Slacker)

ATTENTION, LADIES INTERESTED IN DEFYING GRAVITY

Boob Glue

(Thanks to Deb Ross)

SO THE LUCKY BASTARD TOTALLY MISSED 'JERSEY SHORE'

Man emerges from bunker 14 years after Y2K scare

(Thanks to Pete Christensen)

Update: Apparently this is fake. Judi has been fired.

'OF COURSE, SOME ARE SKEPTICAL'

1 in 200 Women Say They've Had a 'Virgin Pregnancy'

(Thanks to Not My Usual Alias)

IN THAT CASE, SIR, THE JOB IS YOURS

It all began when Monroe walked into the McDonald's on St. Paul's Boulevard and asked the store manager for an application. After the manager explained twice that the process is handled online, police said, Monroe lifted his shirt to reveal a gun tucked in his waistband.

(Thanks to Chris Elzi and Bill Hudgins)

Related: Police: Job Applicant Stole From Tip Jar

(Thanks to Andrew Halpryn)

YOU'D THINK THAT BY THE SECOND MONTH HE'D HAVE FIGURED OUT HE WAS IN THE WRONG ROOM

Man fined 1.3 million yen for urinating in elevator every day for 6 months

(Thanks to Unholy Slacker)

BUT WE ALSO HAVE REALLY LARGE SNAKES

Machine Guns Ranked #1 Attraction in Miami by World’s Largest Travel Site

(Thanks to Javier Lopez)

IT'S THE MOST WONDERFUL TIME OF THE YEAR

A Salvation Army bell ringer claims she was assaulted by a woman for saying “Happy Holidays” instead of “Merry Christmas” outside of a Walmart.

(Thanks to Bill Hudgins)

PRIORITIES

He refused to set the 12-ounce beer down, instead chugging the last of it before showing the deputy his hands.

(Thanks to R&L Stevenson)

WE THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME

Warner Bros. is developing a feature length film version of the 1960s TV series, “Gilligan’s Island”

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson)

GUESS THE STATE

Pastor accused of slapping woman on tractor

(Thanks to Ken Fineberg)

TIME FOR STRICT FEDERAL CONTROLS

A 19-year-old woman has been arrested and charged for allegedly attacking her husband with a spatula.

(Thanks to Jeffrey Brown and Jeff Meyerson)

TIME FOR A STATUS UPDATE

A young female tourist was so engrossed in Facebook on her mobile phone that she walked off St Kilda pier and almost drowned, police say.

(Thanks to Janice Gelb, W. von Papineau, oneblankspace and The Perts)

IF YOU SEE ONLY ONE VIDEO THIS YEAR OF A DEAD MOTH BEING INFLATED

...make it this one.

(Thanks to Ryan Jentzsch)

JUST SAY NO TO TOAD

QUEENSLAND dogs are getting addicted to the hallucinogenic sweat that oozes off the backs of cane toads.

(Thanks to Ralph)

THERE IS A FINE LINE BETWEEN 'FESTIVE' AND 'INSANE'

Maryland woman packs whopping 277 Christmas trees inside her home

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson)

These were not just trees: These were whopping trees. 

TEACHER OF THE WEEK

Unfotunately our strict policy prohibits us from presenting the Teacher of the Week.

(Thanks to Unholy Slacker)

Related: Dong in court

(Thanks to Bob Spalding)

THIS IS NOT LIKE WHERE YOU LIVE

Customer tries to pay for beer at Miami store with a live alligator

IS THERE A PROBLEM, OFFICER?

Drunken woman smoking cigarette backwards had child, beer in car

(Thanks to Robert Mathis)

Guess the state.

ACTUAL CONVERSATION I HAD WITH A WOMAN IN A BAR ON SATURDAY NIGHT

Woman: Are you Dave Barry?

Me: Yes.

Woman: I LOVED Marley and Me.

Me: Thanks, but I didn't write that.

(Pause)

Woman: It made me cry.

THE NEWS FROM IRELAND

A Longford pig farmer has been sent to jail for a year after he forced two repossession men to strip naked and get into a pen with an agitated boar.

(Thanks to wjra)

We saw Agitated Boar open for the Ramones.

IF YOU'VE GOT IT, FLAUNT IT

A FALCON man who exposed his bare buttocks to patrons in a restaurant and then to police because he had a “good looking arse” was fined $750 when he appeared in Mandurah Magistrates Court on December 17.

(Thanks to Unholy Slacker)

WE'VE KNOWN GUYS LIKE THAT

Bone Worm Mating Revealed: Males Have “Penis” on Head

(Thanks to Unholy Slacker)

BIRTH ANNOUNCEMENT OF THE DAY

Unfortunately our strict policy prohibits us from bringing you the Birth Announcement of the Day.

(Thanks to Nate West)

DEPARTMENT OF EMAILS WE DID NOT FINISH READING

Dear Editors,  

Ever since Kim Kardashian posted her most recent picture of her daughter Nori, people have been speculating about whether or not she waxed and shaped Nori's eyebrows....

Dear Editors,

It has recently been reported that Simon Cowell may have gotten pectoral implants...

THIS TREND OF STUFFING FOOD WITH OTHER FOOD

It has gone too far.

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson)

FLATHEAD: COUNTY OF INTRIGUE

1:40 p.m. Someone was overheard saying “I don’t think I crap money” during an accidental phone call to 911.

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson)

SHE 'WANTED TO BE AS CLOSE TO THE FRONT DOOR AS POSSIBLE'

SUV Crashes Through Cohasset Hardware Store

A Florida license etc.

(Thanks to Rob Simbeck)

UNCLEAR ON THE CONCEPT

According to police a man admitted to stealing a truck on Thursday morning in order to make a court date for an unrelated stolen vehicle case.

(Thanks to Mike)

IT'S THE MOST WONDERFUL TIME OF THE YEAR

A Michigan man repeatedly punched his mother in the face while decorating the family Christmas tree after noticing that “there was an ornament with his brother’s name on it and that there were no ornaments with his name,” according to police.

(Thanks to DaninTustin)

Apologies in advance if we blogged this already. We just can't tell any more. 

Related: Louisiana Man, 34, Dressed As Buddy The Elf Is Arrested For Drunk Driving

(Thanks to Rob Simbeck and Jeff Meyerson)

TIME FOR AN INTERNATIONAL BENEFIT CONCERT FEATURING STING

Tourists Are Giving Endangered Iguanas Diarrhea and High Cholesterol

(Thanks to Unholy Slacker)

Is it just us, or does the headline seem to suggest that the iguanas are eating the tourists?

THANKS, BUT WE'LL JUST THROW A STICK

Yoga With Your Dog

(Thanks to Loudmouth, who says "Meditative leg humping will be sooo soothing.")

SOON WE WILL HAVE NO CONSTITUTIONAL RIGHTS LEFT

A 22-year-old South Haven man was arrested Thursday after police said he repeatedly blasted a piece of furniture with a shotgun.

(Thanks to Chris Lawson)

THANK GOD FOR STUDIES

So suggests an offbeat study, released on Sunday, which concludes that the evil characters in J.R.R. Tolkien's "The Hobbit" lost their battle against men, elves and dwarves because they suffered from vitamin deficiency.

(Thanks to Ralph)

WE HAVE TO LIE DOWN NOW

Amazing photo of severed hand surgically attached to an ankle

("Thanks" to DaninTustin)

SPEAKING OF DOWN UNDER

Sewer fishing is the newest rage for some anglers

(Thanks to Claire Martin)